very confused and need help

[purralot]

I'm a little confused on what to do so wonder if someone could help me please. I meet a 38 twice divorved man on the internet last year. We took it very slow to begin with than after Christmas started seeing more of each other but we kept it fun and not serious. Than in March he finished it saying he was worried about how difference our lives where. I'm an outdoor/animal lover and he is a Townie and not that keen on animals. Also because he was busy at work etc etc he didn't want to mess me around. I was fine with this as the realtionship wasn't serious and we agreed to be friends.
The following weekend and for the next 4 weekends I got calls in the middle of the night of this man (drunk) saying he missed me and loved me. I just listened to him and told him he would find someone, but he would just say he didn't want anyone else just me. If i spoke to him when he was sober he just said it was the drink talking. Than the late night calls stopped and we exchanged a couple of how are you texts but than I was busy and I guess he was and we had no contact for a month, than he called me just to say hi and we caught up on what we had been doing etc etc. Than the next weekend I get a text in the middle of the night saying he wanted to talk to me. I text back saying was he O.K and he replied "I love you stupid". I replied to him "go to sleep it will be O.K in the morning". Anyway the next day he calls me and asks me to meet him for a drink. We where friends so I didn't see a problem.
We meet for the drink and half way into the evening he leaned over and kissed me. I was a little shocked and than he explained that he had missed me and he had been a fool to finish it and could we try again. I do really like the guy he is good looking and makes me laugh. So I told him we would take it slow and see what happened.
The next day he called me and asked me to go to a family wedding with him.in 2 weeks time which I agreed. We saw each other over the next two weeks and just had fun, very relaxed no pressure. Any way went to wedding and met the family and we had a nice time. When we got back to the hotel room he told me he loved me, he wanted me to move in and wanted children with me!. I just told him we would discuss it when we were both sober as I knew in the morning he would not mention it which he didn't.
This was two weeks ago. Since then we have hardly seen each other. No problem as I am in the middle of a house move so to be truthful have not had the time. Ayway I go round there tonight and he says we need to talk. He says that he is not looking for anything serious and just wants a casual relationship and he feels I want more and he is messing me around. I assured him that I was happy just having fun at the moment but he didn't seem to believe me. The question is he is the one that has mentioned marriage, children and getting a place together, he is the one phoning me when we split up. I'm happy at the moment for this to be just a bit of fun and see where it takes us. But part of me is thinking that this is too hard being told he wants it all with me one moment and than accusing me of going to fast the next. He ex did mess him around big time but I'm confused. Does he just want fun (great) or does he want more (not so great). Is it worth the hassle with him blowing hot and cold all the time?

[abbytaylor209]

Definitely sounds like you know in the back of your mind that this guy doesn't want to get serious with you. If he hasn't said anything about a committed, long-term relationship while sober- I'd just try and forget about this guy and move on. You sound smart, and you certainly don't deserve to be jerked around by a guy that just seems to want a "friends with benefits" style relationship. It seems like he wants you when it's convenient for him, which is not okay by any means. If you really just want to have a casual thing with this guy, sit him down seriously and let him know you don't see him as a potential husband. However just make sure you're honest with yourself that your feelings won't go deeper for this guy. Because if they do and you let him know, he'll probably disappear! Since he's been divorced twice, take that into account. Sure, something could've been wacky with his ex-wives, but the problem could also be with him. This guy seems like he wants the chase but not the prize and is a big-time commitment phobe. I'd give it up. But if you're strong enough to give this guy a second, or third- or fourth chance, go for it. It just doesn't seem like anything substantial could ever come from any relationship with him.

[purralot]

Thanks. I think you are right. I really just want to have some fun and do not want commitment. I have never wanted to get married and kids have never been on the agenda. With him blowing hot and cold it's not fun. He did mention when we got back together sober that he saw a future but I just told him that it was early days. As for his ex-wives. Number 1 divorced him, they married young and she fell out of love with him. Number 2 he admits was on the rebound (also she was pregnant) and after only a year of marriage he found out she was playing around. They had a very bitter divorce which he is still very angry about.
O.K now I need tips on how to end it because I'm useless at that and usually wait for them to do the deed....I know I'm a chicken and hate upsetting people.

[abbytaylor209]

Well he's already doing half the work for you by disappearing and reappearing only when he wants to see you. So this shouldn't be too hard. No one wants to see someone else's feelings get hurt, but this guy obviously hasn't kept your feelings in mind, so don't worry about being too sensitive towards his. Tell him you're not into his hot and cold style and you're not going to wait around for him to decide whether he wants a relationship (of any kind) with you or not.

[purralot]

Yes you are right it should be easy really. I really do not know what he is looking for and I'm not going to wait and see. It's the summer and for once the sun is shining in the UK so I'm going to enjoy that instead of worrying about what he wants.

[abbytaylor209]

Especially if he's somewhat unsure about what kind of relationship he wants, sober or drunk, thats definitely something you don't want to be involved in.