He's moving away and I don't know what to do

[brokenhearted01]

So my boyfriend of one year broke up with me about 3 months ago and it didn't just break my heart, it destroyed it.

I still cry about it. I cry at work, when I'm driving or out for a walk.

I just don't know why all of a sudden he said things weren't working.

All I ever knew was him saying he loved me and that I was special, that I was the one. That's all he ever said to me, he never expressed any doubt in us. Then all of a sudden he stopped talking to me and after a month of not talking to me he said things weren't working and wanted to break up.

I asked him if he had met someone else and he said no. He then told me he slept with someone two weeks after we broke up. I don't know if he cheated on me when we were together, but even if he had, I would forgive him because I feel our relationship is better than that.

I have been through abusive relationships, and a failed marriage, and he was the first man that ever made me feel happy, at peace and safe. I just don't know what to do without him -- I just don't.

Everybody says I'm a nice girl and I'll find someone better. But it's not about better, it's about how I feel about him. If I thought I could "do better," I wouldn't have stayed with him as long as I did. I wouldn't hurt as much as I do.

I just don't think anyone will ever treat me the way he did when we were together and happy -- I don't think I'll ever find anyone like him, because it took me so long to meet someone like him.

To make things worse, I was pregnant and it was his. I lost the baby and I never told him. Now I feel like I lost both of them.

I never told him because I was afraid he'd get scared and leave me. I could handle losing my baby, but I could not handle losing him too. So I never told him.

But now he is literally moving away to another state because of a job next week and I feel like I'll never get a chance to make things work, I'll never get a chance to know what I did for him to stop loving me so quickly after a year of being together.

I really feel like I've lost the love of my life. I know it sounds silly or cliched, but I've been married! My marriage was not as happy as the year I spent with him.

When we were together he told me 60% of him was ready to settle down, but 40% of him was fighting that. Then he said he has a tendency to self-sabotage things that are good in his life.

I just feel like there's still a chance he still loved me, maybe he just got scared, or I don't know. But if there is a tiny part of him that still loves me, I want to fight for him. Not just for us, but for the baby I lost. I feel like I owe it to my baby to fight for him.

I just don't know if I should call him before he leaves, or maybe send him a letter after he gets settled in his new town. I want to tell him how I feel so badly, I just don't know how to do it.

Please don't tell me to get a hobby or a new job. I have a good job, great co-workers, lots of friends. I make films on the side and I'm learning to play the ukelele. I have a well-balanced life -- all that is missing is him.

[Charisma]

hmmmmm.

When I was upset with some guy, I wrote mock letters(well typed them, cos it was easier). I'd write out angry stuff, sad stuff, begging stuff, stuff I never told him when I was with him, and I purposefully squeezed out everything I had to say about him, to him, or thought of him. I'd write to myself to tell myself to get over him, and I'd have a good 3 page long rant about why he's no good, and every little annoying thing I didn't like but put up with, and I wrote how every other guy had 5 times better-whatever his good traits were- or how pointless his good traits were. I'd write letters to his friends, to his mother, and to his new girlfriend about him, and say such nasty things. But before I'd save or send the stuff, I'd hit the delete button.

It got rid of a lot of stuff I didn't even realise I held onto. I forgot about the stuff I didn't like, like how he smoked, and liked to flirt, and told me to trust him even tho he was flirting. I also realised there'd be next to no impact of me *dishing the dirt* on him to people he knew, or at least no impact for upset little me.

I don't know if this will help you at all. I think it sucks big time that 1) he didn't have the balls to give you a reason why he ended things, when you more than deserved an explanation and 2) that you had to keep it from him that you were pregnant with him, and lost it, and still didn't tell him. Maybe all the mock letters will help you decide to write (a rather more tactful one) to him after all.

[brokenhearted01]

Thank you for that. I have actually written 3 letters so far.

I know that it was very shitty what he did, to break up without telling me why or even give me a chance, and I know I should be angry with him about that. But other than that, there really isn't a thing about him I had to put up with or didn't like about him. We had a great relationship, and we never fought. Which is why I am at a loss as to why he fell out of love with me. Maybe he wanted someone he could fight with?

The only negative thing I know about him is that sometimes he can be very selfish, it's hard for him sometimes to care for someone else other than himself. He still took care of me, but he came first. That's is the only negative thing I could put on a list.

Now, why would I be with someone like that? Because the good times outweigh the times when he was selfish.

Maybe I need to do some more writing.

[Mister Wizard]

Is it necessary to know why he stopped loving you in order to move on? Isn't the fact that he doesn't love you anymore enough to justify his break up? If there's anything I've learned in relationships is that some people can be very fickle, especially one's who are selfish. That's a bad sign at times, as really, they make decisions on a whim and on how they feel at that moment. Also, what would happen if you knew why he stopped loving you? Would you really be willing to change yourself, your identity for him? So that he would love you again? What if you can't?

You seem to be in a very good place in life, with a job you love and hobbies you enjoy. You seem very put together, and I feel that Charisma's advice is also very helpful. You should cherish the good times you have, you should talk to him and tell him how you feel and let him know the ball is in his court. Let him know that your feelings for him are there, and allow him to make the decision to stay or to come back to you, or whatever would be the best scenario. All you can do is attempt to help yourself at this moment. Allow yourself to enjoy what you can, and keep living life as it will not stand still.

Keep writing, keep feelings those emotions, and know that you're doing everything you can to try to make it work. If its not enough, then...well, I guess you can only move forward.

[Teddy057]

The bottom line here is he was no longer happy. You need to accept that, and move on. After 3 months you're still crying? I'm sorry, but the only person stopping you from being truly happy is you. I think you should cheer up and move on, before you know it this journey called life could be over, and you don't want to waste another second being sad. Please try and understand this isn't the end of the world, you're still breathing are you not?

What worked for me after being very heartbroken for such a long time, was just getting back in touch with the things I love doing. In a way, I kind of lost who I actually am during my last relationship, and my god did I learn to never do that again.

[brokenhearted01]

I realize he was no longer happy, and I asked him if it was because of me, and he said no.

So I don't understand what I did wrong.

I realize that if I cry I have no one to blame but myself, but I just feel so abandoned, so inadequate. He stopped loving me, how could anyone else love me?

Sure, I understand I should be happy because life is short. But I just don't think life is worth living without him. I really just want to end things, but I just don't know how. I don't bleed enough when I cut myself, and taking pills just makes me vomit, but doesn't kill me.

[lahnnabell]

You didn't do anything wrong. This guy still needs time to grow up. You may be wondering why he doesn't want to grow with you. Well, it's not about you. It's about him and the fact that he's probably still searching for a piece of himself. He doesn't feel like a whole person on his own, so he's certainly not ready to take someone else into consideration right now.

I guarantee you that he left you without a reason because he lacked the emotional awareness to put his feelings into words. I'm sure the most he could come up with was that he felt "bad" or "wrong". I've heard this from countless guys. Men aren't raised to have a very vast vocabulary when it comes to talking about feelings. Women are much more adept at recognizing and explaining their emotions. Sometimes too adept at it.

The best thing you can do for yourself is push yourself to move on. Moping over him will not only bring you more pain, but it will not bring him back to you. You'd really want him to return out of pity for you? I didn't think so. Remember, this is about him and what he needs. You didn't do anything to cause him to leave you. Sometimes that's just how it goes. Good luck.

[brokenhearted01]

Thank you lahnnabell, what you said makes a lot of sense to me. A little late on the reply on my part, but thank you so much for your words. It makes so much sense that he left without saying why because he doesn't know how to put it in words. You're so right!

We talked recently and he said he still loved me but didn't know how to be with me. That he wished he was man enough. I wish I could show him that he is man enough for me.... but you're right, that change can only come from within him. It's just now harder to let go of him now that I know he still has feelings for me.

[drdamian]

You have to move on or else you will get really depressed with this situation..if you have great friends spend more time with them...if he can move on so can you!!! cut off any and all communication with him...Get everything that reminds you of him out of sight. you need to find someone new.be open and make sure you have someone, or someones, to talk to.

[Gigabitch]

What he did was cruel and irresponsible, in my opinion. You might love him until the end of time, but how could you ever trust him again? You couldn't. You'd have to fool yourself, and that's not a good thing to do.

In my experience, heartbreak is something that changes you for life. You'll never be the same after this. You'll be wiser and more delicate, less trusting and hopefully, your standards will be higher, but you WILL get to the point where you can move on and start looking forward instead of back.

You can't do this until you let him go, though. You probably already know that what you should do, for your own good, is go No Contact. I can see that you're not ready to do that, but I hope you will be soon.

[Teddy057]

"In my experience, heartbreak is something that changes you for life. You'll never be the same after this. You'll be wiser and more delicate, less trusting and hopefully, your standards will be higher, but you WILL get to the point where you can move on and start looking forward instead of back."

I think you should sticky that quote. Most truthful thing I've ever heard about break ups and heartbreak.

[jan100]

I think it is better that you found out that he wasn't ready for the relationship before you tied the knot. It would have been even more complicated and traumatic if you found this out after marriage.

I too was in a relationship (2 yrs) when he left for a job. I met his parents, he met mine and the wedding date was set. All of a sudden, he stopped contacting me and appeared aloof when the talk of marriage came up. I could tell he wasn't ready and he asked for some time to think about the relationship (after the wedding date!). I found out he wasn't happy in the relationship and was secretly dating another woman and now they are making wedding plans. Who's the victim? No one.

Did it hurt me? Oh yeah. I literally got sick, lost weight, felt like an incompetent instructor in front of my grown-up grad students, had to act sane at work, had night sweats, couldn't eat, and felt like the world was for others- and not for me.

I realized it was supposed to hurt. And took time to "feel" what "hurting" felt like.

The best suggestion (and the most cliche ): Learn to rebuild who you are. I truly believe these things happen for a reason. And it is no one's fault. It's just a wake up call forcing you to look at yourself and who you have become. If you don't truly give yourself the time to reflect on who you are as a person, the pattern will come around again and you will get hurt-again.

I'v learned that I have to learn how to live without a guy, without me depending on anybody. If I am happy, content and independent with who I am and what I accomplish- then I know that I will be ready for a relationship.

Besides, when you start a new relationship (which you will, don't worry!), know that a relationship is not about the other person completing me or viewing him/herr as the missing puzzle in my life. He or she should never complete you in any way.
I've learned the hard way, but you will get over it if you try to see this traumatic event as a blessing in disguise.