my sister is contemplating breaking up with her bf

[RdHrshyKss]

so my sister came over to my place the other day pretty distraught. she is contemplating breaking up with her boyfriend. they are both 21. she went to a beauty academy and currently works in a salon. he's still in college and should be graduating soon.

my sister and i hang out once a week, and i started to notice comments of hers that made me think she was doubting her relationship, so when she came to my place the other night upset, i knew it was about her bf. she said she went to visit him down the shore the other night and was supposed to stay for 2 days, but just couldn't handle him and needed to leave. she said it wasn't his fault per se, just stuff that he did was pissing her off and she needed to get away. when she came over, she had a few complaints...

she said her bf never wants to go out and do anything. his excuse is that he doesn't have the money. this has been something that has been an issue for their entire relationship pretty much. he has always been tight on money and they rarely go out and do anything. she said that after she gets off of work, she goes over his place and they watch tv. she said she understands that his finances are tight, but that the least he could do (especially during the summer) is to find some kind of part-time job to make some spending cash. he has not done this. he says that he doesn't want to get some silly part-time job, that he wants to get a job in his field for the experience, except that he doesn't have a resume yet. my dad has offered to help him with his resume on numerous occasions, but he has never taken the offer for help, and according to my sister, he still hasn't started working on it.

she said the sex is pretty boring. that it's almost like a routine and predictable. it's no longer exciting for her.

another thing that must be mentioned is that he is going through some troubles at home. his mom left his dad for another man about a year ago. he and his sister still live with their dad. his dad is going through some financial issues and might end up losing their house. so it's not like this kid has it easy. he definitely has some messed up shit going on in his life that he never asked for which is why my sister has stayed with him through all of this. she said she really loves him but just can't see herself being happy if things continue going the way they are. what she said to me was, "he has it tough, but so do a lot of other people, it's time he actually does something about it rather than dwell on it and do nothing." i completely agree with her, but how do you go about saying this to someone who is obviously depressed?

she said she's young, wants to go out, have fun...she never went to college so never had that kind of experience. she went from HS to a vocational school to a full time job rather quickly. she wants to live it up and does not feel like she can with her bf.

so there isn't a doubt that she wants to break up with him, the issue she is having is how she is going to do it and when. she loves him and doesn't want to hurt him more than he is already hurting. they are supposed to go to a wedding in a couple of weeks and she doesn't know what she should do. wait until after the wedding? tell him before and say she can't go anymore?

she is also worried about how he will take it. she said he has always had a certain type of punching bag personality. he blames himself for everything pretty much, and makes it really difficult for her to talk to him about stuff because he takes everything very personally and doesn't say much in response. she is afraid of hurting him.

she's been pretty distraught about everything, crying, just very emotional about how she is going to go about doing this. any advice for her? has anyone ever been in a similar situation? should she hold off on breaking up with him and give him another chance? give me some of your thoughts and i'll relay the information to her.

thanks!

[girl68]

Yes, I have.

My ex first love, was young. His parents were going through a divorce. He was quiet, intorverted and "boring" semmingly just like this dude. Sex was less than exciting. Yet I loved him. He was a good guy, just not the right one for me. I think your sister needs to hear it like it is. He WILL HURT. HE WILL BE MAD. There isn't a damn thing she can do to not let this happen- NOTHING. It still must be done. However you can do it in the best way possible. She should 'warn' him. Tell him that they need to talk the next time she's going over. Tell her to make it about herself. Saying she feels too young to be so serious, and that she'd like to be single for a while to expereince growth without a boyfriend. Saying that she doesn't think she'll be able to handle a busy life and a boyfriend and maintain both. Still though, he'll be hurt and upset. She'll have to resume no contact although the offer to attend the wedding as friends I think is okay- though he will almost certainly decline.

After that it's all just about giving the wound time to heal and that's where YOU come in.

[Gigabitch]

Is the wedding an event where they were both invited or was he her "plus one"?

[lilrush]

I am in a similar situation (minus the bad sex part lol). And what I find is that for a relationship to work, there needs to be compromise on BOTH sides, which i know sounds like some sort of dr.phil shenanigans but it's true. In your sister's case, she is compromising by going to see him and she is willing to go out, so she is doing her share of effort in the relationship. EVEN if your sister and this guy may love eachother, it will NOT work unless he makes equal effort to get out of his house and take control of his life. He seems to be falling and dragging your sister down with him, so to speak. He needs to take that effort and get a job.

Other than that, the sex is a COMPLETELY different issue, and has nothing to do with the issue of him not putting in any effort to go out. I've never understood why in a relationship where there is love, but no communication. If its boring, tell him. If you're not excited, tell him. Try new things. There are so many things to try that it will probably be a challenge to try them all before you die. Switch the setting up. Do it in a forest, at a party, anywhere, etc.

Overall, they are two seperate issues and must be dealt with separately.
Deal with the issue of him not taking effort to get out FIRST, because this is the larger of the two issues.

After that's settled, you'll be back on track and ready to tackle the sex issue.

[lilrush]

Yes, I have.

My ex first love, was young. His parents were going through a divorce. He was quiet, intorverted and "boring" semmingly just like this dude. Sex was less than exciting. Yet I loved him. He was a good guy, just not the right one for me. I think your sister needs to hear it like it is. He WILL HURT. HE WILL BE MAD. There isn't a damn thing she can do to not let this happen- NOTHING. It still must be done. However you can do it in the best way possible. She should 'warn' him. Tell him that they need to talk the next time she's going over. Tell her to make it about herself. Saying she feels too young to be so serious, and that she'd like to be single for a while to expereince growth without a boyfriend. Saying that she doesn't think she'll be able to handle a busy life and a boyfriend and maintain both. Still though, he'll be hurt and upset. She'll have to resume no contact although the offer to attend the wedding as friends I think is okay- though he will almost certainly decline.

After that it's all just about giving the wound time to heal and that's where YOU come in.

These are all classic "it's not you, it's me." responses and if he has any more than 10 IQ, these will offend him more than they will help your situation.
Keep in mind that although these are little "white lies" they are still LIES, and people you love deserve more than this.
Be honest as per my previous post.

[Mathias]

So she's breaking up with him because he won't spend a ton of money on her and get a part time job while having a full-time job (college) in order to do it?

Good for him in not bending here.

[TheTooya]

So she's breaking up with him because he won't spend a ton of money on her and get a part time job while having a full-time job (college) in order to do it?

Good for him in not bending here.

Don't forget the boring sex. That is, in fact, a kicker :p

Breaking up sucks, but if shes not into the relationship, then she should break things off as soon as possible. I broke up with my ex, and completely shattered her, I know I did. Breaking up sucks, but sometimes you just have to :/

[girl68]

These are all classic "it's not you, it's me." responses and if he has any more than 10 IQ, these will offend him more than they will help your situation.
Keep in mind that although these are little "white lies" they are still LIES, and people you love deserve more than this.
Be honest as per my previous post.

Bullshit. Everything I stated is why she wants out!

[lilrush]

Bullshit. Everything I stated is why she wants out!

No. She doesn't want out necessarily, but is more being pushed in the out, and not because of "oh well i need to develop more as an individual".
Reasons are boring sex and inability to leave his house, and your responses are all classic responses that girls use to try and slip out of relationships when theyre not working out.
Put that bag of tricks away, i know how girls and guys work

[TheTooya]

No. She doesn't want out necessarily, but is more being pushed in the out, and not because of "oh well i need to develop more as an individual".
Reasons are boring sex and inability to leave his house, and your responses are all classic responses that girls use to try and slip out of relationships when theyre not working out.
Put that bag of tricks away, i know how girls and guys work

At 21, you are still developing. Being in a relationship, its constraining. When I broke up with my last ex, I was 20 at the time, and I couldn't have been happier. I went out drinking with friends, I was going to partys, I was living MY OWN life.

My current girlfriend probably feels similar, and I don't give her any problem about going out and partying with her friends.
--

If she wants out, then she wants out. Really she could just say "I am not happy in this relationship, I want to be single for a while." He should be able to respect that, as much as it will suck.

[RdHrshyKss]

Is the wedding an event where they were both invited or was he her "plus one"?

i think she was a plus one as his date, but i'll have to double check on that

[RdHrshyKss]

So she's breaking up with him because he won't spend a ton of money on her and get a part time job while having a full-time job (college) in order to do it?

Good for him in not bending here.

Nah, that's not it at all. He works hard in school, which is great and understandable if he doesn't have time for a job during the school year, but even during the summer when he's just hanging out at home watching TV? That's just laziness. She offers to pay for things, but he has this mentality that since he is the man, he should pay, so he never wants to go anywhere. I went to school full-time and worked part-time, it's not that hard. My sister is not a very demanding person at all. She's really laid back and I know that money isn't the issue. She would be content if he made some kind of effort, doesn't even have to cost anything. From what she is telling me the relationship is pretty stagnant and doesn't look like it can really go anywhere. I fully support her decision to move on if that is what she wants to do. She definitely loves him, which is why it's really hard for her. But I give her lots of credit for being honest with herself about what's going on between them.

[girl68]

No. She doesn't want out necessarily, but is more being pushed in the out, and not because of "oh well i need to develop more as an individual".
Reasons are boring sex and inability to leave his house, and your responses are all classic responses that girls use to try and slip out of relationships when theyre not working out.
Put that bag of tricks away, i know how girls and guys work

Right. I love that you know how BOTH guys and gals work as if you're a genious? Okay. LOL whatever.

[RdHrshyKss]

If she wants out, then she wants out. Really she could just say "I am not happy in this relationship, I want to be single for a while." He should be able to respect that, as much as it will suck.

This is pretty much what she wants. To be single. Who knows, maybe she has become attracted to other people and those feelings are making her realize how crappy her current relationship is. She is young and wants to have fun. She wants to go out with her girlfriends, go to bars, all that stuff. I'm sure she would be a lot happier if her bf was willing to do these things with her, but he just isn't. She even made the comment "i don't even know when the last time we went out for dinner was...i don't even care if he takes me to TGIF or applebee's, he just never wants to do anything because he has no money". He seems like a guy who is depressed about a lot of stuff and is bringing her down into his shit. He isn't willing to be proactive and try to do stuff to fix his situation.

When she came over to my place I told her to talk to him. Tell him that she needs to talk to him about stuff so that he is prepared, and then tell him how she feels. Explain all the things that are bothering her about the relationship and see if he has any input. Maybe some discussion will help her clear her head a little and be more willing to work things out. But if he just goes deeper into his depression and decides to mope rather than be active, then I think she should leave. She won't be able to change him, he needs to want to do that for himself.

[TheTooya]

Really, shes in this relationship for her own happiness, not to ease her depressed boyfriend. It sounds shitty, and many will probably disagree with me, but shes responsible for her own happiness. If shes not happy the way shes now, it doesn't matter how happy she makes this guy feel, she should back out and concentrate on herself more.