my sister is contemplating breaking up with her bf

[Gigabitch]

I think it's pointless to wait. There will always be an excuse like a wedding in three weeks she doesn't want him to have to go to alone. For all she knows, he'll meet his future wife at that wedding. She should let him go.

[k9w7]

this is "the sister" i completely agree with all of you! sean and i have been dating for 2 years and for the first year, it was simply bliss. hes everything i could ever want from a boyfriend. but unfortunately, the past 6 months, have been distant and "off". ive spoken to him quite a few times about getting a job and trying to get his life on track, but to no avail. ive been thinking about this for a long time, and to be quite honest, some fairly recent events and emotions have been coming up that are making this decision more and more appropriate. i havent been with anyone else during our relationship, however, i have been noticing that im attracted to people again when i go out and hes not there. that would have never even crossed my mind until recently. its selfish, yes, but at the same time, its only fair to him and to me to put an end to this now. its been very hard for me to get up the courage to talk to my sister about it, not only because sean is a great guy, but because i also didnt want my family to be disappointed in me, because not only do i love him, my family does.
its not about me wanting gifts and to be pampered and be taken out on expensive vacations and all that, its about the fact that we've hit a routine that im not comfortable or happy with. the phrase "its not you, its me" is so cliche, i know, but i feel thats the best way to put this. im realizing that, yes, i want to go out and meet new people and enjoy my early 20's and i want to have fun, because i never got that chance out of high school. he did. i want to be able to know that i can get this "selfish" feeling out of my system before i make things worse for him. its not fair to drag him along this path when im unhappy. who knows, maybe after i take some time for myself, he'll take this as an opportunity to do what he needs to do for himself and his family. hes a wonderful guy, but like my sister has said to me the other night "loving someone sometimes just isnt enough". i want to be happy, and i want him to be happy. theres nothing else i could wish for him.
as far as the wedding, ive been getting mixed emotions. its one of his friends from school that i was his "plus guest". no, i dont want to make things worse for him by not going, but i dont want to go and give him false hope either. ive also thought that if i didnt go, it might even be better for him, because he'll be with his friends who love and care about him and will be there for him.

[TheTooya]

Hate to say it, but the sooner the better.

I broke up with my girlfriend a few days before our planned date to Disney Land. Think about how devastated she felt, and I felt really shitty about it as well... but, I had to get it out of my system. If you know you want to break up, then don't wait, let him know as soon as possible so he can have more time for himself to move on.

[k9w7]

yeah its a really shitty feeling, but it needs to happen. i need to be single, at least for now.

[TheTooya]

Its shitty, but relieving... at least for me. And the freedom was great. I did end up missing my ex for a little bit, but I had to get out, and am much happier for it.

I think you should break up before going to the wedding. If you already have breaking up in mind, why pretend otherwise... <_< Shit happens, and you not showing up to a wedding is not that terrible IMO.

Good luck

[girl68]

Despite what I said I NEVER said "it's not you it's me". I don't think those are the right words to use. Explain HOW it's you and what you want but don't say that phrase. It licks donkey crap.

[lahnnabell]

As many others have stated, cultivating a serious relationship at such a young age can be really difficult. Combine that with a stubborn, prideful, depressed guy and you've got your work cut out for you.

I would go absolutely bonkers if I had to sit inside all day or all night all the time. My boyfriend went through a similar phase recently after he got back from studying in Mexico. He was looking for work, running out of money, and stuck at the house. After a month of that same routine, he began to get quite depressed, so much so that he began questioning our relationship. It took him some time to finally be able to talk about it, and when he did, I responded calmly and reassuringly. I also put the reins in his hand and took a huge step back. I realized I was doing far too much relationship maintenance, and that he needed some responsibility. I didn't call him for a few days, and kept contact to a minimum. When we did speak or spend time together, I made sure it was during moments we could fully enjoy each others' company. Shortly after that he got two jobs, and he quickly became much more attentive and loving again.

However, it doesn't look like your sister's guy is ready to talk about anything. In fact, I'm sure he thinks there's "nothing to talk about". So, your sister can do one of two things right now.

1. She can take a step back. Let HIM do the initiating. In order for this to be successful, one has to be very sure of themselves. She needs to know that his issues are HIS issues, not hers. It's sad that he's going through a rough period (I've been in a situation like his), but she is only enabling him at present. She indulges him, and drives to his house, and sits with him and she is driving HERSELF crazy. She has every right to spend time with her friends and to go out. She's taking care of her life and she should celebrate it. If she takes more time to care for herself, this guy is going to see what he's losing and what he's missing out on. There will probably come a point where he'll whine about the fact that she's not spending enough time with him. That is her in to have a conversation, but as of right now, he won't hear anything she's saying. He needs to be SHOWN that his behavior is detrimental to their relationship.

2. She can cut her losses. Nothing is going to get fixed right away. If she doesn't want to take the time to work with him on this, then she needs to leave. But if any change is going to be made, he needs help from her in the ways I've described above. He doesn't need to be coddled. He needs to be shown that he's acting like a dumbass. We've all got problems. Life doesn't have a pause button. We need to learn to adapt to the never-ending shit storm of responsibilities, finances, education, and living our lives.

[lahnnabell]

So she's breaking up with him because he won't spend a ton of money on her and get a part time job while having a full-time job (college) in order to do it?

Good for him in not bending here.

And this is a really dumbass comment. So, because she wants to do more than sit inside and watch TV, or wants to be with a guy that is goal-oriented, she's a huge golddigger or something? Women are attracted to men that take care of themselves. This guy sounds like he can barely gather enough energy to shower, let alone attend school or turn on the TV.

And I worked 30 hours a week while commuting 20 miles to school each day for 4 years while maintaining a serious relationship for two of those years. It's totally do-able. You just have to want it.

[Mathias]

And this is a really dumbass comment. So, because she wants to do more than sit inside and watch TV, or wants to be with a guy that is goal-oriented, she's a huge golddigger or something? Women are attracted to men that take care of themselves. This guy sounds like he can barely gather enough energy to shower, let alone attend school or turn on the TV.

And I worked 30 hours a week while commuting 20 miles to school each day for 4 years while maintaining a serious relationship for two of those years. It's totally do-able. You just have to want it.

Goal-oriented? He's going to college. She's a hairdresser.

He can't afford stuff right now and she wants to go out. This was cleared up later by the OP, and cleared up well, but you're out on a weird limb here.

[lahnnabell]

That's quite terrible that you assume that because her profession didn't require a four-year degree that she's of lesser value or isn't as goal-oriented. Ever think that some people don't WANT to spend $80,000 on an education that will not necessarily lead you to the profession you truly want? If she's happy doing hair, then that's great. Besides, I have a 4-year degree and you want to know what I'm doing with it? I'm a waitress. Because this economy sucks. So, if you think that because someone gets a degree that jobs just suddenly rain down from the heavens, you need to pull your head out of your ass.

My apologies about misunderstanding what was cleared up and what was not. But why would you jump to such a conclusion and respond in such an sarcastic manner? It's insensitive and makes you look like an asshole.

[Mathias]

That's quite terrible that you assume that because her profession didn't require a four-year degree that she's of lesser value or isn't as goal-oriented. Ever think that some people don't WANT to spend $80,000 on an education that will not necessarily lead you to the profession you truly want? If she's happy doing hair, then that's great. Besides, I have a 4-year degree and you want to know what I'm doing with it? I'm a waitress. Because this economy sucks. So, if you think that because someone gets a degree that jobs just suddenly rain down from the heavens, you need to pull your head out of your ass.

My apologies about misunderstanding what was cleared up and what was not. But why would you jump to such a conclusion and respond in such an sarcastic manner? It's insensitive and makes you look like an asshole.

At this point? To rile you up.

I'm sorry you can't find a job. We have positions open.

[TheTooya]

Goal-oriented? He's going to college. She's a hairdresser.

</****ing_dislike>

Great, the bloke may be shit poor, but that doesn't give him an excuse to do nothing, and you know it. Me? My girlfriend and I both go to college, and theres been many times when we did not have money. Guess what I did? Complain about not having money and have her watch TV all day?

**** no, I would try to be as creative as my male brain could be (which isn't all that creative mind you.)

I'd take her to the mall to go window shopping (looking, not buying), we went out to the park, I took her to Botanical garden, I would even take her to the zoo (which did cost a little), and I was a full time student with FOUR ****ing jobs to cover housing, tuition, and food. Not having money is not enough of an excuse to do jack shit.


And yes, the issue has been cleared up, but you still looked like a douche from your earlier post.

[Mathias]

</****ing_dislike>

Great, the bloke may be shit poor, but that doesn't give him an excuse to do nothing, and you know it. Me? My girlfriend and I both go to college, and theres been many times when we did not have money. Guess what I did? Complain about not having money and have her watch TV all day?

**** no, I would try to be as creative as my male brain could be (which isn't all that creative mind you.)

I'd take her to the mall to go window shopping (looking, not buying), we went out to the park, I took her to Botanical garden, I would even take her to the zoo (which did cost a little), and I was a full time student with FOUR ****ing jobs to cover housing, tuition, and food. Not having money is not enough of an excuse to do jack shit.


And yes, the issue has been cleared up, but you still looked like a douche from your earlier post.

I never said I wasn't a douche. Don't really care if I look like one.

You, however, just overreacted a little bit here. It's going to be OK if you disagree with someone on a message board. No reason to raise your blood pressure that much over it, though.

[TheTooya]

I never said I wasn't a douche. Don't really care if I look like one.

You, however, just overreacted a little bit here. It's going to be OK if you disagree with someone on a message board. No reason to raise your blood pressure that much over it, though.

Nah, I dd over react a tad, but was still pissed with the comparison between a college guy and hairdresser <_<

I tend to disagree with a lot of people online, that's the beauty of forums, no? :p

[RdHrshyKss]

i just want to point out that my sister did go to school for a year to study business and decided that hairstyling was something that she really enjoyed and wanted to make a career out of. and trust me, the salon she works at isn't some supercuts. it's a high class salon in a busy city with plenty of rich towns nearby. the Jets coach's wife got her hair done there regularly. so there is plenty of money to be had in hairstyling, etc...you just have to be extremely goal-oriented, patient and confident. my sister is all of those things, and i think she is doing a hell of lot more for herself than her (now ex) boyfriend.

i'm not going to put him in a negative light, because he's an awesome guy, who deserves well, but he has a lot of shit going on with his life right now and is finding it very difficult to be productive. my sister is a VERY outgoing person, and sitting at his place watching tv every night was not something she wanted in a relationship. who knows, maybe after he gets all his stuff figured out they'll find each other again, but for now, i think they are both better off without each other. they are 21 years old, i think that is way too young to be acting like a broke married couple.