my sister is contemplating breaking up with her bf

[lahnnabell]

How'd he take the whole thing?

[RdHrshyKss]

the last i talked to my sister, which was the day she broke up with him, she said that he told her he'd give her all the time she needed for space, etc. i think he is grasping onto the hope that she just needs space and will go back to him...i don't know if my sister was trying to be nice and was afraid to tell him the absolute truth about what she wants, or if he is denying the truth about their breakup, but i told her she should send him an e-mail explaining everything in detail about what it is that she wants (to break up officially so that she/he can date other people) and then tell him that they could meet up to discuss later if he needed further clarification. i know it's hard for her to be brutally honest with him because of his current situation, she's afraid to hurt him. but i explained to her that not telling him the truth will only make matters worse and will end up hurting him more in the long run.

my sister is still very young and can be immature about some things, she tends to live in the moment most of the time and when things get tough, she'd rather avoid confrontation. my mom said she hasn't been coming home after work since the day she broke up with him, so i'm thinking she is avoiding my parents too (my mom was against the breakup because she is concerned about the reasons why my sister wanted to leave him). i honestly have no idea what's going on with my sister, i need to call her and find out. when she is avoiding people like this, it usually means she is doing something that she thinks we would be disappointed in. my gut feeling is that she is hanging around with another guy, or is hanging out with these two gf's of hers from HS that were really bad influences.

[Gigabitch]

I hate it when people string people along. She should just let him go, not draw out the torture.

[RdHrshyKss]

i totally agree. it's selfish. but people who are being dumped try to make it extra difficult. they know what the other person is saying but they try to latch on to every little thing to maintain some hope, which inevitably makes it more and more difficult for the other person to break it off clean. my thoughts are that my sister told him how she felt, he responded by saying that he'll give her all the time and space she needs, she started to feel really bad because she realized that he wanted to keep options open, didn't feel comfortable being brutally honest with him because of all the stress he's under, left without making things brutally clear, and is now avoiding him and everyone else who knew about it. she likes running away/avoiding her problems. she's still young so to speak, but i'm hoping she'll get out of that immature/selfish phase and start realizing that doing that hurts everyone.

[lahnnabell]

She sounds a lot like how my little sister used to be.

I don't think she should offer to meet up at a future time. That is just an excuse for him to latch onto false hope and will do nothing good for either of them. I tried that a few times and it never turned out how I'd wanted it to. Once with my college boyfriend after I told him I needed time to think. I was already unhappy with him, he had been emotionally abusive, and I had been cheating on him during the last month of our relationship. I should have just told him it was over. But I felt awful that he was hurting and I dragged it out. When we met for coffee, all he wanted to hear was that I'd take him back. He wouldn't hear anything else (i.e. my reasons for being unhappy, etc.) And so our conversation wasn't very productive and I had to cut it short.

It hurt me more in the long-run too because I didn't want to 'cause him pain.

[girl68]

tell her not to give any future meeting...

[RdHrshyKss]

ok, i don't think she plans on meeting him. i sent her a message asking her what's going on and she said this, "Nothing much...just keeping busy with work. I've picked up even more hours and now I'm just focusing on myself. it actually gets a little harder each day, cause I'm so used to a routine, but..I'm okay." i sent her another message asking her if her ex knows what her intentions are (to be able to date other people) and she said this, "I told him to be single and he said if he wanted to be single, he would be."

so what do you think he's thinking? that he wants her to know that he isn't going to date other people because he wants to be with her? i don't know what to take from that kind of response and what would you do if you were trying to break up with someone and they said that to you?

i'm hoping that her lack of presence at home is because of these extra hours. she could be saying that just to get me off her back. our weekly get together for true blood is coming up on sunday. i'll try to squeeze some more information out of her then


just saw his facebook status: "Blue on black, tears on a river, push on a shove, it dont mean much. Joker on Jack, match on a fire, cold on ice, a dead man's touch. Whisper on a scream, doesnt change a thing, doesnt bring you back. Blue on black." i hope he can get over this hump and concentrate on getting his stuff together. that's what's most important i think, that they both work and concentrate on themselves. a relationship together doesn't mean shit if they are unhappy with themselves alone.

[lahnnabell]

I'm sure he's kicking himself right now, but it'll still take time for him to realize that the change has to come from within. Nothing your sister could've done would've helped him if he didn't want it.

He's staying single in the hopes that she'll come back soon. He's probably used to these little mini-break-ups from some of his past relationships, but your sister needs to stick by her decision. She shouldn't feel ashamed of what she wants. She's young and should be having a good time.

Her ex will eventually figure his shit out, but not for a while. How's he doing in school? If he's as depressed as you say, I'm thinking he's probably having a tough time pulling his weight there too.

[RdHrshyKss]

my sister said that he works really hard when he's in school. i never got into actual grades though. but it does sound like he's taking his time graduating. i don't know if that's because of a financial thing or not, but if his family is so broke and he's taking out loans (which i think he is) getting it done quicker is actually cheaper.

i don't think he's like clinically depressed or anything, but she did say that he has a lot of shit on his plate and has always been very quiet about his feelings. she said whenever she would try talking to him about stuff he would always take immediate fault and they wouldn't get into any discussion about it, he wouldn't really talk. my sister is a very talkative person, so i can see how this lack of communication between the two would become a problem.

[lahnnabell]

I'm a talkative person too. In fact, I had to learn how to NOT talk so much. I would beat things to death sometimes and I could see this frustrated many a boyfriend. Now I'm much better about being succinct and to the point.

And yes, if he wants to spend less money on school, he's gotta get it over with. Hopefully, he'll use this time to get his ass in gear.

[TheTooya]

the last i talked to my sister, which was the day she broke up with him, she said that he told her he'd give her all the time she needed for space, etc. i think he is grasping onto the hope that she just needs space and will go back to him...i don't know if my sister was trying to be nice and was afraid to tell him the absolute truth about what she wants, or if he is denying the truth about their breakup

I really, REALLY hope your sister let this guy know there is no "hope" (assuming shes moving on)

I flat out told my ex there is "no chance whatsoever of us getting back together." She was distraught, tried to contact me for about 2 or 3 weeks, and then stopped contact altogether (minus one text message about a month later that I ignored.)

I didn't sugarcoat the break up to her because I am a nice guy... does that make sense?

[RdHrshyKss]

yeah, although, i don't know if my sister has the mentality that they are NEVER getting back together. she sees a lot of nice qualities in him, qualities she would like in a person she'd ultimately marry, but there were just too many issues right now. he's having issues with money and family, she's having issues and is craving some independence. it was just bad timing. i don't think she's thrown the idea of them completely out the window, she just wants to concentrate on herself right now. and she feels she needs to be single in order to do it so that's what she is doing. i'm sure a part of her doesn't want to let go entirely. they have a lot of mutual friends so i'm sure they will cross paths every now and then.

[Illusional]

all these problems, yet it only takes on simple solution. just leave..... and never look back.


raverboy

[RdHrshyKss]

easier said than done. although i really do think she is trying. she increased her hours at work and is trying to get on top of her finances so that she can move into her own place.