Can a single man be a good friend to a married woman?

[survivor08]

So you believe in the Harry Met Sally Doctrine (The movie) that a man can never be friends with a woman, when there is a "more than friends" interest.
Because I read your comment as good chemistry between M-F who get along well, is reserved for relationships.

No I am not hooked on this married gal.

When a M-F get along well enough to be good friends, there is always chemistry. I have never known otherwise. So no, you won't be able to keep this platonic. Especially if you two are going out and dancing, etc. Sorry not to tell you want you want to hear, but its the truth. You are better backing things off to the civil, acquaintance level. You probably won't be able to though, from the sound of things you are already hooked on this married gal. Good luck.

[survivor08]

Forgot to ask you about the boundaries. Please explain how I already have boundary problems.

This^ kind of comment means you already have boundary problems. Who told you this? Her? Bad, bad news if so.

[vashti]

I don't think there is anything wrong with her having dance classes without her husband. Maybe he just doesn't like dancing? Does this mean she should never enjoy one of life's greatest pleasures?

Also, I think it is possible to be friends with someone married, depending on whether or not you are careful to avoid genuine emotional intimacy. Unless you are ugly.

[Gigabitch]

Also, I think it is possible to be friends with someone married, depending on whether or not you are careful to avoid genuine emotional intimacy. Unless you are ugly.

I agree. It isn't possible for ugly people to be friends with anyone.

[survivor08]

Yes Giga, from now on I will only pursue friendship with people i find unattractive, then when the friendship turns into a relationship, I will end up with a physically unattractive woman but with a great personality. Sexual chemistry is over rated anyways.

This is a BAD idea, survivor. Don't pursue a friendship with someone you find even remotely attractive.

[Gigabitch]

You shouldn't be dating your friends anyway. If you meet someone you find attractive, ask her out. Date her. Don't call her your friend if you want to bone her. Friends don't ****.

[survivor08]

There is another married woman of 2 years, who since she has been coming to dance lessons (weekly for about 6 months now) NEVER once has her husband shown up to see the place. I personally think that is odd, something tells me that things at home are not that great, and the fact that she never brings up her husband unless his name comes up in a discussion.

I think if I was her husband, I would at least have stopped by once with her just to see (take interest) the place where she spends a good amount of time during the week. This alone shows that I would care about her other interests. That is all....

I don't think there is anything wrong with her having dance classes without her husband. Maybe he just doesn't like dancing? Does this mean she should never enjoy one of life's greatest pleasures?

Also, I think it is possible to be friends with someone married, depending on whether or not you are careful to avoid genuine emotional intimacy. Unless you are ugly.

[Gigabitch]

There is another married woman of 2 years, who since she has been coming to dance lessons (weekly for about 6 months now) NEVER once has her husband shown up to see the place. I personally think that is odd, something tells me that things at home are not that great, and the fact that she never brings up her husband unless his name comes up in a discussion.

I think if I was her husband, I would at least have stopped by once with her just to see (take interest) the place where she spends a good amount of time during the week. This alone shows that I would care about her other interests. That is all....

My ex-husband showed up to my kickboxing gym once, because I made him come, for a tournament. He spent half his time outside, smoking cigarettes and talking to his brother on the phone. He was truly disinterested in my extracurricular activities. This did NOT give me license to form questionable relationships with other men.

[IndiReloaded]

My ex-husband showed up to my kickboxing gym once, because I made him come, for a tournament. He spent half his time outside, smoking cigarettes and talking to his brother on the phone. He was truly disinterested in my extracurricular activities. This did NOT give me license to form questionable relationships with other men.

Same for me when he comes to the dojo. Except for the cigs. He brings a book instead.

Survivor, I'm not saying you can't be friends, even with someone you find attractive. I'm just saying its really important to maintain suitable boundaries. I have a guy friend with that kind of dynamic BUT the boundaries are firm and clear and he is friends with both of us. But once upon a time those boundaries got blurred and it was an awkward time for both of us. The only reason we are still friends today is b/c we are both stubborn asses so we worked it out and we've known each other longer than most of you have been alive. Its really not worth the drama for someone you barely know.

EDIT - sorry I didn't answer your boundaries question. It was the comment about her 'marrying too young' that was a red flag to me. Sounds like she is already discussing her husband/marriage with you and that should be 'no go' territory. If you want to keep it under control do NOT let her unload her relationship issues on you. That is how women get emotionally attached and activate all those male 'shining knight' instincts. Keep it friendly, civil and the content absolutely away from discussing her family and you should be fine.

[Kaius]

It also depends on HER approach to things. I have met many attractive women who constantly talk about how wonderful her husband and kids are. These women are okay to be friends with because there is no way she would abandon a good life to date a new guy. If she is always talking about how miserable the marriage is (or mistake to be married so young), then she is open to approaches, which means she may not emotionally be married. Then you gotta make a choice.... Do you want to be with a woman who is likely to go through a divorce in the near future...and all the baggage along with it. If you just want to be "friends", then you should BACK OFF.

[RdHrshyKss]

Depends what you mean by 'friends'. Are you are in regular communication with these guys? Are you emotionally unloading on them, and do they take the time to listen? B/c thats what the OP of this thread is probably meaning by 'good friends'.

I'm NOT meaning guys you've known for a long time and only occasionally see each other b/c you happen to move in the same social circle. I'm talking about guys who know your phone number and aren't afraid to call you up to chat or go out. If THAT and the above is the type of 'friendship' you have with these guys then, yes, its not 'just friends'. Guys just don't make that amount of effort for someone who isn't a possible sex partner. Sorry to shatter your world.

seriously? my one guy friend is becoming more and more distant because of his busy life with medical school and his gf, but my other friend who is married chats with me or calls me every now and then to hang out (all 4 of us), and i feel comfortable calling him whenever to chat about stuff. i don't think he has any intentions of being anything other than my friend. but he is from russia, so maybe there is a slight cultural difference? i know that he loves his wife, so i'm going to hold onto the idea that it is possible to be really really close with a guy (best friends) without there being any possibility of sex.

[IndiReloaded]

Seriously. But, hey, he's your friend. You know him and I don't, of course. All I can do is post based on my own experience. But yes, if this guy calls YOU just 'to chat' then its a safe bet he likes you more than just friends. What you two do about it is a different issue.

Personally, tho I would never feel comfortable with letting a married man call me just 'to chat'. Even the husbands of our married friends don't do that. If I were you I'd find my own, single BF to do that with. I mean, does his wife know? Does she also call you just to chat? If she knows and is fine with it, then that's getting more into what I said about it being okay (maybe) so long as you are all friends. But usually, the single person ends up being a bit of a 5th wheel. She's probably wondering also why you just don't get your own BF to talk to.

[RdHrshyKss]

Seriously. But, hey, he's your friend. You know him and I don't, of course. All I can do is post based on my own experience. But yes, if this guy calls YOU just 'to chat' then its a safe bet he likes you more than just friends. What you two do about it is a different issue.

Personally, tho I would never feel comfortable with letting a married man call me just 'to chat'. Even the husbands of our married friends don't do that. If I were you I'd find my own, single BF to do that with. I mean, does his wife know? Does she also call you just to chat? If she knows and is fine with it, then that's getting more into what I said about it being okay (maybe) so long as you are all friends. But usually, the single person ends up being a bit of a 5th wheel. She's probably wondering also why you just don't get your own BF to talk to.

his wife and i are very friendly and we'll talk about random girl stuff all the time (complaining about how much of a slob our partners are haha) and she does text me randomly sometimes if she has an idea for a couple date or has a random question or whatever. since she knows me through her husband, and my bf knows them through me, it just so happens that when we make plans to hang out it's almost always my guy friend and me contacting each other to make plans. sometimes i'll call him to get some advice on random stuff that he can help me with because he's in finance. but we do chat online during work when we're bored. i'm sure he chats up with my bf too because we're all on gmail, but we don't do a group chat or anything. i just think that his wife trusts us because we behave like brother and sister pretty much and we've known each other for 10 years and nothing has ever happened, same goes for my bf trusting me. since they've been married i've never hung out with him without her. it could possibly happen if she isn't around, but even then my bf would be there. i wouldn't make plans to hang out with him alone just because i wouldn't feel a need to. i consider his wife a part of him and i think he considers my bf a part of me.

my intentions have always been friendly ones. i've never tried to be sneaky or secretive about anything in regards to my relationship with my guy friend. so if his wife was having these kind of thoughts and told me about it, i'd probably just stop chatting with him online and would only talk/hang out when we're all together.

[survivor08]

Yes she is, in a nut shell I get the feeling her husband does not put in the effort to be her best friend, I think she should be looking for a good best friend in a female perhaps, not a good looking single, fit, and physically active male. Again, good advice, it is not like I don't know these things but I wanted others opinions. thanks.

EDIT - sorry I didn't answer your boundaries question. It was the comment about her 'marrying too young' that was a red flag to me. Sounds like she is already discussing her husband/marriage with you and that should be 'no go' territory. If you want to keep it under control do NOT let her unload her relationship issues on you. That is how women get emotionally attached and activate all those male 'shining knight' instincts. Keep it friendly, civil and the content absolutely away from discussing her family and you should be fine.

[Raze]

I'm going to quote "When Harry Met Sally"

"Men and women can't be friends because sex will always get in the way."

This goes for women you find attractive. Bad idea! Play it safe!