Boosting Your Friend's Confidence - PLEASE HELP

[Male_1991]

Dear All,

A close friend of mine has a rather low opinion of herself for reasons unknown to me. She says she is not intelligent or attractive and generally blames herself for any problems that involve her.

At first, I thought she just wanted people to feel sorry for her or perhaps she needed someone to tell her that she is in fact just awesome. But this is not the case here.

I know for a fact that she is both intelligent and very attractive (not just in my opinion).

My question is, is there anything I can do to boost her self-esteem or make her believe that the standards she sets for herself are not in the human range? Or can I tell her how amazing she is without sounding like I'm hitting on her ?

Any and all help/suggestions are welcome and deeply appreciated.

[Gigabitch]

Is this really your responsibility? It sounds like you're asking us how to become an emotional crutch for her. She needs to learn to stand on her own.

[Male_1991]

Is this really your responsibility? It sounds like you're asking us how to become an emotional crutch for her. She needs to learn to stand on her own.

I realise that she needs to become more independent but she's had a pretty rough time recently and I really don't think tough love is the way forward. In a way I think it is my responsibility as a friend. I'm not saying to be there for her all the time but to start her off and then let her do it herself.

Thanks for your input anyway.

[QueenofCorona]

Maybe she needs to do something that would make her feel really good about herself...like finishing a marathon (offer to do it with her and be her motivator) or looking for a new job or facing a challege of some sort head on. Or maybe she needs to talk to a therapist if the issue is much deeper, which I feel is the case. Sometimes you can only be an ear for a person. I don't think you can change anything for her. Let her know there is no shame in therapy.

[Male_1991]

Maybe she needs to do something that would make her feel really good about herself...like finishing a marathon (offer to do it with her and be her motivator) or looking for a new job or facing a challege of some sort head on. Or maybe she needs to talk to a therapist if the issue is much deeper, which I feel is the case. Sometimes you can only be an ear for a person. I don't think you can change anything for her. Let her know there is no shame in therapy.

That makes sense. She isn't really depressed about it or anything, it's like she's accepted that she's not all that, but she is, she's amazing . Anyway, that makes a lot of sense. I'll do what I can. Thanks for the help It's deeply appreciated

[VincenzoG91]

If she's just temporarily down, give her a pep talk and try to get her to laugh. Exercise, especially regular exercise, can also help. But if she's down on herself all the time, that's her problem. You can't give somebody self-esteem, because it's self-esteem. She has to find it for herself. Maybe a therapist could help.

[Gigabitch]

Be careful to keep your boundaries clear. I'm thinking of a girl my husband used to be friends with. She had a big crush on him and he actually slept with her a few times to make her feel better and boost her confidence. He told her they were just friends with benefits and that he cared a lot about her as a person but that they weren't going to go any farther with a relationship.

Long story short, that didn't work out too well. She got shredded, and when he got together with me, she wanted to murder me. Still does, as far as I know.

You're walking through an emotional minefield, trying to tinker with this girl's state of mind. It could get very sticky. If you start meeting her emotional needs, she will come to depend on you, no matter how much you try to explain you're just friends.

[Male_1991]

Be careful to keep your boundaries clear. I'm thinking of a girl my husband used to be friends with. She had a big crush on him and he actually slept with her a few times to make her feel better and boost her confidence. He told her they were just friends with benefits and that he cared a lot about her as a person but that they weren't going to go any farther with a relationship.

Long story short, that didn't work out too well. She got shredded, and when he got together with me, she wanted to murder me. Still does, as far as I know.

You're walking through an emotional minefield, trying to tinker with this girl's state of mind. It could get very sticky. If you start meeting her emotional needs, she will come to depend on you, no matter how much you try to explain you're just friends.

I appreciate your honesty and I am sorry about your situation. Hope it will all be ok. To be honest, I wouldn't mind getting "sticky". I'm not actually sure if I just care about this girl as a friend or if I want to be with her. It's a mess. I'll make sure to keep my distance so she knows nothing else will happen. Thank you for sharing, by far, the most helpful post.

[Charlie Boy II]

I'm thinking of a girl my husband used to be friends with. She had a big crush on him and he actually slept with her a few times to make her feel better and boost her confidence.

Even the dumbest guy out knows that you don't sleep with a girl but refuse to commit to her to "make her feel better and boost her confidence." More like he manipulated her insecurities to get laid. And you call me emotionally irresponsible.

[vashti]

Maybe she needs to do something that would make her feel really good about herself...like finishing a marathon (offer to do it with her and be her motivator)

I think that's a fantastic idea.

[Gigabitch]

Even the dumbest guy out knows that you don't sleep with a girl but refuse to commit to her to "make her feel better and boost her confidence." More like he manipulated her insecurities to get laid. And you call me emotionally irresponsible.

How do you think I learned all this shit about the dumb stuff guys do? Shit, Charlie Boy, you've been witness to plenty of my kvetching about this man's emotional retardation through the years. I think he liked feeling like "the good guy" who wouldn't reject the poor girl. This was not the only "friend" of his this happened with. He was swingin' it all over town for years. There's this wake of destruction behind him. He feels horrible about it now that he realizes that they didn't take it all as casually as he did.

You're smarter than he is, though, CB, and you have the benefit of Love Forum so you can't do that.

And you, male_1991, don't you dare get sticky with that girl. It will be a train wreck, I promise you. The best thing you can do to boost her confidence is treat her with respect and consideration, so keep your wiener away from her unless you're really into her.

[Male_1991]

How do you think I learned all this shit about the dumb stuff guys do? Shit, Charlie Boy, you've been witness to plenty of my kvetching about this man's emotional retardation through the years. I think he liked feeling like "the good guy" who wouldn't reject the poor girl. This was not the only "friend" of his this happened with. He was swingin' it all over town for years. There's this wake of destruction behind him. He feels horrible about it now that he realizes that they didn't take it all as casually as he did.

You're smarter than he is, though, CB, and you have the benefit of Love Forum so you can't do that.

And you, male_1991, don't you dare get sticky with that girl. It will be a train wreck, I promise you. The best thing you can do to boost her confidence is treat her with respect and consideration, so keep your wiener away from her unless you're really into her.

You're right but just for the record, I meant getting emotionally "sticky" and not physically so no worries there. She's a good friend, besides I would never exploit a girl, especially in that situation. Thanks for the advice, it was really helpful

[Gigabitch]

Oh, I thought you meant it in the Zohan sense of the word. heh heh.

[lotus petals]

male 1991,
in my opinion the world esp. the usa is quite rough on everyones self-esteem and confidence. for example, women are bombarted with billions of dollars worth of brilliantly manipulative advertising each year to feel more insecure about themselves so they will buy products and then fit into the world and be worthy haha! its an amazing scam being played on all of us everyday.

so my philosophy is that anyone who enters my sphere is going to be loved. i am not shy and confrontation and assertion come easy to me. my friends who are attractive will hear from me regularly how lovely they look. smart ones, how smart they are. whatever their talent is they will hear my appreciation of it. when i enter a home that's pleasant, my first words will be to compliment the resident on creating a good environment. and by being brutally honest they know i am not B.S.ing anyone. just yesterday a friend told me how much it means to him that i acknowledge his good qualities. if you are honest, people will soak it up like a very thirsty sponge.

we don't live in a vacuum. love your friend, it will make a huge difference in the quality of her life.

[IndiReloaded]

keep your wiener away from her unless you're really into her.

It would definitely be hard not to, then. LOL.