How to tell her...

[Nightie]

So I cheated on my girlfriend of nearly a year... And now feel like crap. And I deserve to, I know. I probably shouldn't be in a relationship, I know. Do I see our relationship ending over this? Likely. I don't want it to, but I have no place to go against what she decides, since I did what I did.

The point of this thread isn't what will happen, clearly. I just want to know how to tell her this, and hurt her as little as possible...

[IncognitoSir]

Well, all you can do is tell here man. There's no real way to "make it hurt less". there's nothing you can do to soften the death blow to your realationship. Make sure you show her your regret and how sorry you really are, not in a effort to soften the blow, but an effort to preserve whatever is left of your realtionship with her. I'm glad you realize that whatever happens you deserve though. Thats a true sign of maturity on your part and i commend you for that.

[phys251]

At the risk of sounding really bad here...Is it absolutely necessary that you tell her?

[lotus petals]

what's the real reason to tell her? perhaps to take a load off of your conscience? i say "no" don't tell her. you live with what you did, and she never has to feel the pain of it. telling her is not necessary or fair to her, it will cause her much grief.

if you love her then vow to never do it again. if you think you may wander again then tell her how special she is but you are feeling the need to grow and expand and that it has nothing to do with her. tell her the timing is off btwn you two because you would rather be single.

some secrets are best kept to yourself.

[Gigabitch]

Tell her at home, so she has the opportunity to yell at you and freak out. Don't tell her in public.

You sound really, truly sorry, but what changes would you be willing to make to ensure this never happens again, just in case she might be willing to forgive you? You should have a good statement prepared in the unlikely event that she's willing to hear it.

[LailaK]

You've already hurt her. No turning back now, the damage is done. Now you just have to man up and tell her the truth.

Oh, and as someone who has been cheated on, you should DEFINITELY tell her. Not telling her would just make you a coward and an a**hole. If she still wants you, you can put the cheating behind you. If she doesn't want you, well, she deserves to find someone who truly loves her and won't cheat.

If you don't tell her and she finds out on her own she will hate you even more.

[Kayla]

although I understand the logic behind not telling her- i still think she needs to know. you should definitely tell her. secrets can harm a relationship- its best to come out with it and deal with the consequences. if you two really love each other, then it is possible this can be worked out. that is up to her but you do need to tell her and let her make that choice- its only fair.

i agree with the others on the fact that you are showing maturity by being willing to admit you did the wrong thing. this will more than likely work to your advantage in her eyes..

[IncognitoSir]

what's the real reason to tell her? perhaps to take a load off of your conscience? i say "no" don't tell her. you live with what you did, and she never has to feel the pain of it. telling her is not necessary or fair to her, it will cause her much grief.

if you love her then vow to never do it again. if you think you may wander again then tell her how special she is but you are feeling the need to grow and expand and that it has nothing to do with her. tell her the timing is off btwn you two because you would rather be single.

some secrets are best kept to yourself.

At the risk of sounding really bad here...Is it absolutely necessary that you tell her?

Yup, thats really bad. you two need to go to the James thread. I think he'll agree with your advice.

[lotus petals]

incognitosir,
no two humans are the same or think alike. we all have different insights, thank goodness. when you find yourself judgemental of anothers perspectivel, you need to look in the mirror. perhaps there is something for you to learn?

rarely do people "get over" the fact that their lover strayed, even once. it will be a constant source of irritation and grief to his gf if they stay together or separate. she will always feel betrayed. why not just break-up, then she only feels the hurt of rejection. i say that true love cares more for her feelings than his need to get the burden off of himself and "come clean".

look at the long term ramifications as opposed to regurgitating what you have been programed to believe is the "right" thing to do. if he did not practice safe sex then he needs to get tested. if something comes up positive then he has a reason to tell.

try to grasp the fact that all opinions are valid, we never know what will "reach" or appeal to the origional poster.

[lahnnabell]

Why do you think you cheated? If you are truly sorry and want to repair the damage, you have to take a good hard look at why you did what you did. You have to seek out the root of the problem and destroy it (in a sense). And she has to be willing to help you with it. If you two aren't on the same page with this, it will crumble.

[Gigabitch]

what's the real reason to tell her?

Because being lied to is another betrayal on top of the original offense. Lying is destructive, just like stealing, physical abuse, and cheating.

[IndiReloaded]

incognitosir,
no two humans are the same or think alike. we all have different insights, thank goodness. when you find yourself judgemental of anothers perspectivel, you need to look in the mirror. perhaps there is something for you to learn?

rarely do people "get over" the fact that their lover strayed, even once. it will be a constant source of irritation and grief to his gf if they stay together or separate. she will always feel betrayed. why not just break-up, then she only feels the hurt of rejection. i say that true love cares more for her feelings than his need to get the burden off of himself and "come clean".

look at the long term ramifications as opposed to regurgitating what you have been programed to believe is the "right" thing to do. if he did not practice safe sex then he needs to get tested. if something comes up positive then he has a reason to tell.

try to grasp the fact that all opinions are valid, we never know what will "reach" or appeal to the origional poster.

No, not all opinions are equally valid. Just like some ideas are stupid. Yours is the path to mediocrity. Plus, its incredibly insulting to one's supposed 'partner'.

The trouble with the 'don't tell for their sake' argument is that it ASSUMES they don't want to know. Who are you to decide this for another rational, thinking adult? Now, if you have had a prior conversation in your relationship where a partner has told you explicitly: "I wouldn't want to know if you ever cheated", then your argument might hold some substance. However, if you haven't had this prior conversation then a cheater is only adding insult to injury by making this decision on behalf of their partner. Plus, your motives must be held suspect since its clear how they would benefit by withholding the truth.

Partners are not children. Its simply not right to withhold this kind of information from them unless they have explicitly asked you to. What if their cheating partner catches some STI? They don't have the right to know about this possibility?

[Kayla]

incognitosir,
no two humans are the same or think alike. we all have different insights, thank goodness. when you find yourself judgemental of anothers perspectivel, you need to look in the mirror. perhaps there is something for you to learn?

rarely do people "get over" the fact that their lover strayed, even once. it will be a constant source of irritation and grief to his gf if they stay together or separate. she will always feel betrayed. why not just break-up, then she only feels the hurt of rejection. i say that true love cares more for her feelings than his need to get the burden off of himself and "come clean".

look at the long term ramifications as opposed to regurgitating what you have been programed to believe is the "right" thing to do. if he did not practice safe sex then he needs to get tested. if something comes up positive then he has a reason to tell.

try to grasp the fact that all opinions are valid, we never know what will "reach" or appeal to the origional poster.

the only part of this that makes any sense to me is avoiding telling her ONLY if you are going to break up with her.

As for the rest- that kind of thinking can lead to the mentality that someone can do whatever they want and its in "the best interest of the other person" not to tell them about it. This sounds like a license for him to do whatever he wants and sounds VERY self serving.

Following your logic that true love cares more about the feelings of the other person (which I agree with)- then really, truly the most loving thing to do here would be to break up with her without telling her you cheated. That way, she will be spared both the pain of being betrayed AND she will not be forced to live a lie against her will. Staying with her and not telling her would spare her the pain (assuming she never finds out) but it does not hold the cheater accountable. This is unfair.

I personally would rather know and would NOT buy the "I didnt tell you because I cared about your feelings" bullshit- lets get real here, caring about someones feelings means NOT doing it in the first place.

Also- saying that someone is only "regurgitating what they have been programmed to believe is right" is a rude statement that holds no validity here. Simply put, you have no idea why people posting here believe what they do.. you have no idea what level of thought or reasoning goes into someones definition of "right" and "wrong." For all you know, they are saying it because they really believe it and its not a mere regurgitation. Furthermore, you made a rude statement like that totally demeaning someone else's statement... then immediately turned around and said "all opinions are valid".... ?? confusing.

[lotus petals]

the regurgitation remark was in response to incognitosir's judgmental post. and i still think his thinking capacity is limited as is with most of the posters here. the bf made a huge mistake....for all we know he could now be the most incredible bf in the world for his girl. lets hypothesize that he has learned his lesson and learned what great value his gf has, perhaps he didn't see that before. lets further say she is in love with him and doesn't want to break up. btw this hypothetical scenario is more common than not.

so he tells her instead of keeping it to himself. they stay together. for the next 5 years when he is in any compromisiing position she wonders if he is going to cheat again. it seriously compromises her peace of mind on a regular basis but she is very bonded to him and is not planning on giving him up.

so what if he keeps it to himself, never strays again and she never has to worry or be stressed about him cheating. again i ask does she REALLY need to know in this scenario? it is quite possible that divulving the indiscretion will cause her more grief than happiness. what is more important? her happinness? or your inability to think outside of the box?

we all make mistakes while in relationship and sometimes keeping a secret, which is not unethical or lying, is in the best interest of your partner and the relationship.

either you can grasp this concept and respect it as being a viable option or you can reguritate your programming. your choice. i've seen many women stay with their guy after the cheating and say it has robbed their peace of mind. in fact its pretty much guaranteed and it's what usually happens.

[Kayla]

either you can grasp this concept and respect it as being a viable option or you can reguritate your programming.

really?? either/or?? so these are my only two options?! hardly.

Dont assume that no one here "grasps" the concept- because I do, I just don't agree. Understanding and agreeing are two different things. I totally understand that not telling about the cheating is an option (duh) and I even follow your logic behind it and have heard this reasoning before - I JUST DONT AGREE.

I also dont follow how it is that my failure to "respect" your opinion means that I am only repeating programming?? FYI- I never said I didnt respect your opinion just that I didnt agree. (another FYI- not respecting or agreeing with you does not make one a programmed robot. ) What I dont really understand is your unfounded attitude of intellectual superiority.

stop with the "regurgitating" and "programming" talk- because that is also very cliche. (not to mention condescending). Once again, I say you have no idea why anyone here believes what they do. You are just assuming that other peoples opinions on here are the result of what they have been told/taught.. and being very presumptuous in assuming that no one here has actually thought through or questioned/challenged their own belief system.

EVERYONE in the world is at least somewhat a product of what they have been told and exposed to their entire lives; EVERYONE is, as you put it, "programmed" - including you.