Devstated (any advise please)

[amyt25]

I have been with my partner for 3 years and have a 1 year old son with him, I also have a 6 year old from a previous relationship. We've had our ups and downs for around 14 months (since our son was born), we've hardly had any kind of intimacy in the last year, he tells me he doesnt feel like doing it, he just hasnt the urge due to stress. I dont believe he is cheating to be honest as he is very open with his mobile phone and has told me all of his email/facebook passwords etc. We have got on perfect 90% of the time but in May I found a flirty email to a girl from his work who he admitted he found attractive but wouldnt do anything with??? Then I found another email to his (female) boss at work saying I was "a fantastic mother and a great girl but we'll see how things work out", I confronted him about this and he admitted he had told his boss of only 3 weeks about our relationship issues! And around 4 weeks ago we had an argument and it became so explosive I ended up hitting him on the face This is something I have NEVER done and felt just so awful, we sorted it out and things seemed better. We went on holiday last week and things were fine. But this week hes been off with me and last night he started talking to me about the intimacy issue, just explaining that he again just doesnt feel the urge and its not me. I digged deeper and he admitted that hes not as in love with me anymore but he "cant break the family unit up". I told him you have to be true to yourself and it wouldnt be fair to stay with me for our children. He also paused and wouldnt answer the question "do you find me as attractive as you used to" all he would answer is "I still find you attractive". We hardly spoke the rest of the night but he joined me in bed, wasnt him usual self and just said night. This morning he went downstairs and never spoke to me yet normally he sit up in bed and chat, before he left for work he came back up told me he was going to work and gave me a kiss and a hug and said sorry he had to tell me about last night and for me to tell him what i wanna do. I told him i was upset and didnt know what to do he said "I do love you very much" I replied "but I want you to be in love with me" he said "I am" ??? And that we'd talk tonight. I asked him if we didnt have children would he still be here? He said yes which is confusing me more. I just dont know where I stand, I feel as though my world is slipping through my fingers and I cant do anything about it. He is the love of my life and I dont want to lose him yet I dont want to stay with him if he doesnt love me, its breaking my heart in two. I've got my 2 children who adore him and im scared its over.

[Gigabitch]

I actually think he IS cheating.

[60mm]

Yeah sounds like he is, have you straight out asked him?

[amyt25]

Hi,
yeah ive asked him straight out and he tells me hes not. Sounds awful but ive even looked in his mobile and on his facebook account, but there is never anything on it :s

[cmacattack1]

As most guys will respond to a girlfriend asking him "Are you cheating?", to answer that right on the spot the natural reaction would be to lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny. Not saying it's right if he is but I think for most of us that's just how we would respond. Anyway, everything that has happened up to this point does play a role and does impact your future. That explosive fight you had, you know the one where you hit him in the face? Yeah, that isn't behind you guys right now. You may think it was when you went on holiday and everything "seemed fine" but it's not. It's just another thing that is piling up on the already accumulating pile of issues that are there, even if they are a bunch of small things. It takes talking out and understanding to really get past these issues, but it also takes alot of time. When you are already unhappy and then have to have more talks to "figure things out" and feeble attempts to respark the romance, it's just continually going down the shitter.

I'm kind of curious as to why you check his phone and have all his passwords to all of his emails and stuff, and better yet, consistently check them? It's pretty obvious that you are insecure in your relationship now, but is this something you have been doing all along? Because this kind of lack of trust can have detrimental effects from the get go, and if you had trust issues in the past, that is still no excuse to carry this into the relationship you have now.

My problem with him is that he doesn't seem to care whether it goes down or not. He's just going through the motions and letting it slowly slip away. If he believed so much in your "family unit" I think he would be giving more of an effort. He hasn't and I think he is just hoping something magical is going to happen and everything can end happily ever after. I understand having a son kind of takes your attention and focus away from the relationship you have with the two of you, but it's just another responsibility to add on to your life and you have to balance your time and get your priorities in line so that they both can prosper. If you aren't growing together, you are growing apart and it's not going anywhere good now.

The problem with trying to talk to him is that he may not be be honest with you about how he feels. He may be too tired to "fight" with you so as long as you keep your talk to a normal level and not let is spiral out of control into another explosive fight again, you can make some progress. You also have to let him know you mean business about this and while he may say things like "I still think you are attractive, I still care" if his actions don't match up to it, you are probably going to have to be the one that takes action. Don't sit there and let it continually stagnate, you are going to have to do something and it better be sooner than later. I know he is the love of your life and you look to him for security, protection, and for him to make the decisions for you both, but if nothing is happening on his end and it seems like it isn't, you gotta make the moves. If it takes you taking your son and being out of the house for a while so he can figure out what he needs, so be it. Do not be afraid to do it. If it doesn't work out with you two, you will find somebody else, do not worry. And I'm not saying you should leave him right now and date other people. Just something to get him to start figuring things out, because it seems like you know what you want and he doesn't.

This isn't how a relationship is supposed to be and I hope he will understand that.

[amyt25]

Thank you for your reply
Your right about the explosive fight not being behind us, he mentioned that last night. He said all the little fights and arguments mount up and he cant forget them, whereas weirdly i'm the opposite. I kinda think when an arguments done its done. But he said that they play on his mind even months after.
I don't actually know why I check his phone etc, the only explaination I have is I have insecurities about him therefore I check to see if im proven right if that makes sense?! I havent been doing it all along just sort of the last year since his intimacy towards me went.
My partner is that he was kinda a loser (his words) til he met me. He didnt work and just sat around doing nothing and now hes at work full time and never misses a day and he says thats what makes him so stressed because for so many years he didnt do anything. So I dont know whether any of that has a reason to his behaviour?
Your also right about the too tired to fight he oftens tells me he doesnt wanna argue, but he said last night that trying not to bite back or make an argument is making him "withdrawn" into himself???
I feel like is it right to almost chase after someone who may not want me? If that makes sense. So i've kinda withdrawn from him a lot cos I dont wanna be the one who talks him into stayin then 2-3 months down this all happens again. So I dont know what to do to be honest.
Thank you again for your advise It makes sense

[amyt25]

Just an update - he left me and our children last night. I believe he is cheating on me, he met a girl at his work he said hes spoken to her about our issues yet he doesnt know her, he tried to prove she hadnt texted by showin me his phone to his surprise was a message from her saying "i know the score, thinking of you xx" so hed already told her we'd split. It wouldnt surprise me if he wasnt there now. All hope has gone and im even more devastated

[lotus petals]

first off don't feel guilty about anything you have done. hitting him, checking his mail etc... it's total crazy-making when you are hooked in with kids and the guy does an about face. he made a committment to be with you and be a family and he he most likely got overwhelmed with the responsibility. lots of people have good intentions but don't have the substance to make it thru the ups and downs of a relationship. he's lucky you didn't kick him in the nutz. i have only snooped once in a relationship. i felt compelled to look in a box in his closet when he was asking me to move in and asking if the closet was big enough for the 2 of us. he and his last gf who was finishing up grad school far far away, were maintaining a rather steamy love affair via erotic mail. the letters were in chronological order, the latest being postmarked a couple of days old. that confirmed my uneasiness and feelings of insecurity with him. he told me it was all my issue when i previously wanted to talk about how i felt unsure about things before moving in. then just like in your case when i confronted him about the letters he said he was in love with me and it was just a habit to respond to her mail. haha! i suppose you had similar feelings. you have done nothing wrong.

i am so sorry you are devastated and i know your pain. it will take some time but you will get back on your feet. in the meantime don't talk with him or agree to see him. tell him to get a third party, perhaps one of his relatives to arrange his time with the kids and he is to have absolutely no contact with you whatsoever. if you stick to this you will be in the most powerful position you can take to help yourself out of devastation mode. there are 2 things that can affect a change in someone....adding or taking something away from them. you are taking yourself away. the no contact will drive him insane....too bad huh? he deserves it. give it a couple of months, he will probably come back and you may or may not want him then. good luck!

[amyt25]

Thank you for replying and your advice
Your right, other people too have said dont give him any contact, has text me a couple of times today to ask how the children are and I have replied (hours later I may add ) and just kept it basic. He then recently sent me a text again asking if the kids were ok but mentioning that life is empty to which I havent replied. So is he giving in already? I just have this gut feeling its definately over and its so hard to deal with. But Ive gotta be strong for the kids

[lotus petals]

life is empty? good lord.....he doesn't know what he wants does he? but most likely he wants his cake and eat it too. yikes! these situations are so hard to deal with without going berserk on the guy. best to respond to him with emails not tele or text. the sooner you move into no contact the better you wll feel because it is your idea not to talk to him. you are taking control of your life back into your hands, not the insanity he is dishing out.