She "needs a break"...but different

[donkeyy0]

I'm sure this sort of threat has been posted already, but I don't know if anybody has seen my exact situation.

I've been dating a girl for a little over two years, and since day one I've had people telling me it was a mistake and that she's a mental case. I completely agreed with them on the mental case bit, but I couldn't (still can't) help myself, I was completely head over heels for her.

So we've been through a lot, after not getting into the university she wanted, she had a pretty serious battle with depression where she pretty much isolated herself from everybody except for me. I was literally the only person she could talk to for about a year of our relationship. I wanted to help her get happy again, and she wanted me to help her through it. She said she loved me every day and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Now...I'm only 20 years old, so the "rest of my life" is a really really long time. So long in fact that I never made those same kind of statements to her. She never pushed me, but it was something I always felt I WANTED to say, but I couldn't bring myself to.

Since she's "gotten over" this bout of depression, she seemed to "get better" at least socially, she'd contact her friends without my insistence, and made a few friends at work that she'd go out with. Things were going great. The problem is, she's a very passive woman, and as such...I felt like I had to do a lot of the "heavy lifting" in this relationship.

The problems started a few months ago, I felt like the relationship was getting "stale", the intimacy was no longer there, and sexually the relationship was clearly lacking (I'm not sure how far into this I can go...I'm a new member and I'm not entirely sure what's allowed in those terms). At the same time, it became pretty obvious that one of her coworkers were interested. She maintained that she's not interested, and I had even seen her turn him down a couple times...but it was something that bothered me quite a bit (if only because she'd see him every time they worked together...and he was shameless).

So I talked to her about it. I told her it felt stale, I wanted "more" out of the relationship both emotionally and physically. We spoke, she agreed...and that was it. We went on for a couple months, and I made a conscious effort to stop the "heavy lifting". I wanted her to make the moves now. I wanted her to pursue me sexually and whatnot. But it never really happened. She started talking to her friends (I know this now...not at the time) that she thought I wasn't into her anymore...and things escalated.

So when I realized that this was going on...I didn't want to lose her. So I went to her, after months of barely any romance, and I told her I loved her and that I wanted to be with her forever. Her response to me was "I need time by myself to figure things out".

Now it's been a couple weeks...and we still talk. And I went to her and said "I'm willing to wait for you to figure things out, but I need to know if that was just a line. Should I be moving on with my life right now?" I really want to be with her, but I don't want to be stuck while she's already moved on. She told me that this is really just time to "figure stuff out", and that she honestly thinks there's a good chance she comes back. But if that's the case...if she knows she's just gonna "come back", then why take this break at all? Are we broken up and I just don't realize it? There is no other guy, I know that for sure...but how long am I supposed to wait? Should I wait at all?

Haha, I didn't eat or sleep for 6 or 7 days after it happened. I assumed it was just a "line", and that I had lost her. But this latest phone call makes it seem like I still have hope. How can I help her decision along?

Sorry about the length...If any more information is needed feel free to ask.

[Teddy057]

You're too fu*king young to be talking about marriage already. You're 20, you should be dating around and experiencing all the different personalities out there. I'm 20 also, I dated a chick for a year and some odd weeks, and I was SURE I wanted to be with her the rest of my life, too. I'm glad the relationship ended, because being in a serious relationship at this age really restricts emotional growth.

You shouldn't be waiting around, staring at your phone to ring waiting on a response. If she has half a brain, she's out there experimenting with different men. What you need to do, is go out there, schedule a couple dates, and take it from there.

By the way, if the emotion has faded from sex and what not already, why are you wanting to marry this woman? Do you think a ring on her finger will suddenly make her a sex machine? Seriously dude, reason this shit out.

[donkeyy0]

The sex wasn't bad. It was just infrequent. And it was my own decision for that. I felt like I was "trying to hard", so I decided I'd let her make the move. When it never came, I panicked.

Sex isn't an issue for me. It was just a byproduct of the problems we were going through.

Before this girl, I jumped into a new set of panties week to week. I'm aware I'm young, and I'm aware it sounds ridiculous, but I've had 9 sexual "partners", and with her was the only time that it actually mattered to me. Maybe because she held out? She had very very serious self image issues during that first year, and I was lucky to get past the "holding hands" stage (obvious hyperbole, but you get the point).

I'm not waiting for a response from her. She hasn't "cut me out" like other posters here have dealt with. She still talks to me on a pretty frequent basis. I mean...it nearly almost ends up being about "this", but it's not like we don't speak to each other. I'm not waiting for "her call", but I want to know what decision she's actually trying to make.

I made a joke about "my odds" being a 50:50 shot, and she said something like "I think they're much better than that". She said that while she can't ask me to wait on her, she really wants me to. It's like every freaking message she gives me has "I still love you" undertones...BUT...she needs to figure things out? :S

I'm a musician, I front a band...I could have my pick of a dozen girls on any given Friday/Saturday. I'm not scared I'm going to be "alone", but I've honestly never felt a connection with someone like I did with her. She's not dating other guys, she's not looking for other guys, she's not looking to "do better", she hasn't stopped being attracted to me, she still "cares" about me, she's just not sure she wants to "be" with me. While I'm aware it's a stupid social networking site, she continues to "poke" me on Facebook. Post-"breakup" we went to a yoga class (something that I had joined to try and get my mind off the breakup...but she found out and wanted to come with me...), and because I was in my sweats there wasn't much left to the imagination. She literally stared at my crotch for 5 minutes as I drove her home before REACHING OUT. AT the last second she goes "no, that would send you mixed messages" and we didn't speak for the rest of the drive. This was like 7 days after our "break up". Explain to me...what woman does that?

Since our last "talk", where she told me without a shadow of a doubt, that she wanted me to wait for her...and that she felt like there was a good chance that she'd figure things out in my "favour"...it's been two days of basically no-contact. That's the longest it's been during the breakup. That's the longest it's been in probably about 5 years (we were very good friends in high school, she had a crush on me but I didn't reciprocate).

[Teddy057]

I didn't necessarily mean sexual partners, I meant dating partners.. It takes more than a 1 night stand to get to know someone.

She's playing games with you man, going to yoga class with you, non-stop texting and calling while you two are supposed to be broken up. You do realize you're letting her toy with you right? You're gonna have to step up and kindly tell her this is what she wanted, and to leave you alone until she makes her "decision" Which in my opinion, is total bullshit. You either want to be with someone, or you don't. There really isn't anything else to it. She's keeping you on the back burner until she knows for sure if this next guy works out or not. Trust me, there is another guy she's experimenting with. It's not like she's sitting at home in a corner wondering about you.

You can get dozens of girls? Well, by all means start doing it asap. You are single, and you have no ties to this girl anymore. She owes you nothing, and you owe her nothing. Do you understand?

[donkeyy0]

I guess you're right. I'm gonna tell her that she needs to be by herself till this "decision" is made. I disagree about the other guy, when I talked to her she told me that there is noone else, and that there will be noone else until this is resolved one way or the other. Obviously she could be lying to me...but from talking to her friends, it really seems like there's nobody else. Either way the games need to stop though. I guess I'm going to have to tell her that.

[Teddy057]

Yeah man, you're gonna have to put the big boy pants on and tell her what's up. Don't let her walk all over you and your emotions just because you're in love with her. It's gonna be hard, but it will definitely produce the best outcome.

[donkeyy0]

So I called her this morning, talked to her for a bit about if there's other people in the picture (to which she responded no). I asked her why she didn't just break it off completely when we had our "talk", and she said it's because she's honestly confused...and she thinks that in the end she's going to want to be with me (which is infuriating because if she thinks that...then wtf is she thinking right now that's keeping her from me?).

I told he that I think the only way for her to come up with a real "decision" is to spend some time completely away from me. So as of now...we're doing the "no contact" thing for a week or two. It's impossibly difficult, and she was not very happy with that decision...and stated as much, but she also said that everything going on right now is for "her", so it makes sense that I'd want to do something for "me". So we've agreed on the no contact thing...she's going to really try to understand what exactly her problems are, and I'm going to decide if what my heart says is right, or what everybody around me says is right (as I'm yet to talk to somebody who says that it's worth it to try and keep her. Basically everybody I've spoken to says I'm too good for her...and she doesn't deserve to make a decision like this).

In two weeks I'll have my summer uni classes done (which I honestly needed to get this off my mind if I was going to do half decent in my classes), and I'll be able to focus more clearly...I just hope that telling her that I wanted time completely separate isn't going to push her away. As much as I think it's stupid for me to even want to get back with her...I really do...

[Teddy057]

Well, what she's doing is pretty dumb. But, I think any human being "deserves" to make a decision like that. I'm really glad you called her and said that, trust me, it's the only way for this to pass. By pass, I mean you two either move on, or reunite and have great make up sex.

The only problem with having no contact, is that it kinda numbs feelings towards the other person... Which could end up making you despise her for putting you through such emotional pain, and or make you see clearly through her bull shit. But, since you two are only not talking for a week or two, I doubt that will happen. On the bright side, this will definitely get you an answer out of her. My guess is that she breaks no contact first, don't you be the one to come to her aide. Simply tell her, "I can't be there for you right now because you wanted to break up" Or something along those lines. Trust me, stay strong with this no contact. It will all work out, just take it a day at a time, and try and stay as busy as possible during this no contact. Focus on those upcoming exams!

[donkeyy0]

Seriously...that's what I wanted to hear. Thanks a lot...I wasn't sure that it was the right decision, but you're right. We both need to move forward, whether moving forward together or moving on...things couldn't stay the same.

I'm just scared of this "indifference" thing I keep hearing about. Obviously if in two weeks she's already stopped having strong feelings one way or the other about me then it wasn't mean to be but...if she takes the time off and realizes she doesn't really care anymore...that'll crush me.

[Teddy057]

Well, take it as it comes. Don't look too far in to the future, and who knows what her choice will be.. Try and realize how ridiculous this whole thing is, she either wants you or not.. Simple as that. If I were you I'd move on, breaks very rarely work. She's putting you through a lot of stress, and I would lose a ton of respect for her if I was you.

[donkeyy0]

Let's say hypothetically I was just looking to get her back. No "learning" no "self searching"...none of that. Just want her to come back to me. Would I be going about things differently? Because right now I feel like I'm taking quite a risk (in terms of getting here back) in this "leave her to her own devices" deal. Let's say I just want her to be like "Oh donkeyy0! *strips for me*", should I be going about things differently? I'm aware that this kind of talking probably shouldn't in the "broken hearts" threads, but I mean...my biggest problem with the relationship was a lack of passion/lust more so than anything else. Would I be able to like...rekindle that passion after this two week deal? If I could get her feeling passionate again then I think I could turn this around...like I already said higher up about the "coming home from yoga" thing. She almost gave in to "temptation" after only like a week of being broken up...how do I take advantage of that (not take advantage of her...just make her give in next time rather than at the last second hold back)?

[omgamandaa]

My boyfriend and I both suffer from depression every once and a while. It's hard to see the other suffering through it and also to realize that whatever hurtful things the other says or does, they don't actually mean it. I think the sex problem stems from the depression. When I am depressed, I don't want to have sex and actually it's hard to get in the mood even when i'm not depressed because of medication (BC & antidepressants). So that's something that can be worked on in time.

I have to say that I do not agree with the people who said 20 is too young to know you want to marry someone. I am not engaged to my boyfriend, but we are turning 20 this year and we without a doubt will be marrying each other when we are older. We already live together after dating for a year.

If you still want to be with this girl, you shouldn't give up. Give her space. You can talk to her a day to day, but not excessively. Also, I don't think there is anything with the other guy. It probably is her depression. It doesn't go away easily, so she may still be battling it and it may make her think that her relationship lacks something when it really doesn't. SHE HER YOU LOVE HER more than anything in the world, and if she can't believe it, then you should move on.

[omgamandaa]

Let's say hypothetically I was just looking to get her back. No "learning" no "self searching"...none of that. Just want her to come back to me. Would I be going about things differently? Because right now I feel like I'm taking quite a risk (in terms of getting here back) in this "leave her to her own devices" deal. Let's say I just want her to be like "Oh donkeyy0! *strips for me*", should I be going about things differently? I'm aware that this kind of talking probably shouldn't in the "broken hearts" threads, but I mean...my biggest problem with the relationship was a lack of passion/lust more so than anything else. Would I be able to like...rekindle that passion after this two week deal? If I could get her feeling passionate again then I think I could turn this around...like I already said higher up about the "coming home from yoga" thing. She almost gave in to "temptation" after only like a week of being broken up...how do I take advantage of that (not take advantage of her...just make her give in next time rather than at the last second hold back)?

Okay, I think you should ask her what makes her feel passionate about you and puts her in that mood, so then whenever you want to have sex you can try those things. My boyfriend is always in the mood and I am never in the mood. It's because of the medication I take. I love having sex, but then whenever he wants to have sex, I automatically think, "now?" I always feel like it's never the time that I want to have sex. So I have learned that I should always have sex anyway, cause I know once it gets going, then i'm definitely in the mood.

[donkeyy0]

I'm talking passion like romance and danger kind of stuff. Not even necessarily the act (as we both still live at home...so even when we were doing it and it was great...it was infrequent just because we didn't really have the opportunity), but just to get her to WANT me you know? Like...I think I'm a good looking guy...I've modeled a bit...mostly for my hair, but I'm pretty damn attractive (humility however is not my strong point). She's said that she still finds me very physically attractive...and even sexually attractive...but towards the end it just wasn't happening. Don't know why though...that's where the problem likely lies. I wasn't pushing for it, and she's never pushed for it...like ever. She also has some serious weight and image issues...she weighed in at like 180 at one point during our relationship, and when she was that big she wouldn't let me touch her. At that point I wanted to, but like...with her constantly telling me no, I guess I just stopped trying? I dunno...she's lost a good chunk of the weight since (she's not tiny now, but she's considerably thinner).

[donkeyy0]

Haha, so I wrote a song today about how much I miss her and this and that and how I love her still...the band thinks it's pretty good. But after practice I go home and write this...

"Dear formerly significant other,

For two years I was nothing if not a fantastic boyfriend, I listened to you, helped you through hard times, and above all loved you with every ounce of my being. You on the other hand, were a moody manipulative b!tch. Quite frankly I don't understand why I put up with you. You're a depressed, insecure, needy piece of work...and I really don't know what you ever did for me. You honestly don't, and never did deserve me. You deserve to be miserable your whole life as that seems to be what you strive for. I hope you're happy with the _______ (name of an ex boyfriend/womanizer who dumped her as soon as he could 'do better'), _______ (name of a friend of mine who is widely considered to be weird and awkward. No life, no girlfriend, ugly as sin. Had a massive crush on her a few years back), and ________ (name of a mutual friend who hit on her because he thought she might be easy, but then got bored because she didn't put out after 2 dates)'s of the world, because that's what you deserve...and that's what you'll get for the rest of your life.

You love to say that "the strong do what they have to do and the weak accept what they have to accept", well...I'm doing what I have to do. Time for you to accept it.

With love,
Your formerly significant lover"

...

And then I went and wrote another song about her. Literally over the span of 6 hours I went from "I love you I need you please take me back" to "I hate you. I'm better than this. Screw you" to "I love you times a million" again. I'm seriously driving myself insane.

I'm probably going to burn the letter I wrote though...