She "needs a break"...but different

[Teddy057]

Alright, writing letters is fine. Just don't fu**ing give them to her. You'll come off as desperate and soppy. All you want right now is the pain to stop, and I'm sure she's struggling at this very moment, too. Writing letters is a great way to vent, just make sure they never end up in her hands. It's also good that you're channeling your pain in to your music. For me, it was weight lifting and exercising ridiculous amounts every day. Which I still do. I dunno if you're in to working out, but I suggest doing at least cardio to relieve some stress and help you sleep at night. I know it sucks, it fu**ing sucks so bad, you think you're the only one that's gone/going through this... But, trust me, you're not alone dude. Another way of venting and reasoning I used was looking up quotes about life, love, and moving on. Thinkexist.com is a pretty good website for quotes, or you can just go to google and type in the quotes you wanna look at. It helps you know that people have gone through the same shit you have, and that you really will one day move on. Honestly, I think you should move on anyway, once a girl pulls a move like this, it can't go back to the way it was, and you're kinda setting yourself up for failure in the future.

Just try to come to terms with this NOT being the end of the world, sure this girl you love is being a complete moron right now, but you're still alive, and you're not dying anytime soon.

[donkeyy0]

Bumped into her at hot yoga tonight...she actually made a comment like "I was actually thinking that I might bump into you."

So we talked...I told her that I'm not going to be able to wait forever, and that at some point she's gotta actually make a decision. She said she still doesn't know...but that she's not sure whether she wants a "boyfriend" or a "friend". She told me that there were a bunch of times that she wanted to call me, but put the phone down...uhhh...she started to cry when I told her that three weeks ago she made the biggest mistake of her life, and that if/when I move on there's no coming back. I asked her again if she thought I should move on and she said "no" (which was pretty obvious...I just wanted to hear her say it).

So...she wants to call me, she hopes to bump into me, she doesn't want me moving on...but she doesn't know if she wants me as a boyfriend. Honestly. Eff this. I'm the friggin catch. I've got girls lined up. She's got friggin nothing. She shouldn't have this power over me. It's not fair. I've got people calling me to chill BECAUSE I'm not with her anymore. Because they don't like her. I've got girls calling, AND guys calling hahaha. I've got offers for casual sex and meaningful relationships. She's got friggin nothing. EXPLAIN HOW THAT'S FAIR.

[Teddy057]

Life's not fair, I thought everyone knew that. Obviously she's got you wrapped around her finger, or you would have moved on by now. If she's not sure if she wants a boyfriend or a friend, that simply means she's not sure if she wants commitment. No shit she doesn't want you to move on, she wants you on her back burner in case this master plan of hers fails.

Why the hell are you waiting for her to tell you what to do? "Should I move on?" Dude, grow a pair of balls and make your own decision. Either march over there and demand her to be in a relationship with you, or MOVE ON. You shouldn't even be wasting your time with this girl. Don't you realize how pathetic this whole thing is? You are sitting around waiting for some phone call that will never come. If she hasn't realized what she's missing by now, SHE'S NOT GONNA. Wake up. Go splash some cold water on your face, and perhaps check to see if you still have two testicles. If you do have two balls, which I'm hoping you do, take matters into your own hands. You control the path you take in life, not her.

Situations like this piss me off beyond belief, probably because it happened to me. Take it from me, be the first one to say "Fu*k it" It really isn't worth it in the long run. You'll look back on this and laugh, trust me.

[Kagerou]

If I was you i'd move on, I know some girls need to wait, heck my Fiancee had me waiting a week when she got scared. This long is too much, she's playing with your head. Remember that if you do move on she will no doubt come crawling back to you.

[donkeyy0]

Haha, a week is nothing...

The thing is...this makes perfect sense for her. She's never been comfortable in ANY way in terms of ANYTHING. While it's not diagnosed, I (and a lot of her friends/ex-friends) are convinced that she suffers from depression. She's never comfortable with her friends, she's never comfortable with her work, she's never comfortable with her family. At this point I can't be like "k, you need to get help", because obviously she's not ready to take what I say to heart anymore (although she used to).

About a month ago (when this break started) and I was really heart-broken, I went to her BEST friend who was talking about how she had been pushing her away and this and that. And since, it seems to me like the majority of her friends are having a hard time speaking to her at all.

Like seriously...this girl is a nutjob. I don't know what it is about her that had me attracted to her in the first place, and right now...I certainly don't know what's keeping me attracted to her. But something is...and it's infuriating.

On a somewhat related note...what's the difference between "Boyfriend" and "friend". Because to me a "boyfriend" means...your best friend who you can speak to about anything...plus sexual interactions. She's still sexually attracted to me (so says she)...so what's the problem? Lol I don't get it. I still feel like we can talk about anything. I mean I WANT to be her "best friend". I want to be her "first call". I don't get what the difference is. She says she felt like we were getting to "friend-y" towards the end, where we'd play video games together...or go to the mall, rather than like a romantic dinner. And while I get that line of thinking...neither of us were playing video games with anybody else. Like...the stuff we did was "friend-y" sure, but at the same time...if I wasn't romantically involved with her, I wouldn't have been doing that stuff with her either.

We got into a fight in like...April...and she's brought it up a number of times. We argued (because she thought that a friend of hers was going to be 'leaving' and that she shouldn't make an effort to keep her), and when it became apparent that she wasn't actually listening to me...I stopped speaking to her. So since then she's been giving me this "I used to feel like I could say anything to you...now I'm not sure" line for friggin 4 months.

I got hit on by a freaking 9/10 today. The girl was absolutely smoking...and from what I could gather...not a headcase. She gave me her number...but I doubt I ever make that call. I'm broken. I'm 5'11", I model, I sing, I play 4 instruments, I'm in the top 2% of human beings in terms of IQ (for those of you in Ontario I believe the term is "gifted", not sure what the term is in other places...maybe the same, but it basically means an IQ of 140+)...and I'm killing myself over an overweight, perpetually confused, manic depressive, WEAK woman, she couldn't hack it in Uni...she has trouble keeping any friends...and she was keeping me from making friends as a result!

Can someone please help me understand how SHE could POSSIBLY be the one doing the dumping? I've never been dumped in my life. I don't know how to deal with this.

She's never made a decision in her life. I really think eventually I'm going to have to make it for her. You know that quote I used up earlier "the strong do what they must do while the weak accept what the must accept"? She's the latter of the two. Has been her whole life. There's no reason for me to stay.

I'm moving on. I'm gonna make a call. Right now. Thank you so much (specifically Teddy), I needed a place to vent. I needed a place to put my thoughts and emotions down so I could see things from a different perspective. I needed somebody to smack me and tell me exactly how it is. I disagree that she's got some sort of "master plan", and I think she's actually "confused"...but I really don't think I deserve the crap she's put me through the last two years...and I certainly don't deserve this after everything I've had to deal with because of her.

[girl68]

Good to write it all out DON'T send it- there's no need. You'll be fine just having it all written out

[donkeyy0]

Good to write it all out DON'T send it- there's no need. You'll be fine just having it all written out

Thanks for the input lol, I'm just wondering...what is your thinking on this situation? I'm pretty much open to anything at this point, and while Teddy has been very helpful the past week or so...I kind of joined this forum in order to get a number of varied opinions.

[Kagerou]

Do tell us what she says when you talk to her about your moving on

[donkeyy0]

Haha, I definitely will let you all know. I'm gonna have to tell her to make any progress too. She has to know she can't keep me on a hook like this.

Also...just perusing through other threads and came across one called "Stupid Breaks"...all the advice in there was like "Give him some time and let him make his decision", or "You just have to take some time to evaluate things yourself as well". Why did my post (specifically the one in the "ask a female" threads) get responded to with "She wants to see what else is out there" and "she's using you". I hardly think that's fair...the situation was the same, 2 year relationship...where the final few months were rocky. The guy says he needs "time alone to figure things out" but also "he thinks he'll come back eventually".

Now...the thread has been locked (as it was over a year ago), and I have no idea how that ended up...but the advice from people in that thread seemed a lot more...positive than the threads I have posted. Makes me sad

[donkeyy0]

So I got a date for next week.

But like...what do I do...tell her? haha

Honestly...I'm not using this girl...besides she really likes me. Maybe things will work out...


Edit: Ughhhh...it was supposed to be a 5 minute conversation...telling her that I was going to start moving on. It turned into two hours...she started using our petnames again. I hate this. I friggin hate this. We didn't even talk about the relationship the whole time...we just talked...about everything. It was so natural, nothing was forced. Nothing is ever forced with her...I shouldn't have called her. This is your fault Kagerou! I blame you (jks btw...don't take it seriously )! Why'd she use our pet names...I miss her so much...I just want things to be back to the way they were. I want her to be my stupid depressed shmookie again.

God this is impossible...

[donkeyy0]

So she sent me a text yesterday that looked something like...

"Some days I wake up and I just want to be with you, and other days I want to just be your friend...but I've wanted you pretty badly for the last little while."

Today I saw her, and there was a kiss exchanged...she says she still feels strongly about me, but she wants to know it's not going to just "go away".

Tonight is my date.

[Teddy057]

lol, she's a joke at this point. I don't even know why you're still talking to her or putting up with this shit.

[donkeyy0]

So I went out with the girl. Probably won't call her back...but she was pretty cool. I've got another date this weekend, and I'm planning on going clubbing next weekend with a buddy of mine...first time I'll go to a club single, not exactly sure how to go about that

The problem is...the day after my first date, I hung out with my ex...and we ended up making out on her couch. She said she really wanted it...but I said it would change nothing (she agreed with me). Tomorrow we're going to the movies because she wants to see if we can make it like the "good times" or something. I'm still going to see other people (although she's made it abundantly clear that she's uncomfortable with it. I responded with...it was her own decision that started this, so I hardly think she gets any say), but I really want to fix things with her as well.

Before we ended up making out on her couch, we drove by the subdivision that my date lived, and I made a comment about the girl. She immediately started to bawl, saying that she didn't want to know how much better all the other girls in my life are. BUT SHE LEFT ME. STOP FREAKING CRYING. God it's frustrating. She kept me on the phone one night till 2 a.m. saying she just wanted to talk to me...and then at the end of it she's just blubbering like a fool.

And then the next day it was like everything that she felt the night before was gone. Andddd the next day...she wanted me again.

She's sick. Like with some girls you think "maybe they're playing you". I don't doubt for a second that her head is COMPLETELY screwed up. For her "I don't know what I want" makes perfect sense. When I say "I don't understand you", she can HONESTLY answer with "I don't understand myself". I'm 19 years old. She's supposed to be more mature than I am. I can't deal with this. But I WANT to.

I kind of want her to decide to come back to me so I can say no. I feel like I'm saying no no matter what. If she wants me...she'll have to fight for me. Or chase me. Or whatever. If she doesn't come back, it won't be the end of the world. I'm literally beating them back with a stick right now hahaha.

[Teddy057]

I really don't know why you're still hanging out with her and "making out on couches" . It does seem like she is very confused indeed, I feel bad for her. At this point, I really can't say I even somewhat know where her head is. Sounds like she's got some pretty major psychological issues going on.

If she can say she doesn't even understand herself, I think she's best left alone. She needs to figure it out on her own man, you can't help her. Just leave her to herself, let her work out those demons in her head on her own. Maybe suggest a counselor, it really sounds like she could use one.

As for you, I'm glad you're hanging out with other girls. There are plenty of fish in the sea, that's for sure. Just don't jump in to anything new to spite your ex, that's the biggest mistake people make.

[cmacattack1]

It's typical behavior for her to act like this: to not have to face the consequences of not having you in her life. She doesn't want to be alone, she doesn't want to have to sort out the things in her life, she is unsure of her decision and doesn't want to lose you in the process. You aren't every going to really give some other girl a chance if you are always seeing your ex, making out with her, and going to movies with her. No contact is not something you can just do for one week and voila, everything is solved. She hasn't solved anything and all of her actions thus far are in her own self interest. She hasn't changed one bit and even if you guys started dating again, she would go back to her sketchy behavior. If she wanted to be with you for good, by all means, she needs to come out and say that and then be ready to give 100 percent to your relationship. You know what you want: her. If she doesn't feel as strongly as you feel on that, no matter what you guys continue to do, it doesn't matter. You guys will fail in the end.

So she wants to try and make it like old times eh? The truth of the matter is NOW isn't the "old times". She hurt you, pissed you off and what you guys have now is a shell of what things used to be. I don't buy her desire to "try" one bit. I mean if she realized how much of a catch you are, she would be running back to you and begging to be with you again. Not that that kind of behavior is particularly attractive but some passion and some indication of her feelings for you should be present.

What she needs is time on her own to figure shit out. Like Teddy said, she wanted this. So this is her time to figure things out. She isn't figuring things out when she can just run to you at the end of the day. She is just staving off her loneliness and inability to be on her own another day. What you are doing is actually hurting her growth, believe it or not. She is going to have to learn things the hard way. I had to learn the hard way and get dumped on my ass by my last girlfriend but I promise you the fact that she resisted all my attempts to get back together was really the best thing that happened to me. I finally got it and finally wanted to make myself a better person and improve myself when I realized I couldn't be with her again. It makes me not want to squander my next opportunity that comes along. And trust me, my experience won't allow me to.

You can't help how you feel, but logically you know better than this. The relationship is broken and her half assed attempts to patch it up are empty promises. I'm not saying that being with tons of other girls will make you feel better, but now is not the time for dating her. Maybe in the future when she has matured and grown up a bit, if she does at all that is. She is not the only girl that you could possibly spend your life with and it's not easy finding somebody new that you want to give a shot, but you will. And you will be able to better make a decision about who to let in because of your life experience.

It sucks not being with her, but it will be okay. Everything will be alright. You will get fed up with her hot and cold eventually, so just go no contact now and stick to it. Tell her you need space now and if she can't respect that, it's just going to piss you off more and show how much she only cares about what SHE needs.