He got really drunk & said he'd been having doubts... :-(

[jessZ]

So my bf and I have had a tough couple of weeks.

I have suffered from depression on and off over the years. I was doing really well, but have relapsed in the past month and it has been very tough. It has also put a strain on my relationship - I've been very emotional and overreacting to some of his comments, comments I'd normally be fine with. We had three weekends of big arguments that ended in me being really upset, and him feeling frustrated, misunderstood, exhausted. At the same time, he has been trying to support me through the depression.

He has had quite a lot of stress lately, also. He got the flu, moved house, and flooded the new apartment, damaging the new carpet.

We're both extremely busy people and it is always a challenge to find time together, but we do.

Anyway, he went to a work function the other night, got incredibly drunk, called me at 1am and left a message. He was crying. He told me he was worried about us. Said he'd been having doubts, but had been internalising them because he didn't want to upset me further. He said he wanted to be honest, wanted to 'fix things' and 'make it better'.

It took everything within me not to freak out when I received this. I wanted to show him that I respected his honesty and could deal with this calmly. He texted me first thing the next morning with "Oh shi.t I left a crazy drunk message on your phone, please don't freak out, i'll call you in an hour"

When we spoke, he apologised and said he'd been feeling down about the arguments. He said that it lead him to doubt the relationship somewhat, and he felt that he wasn't being heard. He started to resent the fact that, when we argue, I often get upset and cry, so he comforts me, but doesn't get to express his own feelings. But he said that he wants to work on it, and we discussed ways we can deal with conflict better. I also promised that I'd get some help with my depression.

In the meantime, he has been doing some reading about depression to understand how it might be impacting on my judgment, and how he can support me through it without ignoring his own need. He said he loves me and isn't going anywhere, but wanted to be completely honest with me about his feelings.

I feel like I've done a bit of damage to this relationship, which saddens me greatly, because I know a lot of it is down to my depression. I'm still quite nervous and upset by the fact that he's been having doubts, but I don't want to raise this again.

I feel insecure about everything at the moment, but I really don't want to ask him for reassurance - it will just push him away. My question is - where do I go from here? Do I give him some space??

[Mish]

Be supportive and understanding. Ask him about which areas he would like to see you improve and work hard to improve.

And hope for the best.

[QueenofCorona]

I think you both need to be completely honest with eachother, try to meet eachother half way on what you want and need from eachother. Every relationship has its points where things can become strained, especially under the stress you both have been put under. It seems like he really does love you if he's trying to understand your depression, that says something.

[jessZ]

I think you both need to be completely honest with eachother, try to meet eachother half way on what you want and need from eachother. Every relationship has its points where things can become strained, especially under the stress you both have been put under. It seems like he really does love you if he's trying to understand your depression, that says something.

Thank you. I told him yesterday that I am sorry that he felt like he wasn't being heard. He said that when we argue,he realises that his response is often argumentative and angry, but that this is borne of feeling upset, and it passes quickly. He said he just feels the need to express himself and can then move on quickly, whereas I take longer and get emotional and start to question things more broadly, going beyond the issue at hand. He wants to know that he is 'allowed' to feel annoyed sometimes.

We decided that, when we feel like an argument gets out of hand, we're going to stop and give each other some space and quiet time to think, and to try to see things from the perspective of the other, then try to come back and talk to each other more calmly.

[nerdy_guy]

This is you looking for an assurance

I feel insecure about everything at the moment, but I really don't want to ask him for reassurance - it will just push him away. My question is - where do I go from here? Do I give him some space??

This is him giving assurance

He said he wanted to be honest, wanted to 'fix things' and 'make it better'.

This is him showing that he really cares a lot

"Oh shi.t I left a crazy drunk message on your phone, please don't freak out, i'll call you in an hour"

In the meantime, he has been doing some reading about depression to understand how it might be impacting on my judgment, and how he can support me through it without ignoring his own need. He said he loves me and isn't going anywhere, but wanted to be completely honest with me about his feelings.

This is the both of you showing that everything will be fine as long as you give effort:

But he said that he wants to work on it, and we discussed ways we can deal with conflict better. I also promised that I'd get some help with my depression.

The answers to your problem is right within your posts. you just need to realize that your boyfriend is supporting you to the best of his abilities. You should be grateful and not freak out. If you keep freaking out, it'll be a lot harder for him to love and support you

[jessZ]

Thanks so much everybody, and thanks for being open-minded and non-judgmental about my depression. Sometimes people hold prejudices, so it's refreshing to get such kind, thoughtful advice :-)

[Gigabitch]

The fact that when he was drunk he was moved to call you and speak from the heart instead of giving you some angry rant or making out with someone else is a very good sign. You guys have work to do, but it sounds like you're both willing and capable of doing it.