So this could be a really long story but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. A little background, I'm a 17 year old male, just graduated high school, has been in a relationship for 9 months with my first ever girlfriend. Right now I am extremely confused about my feelings.
So I never ever really got girls up until this one girl really liked me. It was exciting cause I never had someone really like me before, especially a pretty girl that I've always dreamt about. So after being in a relationship for about 4 months I broke up with her because I thought I could get other girls (confidence was soaring). A week later, at this dance, I failed miserably and my confidence was shot, until she showed up at the dance and we hooked up again. From then on I adored her and started to legitimately feel love for her. We had a great 5 months later, besides the fact that I lost about all my friends because I made this girl my life (although I never really enjoyed my life with those friends) so I was glad she took me away from them in a way. Everyday I'd see her, and she'd constantly be on my mind. Now during the summer she went away for the weekend and I ended up cheating on her (just making out) and thought I could keep it from her, but I broke down the next day at work and had to call her.
She was extremely upset and hurt, but forgave me immediately. Before this I NEVER EVER wanted to hurt her or lose her and always talked about the future with her. After a week of the cheating I felt like things were sort of awkward, that she didn't feel the same way about me. However, that was untrue, and I slipped into a depression for about 2 weeks and thought she didn't love me anymore even though she forgave me. Now (about a month after the cheating), my entire perception of her has changed. I feel as if our relationship is never going to be the same again, as I feel unattracted to her physically and emotionally. There is absolutely no reason for this and it is almost like a 360 I just turned. My memories I have with her seem tainted, as I am disgusted anytime I think about her and any great memories we ever had just seem like there's a black cloud over them. I haven't felt like myself for this past month and it frustrates me everytime I look at her because I feel nothing. This girl has almost every quality I would ever want in a future mate (beautiful, loyal, extremely honest, really easy to talk to, and most of all, can make me laugh instantly).
However, I can't see her as beautiful or funny right now and it makes me depressed because it isn't fair to her; she is legitmately beatufiul and always makes me laugh even when I don't want to. She's done nothing but good for me and I don't understand how my feelings immediately changed for the worse. I told her we needed a break and I missed her (or maybe even the thought of a girlfriend or someone close to talk to) and it only lasted a day - I had to see her. My days are fine when I'm without her but I still feel an emptiness. I'm seeing a therapist right now and he says I have anxiety, and that my girlfriend is my foundation so I don't want to lose her. Last night we went to the movies and I really did feel good about everything, but as soon as I leave her I start questioning everything. It feels as if I'm trying my hardest subconsciously to get rid of her and never look back because it is so frustrating to stay. But I KNOW that our relationship was great before (the only times we would fight is when I'd see her having a conversation with another guy or something cause I am insanely insecure; now, I could careless if she flirts with another guy or something).
She says she isn't going anywhere and wants to be with me forever, but sometimes I just want to push her away. I look at other girls now and feel as if they are so much prettier than my girlfriend (when I seriously know it's not true, I've always been physically into this relationship), and all I want to do is have sex with all these other girls, because I feel like I can't feel love for them or anyone really. I'm afraid because in 2 weeks we are going off to different colleges and I feel so unconnected from my girlfriend, the distance is just going to make things worse (or so I feel like). She deserves better and refuses to break up because she says she KNOWS that deep inside of me there is the real me; that we had an amazing relationship before the cheating occurred and my mind took a turn for the worse (I don't know what happened, but something clicked). I believe this also but I just lose hope some days. Is there anyone out there that has any advice for me? She's my first for a LOT of things (sex, love, girlfriend) and could it be that I just don't want to let that go? Has anyone felt repulsed by someone they knew they loved but didn't know why? It doesn't make sense, things are fine when I'm with her and when I talk to her, but being without her makes me feel so distant and as if our relationship won't get back to the level it was about a month ago. I'm fighting as hard as I can because she's been so amazing to me and I know that I've loved her unconditionally for about the past 5 months. I wake up every morning depressed and feel doomed, but it gets better as the day goes on. Thank you for ANY responses ahead of time, it was a long read I apologize.