Found her, but can't have her.

[elutz22]

So here's my situation. Let me start from the beginning. I met Julia the summer before college, and we dated for the majority of my freshman year. Unfortunately, at the same time I started dating her, I began to go through a bit of a depression. At the time, I blamed her for it. It's hard to explain why you do some things when you're depressed, but if anyone has ever felt depression, you know what I'm talking about when I say that your mind thinks up crazy solutions to your problems.

So during the time we dated we had a great time. We never fought, and when things were good, they were amazing. As I said, I was dealing with this depression throughout the process, so things got a little rocky every now and then. By that I mean I tried breaking up with her a couple times, but every time I did I felt so terrible and the only way to be happy again was to have her back. Finally when the depression got so bad, I broke up with her one last time and it was a bad break-up. She was devastated and I made it a point not to talk to her to make it easier on her to accept. This girl was in love with me, I kid you not. We talked about it a few weeks ago and she said she still would have taken me back months after the breakup.

Lo and behold, she was not the problem. After a few months I started to realize that the depression did not go away. It obviously wasn't her that was causing the problem. I know I didn't date her for that long, but I can tell you now, 2 years later, that I am still madly in love with her. I've spent the whole time we've been apart trying to find a girl who could fill the shoes that Julia did when we dated. She was the perfect girlfriend, and I screwed it up. We started talking about 6 months ago, just chatting here and there, and I found out she got another boyfriend. She's been with him for 6 months now. Let me tell you a little about this guy... He's in rehab right now for alcohol. She broke up with him a few weeks before he left because she caught him doing a line on Cocaine. She took him back, however, after he apologized to her and said he had never done it before and was going to go to rehab to fix things. This was about 3 months ago. She found out about 2-3 weeks ago that a few days before his graduation, his roommate was caught with pills in his room, and her boyfriend admitting to taking them. On top of that, the next week she found out from her friend that right before he left for rehab he went to the friends house jacked up on Cocaine with his friend and another girl (a girl Julia forbade him from seeing because they had sex in the past and she is a bit of a skank). He admitted to doing all of this when she talked to him on the phone.

Here's where the story gets tricky. We hung out for the first time about 3 weeks ago, and ever since then we've been inseparable. It isn't until now that I went home after being at school with her for the summer that I haven't been able to see her. At the beginning when we hung out, we had a long talk and we both spoke about how neither of us hated the other from the past events. She still hasn't forgiven me, but I told her my reasoning to why I acted the way I did when we dated. About 2-3 nights after seeing her for the first time, we were sleeping in the same bed together. She surprised me by kissing my in such a fervor, like she couldn't contain herself. We kissed for a good while that night before going to sleep. The next few days were spent like we never broke up. We acted like a boyfriend and girlfriend, and we even had sex. Neither of us feel good about it, of course, but it just felt so right at the time. Eventually I had to call her out on how we were acting. I couldn't do that behind her boyfriend's back, no matter how messed up he seems. I told her that I'm in love with her and I want to spend my life with her. She returned the feelings, but said she couldn't simply drop what she had. She has 2 dogs that she got with him, and she's in good relations with his family. So I get to be the friend while I sit back and be patient. I'm still doing things for her to show her how I feel. Her birthday was last weekend, so I got her a present and wrote her a card telling her that I wasn't going anywhere and that'd I'd always be there for her, and that I would wait for her. Before I left to go home (6 hour drive away) I drew her a rose and wrote on it, "Heard you like getting flowers..." (she mentioned to me that she wishes people gave her flowers more.

That's about the end of the story for now. One thing to note is that the night before I gave her the flower drawing, she got in a fight with her boyfriend (I didn't draw her the flower for that reason, I just did it to show her I cared about her). I went over to talk to her about it at around midnight, and ended up lying with her for a little while until she fell asleep. I stayed with her about an hour or two and lightly caressed her like I used to to get her to fall asleep. Well, in the morning, she sees the flower I left on the table and she is so happy about it. Now comes the worst timing in the world. Her boyfriend, to make up for the fight (he wanted her to send him "pictures" and have phone sex, and she said no) he called a flower service to deliver her a bouquet and to write on a card, "Sorry for the fight". She tells me about it later in the day. That hurt pretty bad... I don't think she realized it, but it seemed like she was saying, "He definitely just one-upped you". I'm NOT in any way saying this is a competition; I told her that. I simply want to show her I still care, and I want to make up for what I did in the past.

So that's the story, and that's the point I am at now. What I'd like to know is... what the hell can I do? I'm madly in love with this girl, and I know she still loves me, but she won't see through this guy's bullshit. She gets in fights with him, and he gets insanely jealous. He's not right for her and it kills me. All I feel like I can do now is be patient and wait for her to realize he's not the right one. It just scares me to think... what if she never realizes it? What if she marries this guy? I don't know if I'm being dramatic about that, but it's so hard to not think about these things when you're in love. It's so hard to hang out with her when I know I can't act the way I want to with her. I want to hold her, I want to kiss her, but I can't. I can only be near her and be her friend. She's also told me that it's hard to hang out with me and not have it be at all sexual. I don't know how strongly she's feeling the emotions I'm feeling, but I know for a fact that she's feeling them nonetheless. Thanks for all the advice if you take the time to read this .

I've read peoples' posts, and I understand that I was being a bit of a jerk in this whole thing. It was hard not to be because of how I felt about her. I realize I need to be a bit more mature about this, so I've decided that I'm going to back way off and just let things roll out the way they will. I'll be there for her, but nothing more. Besides, I feel like I've established my feeling well enough by now, haha. I appreciate the criticism, it was well needed.

[elutz22]

Sorry to write a book, folks, but if you could take the time to read it and help me I'd be much appreciated!

[Kori Jung]

i can't see why it's hard for her to break up with tht guy.....just becoz of the dogs and the good relationship with his family???
well, just take the dogs and leave! she doesn't leave that guy...simply becoz she still loves him. thats what i think.
it seems to me that she is playing with ur feelings, or she doesn't really know wht she wants.
but i guess it's no good for u to push her to make any decision....
just let her know tht u love her a lot...and if u know her frds...talk to them and see if there's anything they can help u with...(like talking to her)
dun tell her how bad tht guy is...coz tht only makes u look like a super jealous man....

[elutz22]

Understood, I try not to bash him too much. It's just hard to sit by and watch her forgive him for his shit. I've decided that I made my point clear enough how I feel, so now I'm just going to sit back and let whatever happens happen.

[girl68]

You pretned like you want to be the good guy but you're sooo not being the good guy. You're stealing her away painfully and slowly and deliberately. You've already been the one she cheats with and now you're getting her emotionally involved with her knowing full well she won't dump him for you yet you let this continue and you think you're taking the high road here? Think again buddy. Grow some balls. Tell once and for all you're all hers but she needs to be all yours until then butt the F out.

[kitkitkitty]

ok, you need to do a few things. 1. let her make her own mistakes. granted, with a situation like this it'll properly take longer but you need to let her make a decision for HER not for the 2 of you. 2. it may seem hard but i think you need to back off slightly. like you say you don't want to do things behind her bf's back, because it's painting both you and her in a negative light. be mature and step back, but be there for her. she also needs to do her bit. atm, she's stringing both of you along in one way or another. she has emotional attatchments to this guy, maybe not in a 'together forever' way but the bond's still there. if you truely think that you love her then be the one that she leans on- not by slagging her bf off but by listening and asking what she feels she should do. also, does she talk to friends about this? she's slap bang in the middle of all of this so it's helpful to get an outsider's view and it's often pretty damn influencial either way.