Need a man's point of view on what may have happened!

[stillhurting]

I've posted this elsewhere too, but they didn't have a place to get a guy's insight...so here it is!!
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I am having such a hard time getting over my ex, I think about him everyday, all day. I've read everything out there about what to do, keep busy, be social, etc. etc.... but I can't quit re-living all my woulda, shoulda, coulda's.....and I can't quit regretting all the contact I made after the breakup. It's almost been two full months, the longest I went without making contact was three weeks, my last email to him was 6 days ago. All in all I've sent 9.....with no response (and throw in some texts when I had been drinking as well )

We were only together for 3 months. He had been chasing me for 6 years, got me, said he loved me after only a month, introduced me to his 4 year old after a month or so, didn't want to loose me, wanted to have me "forever", was always trying to get me to commit to going to Vegas or something for the weekend (but I rarely have a full weekend w/o my son), talked about the future, everyday he said that he loved me, wanted me, needed me, missed me so much it hurt, "what have I done to him?", etc etc....then we had one big fight (not infidelity or anything), and everything changed...he wasn't all lovey dovey anymore, he didn't look at me the same way (before, he would look at me/stare at me with this smile on his face when I wasn't even looking, like he just felt so happy/lucky or something)....anyway, after that issue, we saw each other less, he text me less, he didn't say he loved me or missed me, when it was a multiple times a day, every day thing before.....it's like one fight was a deal breaker. The last time we actually went out and did something together after the fight, he got pretty drunk and was mentioning that he was bitter and had issues (in hindsight, I guess he was trying to warn me)....We broke up soon after that night. A few days before the breakup he was "confused", saying he didn't know the status of the divorce I was going through, he hadn't met my son yet (duh..too early, and my son is older than his), didn't get to see me whenever he wanted to, etc....then when it came down to the actual day of the breakup, we had plans to talk in person, instead I get the dreaded breakup text....says "I can't do this anymore and feel that I'm not giving you what you need. I will leave it up to you if you want to be friends" (which in my opinion, didn't 'jive" with his "confusion" a few days before)....needless to say, I was hurt/devastated/pissed...I ended up driving to his house and confronting him, which did not go over well...at all...but he did say that he never said he didn't love me, he's doing this so I can move on, because he just doesn't think it's going to work in the future.

I just don't get it (it's like Jekyl and Hyde) and I stew about it all the time, I've never really got a clear understanding of the true reasons he had and I regret all that I did afterwards when I was devasted, that has I'm sure left the impression that I am extremely needy and maybe a little crazy....but I was so blindsided. Two months later and I still want to cry at times, and constantly have an empty feeling in my gut. I miss him terribly.

I don't know what I'm looking for here on this forum....I've gotten all the "getting over them tips" out there....what I really need is a psychic or a mind-reader (LOL) to tell me what the hell happened here!! As far as I know, there is still nobody new in his life...so that doesn't seem to be the issue. UGH....I just want to stop hurting, stop thinking about him, stop missing him....PERIOD. I wish we would have never happend.

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So guys....what I'm looking for is your opinion of what happened here! Much appreciated, as it's driving me nuts and I know I won't be getting any "closer" from him.

[hello1]

He does not sound mature enough to be in a relationship. Maybe he thought he was in love with you and had this fairy tale relationship in his head BUT when you two argued, faults become apparent and he gets turned off. He is never going to find that perfect woman so pity him.

[stillhurting]

Unfortunately that's kind of what I was thinking. He is 36, so am I and his longest relationship has only been a year....the rest about as long as ours. I have a feeling most ended just like ours did, once things weren't "perfect" anymore...no working through things with him I guess. In certain moods I try to consider myself lucky, that it's for the best..sure doesn't make it hurt less sometimes.

[nerdy_guy]

then we had one big fight (not infidelity or anything), and everything changed...

It has to be something FOR HIM, otherwise, it won't be life-changing. Its all about tolerance levels. for all you know, watching you squash an ant makes him queasy. Since it is the turning point of his actions/attitude, it matters a lot.

A few days before the breakup he was "confused", saying he didn't know the status of the divorce I was going through, he hadn't met my son yet (duh..too early, and my son is older than his), didn't get to see me whenever he wanted to, etc

1. Does he know the status of your divorce?
2.too early to see your son? So what if you're son is older than his? 500 yrs later, your son will still be older than his. It's completely irrelevant. How would letting him see your son now and letting him see your son 10 yrs. from now make a difference? Not unless he's a pervert, that's another story.
3. Are you available enough for him? Again, this is his tolerance level we're talking about here.

[jessZ]

What was the fight about??

[stillhurting]

1. Does he know the status of your divorce?
2.too early to see your son? So what if you're son is older than his? 500 yrs later, your son will still be older than his. It's completely irrelevant. How would letting him see your son now and letting him see your son 10 yrs. from now make a difference? Not unless he's a pervert, that's another story.
3. Are you available enough for him? Again, this is his tolerance level we're talking about here.

1. No, he hadn't asked specifically where we were at in the process....just knew it was happening
2. Too early to see my son because he is older, has been through a lot and is going through a lot with the divorce, I don't think he would be ready to meet the new guy. The difference between my son and his, besides the age, is that he's never been with the kids mom...she got pregnant right before they had broken up.
3. He knew how often we would be able to see each other, said he would take whatever time he could get, he just wanted to be with me and we could take our time, whatever needed to happen...he just didn't want to loose me....that obviously changed, or he just used it as an excuse.

What was the fight about??

It's kind of a long story, but to try and make it short....I would hear from him all day everyday, then one day we had texts our goodmornings (he did get a little bent out of shape because my goodmorning didn't seem "very chipper" that morning...ok??), he went to work and I didn't hear from him all weekend. I was honestly very worried that something had happened to him or his son...SOMETHING! Anyway, come Monday morning still nothing...then I find out from a friend, he's fine and at work....I had text, emailed, Facebooked him to see if he was okay all that time and no response. So, I emailed him at work and asked what was going on, told him I had been worried and had tried to get a hold of him.....he said simply "I will let you know when I have time". That just made me think the worst, immediately, what the heck does that mean??...I know he's not me, but if it were me, I would have said something along the lines of "Sorry baby, I will get back to you soon and let you know, it's been a bad weekend!".....because as it turned out, he was having issues with his son and sons mother because of me and his phone (alledegly had broke)....but in my opinion, that's all well and good, but come Monday when he gets my worried emails and such, a nicer email with a tad more explanation would have saved me a lot of emotional stress and taken mere seconds to do. It really upset me and it really upset him that I was upset about it.

[stillhurting]

Does it ever work to just say "Look I still love you, I don't need you, I just want you"....if by chance he really does love me, would that be needy?would that push him away more?

[nerdy_guy]

He said simply "I will let you know when I have time".

I know he's not me, but if it were me, I would have said something along the lines of "Sorry baby, I will get back to you soon and let you know, it's been a bad weekend!".....because as it turned out, he was having issues with his son and sons mother because of me and his phone

When he said he'll let you know, you should have taken a hint that he's into a lot of stress, you yourself don't want him to see your son because he might have an emotional stress. He's still human you know, cut him some slack. By the way, What you wanted him to say and what he said is completely the same. You just added a few irrelevant words. See the one in bold, isn't that exactly the same? Do you really require a "bad weekend"? What if that's the only thing he replied to you? would you have understood him more?

He's a mess and so are you. both of you are in a rough patch right now. You can readily move on because all you need to do is sign some papers and you're done. What he's experiencing right now can't be solved with a lawyer.

I'm not trying to be insensitive to your divorce but since you chose a complicated path for your life, then you have to be more considerate for other people's feelings.

[nerdy_guy]

Does it ever work to just say "Look I still love you, I don't need you, I just want you"....if by chance he really does love me, would that be needy?would that push him away more?

Yes, I believe he does love you. He just feels that you're not exactly helping him out by piling more problems on top of what he has now. He wants to save some of his sanity and that is why he's telling you that he has to go before he explodes all over your face. You need to realize that. You started off great, which is a good sign, then you decided to push him over the edge by adding to his current stress.

[stillhurting]

Thanks for your input Nerdy_guy, I really appreciate your "frankness"...so, I wanted to share that last correspondence I had sent to him that I had mentioned (that he didn't respond to) and get your thoughts. I agree with what you've said and as you can see from this email I tried apologizing for it.
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Hi~
A lot has happened in the last few weeks,*mostly good.... but it made me*realize some things I want to say. I was insecure, emotional and not trusting of you..... that wasn't fair to you and wasn't about anything you did, it was the BS I was use to and it snowballed when we brokeup.*
I'm not saying these were your reasons, I don't know that, and it doesn't matter. I*just wanted to say I wasnt ready, obviously had unfinished business to take care of, I ****ed things up pretty good, regret a lot and I'm sorry.
I hope we can talk sometime...I'm sure you're just dying to ask me out on a date! (lol...that was suppose to be funny..)

Can I get my toothbrush back?
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I had to add a little humor to it, or try to at least....because that's just me.

[nerdy_guy]

It should be fine, for now, just try to keep your life in order, tie up all the loose ends. Lets put it in terms of food. Finish everything on your bowl before deciding to put new cereal on it.

Make your presence felt but should not be in a pushy kind of way. Ask him how he is, wish him the best, etc... If he continues to ignore you after a considerable amount of time, and you're still really bothered by it, try emailing him again to seek closure on the whole thing. If still nothing, then move on.

[stillhurting]

Thanks again, Nerdy Guy!

[nerdy_guy]

Welcome

[stillhurting]

Son of a bee sting!!!!! I just sent him a damn text in a moment of weakness, shoot me! Ugh! Here's what I sent, no need to tell me what a mistake it was!
"I dont need you anymore, but I stil want you despite what has happened, in spite of whether you have "issues" or are "bitter"...I'm tired of missing you. I guess I'm going to have to go ahead and drink your beer? And you know I don't like beer..."

the beer thing is an inside joke from when we were just flirting.

Damn me!!!!!!

[nerdy_guy]

Miss, you just got a few miles farther apart from him...