need thoughts or ideas please

[banser123]

Using my mind for what? Thats what I dont get. What benefit does she get from me? Shes not crying on my shoulder about guy problems. Shes not using me financially or physically. I just dont get it. I appreciate your opinions but it doesnt seem like shes using me.

[kitkitkitty]

she's single and probably feels lonely more often than you're aware of. how does she forget about her loneliness? she asks you to be with her as a friend. it must be even harder with kids. you're her crutch when she feels emotionally weak.

[banser123]

But she is feeling more confident and happier now than she has in years. Thats why I dont think shes using me.
I know this is complicated but I feel like she is scared to comitt because she knows it would be a serious relationship. Even tho she feels better I think she is still ashamed of her past and that would make it hard and scary for her to meet my family and so on and so on etc..
She told me this when we first started to date. But she told me to be patient and it would get better. Maybe she likes me but cant overcome her fear of her past and being let down. Who knows. Im just in a tough spot here. She really is a nice girl. I have read threads about girls cheating, using guys for money, being snealy ang doing messed up things, and she hasnt done anything like that. I just hope things can work out and we can both be happy

[kitkitkitty]

i agree, you've got loads going on here. listen, if you honestly think that she feels something for you in a 'more than friendly' way then talk to her, it's the only way you can move forward. it may backfire and you may get hurt but tbh, it's better than having all those 'what ifs' 'perhaps' and 'maybes' wizzing round your head.

[banser123]

Well you are all right. I just dont want to deal with the hurt. She told me she is going out tonight and Im sure its some kind of date. Cant say for sure but I know it has to be the case. I do know for sure that we are best friends, and althought many people think she is bad, I know that she cares for me alot. She doesnt lead me on and told me that she was thinking of dating, she warned me and hoped I was ok with it, but Im not. My problem is I am in love with her and anytime I get the chance to spend time with her I do. I think she has lost respect for me in that aspect, and that might be the reason why her feelings changed for me. When we first dated she couldnt stop thinking of me and really wanted me in her life, it was magical. But now thats not the case.
We had plans to hang out tomorrow and have a bbq. I will hang out with her but on Sunday, when she does not have the kids with her, Im going to ask to speak to her. I am going to tell her that she is so special to me and my best friend, but at the same time, I really want to start a serious relationship and I cant wait around for her. I am ready to take on the responsibility of being with someone with two kids, and one of them is partiallly disabled. Thats is a big responsibilty and I want to do it with my heart because I love her and her kids. But like I said I proved to her time and time again that I can be the perfect husband to her and the perfrect father to her kids. They look up to me and really love me, just last night I went there for dinner and we all watched a movie together, they didnt want me to leave.
This is not going to be easy, but I have to tell her that we have to stop spending time together. I just dont know if I should say it for good or if I should tell her I need some time to be alone. I honestly want her in my life and I feel that deep down she wants me too. Maybe this will make her respect me more. Who knows. I feel like I want to die right now. I am so hurt. We work together so i have to see her everyday. I cant hide my feelings good but I dont want her to know how hurt I am. I want her to resect me.
Please remember, we are best friends and have spent so much time time together and had so many conversations. I dont want to lose her in my life but I dont know if I can deal with the hurting.
If anyone has any advice on how to handle this with the intentions of us getting back together please let me know.

[girl68]

You have to say indefinitely stop seeing each other. You must take this time to be alone, get over her totally. This is the best move for YOU. Unless you'd rather be single and in love with miss. unavailable you need to not be around her. If and only if you can get over her should you be her friend. You must not allow yourselves to become such close friends because you will undoubtedly fall back in love with her.

Make yourself available for someone to love you back. With her in the picture you are not available. It will hurt a lot yes, but in the long run you will not be a sour person for letting someone go who caused you so much pain intentional or not- it doesn't matter.

[banser123]

Thank you for your response any other thoughts? Please help. I'm feeling really bad

[banser123]

I dont get it. Why does she cling on to me. She supposedly had a date last night, so why does she text me early this morning and ask to get togeter today. I really dont see her as trying to torture me. And she knows that I have feelings for her. I figured she would lay low today and maybe send me a text later on just saying hi.
Im confused. I feel like just approaching her tonight at the bbq and put her close to me and kiss her and see how she reacts. I dont know if this is a bad idea, I just feel like something has to be said or done. She is big part of my life and I cant just let her go. And she feels the same, that must be why she still wants to spend time together.
Please help. and please dont think I dont appreciate all your advice, I just cant end it right now,

[kitkitkitty]

i think that you're trying to make excuses for her behaviour. not because it's necessarily terrible but because you're trying to convince yourself that this can carry on as it is. if she ends up dating a guy how are you, honestly, going to feel? cos i can see you ripping yourself apart because you know you can't change how she feels but you don't want to let go. i'm sorry, but you're probably going to have to at some point unless her feelings towards you change.

[banser123]

You are right, but I just dont get why she is as close to me now as ever. I mean, if she went on a date last night and likes this guy, why the heck would she call me and spend the whole day with me. I picked her up at 2pm and we all hung out until 12 midnight. We had a bbq and her kids played with my dog, and she had a good time, she didnt want to go home until late. I watched her and saw her in deep thought alot. I just dont understand why. If I am her emotional crutch, I would understand if she was sad and lonely. But she went out last night and if she had a good time and likes this guy why in the world is she spending the next day with me for 10 hours. She was saying that she wants me to bring her to my brothers wedding this coming March and maybe we could go on a vacation together next year. WHY, if she is dating. She is not malicious and is not doing it to hurt me. Does this make sense. I just dont know what to do.

[banser123]

just to update the situaton, on sunday she called me and asked what I was doing. I told her I was going to eat lunch, she asked if she could join me. We ate together at a diner, and she paid the bill.
Then I dropped her off at her apartment and she asked me to come over her place later that night.
Not to sound repetetive, but why is she doing this. She is not sad so she is not looking for me to listen to her problems. she went on a date on friday and I assume it went well, so why spend time with me like this. She knows how I feel about her, and we spoke in the past about if she was to meet someone its better we stop spending time together. I just dont get it

[kitkitkitty]

she's not sad when she sees you- and that's the point! no one wants to be upset.
i'm thinking the date didn't go too well either. and what happens when things don't go well? enter banser123...

[banser123]

Tomorrow I have to do something that is probably one of the most difficult things I have had to do in my life. I have to put an end to our friendship. I found out tonight that she is going out again. Thats 2 weekends in a row. Also she texts constantly through out the day. The bottom line is she must really like this guy. She is not the type to hook up or do booty calls so I have to assume that she really likes this guy. For her to find a babysitter 2 weeks in a row tells me she does.
She has been a really good friend to me these past 8 months or so. The only thing I dont understand is why she is getting really close to me when she is gaining feelings for someone else, and she knows that I am hurt by that.
Im not going to know how to deal with this. We work together and people are going to notice us not talking and not going to lunch anymore. Im sorry but I just cant do it. I love her and my feelings are too strong for me to spend time with her knowing that she is seeing a guy and that I have no chance. I have been through this with her in the past but there was never another guy involved.
I guess she lost respect for me as a man because I was hurt by her losing her feelings for me. I cant control that, those are my feelings. I feel so horrible now. We were just driving together about to get something to eat with her kids and she told me she was going out tonight. I told her that I was just going to cook something in my house and I just dropped her off. That was a very awkward ride. Silence. She knew I was hurt and she felt very bad. Her kids do not know whats going on. They wanted me to come by tonight. I know they grew attached to me and I did to them as well. Its going to hurt me to not see them anymore. Man this is the worst feeling imagineable.
Am I doing the write thing? Am I overreacting? Am I a fool if I think I still have a chace. I dont know what to do or say, please help me

[banser123]

just to update:
she has told me that there has been some old high school friends that she has been flirting with that she has met on facebook( she just recently joined facebook). She has been texting alot so I pretty much knew. she also told me last week that it was just flirting but there is one guy that she is interested in. I told her to stop playing text games and get serious with him because I wanted her to be happy, despite my feelings for her. she said he was a very nice guy, other than me her few other relationships were with losers. But she kept saying it wasnt serious. We had a little disagreement and she noticed I was a little hurt, but I played it off like I was ok with it.
2 days later (on monday) while we were texting she tells me that she really loves me alot. Most likely love, not in love, but hey nothing surprises me anymore. then we made plans to go out this weekend, friday night. througout the week we talked alot and she texted me one day saying that she wanted to share some personal info with me. she said she decided to cut ties with the guy she was interested in. She didnt want to speak about it but she wanted to let me know. this is odd because she never wants to speak about that topic, but she feels she needs to let me know she is not interested in him anymore.
then she tells me she is sad bc she feels like she should be married and settle down and she asks me if I feel the same at times. strange.
we end up going out to dinner friday night and she kept asking me why I havent dated recently. I told her I wanted a little break. she says she has alot of respect for me as a friend and a man too and she was just asking out of curiousity.
the nexy day (yesterday) we go to a park and have a picnic all day with the kids. She is not athletic, I am. but she all of a sudden started playing ball with me and frisbee and stuff and she said she had a great time. today she wants to have lunch then later on tonight a bbq before the summer ends.
I just cant figure things out. Should I just make a move on her and see what happens?
this all seems odd

[banser123]

i guess you all gave up on me lol