Hi everyone, this is my first post. I did a lot of reading on these forums when I joined a couple of weeks ago. I'm in a terrible, messy situation. I'm four and a half months pregnant and I kicked my boyfriend out of the house in a fit of rage two days before I found out. He hasn't been back since and the way things have been going I don't know if he ever will. He's the only man I feel I've ever truly loved. I was never the type to believe in soul mates and love at first sight until he came into my life. Now I am devastated and completely lost without him. Not to mention terrified of going through this entire pregnancy and thereafter alone.
My birthday was May 10, the day after Mother's Day. He works a 4-12 shift and left for work on Mothers's Day Sunday. He called me at midnight to tell me he got off work. I asked him if he was coming home and he said yes, so I told him I would wait up for him. I had fallen asleep on the couch and when I woke up at 3:30 in the morning he wasn't home. I called and after no answer the first time, I reached him on the second and he was in a bar playing pool. He had never left the city to come home and didn't call to tell me he was staying. He got annoyed when I got upset and I fell asleep crying on the couch. Technically it was my birthday at this point and I was hurt that he didn't come home.
He wasn't home when I woke up in the morning either .When I called I got no answer. He was unreachable all day until finally at 3:30 in the afternoon he called and said he didn't know what happened and he was on his way to work again. I was totally destroyed and I told him it was my birthday and he responded basically by saying it was no big deal that it was my birthday. He got upset. So I spent most of the day crushed and crying. He called again at 9 PM and said he was getting off of work and asked if he could take me to dinner. I responded only under the condition that he wasn't drunk by the time I got to the city to meet him. I put myself together and went.
He took my for a nice dinner and by then I decided not to let my anger ruin the evening. At one point I turned to him and asked him why he didn't seem happy. That he had recently gotten certain things he said he needed in his life to be happy (one of them being a job) and now that he has them, he doesn't seem happy at all. He brushed me off and said he didn't know. But I knew he was holding back. Then he started giving me the cold shoulder. By the time we left the restaurant I was feeling hurt again. Here is the man I love, who says he loves me and he didn't come home the night before, trivialized my birthday and now he's being cold! What is going on?!
A friend picked us up from the restaurant and we were going to go for drinks. But the more things built up inside, the more hurt I got and I started talking sh*t in the car. In front of our friend. When we stopped at a red light, he got out of the car and left. By that time I was angry so I didn't even care that he left. I imagined he felt guilty. So the night went on and I spent time with friends and got pretty drunk as well. By the time I got home it was 4:30 in the morning. I was feeling very bold and justified and woke him up out of a dead sleep and totally flipped out on him. At one point I started hitting him on his arms and pushing him on the bed. And then - AND I KNOW THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INEXCUSABLE - I started to spit on him. I told him that was how I felt when he didn't bother to come home on my birthday then got mad at me for being hurt about it. That I obviously didn't mean more than the dirt under his shoe.
As if that isn't bad enough, here's where it gets even worse. I was making so much noise knocking things over and yelling and slamming doors that my neighbors downstairs called the police. They probably thought someone was being murdered. (I have no carpet either). When the police came and asked me if I wanted him to leave I was so angry I said yes. MY BIGGEST MISTAKE. Because he did. He packed everything into a giant duffle bag and left. When I realized what I had done, I left my apartment and stayed at a friends house. I was a mess.
Later the next day, I was lying on the couch staring at the ceiling just thinking about the past week. I hadn't been feeling right, extra edgy about things and feeling scattered all over the place. Eventually I had come to the decision to buy a pregnancy test the next morning. I have a nine year old daughter and the feeling of being "off" is what made get a test when I found out I was pregnant with her. My boyfriend and I had been trying to conceive a child for most of the 2 years we were together to no avail. I am extremely fertile and after a while, we figured that he wasn't functioning correctly and just couldn't get me pregnant. Well, I got the test the next day and imagine my shock and surprise. I didn't believe the first test, so later that day I took the second one. Positive. I couldn't believe it. What kind of timing was this?! Why now?! Why couldn't I have found out 2 days before?! We would have been celebrating!
I started calling hi like crazy. He didn't answer my calls for 2 days and I finally I let it burst in a voice mail. Not the way I wanted to tell him but I couldn't hold it in any longer. I thought it was a miracle. It took him 2 days to call me back and when he did he was angry and said that just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean he's moving back in with me. He said a few more things and hung up on me.
There is so much more to this and this is already terribly long. I've seen him only twice since then. My daughter is feeling the pain of his absence as well as they both love each other and he was a wonderful father figure to her. I am completely heartbroken. My pregnancy has been sad. Just on and on. I want so badly to reconcile. As I said I've done some reading and I definitely do not know the meaning of no contact. I've been very emotional and am a naturally sensitive person. Thank you to whomever reads this for taking the time.
I could really use some insight. I know there's probably a lot of questions and I'll be happy to answer any that are posed to fill in 0t he gaps as there is a lot missing from the grand scheme of things here. I would appreciate the opinions especially of any men who can offer insight as to what is going on in his head. He was the one who wanted a child. I was already happy in life with my daughter, but love him madly as was more that wiling and happy to have his child and share that gift with him. He's very distant from me and has been keeping it so. Please help me. Thank you.