Engagement weirdness: Please help!

[Scarletrook]

Hi everyone,

I’m brand new here so hi and a friendly wave to ya!

Here’s what I need a guy’s opinion on. Roughly three weeks ago I asked my boyfriend how he felt about us getting married next year around this time. (We had both been hinting around a bit here and there about us getting married for a couple of months so I thought it was a pretty safe thing to bring up.) He said he liked the idea and that he was “very happy with me”. We even spoke a little bit about possible dates. Over the next couple of weeks a couple of other things were casually mentioned and nothing seemed to be amiss when they were spoken of. It seemed like we were doing some pre-planning type things so I thought everything was cool and we would slowly transition into a engaged status and eventually tell people, etc. Suddenly a couple of days ago he asked me what all I thought would be involved in planning the wedding so I pulled out my iPhone and began reading a basic break down that an app I had on there had created for me.

He started to look extremely uncomfortable and I immediately knew something was wrong. Even though he continued with the conversation as though everything was fine I knew everything was NOT fine. I went over to him and gently told him that if at any time he felt like he didn’t want to do this or he wasn’t ready or whatever to please tell me. He said he was suddenly extremely nervous when I began naming all the stuff that had to be done and that his heart had begun to race. He said he needed some time to think about WHY that had happened and he couldn’t really tell me right then.

I had to go to work in just a few minutes and was not pleased at all to have to leave right in the middle of this and was feeling a lot of stuff at once. I was trying my best to focus only on the fact that I was glad he was being honest but I began to feel angrier and angrier the longer I sat there with his stone face and his complete silence. I think I felt angry because I felt stupid, and like this was coming out of nowhere. Like I thought everything was fine and good and that we had moved to this point together when in reality just the IDEA of marrying me caused him extreme anxiety. It was hard not to take this personally and I found that very hurtful.

Because of my sudden anger (which I was doing my best to hide from him since I didn’t want him to feel bad for his feelings) I was only able to wait about 30 minutes before I had to call him on my cell (on my way to work) and ask him what the &*^% his deal was and would he at least TRY to tell me what made him nervous because there was no way I could work all day without knowing what he was thinking. That conversation really didn’t go well since my anger got the best of me and I basically said that I didn’t think he was ready and that I was an idiot to think he would ever be ready, and let's just forget the whole thing, etc.

When I got home from work that evening he said that he felt like we were putting the cart before the horse because he had not even asked me to marry him yet and wanted to know if I wanted a ring. When I said that I did he said that he wanted to go looking for rings this weekend and then he wanted to hold on to the ring until he thought of a cool special thing he could do as a proposal.

I’m really confused by all this. We are both VERY practical people and it never occurred to me that he would want to do a traditional proposal with all the trimmings. I’m trying to figure out now if I just totally pegged him wrong (that he’s far more romantic than I thought) or if this is some kind of stall tactic because he’s not really ready to get engaged or married but he thinks getting the ring and sitting on/hiding it (for however long it takes him to be ready to give it to me) is going to make me feel better; like it’s a pacifier of sorts. There is also an issue of control that I can’t put my finger on that makes me slightly uncomfortable as well. Like he has to be the one to initiate all of this or he won’t feel like a “real man”. I’ve never done well with traditional gender roles so there’s something mildly offensive about that to me. But at the same time part of me thinks it’s very sweet that it seems to mean so much to him that we go about this in what he seems to think is the “right” way.

Any ideas you have on where he could be coming from would be great! Am I just being weird and difficult? ^_^ Oh, it may be important to know that we’ve been together for a year and a half and lived together for 6 months.

Thanks for reading this long and detailed thing and for any ideas!

- Scarlet

[rain.man]

I think you just freaked him out. Whipping the app out of nowhere is basically a modern equivalent of pulling out a binder with pictures of the dress and where you want to get married and the song and the food and a dozen places to honeymoon and the <stops for a breath 5 minutes later>. Up to then, it was just talking, then he saw the work you'd already put into it and things got very real, very fast. And going all Bridezilla and reaming him out on the phone before you even had the ring didn't help matters.

We haven't been thinking about these things since we were 6. Weddings freak guys out, you've got to give us this stuff in small doses. You just overloaded him. Most of my married buddies bought their rings a couple months before they actually proposed, sitting on it for a while is not at all unusual.

[VincenzoG91]

One big question is how old you two are. From the tone of your post, I'm guessing mid or late 20s, which is a reasonable time to get hitched. If he's still in his early 20s, the reality of planning a wedding may be daunting enough to give him cold feet, or at least a slight chill. If he's already in his 30s, you may be looking at the first warning signs of a guy who isn't ready to make a commitment.

On the other hand, 18 months is not a super long relationship, though living together these last six months probably brought the most obvious potential problems into the open to get dealt with. Guys are sometimes bothered by the idea of settling down once and for all, because it means they're not supposed to be hooking up with any other women ever again.

Or maybe it's just the money. The average American wedding cost $28K when I last checked in '08, more if you live on either coast.

And since you're not hung up on traditional roles, though he might be... there is a modern theory that the only good reason to get married is if you're going to have kids. I don't subscribe to that theory, but it's hard to deny that fewer Americans are getting married these days, and it's happening later in life than in times past. Have you talked about kids yet? Like, how many?

Sorry if I'm casting so much doubt on this situation. My best friend has only had five serious, long-term relationships in his life, with a total of three women. Let's call them A, B, and C. A was his high-school sweetheart, and they talked about marriage. B went to the same high school, but they didn't start dating until years later, and nearly got engaged. He was with C for a couple of years after breaking up with B. Later, he got back with A, and they came this close to eloping. Eventually, he was seeing B again, and around the time they were going to get engaged again, he got cold feet and she started seeing somebody else. Actually, he got cold feet every time, even though he has pretty traditional values and has always planned on getting married and having kids. He is now 46, single, and not even dating anybody. Every time he got close to getting engaged, even though he wanted it, he would start to panic and then the communication would turn bad, leading to a break-up.

Your guy could be different. But it sounds familiar to me. He really cares about you and wants to get married, only this weird instinct to run is popping up. You sound like you're handling him very reasonably, but maybe you take it down a notch. Instead of reading him a pre-planned to do list for marriage, with all the complex details, you should have gone for more of an executive summary, like planning, invitations, rehearsal, wedding and reception. Loosen up and don't get obsessed with the passing of each day for now, and give him some breathing room to do his part, like buy the ring and pop the question.

[Mish]

I think I felt angry because I felt stupid, and like this was coming out of nowhere. Like I thought everything was fine and good and that we had moved to this point together when in reality just the IDEA of marrying me caused him extreme anxiety. It was hard not to take this personally and I found that very hurtful.

Because of my sudden anger (which I was doing my best to hide from him since I didn’t want him to feel bad for his feelings) I was only able to wait about 30 minutes before I had to call him on my cell (on my way to work) and ask him what the &*^% his deal was and would he at least TRY to tell me what made him nervous because there was no way I could work all day without knowing what he was thinking. That conversation really didn’t go well since my anger got the best of me and I basically said that I didn’t think he was ready and that I was an idiot to think he would ever be ready, and let's just forget the whole thing, etc.

I think you over reacted. You ASSUMED that the idea of marrying you made him extremely nervous, when in reality he just felt uncomfortable about all of the stuff that needs to get done before the wedding that you were reading from your phone. I think you played a role in this, you could have just as easily told him that if all this extra stuff is making him nervous you're fine with a small wedding and cut out a lot of that fairytale for the rich folks stuff out. You took offence and instead came off as someone who is very pushy and someone who wants to force him into marriage and into doing things that he may find unnecessary. Now HE is likely to have second thoughts about marrying you after seeing that side of you.

[nerdy_guy]

1. Maybe he thought of how much he needed to spend and it scared him a little if he can afford everything on your list.
2. Maybe he's not really big on weddings and preparations and it gets him anxious.

He'll be happy to be your husband but weddings are not his thing. Did that make sense?

[7sins]

Hi everyone,

I’m brand new here so hi and a friendly wave to ya!

Because of my sudden anger (which I was doing my best to hide from him since I didn’t want him to feel bad for his feelings) I was only able to wait about 30 minutes before I had to call him on my cell (on my way to work) and ask him what the &*^% his deal was and would he at least TRY to tell me what made him nervous because there was no way I could work all day without knowing what he was thinking. That conversation really didn’t go well since my anger got the best of me and I basically said that I didn’t think he was ready and that I was an idiot to think he would ever be ready, and let's just forget the whole thing, etc.

- Scarlet

Wow, sounds like you went ape shit over a very small situation which you over analysed and then overreacted. This could be a blessing for him to be honest, at least he got to see supersaiyan you before you both were tied together and your assets are merged.

[Scarletrook]

Thanks for the thoughts, guys! I’m beginning to feel way better already by just giving it some time, and hearing your ideas. I’m pretty sure I overreacted as well. However in my own defense I didn’t yell at him or anything. Even when I FEEL intense anger I very rarely show it, (which would be difficult for someone to know since I’m writing about what I FELT rather than what I DID.)

I’m beginning to think now that a lot of it was a misunderstanding. I’m a very literal person. I thought talking about getting married next year (three weeks ago) and his positive response to it meant that we were agreeing that the planning should begin. Not a Bridezilla planning-every-single-day type planning but that over the next couple of months a few things needed to be worked out. When I was asked what was involved I felt I was merely answering a question he wanted to know. It’s weird how anger is often the emotion people feel when they feel they’ve misunderstood someone’s feelings or intentions. It’s like a weird pride thing I guess.

I’m actually somewhat embarrassed to admit to the guy asking about our ages that I’m 38 and he’s 42. It must have been my sudden angry reaction that made me lose 10 years on paper. ^_^ That also may be what made me say the thing about "I’m not sure you’ll ever be ready for marriage." He’s 42 for Pete’s sake and has only dated one other woman as long as he’s dated me. (Actually that’s wrong. He only dated her for just under a year.)

[Junket]

I love when people say they can hide their feelings really well.

They can never hide it as well as they think they can.

My g/f thinks she hides her discontent well, too, but I always know when somethin' is up.

[Scarletrook]

Wow, sounds like you went ape shit over a very small situation which you over analysed and then overreacted. This could be a blessing for him to be honest, at least he got to see supersaiyan you before you both were tied together and your assets are merged.

Well sure. Seeing the not so pretty side of someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with is an absolute necessity.

[cancankant]

I think you just freaked him out. Whipping the app out of nowhere is basically a modern equivalent of pulling out a binder with pictures of the dress and where you want to get married and the song and the food and a dozen places to honeymoon and the <stops for a breath 5 minutes later>. Up to then, it was just talking, then he saw the work you'd already put into it and things got very real, very fast. And going all Bridezilla and reaming him out on the phone before you even had the ring didn't help matters.

I'm a woman. I'm agreeing with this 100%. Guys have NOT been thinking about their weddings for years. They have been thinking of girls/women, boobs, sex, living together and/or marriage (because that = sex). Some are more family minded and have thought of kids, etc. I think the financial aspect of the whole thing and how much it was going to cost freaked him out.

You mention he is practical, so that is what I think of immediately. I would have a gentle, yet frank, talk with him about the whole thing along the lines of, "I don't have to have the whole shebang, you know. I really like being with you and want to get married. That's the most important part." He may have a twinge of cold feet as well, but I think if you let him know that your wedding does not have to be 100% the way you've planned it in your head (and on your phone!), he will relax.