Need Advice on an Affair

[mmsmith1977]

That seems to be the general feeling, to stop all contact and to confess. The fact that they are not only coworkers but have a superior/subordinate work relationship makes it even worse though, and opens up a whole other can of worms, especially since it is a very small firm. I also feel like confessing is selfish- like I would only be doing it to assuage my own guilty feelings. I know I deserve whatever I have coming to me, I guess I was just hoping there was another way.

[Gigabitch]

No, there's not another way. Lying is just as destructive as cheating. Stop trying to weasel out of it. If you want to stay married, you have to fix your marriage, and to do that, you have to be honest, not just about the cheating, but about whatever was wrong in your marriage that made the cheating a possibility in the first place.

You have a lot of work to do. Get started.

[mmsmith1977]

Yes, I do. I have alot to figure out and alot of talking to do. I hope that it will be ok. Thank you.

[zonay]

I read it somewhere that you can love two person at the same time only if you love yourself more than anything else. And it's evident in your case. You are not at the state of selfless love and you have both men at your back up at the same time. It's like if someone assures you that your future life (let's say marriage) will be perfect with the new guy, you'll take the plunge. But if apparently things are uncertain you prefer your present husband as a well established refuge.
I am not calling you names, infact I don't think you are a bad person at all. We all make mistakes, otherwise we would have been angels. And in your case you have been more destructive to yourself than any one else. Of all the people who are judging you, I am sure very few understand the level of trauma you are facing. You are torn between two guys, and they have both been nice to you. I think you had some issues in your married life, they might not be BIG enough, but they troubled your mind. In hope of looking for some distraction you started this *side* thing, but since you are not a total player you fell in your own trap. When you get some tension from your husband you confide in the other guy. And when he is busy or indifferent you enjoy spending time with your husband. Because once again you love to keep yourself pampered and can't face situations on your own.
So I'd advice you to grab a paper, write what do you like and dislike about both of them, create a plan that you think is best for you, identify the problem in accomplishing that, and find solutions.
In ANY CASE trust me the pain of leaving one of them would be much better than this confused state of hanging in middle.

[Gigabitch]

I read it somewhere that you can love two person at the same time only if you love yourself more than anything else.

I like that.

[chump4u]

A year ago when I first came to this forum my outrage at your story would have made it difficult for me to write anything calmer or more reasoned than Raze"s "Sl*t" post. But I've learned a lot about the realities of Modern Love since then. Now, "How typical" pretty well covers my reaction.

These days when I hear some poor guy screaming "She cheated on me" all I can think is "Of course she did, Fool. Did you really expect anything else?" The majority of American women are on your side,mm, or on their way to join your cause: around 50% of women in this country cheat on their "love"-partners, and another 25% say they would cheat if they were sure they would not get caught. You have plenty of company out there in Adultressville, though not very distinguished company. And I no longer give a damn that that's the case.

So I'm not being "judgmental" here, only pointing out what I see as the realities of your situation.

1. You say that you "have only been intimate once" with your husband's "friend." Too bad. If you'd had a hundred "intimate interludes" it wouldn't make your husband feel much worse than your one-night stand is going to, and you would have got a much better price for your marriage.

2. You say that you're your husband's "best friend." No, you're not. Perhaps you once were, but you are no longer, nor will you ever be again. Don't make decisions based on your supposed friendship with a man you castrated.

3. You say that you're "afraid of hurting my husband," as though the hurting is a future possibility. I'm sorry, but you're not thinking when you say this. You've already hurt your husband. The pain may not have reached his brain yet, but it will the second you confirm his suspicions (yes, he probably does suspect), or he has his suspicions validated by any of the many, many people who know of or will learn of your little affair. Count on it, because you'd be a fool not to.

4. "We recently ended the affair"... No you didn't. You've got your "friend" on standby (as he has you), and it's only a matter of time before you and he (or you and somebody) are off in some hourly-rate motel, harassing the bedbugs. I'm sure that if you look deeply into yourself, you'll see that I'm correct. Admit this to yourself, and you'll start thinking a little more clearly about your situation, and about whether you want to keep your pitiful husband around to endure yet another round of humiliation.

5. When you say you need "a way out of this mess" I assume you mean that you want to save your marriage. But...you no longer have a marriage to save. You've destroyed every root, branch, and leaf of any "holy matrimony" you may have entered into, and you've broken the legal union/civil contract marriage as well, as any divorce-court judge will tell you. Nor do you any longer have a "relationship," except as cheater to cheated. Your husband may still think there's a love relationship, but that belief is not likely to last past revelations about you and his "friend." Perhaps you and he can develop a new relationship in the future, but the cards are against it. Fewer than a third of cheater-broken marriages survive more than months after the cheat is revealed.

[vashti]

To be honest, I'm not sure your marriage can be saved, given it wasn't just some guy out of nowhere, but rather someone he works with. (Was it his boss, or his employee, btw?)

You must have been really mad at him to hit so close to home.

Since you have no children, I'm not sure why you feel so devoted to the idea of making it work with your husband, but if you stand any chance at all, you will need some professional help.

[7sins]

I will reiterate a previous post... SLUT... i also agree with "chump4u" im young myself, I have friends who have cheated, I know so many ppl that have cheated and never learn. It has somewhat jaded me from finding a gf, as i keep thinking sooner or later it will happen. I mean how hard is it jsut to break up with the person and then pursue what you want. The amount of self control majority of people have is astounding, and this is jsut the beginning. The next generation will be having orgies during gym classes.

It would appear that cheaters are now no longer the exception to the rule, it has become the rule. Loyal partners are now the exception.

Will Harley?? Someone mentioned earlier, is that the Marriage Builder site? No offence but I personally think its a load of shit, ppl read it and try to fix something, when its best jsut to end it. Its like trying to fix a big home on stilts, by putting in more stilts. Once the foundation is broken its best to just demolish the house and restart (find someone else).

advice: tell him, and leave. Also dont try taking his assets/money, you probably have the right to according to law, but you have no moral rights to it.

I truely believe in the vows of marriage, i take things slow in relationships and dont date jsut for the sake of dating, i try at least to look for the right girl to start off with. It would appear that i have an old/traditional mind in a yound body. Sadly i will not fair well in the dating scene, well its regarded as a dating "game" now.

[zonay]

Originally quoted by CHUMP4U:

But I've learned a lot about the realities of Modern Love since then

Adultery or Infidelity is not MODERN. Since the time of the Holy Bible, infidelity has been mentioned. Abraham and Jacob were both written about in the Bible as being unfaithful husbands. This dilemma has been going on for thousands of years, and it seems as though it may never cease. The desire for one who is married to be with another person seems to be a problem that history has accepted, and the modern world has learned to live with. Now opportunities to commit it, ease of going out with someone else, chances of being caught are more convenient than ever before. So in my opinion infidelity/adultery is not a new or emerging problem. It has always been there, but in the past it's punishment was severe up to death penalty or stoning. So that made people who committed it afraid of confessing it. Now with all the liberation and libertarianism going on, it's easy for people to at least confess it. Internet has given this option of becoming anonymous. This woman could be family relative/ friend/ colleague of any of us. But now since her identity is not obvious, she can confide in us. So that makes the confession more easy.

round 50% of women in this country cheat on their "love"-partners, and another 25% say they would cheat if they were sure they would not get caught. You have plenty of company out there in Adultressville

Well, speaking of the *correct* facts here: Alfred Kinsey has found in his studies that 50% of males and 26% of females had extramarital sex at least once during their lifetime. Depending on studies, it was estimated that 26–50% of men and 21–38% women, or 22.7% of men and 11.6% of women had extramarital sex.
And I personally think, it always takes two to tango. If 50% women are cheating, 50% men are their crime partners :-)

[Adamd9]

I think you need to wait a bit, let time pass, 2-3 weeks, get your thought right, its pretty clear that your not in a good emotion mode, and it can cost more damage, to you, and your loves one.

[vashti]

So much hysteria on this thread.....

[RdHrshyKss]

zonay...although kinsey's findings helped open society's prude mind to what was actually going on in the bedroom across the country...i wouldn't' quote his findings as fact. his research practices were far from what would be considered unbiased. BUT i do agree with your point. to project women as the cheaters is just silly...it does take two to tango. in the OP's situation both she and the coworker cheated.

to the OP...why on earth would you want to pursue things with this coworker? he knew you were married...and even worse to his "friend" and coworker. if he's ok with having an affair with you, then what's to stop him from doing so in the future to you??? he's not worth your time, and shame on you for being so ignorant/selfish about all this.

you need to tell your husband yesterday. he needs to know. you have already given up your right to make any decisions regarding your marraige. tell your husband what happened and let him decide what the next step is. if you are lucky, he'll be willing to work on things with you. if i were in your husband's shoes, i'd kick you to the curb. not only did you cheat on him and throw all commitments you made to him by marrying him out the window, but you shamed him by doing it with someone that he works with and considers a friend. he deserves to know, and you deserve to be alone.

[Raze]

zonay...although kinsey's findings helped open society's prude mind to what was actually going on in the bedroom across the country...i wouldn't' quote his findings as fact. his research practices were far from what would be considered unbiased. BUT i do agree with your point. to project women as the cheaters is just silly...it does take two to tango. in the OP's situation both she and the coworker cheated.

to the OP...why on earth would you want to pursue things with this coworker? he knew you were married...and even worse to his "friend" and coworker. if he's ok with having an affair with you, then what's to stop him from doing so in the future to you??? he's not worth your time, and shame on you for being so ignorant/selfish about all this.

you need to tell your husband yesterday. he needs to know. you have already given up your right to make any decisions regarding your marraige. tell your husband what happened and let him decide what the next step is. if you are lucky, he'll be willing to work on things with you. if i were in your husband's shoes, i'd kick you to the curb. not only did you cheat on him and throw all commitments you made to him by marrying him out the window, but you shamed him by doing it with someone that he works with and considers a friend. he deserves to know, and you deserve to be alone.

Because she is a slut.

[IndiReloaded]

Raze, you know I love your posts but STFU already. You made your point once, it was acknowledged, I suggest letting the adults post if you have nothing useful to contribute.

@ 7sins. I posted Dr. Harley's site. You are welcome to disagree but you sound young and never been married, I expect. You should realize that not everyone thinks that infidelity is grounds for divorce. Some couples DO choose to move forward from it, for various reasons (esp if children are present) and Will's site provides a starting point for this choice.

I do agree with you that cheating in a dating relationship is a deal-breaker tho, FWIW.

[mmsmith1977]

I read it somewhere that you can love two person at the same time only if you love yourself more than anything else. And it's evident in your case. You are not at the state of selfless love and you have both men at your back up at the same time. It's like if someone assures you that your future life (let's say marriage) will be perfect with the new guy, you'll take the plunge. But if apparently things are uncertain you prefer your present husband as a well established refuge.
I am not calling you names, infact I don't think you are a bad person at all. We all make mistakes, otherwise we would have been angels. And in your case you have been more destructive to yourself than any one else. Of all the people who are judging you, I am sure very few understand the level of trauma you are facing. You are torn between two guys, and they have both been nice to you. I think you had some issues in your married life, they might not be BIG enough, but they troubled your mind. In hope of looking for some distraction you started this *side* thing, but since you are not a total player you fell in your own trap. When you get some tension from your husband you confide in the other guy. And when he is busy or indifferent you enjoy spending time with your husband. Because once again you love to keep yourself pampered and can't face situations on your own.
So I'd advice you to grab a paper, write what do you like and dislike about both of them, create a plan that you think is best for you, identify the problem in accomplishing that, and find solutions.
In ANY CASE trust me the pain of leaving one of them would be much better than this confused state of hanging in middle.

I think this post summed up everything I have been feeling pretty accurately, everything rang really true. And to answer a previous discussion, the other guy is higher up in the company. I guess i WAS stupid enough to think I could have it both ways, I am not going to defend myself, or say that someone else would do the same thing. All I have been trying to say is that I never would have thought I would do something like this, ever. I know what the right thing to do is, and I honestly have no idea what my husband would do if I told him. I think that were the situation reversed, I would be open to trying to save the marriage but of course that is easy to say isnt it? Now that I have stepped back from the situation and I am actually thinking I feel like I am seeing things clearer and maybe can now make a better decision.