Family woes

[lovefool87]

I know this is usually a place for intimate relationships, but my family relationships are all screwed up and i need some advice!

I'll make it short, you can feel free to ask for details.

10 years ago, my mom and dad divorced, my brother went with my dad and i went with my mom. My dad was severely abusive towards my mom and brother while we were growing up. 6 months later my dad was engaged to a woman he met on the internet who lived in florida (we're in TX). Because of this, a lot of things were not resolved between my parents. My brother suffered from being neglected to never having food around while my mom and i did just fine in a tiny apartment. When my stepmom moved to Texas, she brought two kids with her, a daughter my brothers age and a son 3 years younger than me. My dad treated these two kids and their mom better than he had ever treated my brother, my mom, and me.

So even though he physically abused my brother and my mom, he was allowed to live a life of lies, telling my stepmom that my mom was a cheater and emotionally abusive to him, so my stepmom hates my mom.

Not even a year into their marriage, my stepmom buddies up to a church counselor that my mom saw when things weren't so well, and tells my stepmom that my mom knew about her and my dad chatting online before the divorce. My stepmom then tells my mom she can "Go to hell and never ****ing call this house again!"

Now, about 9 years later, my brother (who is a sociopath and was released from the military for it) is dating a girl whom he abuses (even though she sticks around) and cant seem to get a handle on his money, so he asked my mom (for the millionth time) for money and she refuses him. So he goes to my dad (who is always ready to be the favorite parent) and gets money.

He then decides to have a family dinner to propose to his gf, and my mom and I aren't invited. We didn't even get a phone call. I found out on Facebook. So i deactivated my account in an attempt to get my brother to call me, and instead my stepmom, stepsister,and dad claim that I deleted them and start to cause drama. Meanwhile my mom is severely hurt by all of this and it's making me angry.

My step-sister says "what you did sent a big '**** you' to us and after all your father has done for you! And all the things he would do for you!?"

Ever since the divorce, nobody has ever set them straight about who my dad really is. My brother has seriously blocked out everything that happened to him (yeah he doesn't remember the bruises) and thinks that my dad is a god. My mom doesn't want to 'get into it' and I'm stuck with the memories and the nightmares.

I just feel that if everybody knew, then they would understand why I suffer from severe anxiety and stop making me into the bad guy.

Oh and I've made peace with the fact that I hate my father. Any advice on leading a normal life after this?

[vashti]

Your step-sibling's experience with your father may indeed be different than what YOU experienced. That doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your wrath, nor does it invalidate what you know to be true for you.

Have you seen a counselor? It seems like it would be a good idea for you. I think that having absolutely NO expectations from your father, brother, and all the step family is the key to having peace in your life, but it is awfully hard to get to that point (without bitterness) all by yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't really have much to relate to on this subject, but I think this might be a good thread to bump for Dopple. He should have some good advice for you in this.

The fact you seem to be able to recognize what is/isn't cool with your family seems like a really good place to start learning how to behave better. Kudos to you.

[hurt_confuzd]

I don't really have much to relate to on this subject, but I think this might be a good thread to bump for Dopple. He should have some good advice for you in this.

The fact you seem to be able to recognize what is/isn't cool with your family seems like a really good place to start learning how to behave better. Kudos to you.

I have excellent advice for him. We don't (and never will) need Doppel.


Arrange a family dinner, go in there with a pump-action shotty, and just murder all of them.

[Indignant]

does this mean that you dad is a changed man and doesn't abuse people any longer?

[lovefool87]

Indignant- He still verbally and emotionally abuses me (hence the anxiety) and I've seen him verbally abuse my brother, but sadly, my brother sees this behavior as love/caring.

I sort of feel like the only person who even remembers what happened (between the ages of 5-13) in that household. It's so frustrating because I SAW ALL OF IT! Even my moms sister remembers my dad telling my brother "I will cut off your head and shit down your neck" when he was around 11 years old.

I have been seeing a counselor ever since the divorce, but it is like there is nothing i can do except wait until he dies. I feel that the day he dies will bring me peace. Is that a bad thing to feel? I'm just a mess right now about everything that has occurred in the past 48 hours.

And on a relationship note, my boyfriend is not being the shoulder i can cry on right now. He seems to think that im being too emotional and overreacting and its like he finds it annoying.

By the way, thanks to everyone who has responded. Sometimes just getting it out there helps out so much!

[hurt_confuzd]

Oh, you're a female.

Ignore my dumb comment about the shotty.

A .22 will do just fine.

[lovefool87]

Hurt_confuzd- I know what you mean. I kind of wish they would disappear and leave me alone. You srsly made me laugh though. thanks!

[vashti]

You do not need to wait for him to die to have some degree of peace. I know this from personal experience, but again, I think it took me a long time to get to feeling okay. Therapy may help.

[Indignant]

You do not need to wait for him to die to have some degree of peace. I know this from personal experience, but again, I think it took me a long time to get to feeling okay. Therapy may help.

i just don't understand how is she getting abused if she doesn't live with the guy.

[vashti]

i just don't understand how is she getting abused if she doesn't live with the guy.

My impression is that he is unapologetic for his previous history of abuse during her formative years, which contributes to a continuing pattern of separation and alienation.

[lovefool87]

My impression is that he is unapologetic for his previous history of abuse during her formative years, which contributes to a continuing pattern of separation and alienation.

Yes, and it is haunting me. I know I need to get it together, and for the most part I do, but when things like this erupt and he blames me for being distant, I get angry because I have a reason to be distant. Thank you guys so much for your kind words. I'm going to try a new counselor and see if I yield better results.

[VincenzoG91]

If I didn't like my family, I would never speak to them again. If you're old enough to support yourself, you are old enough to choose whether or not you have any contact with dysfunctional family members. Whatever choice you make, I hope you choose what makes you happy.

[zonay]

If your family is so dysfunctional, I think the best for you is to stay away. If they are not a source of happiness and content for you, you are better off alone.

[lovefool87]

If I didn't like my family, I would never speak to them again. If you're old enough to support yourself, you are old enough to choose whether or not you have any contact with dysfunctional family members. Whatever choice you make, I hope you choose what makes you happy.

Yeah, the only people who "support" me (paying for my school and school expenses) are my mom and stepdad, and we have a normal relationship. Mostly because we are all able to communicate our feelings and even if we have disagreements, it never really gets personal. This is great advice and trust me when I say I'm taking it!