I need so much help I don't know what help to ask for first. Guys, insight please!!

[cmacattack1]

You have to understand that what you did was not okay, no matter how drunk you were or how your emotions were all over the place. That doesn't make anything okay, no matter how you try and spin it or how crappy you are feeling. You are in complete control of your actions and you were wrong there. Plain and simple.

As for him being a great father for your daughter, is that really true? He gets along with her well but the night before your birthday he goes out and drinks all night, doesn't come home and the next thing you know he's at work again? I don't know if another woman is involved but this kind of behavior is troubling anyway. How often does he do this? While I'd like to believe that important events like this can just change somebody's life around and rearrange their priorities for them, I just can't believe that a pregnancy would turn him into father of the year and the best guy in the world. Alot of us want to think that love will change everything and make things different. Like if he loved you, he would have given you a birthday you would have never forgotten. But it doesn't turn you into somebody you aren't. Love is shown through his interpretation of love, and this is what it has come to. I think you deserve better than that, even if you were physically abusive. I know it's difficult being on your own, but you have to be able to stand on your own two feet when it comes down to it. Are you in the position to have another child on your own income when you work full time? It's a two person job to raise a child. It's tough enough on the daughter that is already born isn't it?

I can certainly understand your panic. Kind of feels like the walls are closing in on you when you are so dependent on somebody and they aren't there anymore? Financially that is stressful enough. You can't make him come back, all you can do is let him be. Only then is he going to realize what he has lost and maybe want to be back. Not that I think his behavior is appropriate enough of somebody that wants to have a family with you. You can't help how you feel but this guy doesn't seem like what you want for your current life.

[alwaystryin]

Hi everyone, thanks for more responses. I've made some decisions. First off, I sent him an email telling him that after October 1, I will no longer be available to him. That the constant up and down is not good for me and most importantly the baby. The email may have been stupid to send, but I had to say my piece and let him know clearly where I stand. Also, in my mind it helps me to sort of have a deadline where I feel at that point all hope is lost and I'm making the right decision. Second, I have the option of going on maternity leave anywhere from 6 months to 4 years. I've decided to take three and enroll in college. Something I've always wanted but never had the opportunity to do. So I'm going to change this situation around and look at the whole thing as an opportunity for me to make some major improvements in my life for me and my children. I'm hoping that between public assistance, grants and loans I will be able to support us through that. It will be a struggle, but it already is and at least we'll be better of in the end. I'm terrible at sitting idle and the past few months have been torturous in that it has all seemed like one big long bad day. It's time for that to end.

@ lahnnabell and Teddy - you're both right. I think there's a lot of truths in everyone's posts here. My only true conviction in life is that it's important to be happy. There are so many miserable people walking around living lives they don't want to live and doing things they don't want to do and showing up for jobs every day that they hate. And until the end of our relationship, I was happy. I really never saw myself married and still don't. I was a stay at home mom for the first 3 1/2 years of my daughters life and towards the end of that time felt like if I didn't get a job or do something with my brain, I was going to go insane. I've been through a lot, am very strong and independent (sometimes I think that's a turn off for men..) and have always had mixed feelings about marriage. Maybe I felt safe saying I would marry him knowing full well he didn't want to be and therefore it wasn't a threat to me because I knew it would never happen. But, I do believe one of my mistakes is allowing my happiness to depend even a little on someone else. I can't do that anymore. And Teddy, as much as it sucks, you're also right about not trusting people. That's a lesson I've had to learn more than once.

@ Mishanya - I've considered adoption, but it is not the right choice for me. What if I'm doing wonderful 10 years from now? I couldn't live with knowing I'm here with a great life and I've left a child out there wondering what is wrong with him or why he isn't good enough. As tragic as this situation is, I don't believe it is tragic enough for that. Not to mention, that the timing is crazy. I can't help but feel like this little boy is meant to be here.

@ cmacattack1 - please believe me when I say I make no excuses for what I did. I couldn't believe what I had done when my head cleared the next day, and the extremity of how far I went is what made me realize that something was wrong. Hence the pregnancy test. I never thought for a second that what I did was ok, no excuses being spun there.. it was wrong, wrong and wrong. As far as my birthday, I was actually surprised at the dinner. I would have been happy if he had just come home and spent the time with me. A big hooplah surely wasn't necessary. And yes, he was wonderful for my daughter. He brought an invaluable awareness to her about herself that she did not possess previously. And she is a much happier child in life today because of it. Unfortunately, her own father was unable to do these things for her (and still can't) and as a result he was a very important male role model in her life. My daughter was never exposed to our drama - I worked very hard at keeping it that way after what she has been through. She takes away and still puts into practice the good things he left her with.

It's very easy for me to become bitter, and one of my goals is not to do that, or slam or belittle him as being a **** up. His good outweighed his bad immensely. He battled his own demons as we all do and it was never anything I held against him. I am far from perfect. We were always a solace to each other and at the end of the day, whatever the circumstance, we were in each others arms. And it was nice to be loved and not judged, as God knows, there is something wrong with everyone. How could this be secure and be home if you had to face so many of the hardships life throws at you on a daily basis when you finally got to your safe haven?

I don't know guys, maybe it just wasn't meant to last. Maybe I should just take away the good and leave it at that. I feel that my baby is a gift, and in the end, it will be his loss. I sent that email 3 days ago and have felt better since. I have my moments, but it is helping me to have a plan and stay busy and focused on the many things I have before me to do. I'm trying to be really strong without turning bitter and hating. All of the replies from every single one of you has helped me regain some sort of focus. And believe it or not it's been very supportive as I've been going through all of this alone. I can't thank you guys enough, and feel free to keep it coming... GIVE ME STRENGTH!!

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry if I missed this, but what kind of resources do you have to raise a child? You can't even seem to control yourself, how are you ever going to be responsible for a child?

Do you have a stable job? Are you in school? What are you planning to do with your life?

[alwaystryin]

Indie, I'm not sure on what basis you've decided I am unable to control myself. I had a terrible outburst and I was completely in the wrong. And yes, it was downright abusive behavior. I scared the shit out of myself replaying the whole thing over on my head, I can't imagine how he must have felt. However, I don't think it would be right for someone to look at one incident in my life and label me as out of control. Was I at the time? Absolutely. But it was the fact that it was so completely out of character and the end result of my actions that had me lying on the couch going "What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!" I was thinking about what I did, thinking about how weird I'd been feeling for the past few weeks, and that made me consider purchasing the pregnancy test. If it hadn't of happened, I never would have bought one. This all happened a month after I got pregnant, not even enough time for me to miss a period yet. (I was 4 1/2 weeks when I took the test). In early pregnancy, your hormones are not stable. The build up of my frustration from the weeks prior along with being seriously wasted along with being pregnant is what enabled me to posses so little self control at that time. IT WAS NOT NORMAL FOR ME TO BEHAVE THAT WAY.

And as far as being responsible for a child, my daughter would blow you away. She is going into 4th grade and reads at college level, is gifted both musically and artistically - she paints still life on canvas that would knock your socks of. Art historians have said she has a gift that cannot be taught. She is an honor student every year. She has many friends and is a very well rounded girl. I work hard to keep her stimulated and thinking. She soaks up knowledge like a sponge and it is important to me that she does not lose her curiosity about things and her love of learning. I encouraging her to be a leader and not follow, to think for herself regardless of which way the herd moves. Her teachers every year find her an absolute joy to teach and share their time with. She is a gift beyond anything I could ever have imagined in my life. Her happiness, health and well being is crucially important to me. And I have no problem telling you or anyone else I have been a wonderful mother to her and I am proud of myself for it as well. Nor do I doubt my ability to be just as wonderful a mother to this little boy on the way.

As far as work, I am a certified civil servant and have been at my job for over 6 years. I am by no means rich, but we get by just fine without help from anyone else. I'm also happy to say that I am a hard worker as well and have not turned into a typical 'city slacker' as so many civil servants have. I am not currently in school, I went to high school for 4 years with excellent grades but left quickly with a GED to pursue a music career (music is my passion in life..) and went on to another school to earn a degree in recording, engineering and production, again with excellent grades. Unfortunately, soon after I graduated, my younger brother was diagnosed with cancer so I moved home to help him and my family. (Yes, my brother made it to remission and is here and healthy today). I took a mediocre job close to home so I could be there instead of going off to intern at any one of a handful of studios throwing job offers at me that would have kept me from home at all hours. The music industry makes for a very unstable lifestyle when starting out, lots of networking and being 'out there' is required. My father was a record producer... Maybe our responses got crossed in the posting, but as you can read above I want to and always have wanted to go to college. I think this will be the perfect opportunity for me to do so.

And when it comes to what am I going to do with my life? I am living it and that is all I can do, learning and trying to make the best of things along the way. I'm a learning machine baby...

[alwaystryin]

I'm not sure how much this matters, but as a side note, I'm 34 and he is 30...

[IndiReloaded]

Hi rainman - what led up to my terrible behavior (which I saw clearly after the fact..) was that I was hurt, really drunk and most importantly pregnant without knowing I was pregnant. My emotions were absolutely all over the place and not in control. I suffer from PMS, but early pregnancy trumps that by a thousand as far as emotional instability. Add a night of drinking and pain and... It isn't like me, I've never behaved so terribly to someone. The combination of the above things turned me into a bomb. I readily admitted to that and apologized profusely for it. I truly feel terrible for what I did. Certainly it wasn't worth the consequences. I feel so bad for the way he must have felt and I felt like a total idiot and loser when the reality of what happened that night hit me. My actions were just horrible. It's part of why the timing is so horrible. If I'd known I was pregnant just a little sooner, I never would have went out drinking and I know he would have come home on Mother's Day. Even if things were going to end, they shouldn't have ended the way they did. My daughter was not home when this occurred. And he'd never done anything like that before, he made my birthday the year before the best I ever had.

Hi Alwaystrying, sorry I didn't read your first post all the way to the end and this^ one answered the questions I was asking. I was wondering if your daughter was home when you lost it (I see no) and why you would go drinking if you knew you were pregnant (you didn't).

I'm not really sure how to advise you on this one, I find your story confusing TBH.

Have you simply tried to apologize to him for your outburst? It was pretty bad what you did, but it sounds like he's got his own issues as well. As for breaking communication completely, that's not a good idea if you both want to be involved in this child's life.

EDIT - okay read a bit more closely.

It does seem weird that he's not trying to contact you at all. How long were you together? Its almost as if he was looking for an excuse to bail. What was your relationship like before your outburst? Was it completely out of character for you or were you two always somewhat on edge?

[alwaystryin]

Any contact we have had ends with him telling and me crying and shaking. I can count on one hand the number of times he has called me yet it was never once to talk about our relationship or what happened. If he picked up when I called - which is rare - he answers the phone with "What's the drama? What's the problem now?" As I'm nothing more than some big inconvenience to him. And yes, sometimes I feel like he was going to leave and I saved him the trouble and did it for him.

I'd say the last three weeks of our relationship were out of character for both of us, yet I'm not sure what to think of that because from experience I know that when I get pregnant (before I know), I feel WEIRD. Can't really describe it, just off. So I don't know if I'm making things worse or things seem worse just to me, or if things got bad because of me or if things were getting bad already. And since he won't talk to me at all about what happened, I have NO IDEA how HE feels or what was happening with him or what was going on in his head at the time. We had just gone through a period of stress with him getting all of his shit together and I thought it was finally time to relax and be happy. I can say that breaking up was the last thing I foresaw.

I don't think anyone is more confused than me. I don't get it. I did apologize numerous times for my outburst and to no avail. As far as no contact, I just can't anymore right now. I've been beaten down at every attempt to communicate with him and I can't take the stress. I got sick last week and I knew it was the stress that put me down. So I've decided for my health that I simply cannot deal with him for a while. And if he really wants nothing to do with me during the pregnancy (which has become obvious at this point), then I feel I have to stop trying in vain. All I'm getting is stressed out and sick. I've exhausted my resources, I don't know what else to do.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, you've apologized and if hes not willing to extend an olive branch in return there isn't much you can do except wait. How long were you together for?

[alwaystryin]

Indi, we were together for two years.

He called me today about 10 times!!! I don't know what to do now. He left messages and sent texts saying he loves me and he thinks we should try to work it out. And I've just spent the last two weeks hardening myself like steel to get strong and get through this. After 4 months of agony and being ignored and hurt he calls out of the blue.

I called him back, he sounded totally depressed, he cried twice, he said he felt bad about not seeing my daughter and he loves me and on and on and on. And I felt.... weird. A part of me doesn't trust this. He said there was a lot to talk about and we needed to meet in person. I had to stop him from coming tonight. He's coming tomorrow.

This is really overwhelming. Working things out means starting over. And starting over means not having resentments. I don't feel very trusting right now. I'd appreciate any advice. I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow...

[IndiReloaded]

My instincts say he had another woman on the side and maybe they had a fight? I hope I'm wrong, but it would explain his hot/cold behaviour.

Be careful. Something smells wrong about all this. You know it.

[asdfg789]

My instincts say he had another woman on the side and maybe they had a fight? I hope I'm wrong, but it would explain his hot/cold behaviour.
Be careful. Something smells wrong about all this. You know it.

I hope I'm wrong but I think the same.

If you guys are sitting down to talk tomorrow, at some point make sure to tell him how he made you feel (disappointment, rejection etc) during the leadup to the blowup and ask him why he behaved that way. Observe him when he answers to sense if
a. he is genuinely sorry for hurting you
b. he is lying about the cause of his actions

It is going to be a tricky situation. Good luck !!

[nov13]

He did wrong by not showing love on your bday. The crazy thing is, there is a possibility he could of done it because he was upset at you for something like: maybe he feels neglected and is doing this to get your attention. It could be he is cheating. But, you should have tried to understand why he did what he did. Getting upset that he doesn't show his love for you is normal, but you betrayed him:

When the police came and asked me if I wanted him to leave I was so angry I said yes. MY BIGGEST MISTAKE.

You had him removed like he was some kind of intruder. You sided with others against him. You should NEVER do that.

Even if he is wrong, acknowledge he is wrong, but ALWAYS be on his side.

This shows him that you love him, and you wouldn't betray him even in the hardest of times.

[alwaystryin]

nov - You are correct. It is something I will never do again.

Ok guys, so it went well. I spent the whole day convincing myself to remain mostly quiet and let him do the talking. I was very wary and didn't know what to expect. And I needed to gauge whether he was genuine in his being here and that there wasn't some kind of motive behind it. I also had A LOT of mixed feelings because I love him very much but am also very hurt. So I also decided not to expect anything and have an open mind.

He called me earlier to let me know he was coming and he wanted to bring some food to cook so I had something to bring to work for lunch during the week. I said that would be okay and then he added that he's not staying overnight. (One of the decisions I'd made was that I didn't want him to stay over so this saved me the trouble of having to bring it up myself..). I said that was fine. When I got home, I kept myself busy, started some laundry, made dinner for my daughter and I and we ate. He arrived after we finished dinner.

My daughter was very excited that he came, they spent some time together playing a video game and playing a little ball. I put her to bed and then he cooked the meal, everything was very calm. He sat down and told me that he wants to be here for me and the baby. I asked him what happened to his girlfriend. He said he lied about having a girlfriend because "I was trying to get you to forget about me." I told him that would be difficult seeing as how I'm pregnant with his son. He said he's been staying at a friend's house since he left here. That he wants to get along and work things out. I asked him if he was finished twisting the knife and he apologized and said he didn't mean to cause me pain. He also told me his friend is moving so he's moving to his mother's house next week.

We sat together and talked a bit more. I did tell him that he hurt me badly and that I was still angry at him. He apologized and I apologized to him as well. He did some talking about the future but I told him I wasn't ready to think so far into the future right now. He said he knows that I'm going to need help when I go back to work and again that he wants to be here to do that. He said he wants to start being here more often now and he also wants to be able to spend time with my daughter. When we spoke on the phone the night before it was one of the things he broke down about, that he hasn't been around for her. (As a side note, I asked her how she felt about him coming back and I got an emphatic "Yes!". She was very happy he came and very disappointed that he wasn't staying over - this surprised me a little bit..). He said I can always call him when I need anything and he will help. All in all, his spoken desires were noble.

As far as the unspoken, I believe he was being genuine. Actually, knowing him, I can say he was genuine. I could tell he was depressed and sad about the situation. I could tell that he was hurt as well. I could tell that he really was sorry. I could tell that he missed us and he missed being here. I didn't push him for explanations but at one point he did look at me straight up and say "I ran away." He said he has trouble sleeping and he just lays there thinking about us, and wondering if we're okay and wondering what would happen if something happened to me and not knowing how the baby is, etc. He said he wants to be here.

I do want to work things out. I want my family back together. I felt like we were on the same wavelength but being equally cautious. Things went very slowly. No pressure. I didn't tell him of my plan to go back to school. I think he is under the impression that I will take maternity leave for a few months and go back to work. But I don't want to change my plans and I think I need to be able to continue on a path of self-sufficiency, educate myself and so on. This way nothing I do is dependent on how he feels. If he's there to help me out, then great. If not, less of a loss. I think we both want things to continue to develop very slowly but I sensed he has a lot of fear in him. I'm sure he doesn't want to be hurt again. Also, I think he feels as much as I do that he needs to sort himself out before he can really offer himself up for more. He knew he messed up.

We ended the night with a hug. A nice long one, which after 3 months with no hugs, for me at least, was practically therapeutic. We were both in tears after that but not too bad. I told him he can come to the sonogram I have scheduled next week. He asked if he could come by earlier in the week and take my daughter to the beach while there was still some summer left, I said okay. And that was that...

I was proud of myself for sticking to my guns as far as letting him do the talking. Normally the situation is opposite. I don't believe he fully comprehends how much he actually hurt me or what is was like to go through 4 months of pregnancy in the state it put me in. I'm not sure how much I should push the issue or how much I should let the past remain in the past. But I do believe he was being truthful. I think slow is definitely the way to go...

Any advice? Insight? I remain cautious.

[asdfg789]

It's good that you are feeling better about the whole thing.

I'm still curious about the cause of his behaviour up to the point of his sudden return.

You cannot rule out that it was indeed another woman. If it is now over and he realizes that you are the one for him, it may be fine and good but
it would be better if he comes clean about it.

Just my 0.02 ...

[alwaystryin]

I agree, and we definitely need to talk more. We'll see if he can't maintain his new found openness. I do need to know what happened. I understand running away, but I feel like there had to have been some event or some turning point at which he started to give up or something. He started drifting apart..