Is this unforgivable?

[aic7780]

Why do you still want to be with her when she's proven herself to be a selfish b*tch?

I just broke up with my boyfriend and I have a b*tchy friend who says that I was too nice to him. She said that boys respect b*tchy girls and those are the ones that they moon after. I personally think she spends too much time smelling her own sh*t, but when I read what you're writing it seems to make her point valid. -_-

Obviously, I still have feelings for her. Four years together is a long time to be with someone to just forget about everything. Basically I'd like to hear from her, and I like for her to acknowledge what she did is terrible. Like I've been saying at this point I do not know if I want her back as my girlfriend. She should be the one to initiate contact, right?

[LailaK]

I can't give you advice on this so I'll leave this to someone else. i prefer to cut toxic individuals out of my life and move on.

[Nea]

I think that this is forgivable. She felt unattended to and lonely during this time. Now you had a good reason to be ignoring her so she should have understood, but maybe she was just insecure and felt you did not care. I would go back to her and prove that you do care but that some things need to come first at certain times.

[Twiz]

She should have respected, encouraged, and supported you with your goals, dreams, and future rather than selfishly believing that you should have focused more (and essentially) specifically on her.

[aic7780]

I think that this is forgivable. She felt unattended to and lonely during this time. Now you had a good reason to be ignoring her so she should have understood, but maybe she was just insecure and felt you did not care. I would go back to her and prove that you do care but that some things need to come first at certain times.

Ideally, I'd like to speak again. I do feel it is on her to make things right. It's going on 1 month of not speaking to each other. I don't know if she feels bad about what she did and wants to talk but is shy, whether she hates me and we are done for good, or whether she wants me to initiate contact. As I mentioned I think it is on her to initiate the contact since she broke things off so abruptly.

[fi123]

aic7780 with my boyfriend, who dumped me because i wasn't giving him enough of my time because i was working 6 or 7 days a week, i think i have decided that i will apologise to him in an email in a while for neglecting him. Even though i had no other choice but to work so much and you could therefore say he should have understood, i do think it gets to some people, not all, when they feel neglected in a relationship even though it may be an unavoidable situation.

I spoke to an online relationship counsellor yesterday about my situation and i said to him "but if someone really loves you wouldn't they just stay with you whatever? because i would. and he said yes you would and i probably would too, but not everybody is the same, not everybody reacts to situations in the same way, some people can handle certain situations, some people can't, whether that situation is unavoidable or whatever". He advised me that to sort out my situation with my debts, either work lots till xmas like i had originally planned and then cut down or see if i can reorganise my debts now so i can work less and pay them off a little longer. So i said but if i wait till xmas he may just meet someone else, so he said yes that's a risk but if he loves you enough he would stick around.

Personally i don't want to wait till xmas with my fingers crossed that he might not find someone else, so i plan to send the email in a couple of weeks. Even though i don't think it's my place to apologise i still will.

this is the email that i plan to send:-

"I am sending you this email because i wanted to offer you a profound apology for allowing you to feel that you were on your own in our relationship. I don't expect you to forgive me and you are under no obligation to do so. But regardless of whether you forgive me or not i know it was wrong of me to expect you to be in a relationship with me in those circumstances and i am sincerely sorry i made you feel neglected and on your own and that you had no control over things. I want to stress that this was never due to lack of feeling on my part towards you or because you were not a priority in my life. I do understand that there is a credibility gap because you have never seen me in normal work mode and might imagine that i am a workaholic with a primary need to amass copious amounts of money, but this is quite simply untrue. I do understand your position and i feel you are right about what is needed to make a relationship work.

I have had a chance to reassess since we split up what i am doing to my own life at the moment working so much and i have given some thought to the possibility of paying off my debts in a different way for my own sake so that i can get a life back. A couple of days ago i spoke to the cccs and told them that i would no longer be able to pay back my credit cards at the rate i have been paying them because i had a big tax bill to pay in January 2011 and i was not able to keep working 6 or 7 days a week for my own sanity and they have reworked my budget to a lower payment.
I also spoke to the inland revenue to tell them it was possible that i would not be able to pay all of my tax bill then and they have agreed i can pay my tax bill in instalments that are manageable with me working 5 days a week.
I wish to thank you for planting the seed in my mind that my current working pattern, which i was totally and utterly convinced was my only option in my financial situation, was perhaps not my only option.

I have informed the managers at *********** that i will be finishing my saturdays with them and the manager at ******** that i will be finishing my sundays with them at the end of september.

I hope you had a nice time in**** and that you, *** and *** are well.

If there is any way we could keep the lines of communication open i would like that.

Kindest regards,

****"


Of course this is specific to my situation and the circumstances and reasons for our split. Of course i don't know whether your gf finished things because of the lack of attention you were giving her or because she just wanted to end things anyway, but i guess it is possible it just got to her the lack of attention and she started to feel less close to you and unimportant.

[aic7780]

aic7780 with my boyfriend, who dumped me because i wasn't giving him enough of my time because i was working 6 or 7 days a week, i think i have decided that i will apologise to him in an email in a while for neglecting him. Even though i had no other choice but to work so much and you could therefore say he should have understood, i do think it gets to some people, not all, when they feel neglected in a relationship even though it may be an unavoidable situation.

I spoke to an online relationship counsellor yesterday about my situation and i said to him "but if someone really loves you wouldn't they just stay with you whatever? because i would. and he said yes you would and i probably would too, but not everybody is the same, not everybody reacts to situations in the same way, some people can handle certain situations, some people can't, whether that situation is unavoidable or whatever". He advised me that to sort out my situation with my debts, either work lots till xmas like i had originally planned and then cut down or see if i can reorganise my debts now so i can work less and pay them off a little longer. So i said but if i wait till xmas he may just meet someone else, so he said yes that's a risk but if he loves you enough he would stick around.

Personally i don't want to wait till xmas with my fingers crossed that he might not find someone else, so i plan to send the email in a couple of weeks. Even though i don't think it's my place to apologise i still will.

this is the email that i plan to send:-

"I am sending you this email because i wanted to offer you a profound apology for allowing you to feel that you were on your own in our relationship. I don't expect you to forgive me and you are under no obligation to do so. But regardless of whether you forgive me or not i know it was wrong of me to expect you to be in a relationship with me in those circumstances and i am sincerely sorry i made you feel neglected and on your own and that you had no control over things. I want to stress that this was never due to lack of feeling on my part towards you or because you were not a priority in my life. I do understand that there is a credibility gap because you have never seen me in normal work mode and might imagine that i am a workaholic with a primary need to amass copious amounts of money, but this is quite simply untrue. I do understand your position and i feel you are right about what is needed to make a relationship work.

I have had a chance to reassess since we split up what i am doing to my own life at the moment working so much and i have given some thought to the possibility of paying off my debts in a different way for my own sake so that i can get a life back. A couple of days ago i spoke to the cccs and told them that i would no longer be able to pay back my credit cards at the rate i have been paying them because i had a big tax bill to pay in January 2011 and i was not able to keep working 6 or 7 days a week for my own sanity and they have reworked my budget to a lower payment.
I also spoke to the inland revenue to tell them it was possible that i would not be able to pay all of my tax bill then and they have agreed i can pay my tax bill in instalments that are manageable with me working 5 days a week.
I wish to thank you for planting the seed in my mind that my current working pattern, which i was totally and utterly convinced was my only option in my financial situation, was perhaps not my only option.

I have informed the managers at *********** that i will be finishing my saturdays with them and the manager at ******** that i will be finishing my sundays with them at the end of september.

I hope you had a nice time in**** and that you, *** and *** are well.

If there is any way we could keep the lines of communication open i would like that.

Kindest regards,

****"


Of course this is specific to my situation and the circumstances and reasons for our split. Of course i don't know whether your gf finished things because of the lack of attention you were giving her or because she just wanted to end things anyway, but i guess it is possible it just got to her the lack of attention and she started to feel less close to you and unimportant.

I don't think she wanted to end things, I think it was because of the whole "lack of attention". I was still seeing her pretty much everyday just studying while I was with her. She is a very needy person though. Just prior to all this happening we were talking about getting engaged, looked at rings, she showed me the dress she wanted online, possible venues etc...

Has your ex-bf made any effort to contact you? I think you should stay no contact for a while before sending that email.

[fi123]

No he has not contacted me yet but we've only been split up two days and i know yesterday he went down on the train with his two children to go and stay with his parents for a few days (he always goes there this time of year). To be honest i don't think he would contact me in the near future because as far as he is concerned unless my work situation changes there is no future for our relationship so i don't think he would see the point. So i think the impetus is upon me to do something.

Maybe you should just try and apologise to her, not in the way of i'm sorry but it was because of this or this and i couldn't help it, but in a way that it comes across that you are saying sorry whatever the outcome of that apology might be, in such a way that it comes across that you have no expectations of any particular outcome by giving her that apology, just that you want to offer her an apology full stop.

I know it sucks we have to apologise when we don't think we did anything wrong, and we don't and shouldn't apologise in a way that makes us look needy in any way, but i guess that's just relationships...we have to swalllow our pride sometimes to make things right.

And i wouldn't suggest about getting back together or even meeting up at this point either...too much pressure on her....just maybe say something like i am planning to do at the end of my email about just asking to keep the lines of communication open with her for the time being so at least it's something to build on.

[adam95]

Obviously, I still have feelings for her. Four years together is a long time to be with someone to just forget about everything. Basically I'd like to hear from her, and I like for her to acknowledge what she did is terrible. Like I've been saying at this point I do not know if I want her back as my girlfriend. She should be the one to initiate contact, right?

yeah 4 years isn't short and your feelings won't just disappear but don't forget, she messed it all up. i don't think you should initiate contact at all. she has to do it. if she's really guilty and wants to get back with you, a little shyness won't stop her.
if she does initiate contact with you then i'd say meet up, considering you still have feelings for her. But if you do decide to get back together then you have to somehow clear it up that nothing like this should ever happen again.

[fi123]

Two people being stubborn doesn't save a relationship though does it?

And if she feels you neglected her (even tho you couldn't help it) maybe she thinks it up to you to make contact. And if you don't contact her either then how can things be resolved?

I also think from what you have said earlier that you have implied to her parents that it will be her fault if you don't pass your exams. Think about that from her point of view, she now feels totally that not only were you not meeting her needs, neither do you acknowledge her needs never mind try and meet them and are laying a guilt trip on her too. She can't help what her needs are and you are blaming her for feeling that way by saying it will be her fault if you don't pass your exam.

[aic7780]

Two people being stubborn doesn't save a relationship though does it?

And if she feels you neglected her (even tho you couldn't help it) maybe she thinks it up to you to make contact. And if you don't contact her either then how can things be resolved?

Agreed, but I think after what happened she should step up. Something has to happen, do two people in a relationship that long just stop talking like that? Prior to this we've never went a day without speaking.

[aic7780]

yeah 4 years isn't short and your feelings won't just disappear but don't forget, she messed it all up. i don't think you should initiate contact at all. she has to do it. if she's really guilty and wants to get back with you, a little shyness won't stop her.
if she does initiate contact with you then i'd say meet up, considering you still have feelings for her. But if you do decide to get back together then you have to somehow clear it up that nothing like this should ever happen again.

I hear you. It has gotten easier over the past few weeks but I still miss her. I would hope she misses me too.

[ShannonMI]

I feel like if she contacts you, you need to explain how BIG she messed up. Tell her how incredibly selfish she was for doing what she did. She's got to know she screwed up. Maybe she'll apologize, but I feel like this type of behavior of hers will continue. Maybe she's just a very needy person. How is she going to deal when you become a lawyer and you are working long hours? This problem will continue to resurface. Even if she's sorry now for what she did, she may give you a hard time in the future. Are you going to want to deal with that? 4 years is a long time to be with someone and if you still have strong feelings for her, it's going to be hard to just stop them. It's a difficult situation. She broke up with you, right? I just don't think this needy behavior of hers will go away. That may be her nature. She may need a lot of attention. Will you always be able to give it to her?

[fi123]

did you read the last bit of my last post aic7780 i just edited it? Well at the end of the days it's up to you to do what you think is best. But if things go on for too long she will find somebody else, but then maybe you will too. and i honestly think that telling her how she screwed up is not going to help, she still will feel you weren't meeting her needs. Sometimes what we feel like saying to someone because we feel like we have been badly treated really doesn't help the situation. Most relationships i think end because of a lack of good communication and a build up of resentment, and because you rant and rave at someone because they did you wrong, it's not necessarily good communication, and doesn't always help.

[fi123]

do two people in a relationship that long just stop talking like that? Prior to this we've never went a day without speaking.

You're no longer in a relationship..it doesn't matter how long you were together