I'm currently sitting one chair away from my ex boyfriend at the company we both work at. We broke up three days ago -- after having a fight, I walked out. He said he loved me, that he'd miss me, and was crying and hurt. We agreed to talk more tomorrow, as emotions were running too high. The next day, after I'd had a day off from work and he'd come home, he contacted me on messenger. I asked if I could call so we could talk and he dodged me with claims that he was cooking. When I told him I'd missed him, he said 'I'm sorry'.
Hurt, I asked if he'd missed me too. He confessed that he had missed me a 'little bit', but believed that breaking up was the right thing to do. He claimed that, after analysing his feelings, he'd realized that he did not love me romantically and only loved me as a friend.
I was devastated, as he'd done this to me before. Five months ago, I ended up in hospital and asked him to come and be at my side. He refused, citing that it wasn't his place because he'd realized he didn't care about me in the way he used to. I was a complete wreck, and he turned off his phone and refused to communicate all weekend. The next three weeks were agony, with him acting as friendly as could be; smiling, laughing and joking with the team and acting for all the world as though a huge weight had risen from his shoulders and his life was now better. I'd spent the enite time drifting in and out of tears, with my boss and one of my colleagues acting as emotional support for me. I couldn't understand how someone who had previously been so loving and so caring (who told me that he'd loved me, that I was beautiful, and was for all the world the sweetest man I'd ever dated) could possibly be so cold now. How could someone like that just switch his feelings off, or, allow both he and I to continue through a relationship for weeks while his love dwindled away to nothing?
Eventually, after those three weeks, he came back to me and confessed he'd missed me and that he hadn't ceased to love me; only that he'd been hurt and wasn't sure if he had the strength to work at our relationship. Apparently, telling me he felt nothing had been kinder, so I wouldn't live on false hope. Unfortunately I had done; each smile and each laugh had been analysed and cross referenced and had been agony. Despite the warnings of my family, friends and boss, I took my ex back on the promise that he would never allow himself to fail to address doubts like that again -- that he would always warn me if he was worried in that way.
And now, a month before we hit our year anniversary, he has done it to me again. This time, it's different; before he'd cut off all communication and claimed he felt nothing. This time, he'd asked to be my friend -- said he still cared about me. I was the one to cut communication, terrified that I would live those three weeks in complete turmoil again. During our original breakup, I lost eight pounds and developed chronic stomach pains that lasted for two months afterward, even when he and I got back together. I've already lost three pounds in two days despite my decision to cut him out of my life. I refused to be his friend, and he expressed disappointment, saying that he was 'sorry I saw things that way'. I can't for the life of me think of how else I could 'see things' -- it's impossible to cease loving an ex if you continue to spend time with them.
I'm back at work now, and it's the same as before. He smiles at me, jokes with his colleagues and laughs -- he acts as though nothing has happened. I feel like I'm the only one hurt, and that he truly has had the time in the previous weeks to get over me romantically and I'm the only one screaming inside. I don't want to think about things or analyse them -- I just want to get away. Some part of me, though, keeps thinking about things; it keeps wondering how someone who had asked me down to see his parents at the weekend, someone who had sent special loving messages and someone who had cried for me could now out and say that they only cared for me as a friend. That part of me wants to believe that he's pretending again, that this is just a defense he puts up around himself. I don't want to live in the hope that that's the case, though; I could be waiting months for a man who has broken my heart and abandoned me in the same way twice. I could end up waiting for someone who is truly telling the truth -- someone that doesn't love me in the way I want anymore and never will.
I've resigned from my job, but I still have to work my leave. For two and a half weeks I have to sit a seat away from him and pretend I'm okay while he laughs and jokes and gets on with his life. We haven't had any contact outside of work since the breakup, and I've been torn apart inside. I'm still so in love that it feels like a dagger to the chest every time he so much as talks to someone. I'm no longer able to know more about him than anybody else -- his colleagues know his plans better than I do. I desperately want to accept his offer of friendship just so we can have some closeness, but I know that it would destroy me.
If nothing else, I know he must be lonely. He moved down to my city for the job and I was his only friend here. It's not enough, though, just to know that he's missing a friend. I wish he would hurt for me or, if he's really hurting -- I wish he would show it instead of choosing to tear me apart instead. Knowingly or unknowingly, it feels like the cruellest thing he could possibly do to me. I will never be able to cherish the memories of our times together because I will always know, in the back of my mind, that he didn't love me in the way he said during them. I can never cherish our loving times because they were false.
I don't know how I'm going to survive these two weeks. Sometimes all I can do is sit there and swallow to keep from bursting into tears. My boss has been understanding, but I can't take up so much of his time again -- I felt so guilty last time. I can talk to my friend outside of work, but it doesn't help the panic and pain I feel while I'm sitting here. I'm completely unproductive and I'm in pain. I don't know how I'm going to survive these weeks.
Most recent development: Went outside on my lunchbreak to talk to my friend and relieve some stress. I ended up crying a little bit; my ex wandered out of the building and got into his taxi. The taxi began moving slowly out of the drive. My ex looked at me, and saw me crying. He looked, then looked at the driver, and then allowed the driver to keep going. After getting back into the building I saw a little, cheery 'have a nice weekend everyone!!!' message sent from him to our team. He's never, not in the history of working at the building, done something like that. I can't help but feel it was written to get my attention and indicate how he's in such high spirits.
I feel like such a fool. I'm okay when I'm not at work, but sitting here -- it kills me. I can't think, I can't work; not with him sitting right in front of me. Switching desks isn't an option, as it's one big building and everybody can see everybody. I just have to ride out these two weeks, but it's seeming impossible right now. Today is worse than yesterday.
Does anyone have any advice on how to cope?