Help my GF has SERIOUS rape fantasies.

[MarkB]

First sorry my post is so long. I REALLY need perspective on this....

we've been dating for about 5 months. Ill preface by saying shes a wonderful girl. Shes not a throw-away shes just a little intense sexually. Shes 24, im 27. Since we started dating, she's wanted the sex to be rougher. Its taking a toll on me and its straining our relationship because what she wants isnt just rough sex. She calls it rape fantasy. In my mind, its more like just violent sex. She's getting more dissatisfied sexually and I think I could actually lose her over it. She told me her Ex didn't have a problem with it (that type of sex) and compares us which I dont like. Mostly, because her ex also beat her up...and not during sex.. I was there to pick up the peices and Id always liked that she appreciated that I wasn't anything like him that I was gentle. So its a shock of sorts that now in this aspect of our relationship, she wants violence from me. To be more like him basically. Im all for passionate sex, or a little roughness in the heat of the moment. And at first, she was happy with that. But im at a crossroads now because she wants more than that. She wants me to throw her around, hold her down, hit her (as in the face), yell at her, choke her etc.

Weve been going back and forth about this and Im exhausted. Shes a great woman besides this, and Id like to get to a compromise I can handle. Ill just list out how the arguments for both sides go down.

HER: (based on everything she has ever said), is, that her ex did it, and Im bigger than him so why is it a problem for me. ME: Im not her ex. I think he was just violent in general. Im not. HER: She wants it, so why is it a big deal. ME: Even if her mind wants it, Id still be hurting her body, how do I know shes going to climax and how can I possibly enjoy it with that in my mind. HER: What kind of man (referring to me), turns this type of thing down. How masculine can a man (referring to me) really be if they dont like this type of thing. What's the point in being stronger if you aren't going to use it. ME: its not erotic its exhausting, because I cant just enjoy our sex. I have to attempt to give her what she wants, all while making sure it stays safe. Its alot to do at one time. HER: You cant go overboard. ME: uh, yea, I could. Haven't you noticed our size difference? ..........HER: She compares alot of my manhood (or lack thereof) to whether or not I like it and can do it to her. ME: I am stronger than her, its a given. Why do I have to prove it? From my perspective, its not erotic. Its abusive. It makes me no better than her ex. I dont need it to enjoy her and I dont feel manly by beating up on her.

Once we went out for drinks awhile back. I didnt know until we got home that she was assuming if I were drunk it would be easier for me. She started out playing with me, play pushing. I went along with it at first because I thought it would stay light, but she kept pushing me away when I tried to kiss her. At one point she slapped me. It shocked me really which is why i stopped and stared at her. And i could tell by her facial expression it excited her that I might react. The whole thing really weirded me out. Her ex was an alcoholic so I dont even want to know their dynamic. I think she has the impression that any guy will hit her if she provokes them. I didnt pause because I was planning to smack her, I was just in shock that she hit me. She misread this and slapped me again and I had no choice but to hold her down because she'd have kept doing it. She was really riled up at that point because she thought i was going to force myself on her and she said she wanted me to smack her in return and 'take her' while she struggled. I ended up just letting go of her and leaving for a walk.

Ive started really looking at myself over this. After that blowup, I told her Id try because I really dont want to lose her. So we were in foreplay and as she requested I threw her around a little and lightly smacked her face. For me it was the first time Id ever hit a girl. She told me it wasn't enough she wanted me to be rougher and hit her harder and I just completely lost my erection. I mean, what she's asking is that I flat out beat her up really, not just 'play along'. She blamed herself that she wasn't attractive enough and I tried telling her that wasn't it at all, then she brought up my masculinity again. its just alot for me mentally. She doesn't understand this. I think she needs counseling for some underlying problem she has. She thinks Im repressing her sexuality and that im not a real man. What do other people think? Am I just being a whimp? Am I repressing her? or does she just have issues? I think if I could get away with just playing along lightly I could manage, but Im just not prepared to go as far as she wants. If i did she'd definitely get bruised up. What about when were not having sex? How is that fun? or sexy? I dont want people seeing my girlfriend with marks all over her (and neither do I). I need perspective on this.

[vashti]

There is something wrong with her. You are not obligated to partake of any sexual behaviors that you aren't comfortable with, so why don't you get rid of her and find someone you are more compatible with?

[Riku]

Rape fantasies are very very common with women. Although I think the normal fantasy involves more of a feeling that the woman wants to be overpowered and to feel as if this man wants her so badly that he would force himself on her, it's more of a fantasy about being desired in that way I think. Your girlfriend on the other hand is into some severe S&M. You either are the type who is into it or you're not. You definitely aren't and shouldn't be forcing yourself to do this. It goes beyond making sure she is satisfied to her asking you to change the way you see sex. Don't do it, you aren't comfortable with it. If she can't tone it down I think you both need to find someone more compatible.

[dewilliams2]

I agree with both Vash and Riku...

You shouldn't have to do anything your not comfortable with.

With that said, its not as rare as you'd think....both my past two gfs wanted me to put my hand on their neck while I was on top of them...not squeezing down but just giving the feeling that I could if I wanted to....my last gf liked to be tied up and ****ed...she also liked to be smacked in the face (lightly)...my current gf also likes being tied up and when I'm doing her from behind loves me to smack her ass pretty hard...its usually a pink color when I'm done...fades in an hour or so....so its not that uncommon

[kitkitkitty]

what kind of man turns this type of thing down? uh, one that doesn't want to be a sodding woman beater.

[Jinxx]

Dude wtf is wrong with you if she wants to Rape you Let her lol but not too extreme like wen she beats u up or sumin ide love a chick rape me!

[kitkitkitty]

Dude wtf is wrong with you if she wants to Rape you Let her lol but not too extreme like wen she beats u up or sumin ide love a chick rape me!

...i have a slight problem with the use of 'rape' here. you're not supposed to enjoy it, people go to jail for doing that.
edit: rape IS the 'too extreme' cos you DON'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN. a rapist doesn't say 'oh dyu want me to do it hard or not'. it's the lack of choice that makes it such a terrifying experience.

[lahnnabell]

This girl has some psychological issues stemming from her possible abusive relationship with her ex. Either that, or she is clearly into sexual activities that you don't want to partake in. There is nothing wrong with that, but you have to call it like it is, and move on.

[MarkB]

she's started looking in other areas of our life for proof that I 'have it in me'. Because of the state of our sex life, she has started questioning me as to whether she is safe with me. As in, how can she know I would protect her if it came to that. She worries that if I can't 'even' get rough with her in bed, how can she know that I'd get rough period in her honor. I told her of course I would do anything to protect her If I had to she should never have to worry about that. To me that's entirely different. She wants me to prove it to her (that I'd protect her), by getting in a fight or something that would show her Im not a 'woman', and she could in turn let up a bit in the bedroom . I don't understand how she would feel safer with me if I hit her. To me It seems like she should feel less-safe with me if I hit her and to me, not being violent with her should earn me some respect from her. Even so, I can't help but feel my sense of masculinity withering a bit. I'm not egotistical, I'm just confused by her thinking

[vashti]

Dude, just get rid of her before she completely emasculates you. YOU are not the problem; she is.

[irrelevant_89]

Approved. This behaviour just reeks of psychological problems. She did have someone who abused her in the past, and because of that she seems to have associated men with violence, and is disappointed in you because you don't fit the bill. She probably needs help to overcome that trauma.

Or maybe she's just into S&M. Either way, it's probably best to stay away.

[lahnnabell]

she's started looking in other areas of our life for proof that I 'have it in me'. Because of the state of our sex life, she has started questioning me as to whether she is safe with me. As in, how can she know I would protect her if it came to that. She worries that if I can't 'even' get rough with her in bed, how can she know that I'd get rough period in her honor. I told her of course I would do anything to protect her If I had to she should never have to worry about that. To me that's entirely different. She wants me to prove it to her (that I'd protect her), by getting in a fight or something that would show her Im not a 'woman', and she could in turn let up a bit in the bedroom . I don't understand how she would feel safer with me if I hit her. To me It seems like she should feel less-safe with me if I hit her and to me, not being violent with her should earn me some respect from her. Even so, I can't help but feel my sense of masculinity withering a bit. I'm not egotistical, I'm just confused by her thinking

So, basically, she doesn't respect you at all because you don't "act" like a man, or whatever that means in her eyes. She's screwed up, and she's now screwing with you. Get out.

[MarkB]

WOW.... I definitely did not expect to hear that. Breaking up hadn't crossed my mind. The other parts of our relationship are great. She doesn't say this stuff all the time, just when we talk about sex. Definitely alot to chew on here.

[girl68]

Let me take a stab here and say she's never even begun to deal with the reprocussions of her abusive relationship with her ex. Her issues have stemmed from that.

You shouldn't have picked up the peices, she should have. Leave her to take care of her issues, she can't do it while you feed her "fantasies" (aka issues).

[MarkB]

What about just offering to get her counseling? I'm not convinced she would seek help on her own, and worse, I could see her getting with some guy who would gladly hurt her. That idea bothers me alot.