Feels Hopeless!

[BrownDog52469]

Is she cold toward the childred? Yes and No. She is generally a loving mother. She does however exhibit a selfish streak toward the children; not always, but more than I care to see. Over time I've concluded that she can be very selfish, immature and uncaring.

I believe she is content with the way things are. I believe she thinks this is how marriage should be; her parents have a miserable relationship, as do all of her siblings. I don't think she is pushing toward a divorce. She has never on her own expressed any disatisfaction with the marriage. She has, however, expressed disatisfaction over my helping a female friend with a divorce (I'm and attorney). This only came up during an arguement and I believe it was being used as excuse to deflect attention from the real issues. This friend and I have effectively a brother/sister relationship. Our only "contact" is a few e-mails here and there. It's purely platonic. Again, I believe this was used to deflect from the real issues. It shows the immaturity. I have explored this avenue with my counselor, and after much looking into it she dismissed it as not being an issue and was actually very ppositive that I was helping a friend.

Was it ever good? Eh.....there was romance. Looking back, there was never communication, companionship or friendship.

What happened over the last ten years? She became content with the same relationship that I found lonely and recently miserable. I' have reached my tiping point. She remains content. Otherwise no major problems. I honestly believe she feels that she has her nice home, her 2 beautiful children, a nice home and noo need to work. it's her "dream". Unfortunatly her dream doesn't include any companionship/friendship with ther husband. As I said her parents are this same way.

Does she have her own issues? She will never recognize it, but she has low self esteem. She has no friends and "talks" to noone (me included). She has pushed all of hefr friends away.

Yes, I believe that maybe I am finally seeing the writing on the wall. I resolved to do everything I could to save our marriage so that if it failed I could walk away knowing that I did all that I could for my childrens sake. I think i'm realizing I've done all that i can. It is very upsetting that she has done zero. It's very hard to come to terms with though. I get the impression from my counselor that she feels i've done all that i can....she seems to focus now on my happiness outside of the marriage (ie. the children, hobbies, ect) andcoming to terms with the situtation.

Thak you all so much for your insight!

[lahnnabell]

Was it ever good? Eh.....there was romance. Looking back, there was never communication, companionship or friendship.

Sadly, this quote right here makes a good percentage of this situation your own doing. Why did you not think that communication or companionship might be a important component in a marriage? Or did you just have no clue back then? At what age did you two meet, how long did you date, and how long before you got engaged?

[Charisma]

First off I commend you for putting a lot of time and effort into trying to sort out your marriage. It shows what a mature, caring and sensible person you are!

Your marriage counseller- and most of the posters here- are right in that you've most likely done all you can, and that if she doesn't want to go to counselling then there's no way to make her go. That's really unfortunate, because you sound like a great guy who's doing his best to make everything work for your family, and between you and your wife.

So even though I don't have much advice for you, except to echo what everyone else has said, I really hope things work out for you and your children.

And maybe a little bit for your wife, but not as much as for you and your kids.

[BrownDog52469]

Thank you everybody for your insight! ....and yes I am at least 50% to blame.

[Lite]

I tried to get my ex-wife to go to counseling 3 times. She refused. She said nothing was wrong with the relationship.

I think what you are going to run into is that she will not agree to see a counselor until you're ready to divorce her. At which time it will emotionally be too late for you.

You can claim that 50% of the blame is yours, but if you're actively trying to help the relationship and go to counseling, then it's not 50% on your part. Ignoring issues, pretending they don't exist, and expecting a hollow marriage because that's what your parents had is really just stubborn and selfish behavior in action. I'm guessing that she's probably also passive-aggressive and the two of you don't sleep together very often.

Honestly, right now the best thing you can do for you is keep a daily diary of how things are going, how you feel, how she reacts to things. if you have a fight write it down before you embellish it in you head or dismiss it. You're going to want to go back over things when the relationship ends and see who did what, it's a good tool to have a written log of how you feel so that you really cannot sugar coat that things were not as bad as you thought.

Best advice I received while I was divorcing: "Your wife might absolutely utterly detest the color yellow. Can't stand it, can't be around it, it make her ill, and that's just how things are. But if that is the case, there's nothing you can do if you were born a canary and you just need to get out."

You may think the kids don't notice your relationship with your wife, but they do.

[BrownDog52469]

Wow! Lite, Thank You. Much of what you said is in fact true. I do keep a journal. It does help. Thank you again for the advice.