How does someone fall out of love?

[Fairy Cakes]

I met this person a while ago. He happens to be my boss and im quite a bit younger than him. Eventually we couldnt help it. he'd fallen for me, and i liked him. I'd met his parensts very quickly and he even drove me 300 milkes to stay with mine. He's said, 'this is a serious relationship'. So there are many things like this going on, and, its not just owrds, the actions are there too. Then we start going through difficult times. He is an indecisive man. He has problems with work. And always didnt know what to do with it.
We broke up recently, and he said he hadnt felt the same for 6- 8 weeks, and it wasnt work or all the other things thst were going on for him. He just didnt feel the same. He didnt want to be with me. He didnt want the furutre we'd planned. We wenrt compatible, and he wouldnt change his mind. I understand all this and that he doesnt want the relationship. I just dont understand how someone so desparately cares,a nd then just 'doesnt feel that way' anymore. Any answers ...???

[just-me]

I'd love to know the answer as well. Especially if person truly loved you at some point, which was my case. Sometimes people say I love you without actually meaning it.

[ShannonMI]

I was with my ex for 8 years and he told me he had fallen out of love for me. Actually, I don't think he said it in those exact words, but that was the jist of it. He said he had changed and we weren't right for each other. I don't know how it happens. I still have a lot of love for my ex and I always will. I guess people just grow apart. Or one grows away from the other. I didn't grow away from my ex, but he did from me. I didn't do anything such as cheating and I didn't make his life miserable as his girlfriend to warrant the sudden change in feelings. And with my ex it was sudden because one day he was fine and the next he said he wanted to break up. Granted, he might have been pulling away for awhile, but never gave me any indication that he was. I thought everything was fine with us. I recently found out that he had cheated on me a week before the break up. So maybe the week before he dumped me, he fell in love with his new girl. Or felt a major attraction to her and decided to dump me using the "I've changed and we weren't right for each other" excuse. He's with the girl he cheated on me with now. I wish I knew the answer to this question. How do you fall out of love or just stop loving someone? Maybe someone who has fallen out of love will post on this thread.

[just-me]

ShannonMI,
He most likely fell in love with her. Been there, done that. I broke up with my previous ex when I met my current ex because I simply fell in love with her. My feelings didn't change overnight just the love for my new gf was stronger. Karma is a b***h and 5 years later it finally got me. She did exact same thing to me. She'll probably be back if it doesn't work out or he dumps her. I'm trying to get over her because I don't wanna be her back up plan!

[Fairy Cakes]

How common would it be do you think.
, that people fall back into love?
its very rare that people meet in the future and have that connection again isnt it?

[just-me]

I believe its rare. I also believe that one can never forget good things in the relationship, but with the time it only become faint memories. I had this gf 10 years ago, when she left me I was devastated, I thought I will never love anyone again. Guess what, thanks to her I loved 2 more times and each time it was getting better and better. Now I remember her and we're even friends on the facebook. She got married, got a kid. I don't feel love for her anymore but I'm happy she's making it through life. It will all eventually go away, just now it feels like the end of the world. I'm devastated right now but I know from my past experiences that life will go on and time will heal all the wounds. In a 100 years nobody will even be around to remember all of this.

[cmacattack1]

I don't think it's rare to have a connection with somebody later on down the line. To sit there and wait around and hope it happens? Chances of running into them again out of the blue? Nah, that's not very likely.

Fairy, people don't just fall out of love. It is a long process, and it has been building up for a while. A little bit more falls away each day so it's not like we can just call it one day when we don't know how we will feel the next. How they handle it though, how honest they are with themselves and how honest they are with you can be the difference between losing somebody completely or not. If they don't want to fight for it, if they don't want to mix things up and work towards something, there isn't much hope. How you handle certain situations says alot about your character, and he handled it very immaturely. I know we always look forward to actions being an indicator of how much somebody cares and it is very accurate. However, feelings change all the time, we change our minds all the time. Honestly and willingness to work on things will make all the difference.

Shannon, I'm sorry to hear that you lost what you had with your ex after 8 years. That's a long time, and completely taking a guess here, did you guys start dating very young? Alot can happen in 8 years especially through high school and college and even after. Lots of changes, lots of growth. To have somebody through that could be a good thing and a bad thing: you have somebody there, but you also have a crutch to lean on when you are weak, instead of growing on your own. Why grow if no matter what happens at the end of the day, you still have somebody there? You guys stopped growing together like you said, and maybe you felt like the break up completely blindsided you, but I'm sure if you look back on it with a more clear head, you will notice that it wasn't as great as you remembered it. As for him just waking up one day and saying "I don't love you anymore", I don't believe that's possible. It takes a long time to build up, not just overnight, and most of the time people are not honest about how they feel. They are afraid to say something to hurt you, but all this time of living a lie and letting it build up, it just hurts as bad at the end. Maybe if you tackle it early on enough you can find some way to fix it and work through it together. As I told fairy, honesty and willingness to work for it are the things you kind of need if you want to move through obstacles and bumps.

[ShannonMI]

I don't think it's rare to have a connection with somebody later on down the line. To sit there and wait around and hope it happens? Chances of running into them again out of the blue? Nah, that's not very likely.

Fairy, people don't just fall out of love. It is a long process, and it has been building up for a while. A little bit more falls away each day so it's not like we can just call it one day when we don't know how we will feel the next. How they handle it though, how honest they are with themselves and how honest they are with you can be the difference between losing somebody completely or not. If they don't want to fight for it, if they don't want to mix things up and work towards something, there isn't much hope. How you handle certain situations says alot about your character, and he handled it very immaturely. I know we always look forward to actions being an indicator of how much somebody cares and it is very accurate. However, feelings change all the time, we change our minds all the time. Honestly and willingness to work on things will make all the difference.

Shannon, I'm sorry to hear that you lost what you had with your ex after 8 years. That's a long time, and completely taking a guess here, did you guys start dating very young? Alot can happen in 8 years especially through high school and college and even after. Lots of changes, lots of growth. To have somebody through that could be a good thing and a bad thing: you have somebody there, but you also have a crutch to lean on when you are weak, instead of growing on your own. Why grow if no matter what happens at the end of the day, you still have somebody there? You guys stopped growing together like you said, and maybe you felt like the break up completely blindsided you, but I'm sure if you look back on it with a more clear head, you will notice that it wasn't as great as you remembered it. As for him just waking up one day and saying "I don't love you anymore", I don't believe that's possible. It takes a long time to build up, not just overnight, and most of the time people are not honest about how they feel. They are afraid to say something to hurt you, but all this time of living a lie and letting it build up, it just hurts as bad at the end. Maybe if you tackle it early on enough you can find some way to fix it and work through it together. As I told fairy, honesty and willingness to work for it are the things you kind of need if you want to move through obstacles and bumps.

We started dating when he was 19 and I was 23. I'm 4 years older then him. So he was def. young. I think my ex is now living the college life he didn't get to live because he was in a committed relationship with me. He's now going out a lot, dating a college girl and all that. I guess he could have slowly just stopped loving me, but wouldn't there be some big indicators if that was the case? We were very close. I don't know what to think. When we first broke up he told me he would always love me, but he didn't know if he was in love with me. That fu*king line. After a few months went by, after the breakup, he wouldn't even tell me he had any sort of love feelings at all toward me. It hurt me badly. Maybe he didn't want to tell me his feelings because he didn't want to give me false hope that we would get back together. Now knowing what I know about the cheating, I would never get back together with him, but it would give me some comfort to know he still loved me in some way. It's unfathomable to me that you can be with someone for that long and go through many things together and NOT feel love for the person. I know he cheated, which is a HUGE betrayal, but I still feel love for him. Maybe I'm just different.

[Fairy Cakes]

Thank you for your answer cmacattack1
I believe you are right, someone way of dealing with things does say a lot about them. I mean, emtionally, I was everywhere, astill am, I cant help but wear my heart on my sleave, i always have. But also ive given myself time on decisonjs. Kept myself busy. Kept up a good standard at work. Not bedgering him, infact, barely speaking to him. Considering we live and work in the saem place, ive been good. However, I also wont stay in the same room as him socially, and now he too will walk out and give me space. However, I handed in my notice. And, did not blame this on anyone, and said it was 'due to personal circumstances'. I was perpared to work my full notice, however I was rewarded and allowed to go early. I know he did not want me to leave, he wants still to speak to me. I make it very clear it is not an option. That i am doing something for myself. Im 20, so i think in some ways ive not done tooobad. He's quite a buit older, pretty mucked up and cant decide what he wants on anything. I do not want his contact. I do not want his acknoledgment that i am in the room. He gave up any of that right. I simply want him away from me. And to be gone. I hope he realises he missed out on something good because of his own issues. I know this can never be a guarantee. However, for now, im comforted by the fact my life has to look up, and he'd have missed out on me. Silly as it sounds, and as little as i want to leave where i am, my life looks up, and his is lost atm. Maybe when he realises he might wonder where his head was at at this place in time. He really cant cope with stress.
I hope how i handled it shows a bit of naturity. I dint know whether it has. I just hope he realsies he's the one who'se lost out.

[Alvy]

You know what they say - what goes up...

[cmacattack1]

We started dating when he was 19 and I was 23. I'm 4 years older then him. So he was def. young. I think my ex is now living the college life he didn't get to live because he was in a committed relationship with me. He's now going out a lot, dating a college girl and all that. I guess he could have slowly just stopped loving me, but wouldn't there be some big indicators if that was the case? We were very close. I don't know what to think. When we first broke up he told me he would always love me, but he didn't know if he was in love with me. That fu*king line. After a few months went by, after the breakup, he wouldn't even tell me he had any sort of love feelings at all toward me. It hurt me badly. Maybe he didn't want to tell me his feelings because he didn't want to give me false hope that we would get back together. Now knowing what I know about the cheating, I would never get back together with him, but it would give me some comfort to know he still loved me in some way. It's unfathomable to me that you can be with someone for that long and go through many things together and NOT feel love for the person. I know he cheated, which is a HUGE betrayal, but I still feel love for him. Maybe I'm just different.

I noticed that you wrote about how you heard about the cheating and that was when you decided you would never be together with him again. What's with that? I remember my ex girlfriend telling me "Ugh, I wish you would have just cheated on me." when she was in the middle of breaking up with me. I'm pretty sure she cheated on me towards the end there but I don't think it would be a deal breaker for me. We are all learning about relationships through our experiences and I simply leave it at the fact that we were young and we honestly didn't know any better. When we are unhappy in a relationship but still care for somebody, it's as if we are a slave to how we feel and stay in something longer than necessary. The truth of the matter is we aren't, we are entirely responsible for being in a relationship. The decision rests on nobody but yourself. As for your ex, I think he stayed in it longer than necessary, but I don't think he did it when he had little to no care for you.

Isn't it funny how we all get these sappy or what seems to be rehearsed lines when we get broken up? I got "You are the one for me, just not now." After chasing her for a month and half, it's apparent she's been with somebody else the whole time but then went official and public with it. We are all emotional, we all say ridiculous things when we are breaking up, and what you learn from these kinds of things is that you don't need any long, drawn-out explanations or leave any flicker of hope that things might happen in the future. We never know what can happen in the future but for everybody's recovery, we need to just say what we need to say and be on our own for a while. Cut them out of your life completely and learn to live life on your own again. That's the best thing you can do for yourself and for your future relationships. I noticed you followed him and still talked to him in the months after ("He's going out and living his college life", "He wouldn't tell me he had any sort of love feelings towards me"). Another no-no. Don't assume you know alot about somebody if all you see is facebook or something, and as I mentioned don't drag out your recovery process by keeping in contact with them. It hurts, it's brutal, but break ups happen to everyone, every day. We have to learn to figure things out on our own and deal with them on our own. A step towards becoming a more self sustaining person and what you learned from this will help you be a better girlfriend for your next relationship, be it with him or somebody else.

[ChristianonLI]

Falling "out" of love should be regarded as a felony in all 50 states punishable by a minimum of 10 years in prison and a lifetime of probation making it up to the person you had the audacity to fall out of love with when they most likely did NOTHING wrong to deserve such a horrible and insulting slight of their awesomeness.

[breacliff]

Thanks for sharing. Just like you i have been experiencing that also. lol. Just think of this, God has the reason why it all happens.