What exactly does he want from me?

[Kaleas]

This may need more back story than people want to read, but I'm going to go crazy and fail the rest of this year of my life without some guidance.

I was in an amazing relationship for the last two years (we're both 22 now). We've taken two road trips to visit my family. We've done holidays. Practically lived together and made the perfect couple to those outside of us. He had talked about marriage after I graduated, and we were both excited about our lives together. 6 months ago his parents split up and our relationship went downhill from there. He stopped sleeping over and night. Would disappear for days. Wouldn't call or respond to texts. Eventually he broke up with me almost a month ago. His reason being that he had too much going on in his life and couldn't be the boyfriend that he wanted to be. He still loves me, cares about me, and thinks I'm the most amazing girl, but doesn't want a relationship. He asked if I'd wait for him, because he said he'd come back for me when he was ready.

So I was stupid and waited. It hurt. It still hurts. I've dropped from 125 to 115 in the mean time. I had to drop a class because I wasn't sleeping and couldn't focus. He calls me every day to tell me about his day. He texts me throughout the day. I never approach him first. We've hung out but its been weird not being physical. He will tell me about dates he wants to take me on. Bars he wants to go to together. He'll accidentally call me babe all the time. Will still come over and have me cook him dinner.

I'm getting to a point where I can't do this anymore. We never talk about US. It's that pink elephant in the room. I'm too madly in love with him to sit with him on a bed and keep my hands off. To not be able to walk around and hold his hand. Tell him how much I love him.

I tried last week to cut us off. Telling him I can't just be his friend. He didn't get it. He said there's nothing different between us but our physical relationship. I told him to stop texting me but he still does. I can't forget about him and move on.

Any suggestions on what he's doing or how to deal with this? Somedays he's sweet, and it's like our first date all over again. He'll brush against me and invade my space. Other days he sits across the room and wont come near me for hours. If I try to talk about anything involving us, he shuts down and gets quiet.

Help. Please. I'm going crazy.

[asdfg789]

From what you've described, it doesn't sound like he has found someone else.

So it is likely the result of seeing his parents split.

I have friends who are not able to have proper long term relationships as a result of parents' divorce.
Something to do with the fear of repeating the same mistake.

Problem is, you are now giving him everything he wants without anything in return. So this behaviour may continue indefinitely.
A couple of things you can consider :

a. be patient, wait for him. but make new friends (including guys) and treat him as another friend until he is ready
(stop treating him as special; stop cooking for him unless you cook for other male friends; stop letting him come over and spend alone time etc)
b. walk away, cut all contact. build a life totally without him

Status quo is not a good idea since it just prolongs your agony with no end in sight.

Just my 0.02

[cmacattack1]

Gah, option A sounds horrible.

Okay so you have it narrowed down to his family splitting. It's a reason. But it's not an excuse for the treatment you have been getting. I don't think he totally understands that when you break up with somebody, you do that when you don't want to be with somebody. You want to end the relationship when you do this. To end it but still act like everything is normal is just another case of having your cake and eating it too. He may not have found somebody else yet, but to have you around at his convenience, he doesn't have a reason to COME BACK to you. As mentioned, he gets everything he wants when he wants it. It's his way or the highway. He has you where he wants you. And to do this while it's tearing you up inside is the epitome of pure selfishness.

I'm not saying this because I think he is a terrible guy and he is doing this on purpose to torture you. I honestly think he doesn't understand what it's doing to you and how you are a wreck as a result. But the best thing to happen when break ups happen is to cut them off and be on your own so you can fully heal on your own and be ready for something new, be it with him or somebody else. But you won't make that progress while he is still hovering around in your life.

I know you can't help how you feel, and I know you love him and want to be with him. But for whatever reasons, he doesn't want to be with you like that. Like how you want. And for you to settle for anything less is not fair to you. Keep in mind that you do have a responsibility in this, you are completely responsible for having him in your life right now. I know you said you told him to leave you alone and he doesn't get it, and that's because I think you bend or fold after a little prodding on his end. But what he is doing is not right, and since he doesn't want you as a girlfriend, you don't have any reason to give him what he wants if it's not what you want. You have to hold yourself number one here.

I know you love him and it's scary to be on your own, but you need this. You need this for your own personal growth, you need this so you aren't letting life pass you by. You have to tell him to stop calling you and stick to it. Do not respond to anything he says to you, stress that this is what he wanted and that it's not fair to you a couple times and if he doesn't get it, stop responding altogether. I promise you that the longer you give into this, the more comfortable he is going to get. But this is not about winning him back, it's about finding yourself again, and not be this frail shell of the person you used to be.

Some people learn it the hard way and this is the way many people learn. I've played the asshole boyfriend role to the tee and I always thought I was right until one day an ex-girlfriend got sick of my shit and threw it back at me and broke it off for good. Losing her was when I finally learned. It hurts, it sucks, but it was the best thing ever to happen to me. She found somebody else and is happy. He is not the only guy for you and you will find happiness with somebody else. Establishing who you are and yourself again is key and it is not going to happen with his constant interference.

[Kaleas]

Thank you so much for the advice and help. Yesterday I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings and how we can't be friends, and taped it to his apartment door. Through text, he contacted me later on and said he didn't understand. He didn't get why it was killing me so much to see him, and said "It's not that I don't want to be with YOU". He explained how much this is eating him up as well and he knows he's hurting me. It was hard, but I stood my ground. I said that it's hard to do this, but we can't be in contact right now. You made the choice to be alone, to be without me. I can't keep being a shell of your girlfriend. I need to take care of myself. So please, don't contact me until you're ready. He never did respond.

This will be hard to do. I think of him every day when something happens. I want to tell him. Call him. See him. We have the same friend circle that we get together with every Wednesday night. They still want me to come, but I just don't know if I can. I feel though like if I don't, I'll be giving up.

Thank you again.

[LoveYou]

I reall hope that you too can make it work again. What you 2 did had, and may have again...is true love.

[Reizach]

cmacattack1 has given some truely awesome advice. Stick with what he said, with everything you've got.

[cmacattack1]

Thank you so much for the advice and help. Yesterday I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings and how we can't be friends, and taped it to his apartment door. Through text, he contacted me later on and said he didn't understand. He didn't get why it was killing me so much to see him, and said "It's not that I don't want to be with YOU". He explained how much this is eating him up as well and he knows he's hurting me. It was hard, but I stood my ground. I said that it's hard to do this, but we can't be in contact right now. You made the choice to be alone, to be without me. I can't keep being a shell of your girlfriend. I need to take care of myself. So please, don't contact me until you're ready. He never did respond.

This will be hard to do. I think of him every day when something happens. I want to tell him. Call him. See him. We have the same friend circle that we get together with every Wednesday night. They still want me to come, but I just don't know if I can. I feel though like if I don't, I'll be giving up.

Thank you again.

Especially in a time where you both are emotional (you probably more so than him), it doesn't really matter what you say. I imagine you had some long drawn out explanation and kind of just poured your heart out into a letter, but he is going to have his own interpretation of it. Letters aren't very good, even if they make you feel better temporarily. You can't take back what you say. I say this because I wrote a furious bunch of letters to my ex and they were all over the place. Now that I'm sane and back to normal, I look back at what a raging lunatic I was and it killed any hopes of immediate reconciliation. I'm sure your letters were more meaningful and more tactful, but the truth of the matter is that he probably isn't going to understand until he can't have you. I had a million chances to fix myself in my past relationship and I blew through every single one. When I finally couldn't get what I wanted, and I finally accepted my responsibility in why I don't have her any more, is when my personal progress began.

If you were to ever have a relationship with him in the future, he would need to undergo this. And there is no guarantee that he would go through this change anytime soon. When we break up with somebody, we always feel like we are right. Any kind of emotional prodding I got after just boosted my ego. Like "Wow, she is this crazy about me." Basically, the bottom line is the moment when you let this all go, you stop trying to get him back, you stop responding to him manipulating your feelings, is when you can finally move forward for yourself. Like I said, you are your own number one. And being on your own is the best thing you can do right now.

Yeah, loneliness sucks. You don't have him or anyone to really cuddle with currently. No sex. It sounds bad. But it's necessary. I wouldn't even try to hit up a rebound, as you usually feel even crappier after that and will still be thinking of your ex. When you refocus yourself on your school or your job, and maybe reconnecting with friends you may have been neglecting or lost touch with, and focus on how to enhance your life, you will bring self worth to yourself. Important part of getting back on your feet: feeling worthy enough for somebody else. It's really funny how when you aren't looking for somebody is when they come looking for you. But it is going to be impossible to be happy with somebody else if you aren't happy with yourself.

[breacliff]

Thanks for sharing. Just like you, i have been experiencing that also. lol. Just think of this, God has the reason why it all happens.