Relationship ambivalence. Please read and help!

[nietsdoen]

I almost feel like crying. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with my relationship with Garret. Up until 2 hours ago, I was happy with it. I was merely haunted by the memories of ambivalence. However, here we are after reading that last chapter of “Too good to leave; too bad to stay”. There had been a question along the lines of: if every relationship problem were to be solved magically today, would you still feel ambivalent over the relationship? I thought, well yes. Then she went on to explain that a clear yes means you would most likely be happy if you were to leave, because clearly the relationship is too bad to stay. This left me thoughtless. Nothing ran through my mind for about 5 seconds, and then I just started feeling bad. Like things were all wrong. Perhaps all of the previous chapters were pertinent to fully understanding the last chapter, which is the problem of merely feeling ambivalent if all other problems are stripped away. I don’t know if I have other problems in my relationship with Garret because I did not read the full book.

All I know, really, is that I really love him and he really loves me and we are happy but sometimes I am ambivalent. Sometimes I feel anxious and confused over whether this is the best thing. I sincerely thought that in picking up this book and reading a chapter on merely feeling unsure, the answer I would find would run along the lines of, “this is clearly an excellent relationship and if you break up with this person, you will remain ambivalent and long for the good times – the grass is always greener.” Honestly, after reading something like THAT, I would have been jumping up and down for 15 minutes straight to the heavens. Why? Because I’m not looking for a reason/excuse/justification to leave. I’m looking for reassurance that what I have is amazing, hard to find, and truly joyful.

And lately I’ve been feeling anxious anyway. Occasional chest pains, over worrying, incessant and repetitive thoughts (some of which include ones like, you should break up with him, or no you do not want this, etc. while hearing these in my head, I certainly want them out – they’re not what I really feel or want), finding it frustratingly hard to get even one satisfying breath, a dull ache in my stomach region (not like a stomach ache. Something else, something that feels emotional). My nutrition and exercise need work. I need to be healthier. Yes, my relationship with Garret has caused some stress. We recently broke up (because neither of us were sure it was the best thing for us) and that was hard, and then got back together (because after discussing it more we saw that our plans for the future were very compatible – engagement, marriage, children, travel). I have been extremely happy with Garret ever since we became lovers, and yet at the same time intermittently ambivalent. But I am ambivalent about everything – whether to go outside, what career path to choose (although a year ago I decided on one and have not changed my mind since).

The point here is that this is really just me. Having had suicidal thoughts and plans many times in the past, would it not make sense that this anxiety is my own psychological problem, not a problem with the relationship? Is this ambivalence just a part of who I am? I would say so. What I want, truly truly want, is reassurance that it is and does not mean in the SLIGHTEST that I should ever break up with Garret! I am so happy with him. I trust him, we have good communication, our sex life is great, I absolutely adore him, we have great fun together, I feel excited about moving forward, our plans our similar, etc. And like I said, up until reading that parcel of the book, I felt wonderful about our relationship. I mean, sure, I’m often ambivalent, but also often secure and happy.

I planned on getting the book because I thought, I WANTED for, it to make me more secure and happy always. To know that ambivalence without a cause is not a big deal and absolutely no reason to break up. That would have made me so happy, so secure. But is that real? IS it a reason to break up with someone? Does it really mean the vast majority of the time that a relationship should end? In my case does it? What I want, truly, is to stop feeling this way. Or at least to know for sure that if I were to break up with him, that would be the very best thing for me. As I said, most of the time these days I don’t feel ambivalent. Not at all. Just sometimes, and then not for very long. Because I felt that our problems were solved. Thoughts?

[Faithful`]

Wow, seems like ur really torn. Well i'm no expert and i think i am probably a little torn like u r at the moment myself but i will still give my 2 cents.

Maybe u first need to ask urself a few questions. Have u felt like this about any other relationship or serious decision? Do u think u might b scaring urself because u have finally found someone u want to spend forever with and u might not b ready for that just yet?

U might need to take a step back and look at the relationship from the outside. Think of it logically first. U love and respect each other, have no problems, trust is good, sex is great, share common values and he makes u happy. HE seems to b ticking all the right boxes. Either ur scared to commit or maybe what ur looking for is more of a challenge.

Also, u might want to ask urself what the worst case scenario might b. If u stay with him and live happily ever after, what is it that u r so scared of happening?

[ConfusedAlex]

You mentioned suicidal thoughts and some other worrying symptoms? Are you getting ongoing help for that?

It sounds like the relationship is fine, ambivalence can be a normal feeling in relationships. The important thing is that you make sure you are taking care of your health, the things you described feeling, the physical feelings particularly, sound like an anxiety disorder, and I strongly encourage you to try working that out before you think about the value of your relationship.

[MerryH]

So, what's the problem? I mean, basically, this is another one of those hundreds of "Should I break up with him?" threads on this forum. The difference here is that you haven't explained any negatives of the relationship. Normally, these threads go something like "He's cheated on me/lied to me/treats me bad/is a loser, but I really love him etc" But here's your thread:

All I know, really, is that I really love him and he really loves me and we are happy

I’m not looking for a reason/excuse/justification to leave.

after discussing it more we saw that our plans for the future were very compatible – engagement, marriage, children, travel).

I am so happy with him. I trust him, we have good communication, our sex life is great, I absolutely adore him, we have great fun together, I feel excited about moving forward, our plans our similar, etc.

I felt that our problems were solved.

And then you read some book that got your anxiety issues all in a tizzy. You said yourself, you don't feel ambivalent all the time, just sometimes, and then not even for very long. I think a lot of people would kill to be in your shoes, relationship-wise. Be happy!

Forgot to mention, ConfusedAlex makes a point. Anxiety seems to be your problem, not your relationship.

[nietsdoen]

Thank you all so much. I am currently trying to work on my anxiety, although not with a professional. (@ConfusedAlex: my sucicidal thoughts stopped quite awhile ago, so I never felt like I needed ongoing help.) Really, though, this gives me a lot of hope. Sometimes when I'm with him I almost feel like I'm not myself, like I'm just going through the motions, and that tortures me, because I love him so much. But now, I really do think it's anxiety, so thank you for your input.