Beginner's Luck

[cmacattack1]

You are your number one man. If talking to her doesn't help, don't feel obligated to. Don't read into her too much, she may have missed you a bit with this message but I have a feeling as soon as you were back in her life she'd be back to her treatment of you before. I know you are trying to achieve an indifferent stance as if she isn't bothering you at all, but if she is, do not be afraid to let her know that what she doing isn't right and that you need space from her. If you haven't already. You won't be sorry, I promise. You may even garner some of her respect for standing up to her like this. You really can't lose though because YOU WILL BE HAPPY WITH SOMEBODY ELSE even if it's not her. If she doesn't talk to you, you will heal and move on, if she does and you are okay with it, you might have a shot at getting back together AND having it work. You decide which is more reasonable and realistic.

You don't know where you will be in a couple years, you may run into each other and spark it back up. But it takes some time and some self awareness for her to become the person that you can have in your life and have it go somewhere. Something I have really learned from all this, alot of the time it's not because the love isn't there but it's just bad timing. We all grow at different rates, reflective of our life experiences that we have gone through.

[JasonG]

I sent this message on Facebook private message as I felt I couldn't just ignore her:

I have honestly lost my trust and respect for you after what happen between us. You were my best friend and my lover and while I have accepted what has happen I couldn't believe it came to being cheated on in the end. I know it doesn't help bringing up the past but such an act cannot just be swept under the carpet and forgotten like it never happen. I am happy to have shared many memories with you, even the bad ones. I want to forgive you as I can't and refuse to carry this kind of burden on my shoulders. I am not angry anymore and I have come to terms with everything that has happened both in our relationship and after. What I feel is just disappointment that someone that says they cared for me fell under temptation instead of stopping that temptation and doing the right thing.

Anyway, I just want to wish you luck in the life your about to enter. I am not burning the bridge between us and I have decided to simply keep it open and see where it goes in the future. I’m sure at some point in the future we will find a way of how we are going to go about reconciliation. Right now I think we should focus on our own separate endeavours and see where it takes us.

[JasonG]

Perhaps it was premature but with all kinds of different opinions on the situation I felt in my heart ready to come face-to-face with her a few days ago. I was tired of hiding in the shadows, staying offline from MSN or Facebook and doing things to avoid her. I had to get something from her work and so I stopped in and we saw each other.

The first few minutes were akward and she told me her heart was racing and didn't know what to say. Anyway she went on her break and we talked for awhile. Basically she told me she really really missed me, that there was still feelings and that she still cared. She tried to make little jokes here and there and I did play along with it alittle but most of the time I was nervous and tried to remain calm. There were a couple times we acted like as if it was old times (we had a certain way of acting and talking around each other) and we even both mentioned that's what it felt like. She told me she really missed us hanging out, missed our talks, and I guess missed what we had. She admitted there was alot of good times, including bad ones and that she was remembering it all and that she will never forget them. Anyway alot of missing on her part. I guess you don't know what your missing until you really lose it, I guess. Perhaps there is some regret on her part but that's just wishful thinking. Maybe it was a huge mistake but I did bring up where we stood if it were ever possible if things didn't work out for her would we try again at our relationship. At first she was like she couldn't go back in worried that she would hurt me again after having a bad experience in the past with going back together with someone and him hurting her again. Then I told her something along the lines of we won't know where we will be in the future and we may have changed and want to try again. Maybe it was me forcing a different answer in her but she was I'm right and we don't know what the future holds but if we did try again it would be slower, starting off with coffees or lunches together. Anyway it was perhaps a bad move and I don't think something like this would ever happen as I know she can be pretty ego-centric and going back would feel like she failed herself. I don't even know how I'd feel but there would be some tough times trying to make it work again. Best not think it will happen and keep on track with trying to move on.

She did briefly mention a few things to me and that she would be moving around the neighborhood in a house with two of this guys kids and some of his family or whatever. One year lease and something about if she ever wanted to move out she could at any time (she poked fun at me saying if she wanted out I wouldn't have long to wait if we wanted us to try again, "You heard about the lease thing and you're like "oh cool!"). She also told me she was thinking about the guy not wanting kids anymore and had to seriously consider if that's what she really wants and wasn't sure what she is going to do yet. Anyway I basically told her that these things are all stuff she has to worry about and that I didn't want to be involved. I also told her I wanted us to be acquaintances and made a real stupid comment and said I don't think I'd be possible for us to be friends again if there is still feelings as the breakup was not mutual and the thing of getting back together was in the air. Stupid, stupid, I know. Before we departed ways we hugged and told her I will initiate contact next time and that it may be awhile.

Anyway, I think alot of it is just missing and I'm sure she is happy whatever she is about to get herself into. It seems she is kind of looking back and realizing the things she did to better help herself in making things work for her right now. Whatever it is maybe this encounter was too premature and I imagine if we saw each other again it would be alot different because I know her and that she'd remember this and make sure not to say and act a certain way the next time around.

[cmacattack1]

I almost would prefer it if she was devoted to this guy and awesome with him. Her flip flopping and saying these things to you while she is with somebody else is probably the same kind of bullshit behavior she pulled when she was dating you and you were the guy. She hasn't changed a bit and no matter how much she says she missed you, I doubt anything has really changed. I don't think this was a conversation you were prepared for, hence you saying things you regret. But I don't think they were really bad so don't beat yourself up for it. So you told her you didn't want to be friends and weren't ready for that. That's not bad. I remember crying to my ex on the phone when she told me about her new boyfriend. I wailed and wailed about how "I could never be friends with you!" Eight months later, it's not nearly as big a deal. At least you weren't nearly as embaressing.

You can't change what happened, you just have to honestly look at your possible decisions and decided what would be the most logical thing to do before you do it. So you had to go to her work and you had to run into her. Did you have to stay and talk with her on her break? No. What could possibly have been accomplished no matter how long you talked? Realistically, not much. All you got out of it was "she misses you and about how her situation with her guy sucks". Does this help you out? No, you are back to thinking about her, thinking about this, and you are reducing all the progress you made so far by going a few steps backwards here. You don't have to hide on facebook and msn from her if you just told her to give you some space. That's all that you needed to do. You have to think of yourself here and what's in your best interests. And she is not it, currently.

One of the problems about having a history and a past with somebody. You can't forget what has happened and you are tempted to go diving into old wounds to bring up stuff from what happened in the past. Especially this early, it's way too soon. You should want to start a new relationship, NOT get back together. I can't stress how important the difference here. You cannot possibly build a self sustaining relationship off the pieces of the old one. I mean you could, but it wouldn't work out, or it would be settling for something when you can do better and have a fresh chance and a fresh life with somebody else.

[JasonG]

So I haven't posted in this thread in nearly a month.

Basically I gave her the door. We had a talk over the phone a month ago and it was the same thing that she missed me and stuff but seemed to have no regrets on her decisions. Never got an apology either because to me she isn't sorry. I basically told her I can't be her friend because that is what I truly felt at the time and still feel that right now. Nor can I be an aquantaince with her so basically there is not much options left. For some reason, possibly out of loneliness I believe, I told her I'm willing to keep the door open in the future for us if we ever wanted to try this again but she couldn't or didn't want to give me an answer and said she'll get back to me on that. But I know that will very likely not happen anyway. I had to delete her from my Facebook as well, possibly pernament, I guess to tell myself this is basically it and to let it go. I know it's all in self control to not check the profile but to me deleting her was just something I had to do. Maybe losing me will make her learn from the mistakes she's done but yeah I know no point thinking such things and best to try and move on. There has been no contact since this last phone conversation.

I have to admit letting her go and forcing myself to move on is quite challenging but each passing day seems to be a progress. There are days like today where I feel like I take a step back but I think sometimes it's okay to do that as a reminder to yourself to not give up. I still feel anger whenever I think of what happen so I guess maybe I haven't let it go just yet and I've yet to move on but I just hope one day I can be at a point in my life where I will feel fine on the matter. I'd say my anger is mostly towards being lied to with being cheated on, and as well the way I was treated in the relationship being treated with alot of disrespect.

[cmacattack1]

You are going to be okay, and by cutting off all ties to her, your anger towards her and all the hurt feelings and everything will slowly fade. It takes a while, and it takes her not popping up in your life to disrupt your flow to really keep things moving. I know we can't predict the future, but "leaving the door open" as you put it probably gives her the impression she can just come and go whenever she pleases. Better yet then saying you are "keeping things open in the future", you just don't say anything at all. You will cross that bridge when you come to it, if you cross that at all.

She's not going to feel the need to apologize for that. And I'm sure even if she did, it wouldn't be genuine, it would be because she needs something or wants you back. When it all fades away, and you find somebody new, the past will just be the past. You have so much to take from this in a positive way so do just that and don't brood on her immature and sad behavior. You should feel bad for her more than anything, she lost something with self worth (you) and things won't be the same again.

[JasonG]

Hey, I just want to update everyone who followed this story... firstly, thanks for reading my big wall of texts. It helped to hear outside opinions. Anyway, I just wanted to say a few things.

I've met somebody else. She's wonderful, treats me great and I enjoy talking with her. She's good company and I have opened myself up to someone else once again. It's funny how we got together... she asked me out! I know it's fresh as we've been together a month but for those out there thinking they'll never meet anyone after a bad breakup... I think you're wrong. I thought the exact same too. Hopelessness and unhappiness that I'd never meet that special someone. It might take some time but I'm sure someone else will come along. It took me around six months to meet someone else so if things are still fresh for you... hang in there. It could be shorter or longer for you but you know, sometimes it's worth the wait. And this time I did things the right way... on the right foot. No guilty backstory to poison the new relationship. We've only been together one month but you know, things are working out good.

And I did meet with the ex. Thinking about our meeting just reminded me there is really nothing left anymore with her. Just this dark pit of nothingness. I told her I did regret how things started for us and perhaps I did get what I deserved but I didn't regret being with her. Asked how I was doing and told her I was okay and had a new girlfriend whom she's met and mentioned her name to which she remembered. She said she regretted what she did to me and she claims to have learned from her mistakes. She seemed depressed about her life about never having money, money issues with debts, go home-work-home-work-home-etc., and not doing much anymore and I pointed that out to her to which she quickly turned the table and said she was fine and things were wonderful. I reminded her once more I didn't want to be friends and that I was just seeking closure for each other. I could tell it crushed her. I know it was selfish of me but I requested that she one day apologize to me and she claims she will one day apologize to me on her own terms and when I will know it's genuine. It was an akward and cold conversation.

Was this wrong of me to do, to see her? I feel abit selfish and uncaring. Was it what she deserved from me? I felt like I needed to do this for whatever reason so that I can make way for my new girlfriend and give her my 100%. I guess some things of the past came back to haunt me in my new relationship and I wanted to deal with that in my own way of what I felt was right because I want this to work out with my new girlfriend.