Are explanations hard to do?

[purplehaze]

Hi, my name is Lucy, i'm in my early 20's from the UK and recently met a guy online of a similar age from the US. I'm very mature for my age and have had two serious long-term relationships in the past, so when we hit it off straight away, i knew it wasn't a coincidence. We became very close, very quickly. The chemistry was there and we never got bored of talking to each other online (and on webcam) no matter how long we spoke for. We fell in love with each other pretty quickly. It just felt right and we both had this connection with each other as we both told each other we loved each other on the same day.
We both had birthdays recently, he's a popular guy as I am with my friends also.I did what i could to make his day as special as possible even though i could not be there. Sent him some gifts over, a letter and such. He was really happy and a month passed then it was my birthday. He didn't bother sending a card or anything in the post...but this didn't bother me so much, he'd been strapped for cash for whatever reason and i was just happy to be able to speak to him. A lot of old friends that day had been commenting on my facebook wall, many of whom were male. I noticed he had distanced himself from me on my birthday which upset me a little. He even changed his relationship status from 'its complicated' to 'single' which was weird because the day before we were completely happy.
We've both got personal issues in our lives right now, similarly to do with drugs (he smokes weed everyday). (Before i carry on, the problem was that on the rare occasion i would go out, i would dabble with drugs and nothing more. It was not a heavy addiction.)
On my birthday I had a bit of a relapse and ended up taking some. I felt it was right to text him and let him know the situation because we never lied to each other. Needless to say, he hit the roof and called me a 'liar' and a 'slut' and that he hated me. I took what he said and did not respond with any hate as i figured it would blow over. The next day he messaged me when i was home and he said he had 'thought about it' and that he did not want anything more to do with me. He blocked and deleted me off facebook (our main way of communicating aswell as msn) and that was it (he also said i was clingy?). I haven't heard from him in a week now. I sent an email to him earlier just to explain myself as he did not give me the chance to. I also said that if this is the way it is going to be, then i hope you can remember the happy memories we shared as opposed to your last words towards me. I do not plan on emailing him again as i have said all i can.

The reason i post this message is because although i can only respect his actions, i just can't help wonder why he acted the way he did. I'm hoping that by writing this and getting feedback, i can somehow move on quicker. It's a strange feeling. Although we had not met yet, we always felt close and we would see each other on cam every day etc. It genuinely feels like a breakup.
I have no idea how he is feeling right now, he likes to act the tough guy anyway, he's quite an angry person. I've felt a little depressed the last few days and have had a negative outlook on things but my older friends say he was the main negative thing about me due to his poor attitude and his love for arguments. He is surrounded by the wrong friends and i guess i always see the good in people. Whenever he wanted out from where he lived or felt depressed, i would always be there for him and suggest he could come stay with me if he wanted as it is possible. It's just a shame that when the roles were reversed and i needed him, he's just upped and left me.

I guess i just find the way he has gone about getting me out of his life irrational?

Anyway i'm sorry it's long! I'll hand it over to you! Thanks for reading.

[Agape]

How long were you two together?

as for the way he's acting? well it's kinda weird and sudden and without explanation - but all this cutting contacts seems like a break-up

[davedlt]

Hi Lucy,

I understand that this can be a difficult situation to move on from, regardless of why he did it. Just remember that this too shall pass and you will be better and stronger for it.

As for why he did it...

If he smokes weed everyday that is a tip off that he does not like life the way it is by any stretch of the imagination. When people hate life like that, it is because they hate themselves. He hates himself so much that he needs to be in an altered state just to pass the time without becoming completely depressed.

In this situation, relationships can become a two-edged sword. In the beginning, finding someone else to love you can be good because it provides a relief from your own self-hatred. Just like the weed. The problem comes however, when the other aspect of relationships starts to come up. That is that a relationship with someone else becomes a mirror for yourself.

In this case, which tends to happen more after a few months maybe (or sooner, or longer), you start to project on to the other person the things you hate in yourself. Whether it is true or justified or not, this is what people do.

This is why the more you love yourself, the more you will love other people, while the more you hate yourself, the more you hate other people. It has nothing to do with the actual other people themselves.

So to him, while you were a drug he loved you, when you became a mirror, he hated you. Unfortunately this is just what happens.

So to move on from this, give it time. It will pass. But to speed it up, focus on doing what he didn't do. Focus on loving yourself and other people as much as you can. Don't worry about the things you don't like about yourself, just love yourself anyway for the hell of it.

Instead of trying to get love off other people, focus on all the ways you can give it. The way that the universe works is that the more love you give, the more love comes back to you. So just focus on giving love, then appreciate it when it comes back.

Hope that helps.

Dave.

[purplehaze]

Firstly, thank you for the replies.

I completely understand what you are saying Dave. Although other people around me tell me I have nothing to worry about, I have very low self esteem and confidence issues and this makes me quite anxious about subjects like this.
I particularly like the explanation of me mirroring him and it kind of explains the abrupt ending (something i could not previously understand).

Having re-read your post a few times, i'm already starting to feel a little bit more optimistic. I felt like i was living in a dream world and the things that mattered were pushed aside. Now, i'm determined to get my life back on track in all aspects.

So thanks again Dave, you've been more than helpful.

Lucy.

[Boisdevie]

Lucy,
how can you fall in love with somebody without actually meeting them? He's in the US, you're in the UK. Do you honestly think it will work anyway. It's a hell of a long way to go to have a night out with your BF.

[purplehaze]

Boisdevie,

If i was reading my post and had not experienced something like this before, i'd have said the exact same thing as you.

I'm well aware of how it might sound, but i didn't choose to feel the way i did - it just happened naturally.

When something like this happens, the distance becomes irrelevent.

Thank you for your input anyway.