Subconciously exhibiting the same behaviours we dislike in others/turn us off?

[JELEF]

(I hope this is the correct forum)

I'm curious if anyone else sometimes finds that you're exhibiting the very same behaviours you find unattractive in others. For example, are you turned off by clingy and needy but catch yourself doing it without intending to do? I'm sure Freud's got something to say about this, my guess being that it may be predicated on relationships with our parents. I ask as I find the notion so perplexing.

In my case, my mother and father divorced when I was 5 or 6 but had been on and off for a period before that. I've always lived primarily with my father. Though my mother was never frightfully distant (always in the same city), I don't feel like I ever developed a proper bond with her and we've got nothing in common aside from our DNA. She's well clingy and always sounds desperate when she rings or leaves messages and carries on far beyond the point of relevant. A 'phone me back when you've got a minute' goes on for about five. On the other hand, I'm fiercely independent, am often single by choice/lack of interest, and reasonably self-confident about most things. Loss of autonomy drives me absolutely mad though. A girlfriend who wants things done to a schedule (call me before bed every night) is a massive turn-off.

Not always, but when I really fall for someone, I find that I have a tendency to chuck out those more desirable qualities. I lose restraint, analyze minute and insignificant details, and can become clingy or seem desperate out of a fear of abandonment. I generally don't realize I'm doing any of those things until well after the fact, sometimes when it's too late. When I do catch myself in time, my sense of perception is completely warped. I can't remember what is and what is not normal behaviour or a normal amount of contact. I tend to act on my impulses and when I get into a state it proves patently unreliable.

Is this a common occurrence for other people, especially those who've gone through a divorce at such a young age? Any advice? Why do we do things we dislike about others?

[RdHrshyKss]

my advice would be CBT...might really help you get at the root of these behaviors and get control of them. you always here people say "i'm never going to be like my mother/father", but almost every person who says that ends up behaving just like them in many ways. some people like to blame biology, some say it's due to social experience. i think it's a combination of both, which makes it so complicated and hard to dissect and work through on your own. at least you've acknowledged some of your undesirable behaviors and are self-aware, that's a great first step. i think going to a therapist might really help you.

[YouAreBeautiful]

The general rule of thumb is if you don't like somebody you don't like that trait in yourself. I think the truth is we all have the same qualities, some more so than others, and anything we see exhibited is something we have felt in some way.