The story isn't all that complicated really, though it has become a complex matter for myself, because of the feeling i have for her.
This summer, is met a girl through some friends who i started, 6-7 months ago, to hang out with alot. At this point, we share everything. I've been there for her many times. I was there to support her when she found out she was epeleptic, when her grandmother had a seizure and for all the times a former friend of her, that was madly in love with her, but whom she rejected, has been harrassing her..
With this i've gotten closer to her than anyone else, and i know that. And after a while i realized that i was falling in love with her, and since it was impossible to know if she felt anything as well, with her rather flirting general attitude i told her, straight up. She reacted as if she didn't know what she said, but i knew she hadn't given it much thought, and didn't have any feelings for me. So i decided to ignore that little fact, and be her friend as she had a lot to struggle with. But then, at a party about 2 months ago i walked up to her and gave her a hug, and as she hugged me back i started to kiss her on the neck, and to my surprise she lent back and enjoyed it. Later that evening we kissed for real. I was happy like never before, excited over what acctually just happened.
But the day after, we sat down and talked, and she said that she didn't think last night was a very good idea. I said it was okay, and what's done is done. And we didn't mention it again for quite some time. But then now, 4 1/2 weeks ago i started to kiss her on the neck again, and she lent back and enjoyed it again. I didn't try to kiss her though. And i did this a couple of times for about 2 weeks..
Now, around 2 weeks ago, i invited her over for a movie, and we were sitting in my bed chatting, when i hugged her and our lips met, and we kissed, for the second time. So there we were, both sober, so nothing to blame it on, in my bed kissing and making out for almost 2 hours. We didn't do much more, else than she let me kiss her breasts and she kissed me on the stomach etc.
But we've done this many many times since that first time, and everytime has seemed to been with more passion than the last time. For a moment, it really seems that there might be something more than just this. And she knows very well what i feel for her, i've told her before.
Now the complexity, and what hurts me is told. I've been asked from a few of our common friends who she likes, because obviously, she has said she is in love with someone to them, but refuses to say who. This surprised me, as she had never talked about it to me, so i decided to ask a close friend of her if she acctually could be in love with me?
The answer, hurt. Her friend wasn't certain, but was suspicious about her being in love with someone, but didn't want to say who. But she said, it wasn't me. BAM. Not good. Is she playing me?
I just have a hard time understanding, how she who is such a good friend of mine and i share everything with, could have this "secret relationship" with me, but then love someone else, obviously a distant love, since we are together very often, and i've never seen her with anyone else if you understand. I know this might sound fairly dumb of me, and i've being jealous and over reacting. But i'm really trying not to, and being nice to her about it.
But the fact is that this hurts my feelings, and i don't know what to do about it. I could never love someone, then use my best friend as a playdoll to satisfy my sexual desires. Because that is what i feel like right now, a playdoll.
Please, help me with some advice on howto deal with this. And remember, even though i really like this girl, more than i could ever imagine to begin with. If things doesn't work out the way i want to, i still want us to be friends. A good friend is hard to find, but way to easy to loose.