What is it?

[Indestructible]

I'm trying to examine myself, and figure out why, exactly, I'm almost 22 and haven't been able to start dating, yet. It just boggles my mind that this is something that eludes me so much. People always say that you have to "love yourself" before you can successfully start dating, and sure, during my teen years, I had some major self-esteem/ confidence issues; I'm still a little scarred by those things, but all in all, I think I'm a pretty okay guy. I might not be the most assertive, charismatic, suave individual, and I may be a bit reserved and quiet most often, but I like to think I'm a pretty warm, friendly, understanding, giving, respectful guy. Admittedly, I possess some natural physical flaws that are usually very unappealing to girls in a guy, but I'd like to think people aren't REALLY that fickle, in general. Maybe I'm wrong?

Anyway, it just seems like whenever I meet girls, the connection isn't there. They all seem to give me this vibe (via tone, body language, subtle hints, etc.) as to say "You're a nice guy, but please don't hit on me or ask me out". So, I just... don't get it. Is there some horrible "woman deterrent" I have that's just flying under my radar? It doesn't make sense to me.

What's more is, I know quite a few people who have (what I consider to be) bigger and worse flaws than I do, and yet they still have pretty active dating lives (many are even involved with very nice and attractive partners). I don't mean that to sound like I'm saying I'm "better" than them or that I "deserve it more than they do", but if they can still manage to get around, what is it about me that's so... unappealing to girls?

[Applesauce]

read this thread for advice on how to become successful with girls

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/personal-development-forum/31615-itt-i-help-you-get-girls.html[/url]

[AnthonySCarter]

Not to be blunt, but it sounds like you may be lacking confidence, and there is generally nothing more appealing to a woman than a guy that is sure of himself.

Take two different guys who are relatively the same on the "attractive," money, and whatever else scales. One of these guys approaches a woman in a bar, for example. He's nervous and avoiding making direct eye contact as he stumbles to make his approach. Once there, he can hardly think of what to say to her, let alone get the words to come out smoothly, still looking everywhere but into her eyes. On the other hand, the second guy approaches the girl with a confident smile, knowing exactly what he's going to say, and having no trouble getting the words to flow. Which do you think the woman will show interest in?

[Poetic_Partner]

LOL - I was in your shoes at 22.

I just rarely had confidence to flirt or ask them out. Had plenty of women friends - got (and still get) along with them better than my guy friends. Had NO self-confidence dating though.

Let me ask this - do you flirt? I don't mean "there's this girl I like..." flirting or cheap comne-ons. I mean friendly flirting like if you see a cute clerk at the grocery store, do you look at her name-tag and say "
Hey - that's an interesting name." Or, if a woman friend is wearing a really neat looking blouse, do you say "That's a neat looking blouse."?

If not, that's a great start.

-PP

[Indestructible]

Let me ask this - do you flirt? I don't mean "there's this girl I like..." flirting or cheap comne-ons. I mean friendly flirting like if you see a cute clerk at the grocery store, do you look at her name-tag and say "
Hey - that's an interesting name." Or, if a woman friend is wearing a really neat looking blouse, do you say "That's a neat looking blouse."?

Well, not really. It seems, though, that when I have tried to show a girl a little more attention in the past, they start giving me that vibe I described before, and then it would just become awkward. I know different people are going to react differently to things, but it just seems like no matter what I do or say, it's met with a "Eh, I don't think of you that way" kind of vibe. That's why I'm confused. I can't help but be awkward or nervous in my "approach", because it seems like nothing works for me, like girls don't want me to flirt with them.

[Applesauce]

Indestructible says:

"Well, not really. It seems, though, that when I have tried to show a girl a little more attention in the past, they start giving me that vibe I described before, and then it would just become awkward. I know different people are going to react differently to things, but it just seems like no matter what I do or say, it's met with a "Eh, I don't think of you that way" kind of vibe. That's why I'm confused. I can't help but be awkward or nervous in my "approach", because it seems like nothing works for me, like girls don't want] me to flirt with them."

read the thread I posted. I've covered what you're describing

[Indestructible]

Hah, well, considering you directed me to a 13 page thread, you might need to be a little more specific. :p

[Applesauce]

it's well worth the read. Basically, there are many possible reasons why you are unsuccessful with girls. The best way to improve your chances is not by focusing on one thing about yourself but to improve yourself as a whole

[Indestructible]

Eh, not to sound rude, or anything, but I just don't have the time to commit to reading an entire 13 page thread.

As far as "improving oneself as a whole", well, like I said, I'm generally content with who I am, and I think I have enough good qualities to be worthy of a girl's attention, but it just seems like there's something about me that's so incredibly off-putting, and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is.

[Poetic_Partner]

"...I can't help but be awkward or nervous in my "approach", because it seems like nothing works for me..."
It could, in part, be the other way around - that nothing seems to work because you are nervous and awkward.

If you need practice, try some ice-breakers or little acts of kindness with the clerks at the stores you frequent:

a) If she has a tattoo, ask about it. "That's an interesting tattoo." then "What does the saying mean?" or "Did it hurt at all?" or "Did you get it around here somewhere?" then let her answer. then say "Well, that's neat." Then "Well, you have a good afternoon" and leave. Don't look back - just get on with your day.
b) If she has odd-colored fingernail polish, comment on it. Then let her talk (it'll be short). Then say "Well, you have a good...".
c) Many women have jewelery. If you find something especially interesting, tell her so. Then, again, let her talk a moment and when she's done excuse yourself.

Just a few ideas. The point is, pick out one interesting thing, ask an offhand question about it, and listen to her. For the moment, err on the side of being too short in the conversation. So, go ahead and try it tonight or tomorrow - not much to lose. I HAVE been in your shoes, and it takes a bit to become more outgoing, but it can be done.

-PP

[Indestructible]

Well, I meant more that I've become more and more insecure and nervous about "flirting" BECAUSE of my experiences. Before, I wasn't outwardly nervous, but after having apparently weirded out girls just for noticing them, I can't help but doubt myself anymore. I don't think I've ever said anything to a girl that was "too much"; if anything, I've never said anything worse to a girl than any of the things you suggested. Yet, it seems like when I notice things about a girl and try to strike up a conversation, they tend to just give me a o_O look, and react in a "That's nice... Uh... Can you kinda, yanno... leave me alone, now?" sort of way.

[JoeyJR]

Ignore the fact that you think that there giving you that ''leave me alone, now?" sort of way'' and just make the conversation flow. Your lacking confidence man.