Ongoing issues of events from the past

[bagelman]

I am a new member here so I hope you can help me out here.

I'm 20 years old now, and have been dating my girlfriend for over a year.
She is my first girlfriend, first kiss, first everything, and I absolutely love her.

Before we were dating, we were good friends, and I developed strong feelings for her, and she had admitted to me before that she liked me, but since i had never done the relationship thing I was too scared to reciprocate the feelings. Then we left university for the summer. Talked all the time, texted all day, skype at night, I couldn't have asked for more. I knew I wanted to be with this girl. I just couldn't tell her how I felt over skype or over text. I wanted to do it in person, and just sort of build up my confidence before I could go through with it.

Then one weekend during the summer, I had to go to boston with my family. At the same time she was going to university for a get together with some friends. So i knew we would be out of contact with eachother. (We live in canada so I couldn't really text her from the US)

While she was at the university, she and her friends all went out drinking. Then, she ended up hooking up with (didn't have intercourse, but did everything else) with a guy that I know.

Then when I got back to Canada, after a few days I found out about it from her, and it absolutely killed me.

Rest of the summer progressed without anything else happening, and then when we got back to school, after a couple weeks i told her how I felt about her, because i owed it to her to tell her. a few days after telling her we kissed, and began dating, and we have been dating ever since.

The problem i'm having is that I still think about this guy that she hooked up with. I know I want to be with her and I've talked about this with her before, and she feels absolutely terrible about it. I feel terrible about it too because it makes her feel bad. I just don't know why but I just from time to time think of this and then it just puts me into a bad place in my head.

I blame myself for this... because when she had told me that she liked me, i said that i didnt like her, and then she was just trying to get over me, and this may have been one of the things she was doing to get over me. I also blame myself for being in the states at the time, thinking that had i been at home, i could have maybe texted her, and begged her not to do anything.

I don't think about it all the time. It's only on occasion, generally if i'm upset. Usually never when I'm with her. When we've talked, she has told me that she does not have any feelings for him, and she loves me. I definitely trust her, and I trust her when she goes out and drinks now, because I know she would never do anything to hurt me.

How do you think I should approach this situation?
If you would like any clarifying details, let me know.
I do love this girl, and want to be with her, it's just this one thing.

[MerryH]

So you were just friends when she hooked up with someone else? She didn't do anything wrong, then. I'm sure it sucks knowing about it, but everyone has a past and it should have no bearing on your present relationship. You just have to get over it. It's not your fault it happened, and to be honest, you really have no business worrying over things that went on before you.

[ochriso]

Simply look forward. There is no problem here, just in your own head.

You are very lucky to be in this situation.

[bagelman]

You are definitely right. I realize that I have to get over it. And i CERTAINLY don't think she did anything wrong. But you are right, it just sucks knowing about it. And i know that I have no business worrying about things that happened before me... I feel like just because its my first relationship ever, I never had to deal with people's pasts before, and I dont really know how to deal with those things.

do you have any tips for how to move on and not worry about these obviously stupid things?

[bagelman]

Simply look forward. There is no problem here, just in your own head.

You are very lucky to be in this situation.

I know i'm definitely lucky, and I know people who have so many more things to worry about. I'm in a damn good situation, it just sucks that my head does these things. I need to find a way to somehow just get over it.

[ochriso]

In my opinion there is nothing to get over, she has done nothing wrong.

Now you imagine people who are dating as you are now, one of them goes out drunk one night and has sex with another person. THATS BAD.

Your situation is nothing, forget it man!

[MerryH]

do you have any tips for how to move on and not worry about these obviously stupid things?

Not really, just sack up and do it. Pretend it never happened. Every time you think about it, redirect your thoughts to how great your relationship is, and how you don't want to possibly ruin it for no good reason.

[bagelman]

Thanks everyone! I feel what will help will be to start by putting into perspective, and seeing how trivial this issue is, from there I can just move on. thanks to all of you!