first post ... but i need advice

[girl68]

^ stay on topic.

after that. you want her back only cause you miss her. I pretty much did what she did when I was young too. had something real good at home, but it wasn't the best. I went out randomly and kissed a boy. I then dumped my bf. I came running back when I realized these other boys weren't good enough and I'd rather have my (then) ex. I came running home and he eventually took me back and all was well. until I ran out and had overly flirtacious accounts with random boys. While no kissing happned these times the effect was the same, I was doing it becasue something was missing. was it right? no way, but I did what I did... guess what? I was exactly her age.

you're far too young for this... if you've gotten THIS far... stay away. your female friends are right and they're right becasue they know what they'd do if they were your ex right now. they'd do what I did.

do you realize how many other awesome girls there are out there? you're 21 for crying out loud explore, date and have fun- don't go back to hurtful, untrusting path with a confused young girl.

[RdHrshyKss]

^ stay on topic.

yes ma'am!

[eonbar]

^ stay on topic.

after that. you want her back only cause you miss her. I pretty much did what she did when I was young too. had something real good at home, but it wasn't the best. I went out randomly and kissed a boy. I then dumped my bf. I came running back when I realized these other boys weren't good enough and I'd rather have my (then) ex. I came running home and he eventually took me back and all was well. until I ran out and had overly flirtacious accounts with random boys. While no kissing happned these times the effect was the same, I was doing it becasue something was missing. was it right? no way, but I did what I did... guess what? I was exactly her age.

you're far too young for this... if you've gotten THIS far... stay away. your female friends are right and they're right becasue they know what they'd do if they were your ex right now. they'd do what I did.

do you realize how many other awesome girls there are out there? you're 21 for crying out loud explore, date and have fun- don't go back to hurtful, untrusting path with a confused young girl.

yeh. i think you speak sense. i think if we we're to get back together it would have to be after serious talks about why she kissed the guy and why she broke up with me.

if she kissed the guy just cos she was blind drunk then i can forgive that. ive been there and it literally was because i couldn't stand etc ... thats forgiveable. if from this she felt bad that she could hurt me again or that she felt to bad to be with me then thats ok and something we can work on.

if on the other hand she broke up with me cos she didn't like 'us' or she felt that something was missing, or was looking for an escape, maybe felt things between us were boring? i dunno ... anything like that then obviously i'll just have to stick it and not be with her ...

its a hard choice but thanks a lot for all your help. i've bookmarked the page and will read thru it before coffee on monday so i can ground myself in some logic or whatever you wanna call it ... something other than the rose tinted specs i guess im looking thru.

[girl68]

Well you seem to have a level head which is admirable. But I really hope I don't have to say "I told you so...".

[curiouselephant]

hey, im gonna try to share my 'wisdom' with you as you did for me in my thread

so basically you need to come to a conclusion
a) do you love her
b) did you have a great time with her (now you should be a little bit clearer about things with a 2-month distance)
c) could you spend the rest of your life with her? because 2-year relationships either end up in a bitter breakup or marriage... so if the answer is no in this one maybe you should just move on and spare yourself the trouble of suffering AGAIN.

now ppl breakup for retarded reasons all the time, if everybody would have only listened to pessimistic opinions then nobody would ever make-up...
few examples from my life:
- my dad broke up with my mom when he was 20, and it lasted for 2 months then they got back together, it lasted for 6-7 years, they had me and then my mother divorced him... so you see you never know how life plays out
a more merry example is a friend of mine got dumped by her bf she acted almost exactly like you did, except she aways planned on getting back together, and a week later he started calling her and in a few weeks they got back together and are now married with a child.

good luck with whatever you choose!

[eonbar]

Right. heres how it paned out. Basically we planned to meet up for coffee at 5 but she initially said meeting in a public place was a bad idea, and she said if i wanted to go to hers that would be fine. I wanted to see her, but in a neutral place etc so there was no one sidedness, it would be more relaxed and there wasn't a bed in the room. So she said ok but asked to change the time to 4:15 which was kl, so we met up.we talked about basic stuff
1) her weekend and mine. hers including her weekend back with her family etc and mine about nights out etc
2) talked about my godmother whos just been diagnosed with terminal cancer
3) i talked about my gym and stuff ... joked that if she saw me with my shirt off she'd see what she was missing. it was kinda funny, nice and relaxed and she laughed that she didn't like guys with muscle.
4) Talked about our dissertations
5) showed her a photo on my phone of John Lewis arrangement for Cath Kidson (a brand she likes) which i saw at the weekend and took a photo of cos it reminded me of her.
6) talked about how i was joining the ultimate Frisbee team for uni and Junction 11 (our local radio show)
7) asked her questions about work etc, her social life, what she got up to in london a couple weeks ago etc.

All the time i kept smiley, happy and not depressed or needy. just acted like it was a first date kinda thing, a little flirtatious but with a different kinda angle to a first date. just chilled out and was nice.

NOW THE BIT IM THINKING ABOUT.

after about 30 minutes when we were still having a good time and everything was good i said that i needed to go back to the library to do some work before going to the pub this evening. she said that she was going to go home. then, when im putting on my coat she says "would you like to come with me..."

literally i was so over the moon. i don't know what it meant but in my head i thought that it would either be to chill out and see where it took us, or even just to spend more time with her. anyway, we walked back to hers but half way i asked what was going on and what were her intentions. she said she didn't know and asked if i thought this was a good idea? i said i didn't know, but perhaps it would only be best if i walked her to her door and didn't come in. she agreed.

when we got to her door she said, "so your not coming in?" and i said that i couldn't. we hugged for a bit and i said that she was obviously very confused and that i thought she needed more time. i wanted nothing more than to follow her inside and kiss her and just to cuddle up and carry on talking for the whole evening. i didn't though, i just hugged her and it was nice and then i pulled away and said "have a nice evening" and left....

that was about an hour ago. i wanted to text her to say that i've never wanted to follow her in more in my life, that i've never wanted to kiss her more or whatever, but i kept my cool and didn't. i wish i had, even just to go in and have a cuppa tea and talk more. it felt amazing and my heart was beating so hard.

how should i take it from here? my plan was give it until maybe thursday and then ask if she wanted to get a drink (not coffee, more like a couple of cocktails or something) ... or wait until she text / spoke to me first? good plan or no?

a) do you love her
b) did you have a great time with her (now you should be a little bit clearer about things with a 2-month distance)
c) could you spend the rest of your life with her? because 2-year relationships either end up in a bitter breakup or marriage... so if the answer is no in this one maybe you should just move on and spare yourself the trouble of suffering AGAIN.

a) yes i do love her. the fact that i'd forgive her for kissing someone, the fact that i didn't jump in and gave her more space to think today (see above story of this post), the fact that i know that if she wants to be alone then no matter how much it hurts me i would leave her alone all suggest to me that i do love her. she's the nicest person and so caring and amazing and i defiantly love her.
b) i had an amazing time with her. just seeing her gives me butterflies. it was so easy to chill out with each other and i can't think of a better convo we could have had.
c) could i spend the rest of my life with her? i could defiantly see without a doubt see us spending the next two or three years together. once that's been and gone we'd have been together for 5 years and by that time i would know whether i could spend the rest of my life with her. i know for certain if i was with her when im 25 or 30 and things where as good as they've been these last two years then i'd ask her to marry me...

BUT first i need to give her space to figure out why she kissed that other guy, and her reasons for that will dictate what will happen between us....

bah, i dont wanna get my hopes up but i can't help it....

[RdHrshyKss]

*CLAPS SO LOUD THAT PEOPLE IN THE OFFICE ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M CRAZY*

wow, it was so nice to read what happened between you two. you are seriously making all the right steps here. so much control, BRAVO!

i think what you did was exactly what you should have done. going into her place might have set you guys back again. the fact that you held out and controlled yourself speaks wonders. and i'm sure that if she was leaning towards wanting to get back with you before you guys met up at the coffee shop, the way you behaved afterwards is probably making her want to do it even more. there is nothing sexier than a guy who has some damn control over himself.

continue to take things slow. having the mind set that you guys are going to need to start fresh is just the right way to approach it. if you were to jump into old behaviors just out of habit, it could lead to things going down the same path that led to her kissing another guy again. give her her space, and if she wants to give it another go, i think she will contact you. i don't think that you should ignore her. and maybe if you get the urge to contact her, set up another time for you guys to meet like you did before, in a public place. eventually you guys are going to need to talk about what each of you is feeling. how she's feeling, how you're feeling. but don't act on any of those feelings until everything is completely understood. and taking it slow is KEY. taking it slow will show her that you have some dignity and that you aren't going to jump right back into a relationship with her with your tail wagging.

oh man, i really hope things work out for you guys. if things go the way i'm hoping they go, i think you guys will work out great.

[girl68]

Where was the serious talk, where was the apology, where was the forgiveness? You didn't do ANYTHING as to what we said you should do. she thinks she's got this in the bag you're already hers again and she knows it. And to this point she thinks all is well cause you're long since forgotten about her little mishap.

We have comeplely oppsite opinions on this meet up clearly.

[RdHrshyKss]

Where was the serious talk, where was the apology, where was the forgiveness? You didn't do ANYTHING as to what we said you should do. she thinks she's got this in the bag you're already hers again and she knows it. And to this point she thinks all is well cause you're long since forgotten about her little mishap.

We have comeplely oppsite opinions on this meet up clearly.

sorry girl, i have to disagree with you. i think the way he handled the situation was PERFECT. she broke up with him. i don't think jumping into some heavy conversation about what happened right off the bat is the best way to go. i think the way he acted was completely respectful. if she ends up telling him that she misses him and wants to get back with him...THEN he can bring up all these issues and discuss them with her. and he shouldn't agree to try things out with her again UNTIL she openly discusses these things with him and they come to some kind of understanding. i really think the way he's approaching this is good.

[eonbar]

Where was the serious talk, where was the apology, where was the forgiveness? You didn't do ANYTHING as to what we said you should do. she thinks she's got this in the bag you're already hers again and she knows it. And to this point she thinks all is well cause you're long since forgotten about her little mishap.

We have comeplely oppsite opinions on this meet up clearly.

perhaps i didn't do anything which you guys suggested, but i think what i did was right? we've had the long talks, the apologies, the crying down the phone, the self destruction parts ... the forgiveness comes unconditionally. in my head if you love someone then its unconditional and as such you should forgive ... whether or not you can overcome it and be together seems different though, and this is what we still need to work on, if at all.

i doubt she thinks she's got me in the bag? maybe she does... but if this was the case then she woulda known from when we first had the crappy convocations after she kissed the guy that i was "in the bag".

i certainly havn't forgotten about what happened, but it was a first step. from here we maybe go for a drink, if we decide to kiss then i'll let it ... i won't sleep with her though until we've sorted everything if it is to be sorted. if she wants to date again then this will be good news BUT conditional on a long talk, taking it slow etc and finding the reasons she kissed the guy. like i said above if it was due to some inadequacy between us then i'd seriously consider leaving it, but that needs to be left till then ... if its cos she was just so ****ing drunk that she couldn't walk then whats the problem with forgiving that? i've done it before and cant even remember it happening only to get forgiven which seems fair?

if she ends up telling him that she misses him and wants to get back with him...THEN he can bring up all these issues and discuss them with her. and he shouldn't agree to try things out with her again UNTIL she openly discusses these things with him and they come to some kind of understanding.

yeh ... basically what the lady said

[girl68]

I think at 21 you're still much to young to be jumping back in...

[eonbar]

I think at 21 you're still much to young to be jumping back in...

very possibly.
its hard when you bring age into it. my mum and dad were married when they were 21 and now at 55 they are the most in-love people i think i know.
im not trying to emulate such a brilliant and lucky love life, but it just shows me that age shouldn't be a factor i think....?

i dunno. if it was meant to be it would be you know....?