Need Help I have questions. Should i contact the guy she cheeted on me with for info

[gregorymoto]

Ok So hear is the short story.
My girl friend and feince of 4 years cheated on me 5 months ago with a guy that she was friends with in NY 9 years ago. I knew about the guy and heard her talk of him often over the years. I knew if he ever came around there would be an issue. Guess what he did, right when i was out of town and we where having a rough patch and having a hard time moving through it. During my trip i had to keep telling my self " you love her and you trust her" but i knew. I had felt that she had blown this crush up into fantasy. I should also point out that she has very little experience in relationships for a 36 year old.

So after she cheated on me she was torn, she did not know if she wanted to be with him or me. She needed time to sort it out. At least that is what she tells me. Sometime she only tells me the things that work in her favor. or make her look good. She is sort of a lawyer at times. She does not lie well sometimes she does to protect me. But i always see through it.

Anyway. So she is with me now and i must say, this whole thing put us closer together. Our life is real good and i love her and I trust her in all areas but with him, i don't think she will do this again unless this guy is back in the picture. O ya, she cut off all contact with him. She does not trust her self as well. She tells me that even if he try's to get her back she will not go. She is dedicated to us. I do believe that is what she wants but i believe he could effect her in a way that would kill us.
I know she is still thinking of him even now. It scares me. I cant ever go through that ever again. If i do, i'm going to hurt him, and that is not the kind of guy i want to be.
There are a few things i want to know and i don't think she will give me an honest answer. I'm not sure why i want to know, and i'm not sure what i will do with the information. But it keep popping up in my head
So I'm thinking of contacting him and asking him some questions.

1) Did she chose to be with me or did he chose not to be with her.
2) What was there agreement. Was she giving him time to make up his mind or was it like she told me. She needed time to make up her mind. I know that could work both ways at the same time.
I have a sneaking suspision that early on in in all this bull shit, she had made up her mind to keep us together so that he could make up his mind about if he should leave his girl friend for her. O ya as soon as all this happened he took off for Europe. and I know for a fact that she lied to me about her looking for plane tickets to go see him. I know that during the time when she told me she want to be with me she was looking at plane tickets to Europe.
I wounder if she was going to go and try and brake them up.


Should I want know if I'm the runner up in all this. Now one more time, I know she loves me. But i also know that she can create delusions in her head so that things will fit into her ideal fantasy. She even told me that allot of what she was feeling toward him was based off of delusion that she made while building him up in her head. But i still wonder if she revisits the emotions even though they have little base in real love and emotions.

Is it healthy to be with someone that longs for another?
Is it healthy to love someone with half your hart?

I'm so confused, we are so good together. I don't want to **** this up but the questions still pop in my head.
So should i contact him and try to get the info, or do i just let it ride and keep my mind on all the good that is us right now.
I don't want to loose her, i know she is learning allot of things about her self and gaining new skills and info. I want her to do this. I know this was hard for her as well. I don't know what to do. I cant get the questions out of my head.
I hope this jumble of words makes sense. There is so much to this story.
Thank you for reading

[Ariadne]

Nonononono. No. You are looking at this the wrong way. You should not contact the guy to ask questions. You should not be with her. CLEARLY she's only with you because things didn't work out with that guy. CLEARLY she would dump you in a heartbeat if he showed up on her doorstep. Dump her. Dump her dump her dump her. She doesn't appreciate you--she doesn't love you. She's already treated you like shit and she's willing to do it again if she can get with a guy that doesn't give a crap about her. She's not worth your time.

[Poetic_Partner]

I'd say "no".

Sometimes questions are better left unanswered. Do you really need to know?

Also consider this: What if he lies to you? What if she lied to him?

When all is said and done, even with your ideal answers, you won't be satisfied and you'll have more questions.

-PP

[ThirdMan]

I'd say "no".

Sometimes questions are better left unanswered. Do you really need to know?

Also consider this: What if he lies to you? What if she lied to him?

When all is said and done, even with your ideal answers, you won't be satisfied and you'll have more questions.

-PP

Exactly what he/she said. From personal experience, digging for answers will only bring pain back into the picture. Plus, the likelihood of the other guy being honest with you is slim to none.

[girl68]

That doesn't sound like trust to me.

[MerryH]

No, don't contact him. You made the decision to accept it and take her back, now you have to deal with it.

[xxazurexx]

No I wouldn't bother. You should have asked those questions back then and before taking her back.

Am unsure how you can be with someone who you know prefers another person over you btw.