What do I do about his (not sure what you call her...) kind of ex???

[Confused81]

Hi All,

I need a little advice.... my story might be a bit long but I really hope someone can give me some advice!!

Ok so here goes....

My partner and I have been together for 1 & 1/2 years now although we were best of friends for about 4 years before we finally got our act together. He absolutely loves me like there is no tomorrow, and I love him like no other. We have just bought a house together and are talking marriage and babies. I am 100% secure in our relationship and trust him 4000%, I know that he wants to be with no one but me. Sounds great hey and it is great, our life is practically perfect.

Now here's my problem he has this "friend" or ex or what ever you might want to call her. And I'm not 100% sure of the story that went on between them and to be completely honest I don't want to know. But it went something like this... They were really really close, they spent alot of time together (they worked together) and they ended up in bed together a few times (or maybe more but that's one of the details I dont want to know!!) even though she already had a partner with kids. This is an area I'm shady on as he never spoke about her to me... Either he wanted to be with her but she wouldnt leave her partner or she wanted to be with him but he wouldnt do it.... I dont know but either way there was definately something there between them and from whats been going on I'd say it was that she wouldnt leave her partner....

She is the needy type and plays the victim, but ever since he got together with me he gets constant emails and text messages saying things like "I cant believe you've done this to me" "you said you loved me, how can you be with someone else when you said you loved me" "You are the love of my life" "you are my soul mate" "why are you with her, she's no good for you, you should be with me" (she also knew me beforehand as I worked for both of them, they were my bosses originally) and the list goes on and on and on. I wont go into any more detail on what the emails or text's say because there is so many of them and some of them are quite long!! I'm sure you get the picture though.

Like I said we have been together for a year and a half and he is 100% committed to me but this crap really gets on my nerves that it is still going on. We have a completely open and honest relationship and a no secrets policy even if we know what we are going to say might upset the other person. This is how I know that she is still doing this - he tells me. I do appreciate the fact that he tells me this and I deal with it a whole lot better than I used to. It used to completely eat me up inside but I think at that stage I wasn't so secure in our relationship.

I hope this is all making sense, it's hard to try and get the whole story out.

My partner is the type of person that would never say a bad word to anyone, would never intentionally hurt anyone and has the most beautiful soul I have ever known in a person. I shouldnt be surprised if someone else cant quite let hom go hey He is over her crap as well and I dont know exactly if he has told her that for fear of hurting her but he tells me all the time that he's sick of it.

I'm not upset or angry about it I think I'm just more disappointed than anything that it's still going on, I dont know what to say to him about it, we dont fight about it or anything but I just want him to tell her once and for all to bugger off and get out of our lives.... (it's kind of hard when they still work for the same company, although they are at least in different locations these days!!)

Hehehe I dont even know if any one can help me with this problem (but it feels really good to vent anyway!!!!) or if I just keep plodding along with my man being open and honest and knowing that one day she will find someone else to replace him because she is just that sort of person that needs someone there all the time.

[Confused81]

Oh and one more thing....

All of his friends have told him that she is poison and that he needs to get her out of his life but he spent so many years protecting her and keeping her under his wing that he still feels obliged to do that....

Thank you for listening!!!

[VincenzoG91]

Look at the threads at the top of this page, specifically the one about Shining Knight Syndrome. It's interesting and relevant to your situation. Maybe you could print that thread out and get him to read it, to see his problem for what it is.

[xxazurexx]

I'm thinking that if you trust him 4000%, then you wouldn't let this worry you.

You'd write her off as a basketcase who fancies your bloke, but be 4000% secure in the knowledge he'd never go there.

I'd only be insecure and if I had doubts about whether he would go there or not, if I sorta didn't trust him totally.

[RockNRoll]

If you are so confident about your man, then that "kind of ex" is not your problem, but his. She is trying to get (at least) some emotions from him. And he might not enjoy it. You seem to have a great relashionship. Helping/asking him to stop a strange ex getting on his nerves might not be more difficult than buying a house together. Speak about it with him, make sure he knows that you trust him completely (I hope you are saying truth) and care about him, so it's natural that you don't want him to be bothered by some crazy woman.

[Confused81]

Thanks for your replys!! I do seriously and honestly trust him.... I do know that he would never go there, I am his life and that is never going to change. This little issue can't and won't come between us.

I think I just really wanted to vent to someone other than him!! We do talk about it every few months or so, it's certainly not at the top of our topics of conversation, and he does know that I find it annoying. In saying that, I think he finds it more annoying than I do but doesn't know how to deal with it.

I really appreciate his honesty with the whole situation as well, I know it's hard for him to say "this is whats been happening, I thought you should know" I'm the last person in the world that he wants to upset, but I believe that the honesty only makes our relationship stronger.

Thanks again for your replys!!