don't recognize her anymore (long story)

[rubenblades]

4 years ago a met a girl who I liked from the beginning. the first year the feelings were not mutual so we were just friends. We started growing to each other and became REALLY good friends .Then she told me in 2008 the feelings did become mutual and we kissed and stuff. everything was wonderfull, but a month later she said she made a mistake and that she just wanted to be friends. That's when i noticed she has a incredibly strong fear of commitment.

Ok we were friends again for a year, but a year later in 2009 we made out again, but this time she told me it was just "lust", that i didnt have to expect anything, we were still just friends.

Then from 2009 till september of 2010 (so till 2 months ago), we got closer then EVER. We had hour long conversations, about al kinds of subjects. We really started getting closer and closer, and any time I needed her she was there for me, and me for her. We live in different cities, but when i felt down, she would come all the way just to be with me. She told me she had never trusted someone as much as me, and she told me secrets nobody else knew. It was clear that we were falling in love, and since i had known her for 4 years, I started thinking, this is the girl i want to marry. When we were together she looked at me with a loving stare and everybody could see we were in love, we couldnt stop holding hands and cuddling.

She told me that things were really good, that we had really grown. So she asked me to be her boyfriend. Now, she asked me this in a way I did not understand she was really askin me to be her boyfriend: She said, so what are we gonna do? And I answered: i like how things are now, meaning that i liked the fact we were falling in love. Besides, I didnt wanna push her, cause every time I had done that she had taken her distance, i wanted to be really carefull not to push her away from me AGAIN.

So from that moment on she started to act like "just friends" again. I could notice she still liked me, but she did act a little cold. So i thought: "not again!". Three weeks ago i asked her why she was acting like just a friend. So she got REALLY upset, and told me she asked me to be her boyfriend and i had answered no. I told her i didnt knew that she was asking me, and that I didnt want to push her away, that i was just bein carefull wth her feelings. So she yells: "well bad luck, im over it". I had never seen her so upset.

The days after that she wouldnt talk to me and if i called her she would get mad and tell me to not call her. so i didnt call her anymore and wrote her a letter explaining everything, and telling her how much she meant to me, and that if she really wanted to take distance i would understand.

Then 4 days after wrting the letter she send me a textmessage: "Thanks for the letter, it's a beautiful goodbye". I mind you, this girl had been like a sister for me the last year. I called her immediately, and the first thing she told me was to "**** off" then i said what the hell is going on, we are best friends. She said that she was done with it, that she did not want to be friends anymore. She told me she did not trust me anymore, because i had been in love with her from the start, and she hung up.

Now how hypocrit is that? She was in love with me too! Now she is acting like we we were always just friends, and as if i was secretly in love with her for 4 years. This was NOT the case. She liked me too, she was always the one to make a move, she was the one to cross the borders of friendship every time i had accepted we were just friends. she was the one to ask me to be her boyfriend.

I really dont recognize her anymore. She says she doesnt want anything to do with me anymore, but untill 2 weeks ago i was the only person she had ever really trusted?? I thinks she means it, she really want to say goodbye for no reason, after 4 years of love and friendship.

Any advice?

[rubenblades]

Anyone? I really feel like I lost my love and best friend, but also my faith in love and friendship. We really were like soulmates...and not for a few months but years...

[madotnw_nihs]

Just to start off, I am a guy. It is a little difficult to figure what really happened to her. I do get the feeling she has a problem with commitment. I also feel that she gave you a very small window to say yes. In which, if you didn't, she would never give you that opportunity again. If this is the case, I feel that she will be a tough nut to crack. She seems insecure and delicate. If you really think she is worth it, try to ride it out a little longer and see if she would come around.

take care

[Always_Learning]

i'm also a guy. and let me preface this comment that it's always easier said than done, AND much easier to give objective unbiased advice when one is removed from the situation. but i've been in your shoes and as much as i don't follow the advice i'm about to give because it's so dang hard to pony up and deal with reality vs. fantasy here is my two cents.

i'd try and ask myself if i were you, "am i happy on my own? or do i rely on her to help make me happy?" if you're relying on her for your own happiness, you're setting yourself up for along future of pain and angst. and trust me, i'm currently in counseling learning how to be happy on my own and less co-dependent. it's hard to do.

next, i sincerely wonder about her past and what happened to make her so terrified of being hurt. it appears that she doesn't have the ability to trust. as soon as any sort of threat is introduced, she bails. we all need someone who is secure enough to trust. she seems to be very insecure and that in itself is another huge red flag and potential time bomb. insecurity is the root of all evils in relationships in my opinion. it's also one of the hardest things to deal with and conquer. it can be like the devil when you're a drunk and trying to quit drinking. it's always waiting around the corner trying to suck one in. i fight the same issues. so i can only encourage you to be as mentally healthy and sound as you can be. in the end you're providing yourself with the tools to navigate your next challenging relational situation.

hope that helps.

[rubenblades]

Well what happened in her past is that her mom died, and her mom meant everything for her offcourse.

[Always_Learning]

That's a tough one man. Seems like she's still reeling from that as one can expect. Just encourage her to seek counseling to deal with the issues that come from losing a loved one. I too lost a parent, but it's always different for each person so I cannot comment on how she is feeling =(

Let no one ever be afraid of counseling. It is a great gift. We all need it. He/she who bashes the idea probably needs it most.

[rubenblades]

I lost a parent too, and that was one of the things that she was the only one I could really talk to about it. Thats why I really feel like I lost my best friend. She told me that after her mom past away she did have counselling...

[Always_Learning]

counseling is a life long journey. you have more than just her to talk to, it seems you got fixated on talking to her and wouldn't accept anyone else? perhaps? i think you would do well to seek counseling yourself in order to be mentally healthy. it will allow you to better see things for what they are. i'd bet you're letting her define your happiness, rather than finding it within. at the end of the day, we're all responsible for our own feelings. they are the only thing we have control over.

might not be what you want to hear, but i'm just being honest.

[12345k]

she was not fair with You from that years,acting like Your girlfriend but talling that You are only friends.
But if You love her, just tell her that. i think, she felt bad when she heared from You "i like how things are now', she didn't understend You, and now she feel rejected. Talk with her and say how much You love her.

[rubenblades]

Yeah I've had other girlfriends in the mean time when we were just friends...but every second i spend with a other girl, no matter how goodlooking she was, I would think about her. I thought it was true love. But i guess your right, I depended to much to her for my hapinnes. Its a relieve letting go for now..t
ime to move on, no matter how hard that is. If i lost my dad and survived i sure as hell can lose her and survive.
@12345k like i said in my post i told her how i feel about her in a letter and she replied by saying goodbye....

[Always_Learning]

Take care of yourself for now. She will come around if it's meant to be. But try not to hang around and wait. Just be respectful of her feelings, while at the same taking care of your own needs. You'll be alright. In time everything will sort out.