lost the lady I truly loved over bullskit

[rubenblades]

4 years ago a met a girl who I liked from the beginning. the first year the feelings were not mutual so we were just friends. We started growing to each other and became REALLY good friends .Then she told me in 2008 the feelings did become mutual and we kissed and stuff. everything was wonderfull, but a month later she said she made a mistake and that she just wanted to be friends. That's when i noticed she has a incredibly strong fear of commitment.

Ok we were friends again for a year, but a year later in 2009 we made out again, but this time she told me it was just "lust", that i didnt have to expect anything, we were still just friends.

Then from 2009 till september of 2010 (so till 2 months ago), we got closer then EVER. We had hour long conversations, about al kinds of subjects. We really started getting closer and closer, and any time I needed her she was there for me, and me for her. We live in different cities, but when i felt down, she would come all the way just to be with me. She told me she had never trusted someone as much as me, and she told me secrets nobody else knew. It was clear that we were falling in love, and since i had known her for 4 years, I started thinking, this is the girl i want to marry. When we were together she looked at me with a loving stare and everybody could see we were in love, we couldnt stop holding hands and cuddling.

She told me that things were really good, that we had really grown. So she asked me to be her boyfriend. Now, she asked me this in a way I did not understand she was really askin me to be her boyfriend: She said, so what are we gonna do? And I answered: i like how things are now, meaning that i liked the fact we were falling in love. Besides, I didnt wanna push her, cause every time I had done that she had taken her distance, i wanted to be really carefull not to push her away from me AGAIN.

So from that moment on she started to act like "just friends" again. I could notice she still liked me, but she did act a little cold. So i thought: "not again!". Three weeks ago i asked her why she was acting like just a friend. So she got REALLY upset, and told me she asked me to be her boyfriend and i had answered no. I told her i didnt knew that she was asking me, and that I didnt want to push her away, that i was just bein carefull wth her feelings. So she yells: "well bad luck, im over it". I had never seen her so upset.

The days after that she wouldnt talk to me and if i called her she would get mad and tell me to not call her. so i didnt call her anymore and wrote her a letter explaining everything, and telling her how much she meant to me, and that if she really wanted to take distance i would understand.

Then 4 days after wrting the letter she send me a textmessage: "Thanks for the letter, it's a beautiful goodbye". I mind you, this girl had been like a sister for me the last year. I called her immediately, and the first thing she told me was to "**** off" then i said what the hell is going on, we are best friends. She said that she was done with it, that she did not want to be friends anymore. She told me she did not trust me anymore, because i had been in love with her from the start, and she hung up.

Now how hypocrit is that? She was in love with me too! Now she is acting like we we were always just friends, and as if i was secretly in love with her for 4 years. This was NOT the case. She liked me too, she was always the one to make a move, she was the one to cross the borders of friendship every time i had accepted we were just friends. she was the one to ask me to be her boyfriend.

I really dont recognize her anymore. She says she doesnt want anything to do with me anymore, but untill 2 weeks ago i was the only person she had ever really trusted?? I thinks she means it, she really want to say goodbye for no real reason, after 4 years of love and friendship. I also told her that she was treating me as if i cheated on her, and she said that she doesnt have any feelings for me.

Any advice? Please comment, I'm 26 and have had plenty of girlfriends but this lady I loved to death. I really wanted to spend my life with her.

[misombra]

i love ruben blades.

but anyway, it sounds like she was looking for a way out. she wasn't up front enough.

[xxazurexx]

Sounds to me and like she's pissed off hanging around and awaiting of you deciding if you want a relationship or not.

When she asked about you two being an item and you said you liked things the way they were, she has taken that to mean that you aren't interested in a relationship and I'd have taken it to mean the same.

It sounds very similar to what I have going with some guy and it's been 3 years for us. I get pissed and because I don't know where I'm standing with him and I try all ways to piss him off into leaving. I've quit talking to him and everything in the past...but he keeps coming back and I'm daft enough to talk to him again.

I dunno...what do you want? If you want to be with her, then mail her and explain your feelings, etc. It's all you can do and at least you will get your answer to what's going on/what she wants.

Also I suspect she is using emotional blackmail. Cutting you off and to spite you and because you said you liked things the way they were....but she wants more.

I've done it myself.....'embarrassed look'

[rubenblades]

@xxazzurexx
Thanks for the reply. But I did explain her how I feel about her, I even wrote her a letter after the fight telling her the truth. And she answered this letter by saying goodbye..

[xxazurexx]

@xxazzurexx
Thanks for the reply. But I did explain her how I feel about her, I even wrote her a letter after the fight telling her the truth. And she answered this letter by saying goodbye..

Shes just pissing you around and wanting you to run after her.

Leave her alone for a while and she will shit her pants because she will think you have forgotten her.

LOL....I know this stuff well...

[rubenblades]

I really hope you are right. But I'm afraid not..she never ever told me to **** off before...and besides she told me she's over it

[xxazurexx]

I really hope you are right. But I'm afraid not..she never ever told me to **** off before...and besides she told me she's over it

People will say anything in the heat of the moment. I've said the same a thousand times over and always went back - or I'd speak to him again when he came back.

Just give it a little time and give her time to cool off. That is what he tends to do with me - give me a 'cooling off' period, then he comes back.

[rubenblades]

Well azure..i know what you mean..she has ome back several times before...something just feels different about this time...like she is really done with me and wants to say goodbye..only time will tell, im going to keep my distance and go on with my life

[xxazurexx]

Well azure..i know what you mean..she has ome back several times before...something just feels different about this time...like she is really done with me and wants to say goodbye..only time will tell, im going to keep my distance and go on with my life

Things have felt different in my situation too and I'd had every intention ending it and he was prob thinking the same - but I went back or he came back...even after a 3 month period in which we didn't talk.

Actually I'm preparing to let him go again, only this time and in my situation it's for good. i''ve been there and back more than just several times but a million times and nothing changes and I have good reasons for finally letting go.

But yeah, I'd advise just sitting back and see what happens from here.

Give it time and then perhaps send a quick email asking how she is, etc. If she likes you and misses you, trust me she will respond.

[IncognitoSir]

Come on, be for real. You worshiped the ground she walked on. Why would she think you were turning her down? She already knew you RALLY liked her years ago and you were still around"waiting"on her!SHESthe one who doesn't know what she wants. And for her to drop you like that, is bull shit! Theres more to her side of this, there always is when someone changes right before your eyes. That guy feeling you have about something not being right with this whole situation............follow it!!

[twinrexes]

Your first mistake was entering the "friend zone" to begin with. That's a really tough place to get out of once you're in.

Then, of course, there's her fear of commitment. Like you said yourself, every time you two got close she'd get scared and back off.

Sounds like she finally worked up the courage to take it to the next level and she thought she got rejected. Which is the thing she'is probably even more afraid of than commitment. See, we commitment-phobics would rather reject someone preemptively than wind up being rejected in the end. And we always think things are bound to end that way, so why not do the dumping first rather then wait around to get dumped.

Now, if this lady no longer had any feelings for you she wouldn't have gotten so worked up. The opposite of love is hate, the two go hand in hand. If she acted completely indifferent, THAT would mean she doesn't care. But if she's acting angry and hateful, it's love turned inside-out. She still has feelings.

I would back off completely if I were you and see what happens. If she does still care she'll miss you.

But ask yourself, do you think you can ever get this woman to come around and trust you, trust the relationship, and not get scared and run. She may be someone who's just not capable of real connection.

[rubenblades]

Well she did came back..after a few months..

[rubenblades]

It took two months, and I missed her like crazy. but she did came back. I acted kinda cold, and she pursued me and eventually we met eachother for diner and she apologized for her childish behavior, and I admitted I had been too insecure too. So we both apologized. The spark seemed to be back that same night, it was like we were in love all over again I reallyy noticed she felt happy to be with me again and it felt incredible.

But now it seems we are back to the infinite circle again (4 years!). Things are back to normal. That is: I dont know where we stand, she gives me mixed signals. Like one moment she stares at me like she is in love, but the other day she said: "I just came back to you to save our friendship." One moment I'm pretty sure she loves me as more then a friend, the other moment I'm sure she just sees me as a friend. I told her I wouldnt make the same mistake again, that if she would give me another chance in love i would grab it. But at the moment it seems we are back to 2008-2009, me fighting to win her heart. (in 2010 i finally won her heart but i screwed up being to insecure to ask her to be my girlfriend)

Also it seems the only way to win her heart is by playing games. Like not calling her for a week makes her go nuts. But if I give her too much attention she acts a little cold. I know her very well, and know that playing this little games works. But I'm really tired of this games.

I could ask her to be my girl now, but it doesnt seem the right moment. I know that once she is ready for it she wont give me mixed signals anymore, but only positive signals. Cause that's what happened in may 2010 when she was ready to start a relationship with me. When we first met after the 'fight' she told me that she was really waiting for me to officially ask her to be my girlfriend back then. But as it seems now she prefers to be friends although its obvious she still has feelings (sometimes). Also she told me the trust between us has to grow again.

Hope u give me ur opinion on this.

[Take2]

My opinion is that you will never be happy with this nut. She needs to play mind games and control you to feel secure. She has to keep you confused and on edge to feel good about you. That is not sustainable over time, so whenever you get comfortable, she has to stir the pot. Let her go for real. Tell her you love her and want to be with her, if she can learn to be open and discuss where you stand. But making you guess and punishing you for guessing wrong isn't fair or right. And be prepared for her to leave in a huff. But she needs to grow up if there is any future for you two. Unless she does, find someone else.

[rubenblades]

She IS a very good friend. She is very concerned. She's always there for me, when i need her she runs to me and vice versa. Its just the 'love' part thats wicked