How to stay strong?

[cycletease]

How do you stay strong with a break up when you feel like you are going to die? I broke up with my boyfriend last night and I am devastated. I miss him and I love him and I can't imagine life without him.

He wants to work through things, he wants to see me, he keeps calling... I just don't know how I can do this. Why does it have to be so all consuming? Why can't it be as easy as the advice you would give to another?

[JasonRebel17]

Why did u broke up with him in the first place, since u still love him? if u still got feelings for him than give him another chance.....u make the choice and u know wat might happen.......the last girl i really love , i didnt have a choice but i got to broke up with her, why? cause i had to move , but it was like 7 months ago. so the next choice u make is really up to u...........it's hard to be strong and not letting ur feeling show, but sometime it show. if u dont love him anymore, just stop seeing him , or just be friend...that help a little.

[abercromqt20]

Yeah Jason's right. you need to give us a little more background information to help you out. i mean how long were you 2 dating? Why did you break up with him? Either way i think since you made the choice to break up with him, if you really believe in your decision, you need to stick to your guns. Not just for u, but for him too!! Don't let him persuade you into anything. That's not how a relationship should be. It should be a conscience decision on your part whether or not you want to be with this guy. Depending on how long you 2 were together and how close you were, you may want to have a friendship somewhere down the line. But trust me, no matter what this guy says, he is not ready for that. You 2 can only be friends once he is really over you. otherwise it will cause nothing but problems. So to answer your question, i don't really know how to tell somebody how to stick to their guns. i would say be honest with him. don't just ignore his phone calls, and pretend you fell off the face of the Earth. Next time he calls i would seriously tell him how things are going to be. Be like i don't think we should talk anymore, maybe one day, but right now if i don't answer my phone when you call it's for both of our own goods. And then stick to it. no matter how many times he calls, or text messages or whatever. But atleast this way he does get an honest explaination and isn't left wondering.

[Laguna]

I'm going through the same process except she broke up with me 2 weeks aho, etc. Now she just wants a break and told me not to call and I feel like I cannot live without her. All I want it a relationship.

Cycletease, you aren't my ex-girlfriend are you? lol

[cycletease]

I'm going through the same process except she broke up with me 2 weeks aho, etc. Now she just wants a break and told me not to call and I feel like I cannot live without her. All I want it a relationship.

Cycletease, you aren't my ex-girlfriend are you? lol

I can promise you that I am not her!

[cycletease]

Ok, I caved. I suck at break ups!!!

We have been dating for nearly four years and have known each other much longer than that. He is my closest friend for many good reasons. We share many like interests, we both have a passion for learning and history, we are both free spirited and social. It is difficult to find someone to match so many things about your character and as a result the relationship is really easy. We take road trips together, ride motorcycles together and are busy almost every second running off and doing fun things together.

The problem? Well in spite of all of his good qualities he has some bad ones. He is the most self-centered person that I have ever met. It is actual difficult for him to think about anybody other than himself. He tends to be moody and grumpy and, of course, takes it out on me when he is. I am what one would describe as a people pleaser and he takes so much from me that I feel like I just need to get away before he drains me completely.

New Years weekend went really badly and he was a monster the whole time. We were out of town with a group and he alienated everyone there. At dinner he expressed that he was angry with me for going to the movies with my sister to a film he wanted to see...this is so absurd since I decline nearly every invitation to do anything if he cannot attend with me. After this I felt like I had to leave him since obviously all that I have given to him is not enough...he will just continue to take and take until there is nothing left of me.

This sounds pretty horrible and I am not unaware of my own failings in this. I am not what someone would normally describe as wishy-washy. I have a strong personality and a clear idea of who I am and what I need. The problem is that my desire to have my loved ones be happy is more important to me than nearly anything else. I know that I should be stronger in this relationship and not allow him to overpower me all the time...but I cannot be a person that I am not and neither can he.

So last night he came over to discuss some things. We had pre-engaged to see some friends a couple of weeks ago and I was telling him that I wouldnt go. Either way, he said he wanted me to go and at least we could be friends. This is laughable since we all know that there is no way to be friends after dating for 4 years! What, am I going to sit there and chat with him about his new girlfriend...act like we had no history...no way! We had a long talk about things while he was over.

I have been really honest during this whole thing. I haven't hidden my feelings or tried to be hurtful to make the break-up easier. I know he feels blindsided by this whole thing because I pretty much bite my tongue unless things get really bad. He expressed that he doesnt want me to sacrfice myself on his behalf, that he wants me to be more because I am dating him, not less. He said it is hard on him because I never express my own needs and it leaves him wondering all the time. He agreed to be more supportive of my social life outside of him. I agreed to make an effort to put forth my own needs.

I figure that even if we end up breaking up for good at some point, it will do me some good to grow stronger and put myself as more of a priority in a relationship. This is a shortcoming of mine and if I can grow in this relationship I will be a better person for it.

Do you think I made the wrong choice? Do you think I am a coward?

[abercromqt20]

it sounds like you made a pretty good decision. you both sat down and talked about things and agreed to work on things. which is a start. a very good start. it will work as long as both of you stick to it and really try to work on those things. Don't get lazy. otherwise you very well could end up in a vicious cycle of break ups over the same thing every time!!!! It's fine to work things out. That's what a relationship is for. Just make sure along the way you are both still working on it and you'll be all good!

[cycletease]

it sounds like you made a pretty good decision.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply! It is always so hard to know the correct path when everything in relationships is subjective. I don't want to make any rash decisions that I might regret, escpecially since I do care about this guy. Past experience in relationships gets me nervous, however, and I don't want to be cheating myself by staying when I should go.

Because we found some common ground and areas where we both could improve I felt that there was enough hope to continue. So much of this is communication issues...as it usually is...it is a life's work to learn to communicate effectively.

I guess we will see, but if I learn something from this it will have been worth it even if it doesn't end up working out.

[Timber]

I find that everytime you learn something new from the relationship you get one day of peace. If you come to some major conclusions, you get a couple of days peace. You just need to analyze it until theres nothing new to work out. It becomes easier to ignore after that.

[Thefrey]

You need to find reasons for living other than him like family and cling onto it for dear life.

[ka_xx]

cycletease, I really have learned a lot from just reading the posts here. I am in the same sort of situation I feel, and it's nice to hear about a relationship that hasn't gone a stray from cheating or anything like that. I would be very interested to know how you keep the communication lines open. That is why I believe me and my boyfriend of 3 years are apart right now. Although I am only 17, and he is 19 I feel I also know what I want in life, and am waiting for the oppurtunity to talk to him about things. I think you made a very good decision, and you are not a coward, after all you are only human. =)

[bluesummer]

You can still be very in love with someone and not want a relationship with them anymore.....and that sometimes hurts more than breaking up due to negative circumstances. My ex and I were together 5 years (from 17-22), and we still loved each other a lot when we ended it, but we had become very different people who wanted very different things. We began to resent each other's differences and were emotionally abusive to each other, so we knew it had to end. It felt like tearing off a piece of my soul, and I cried for weeks and months, and sometimes I thought I even wanted him back but then I'd remind myself why I wanted the breakup in the first place. Its been almost 3 years, and I still love him and miss him but I know it was a good choice to move on. So if the relationship doesn't feel right to you, know you've made a good decision in moving on. Its ok to cry and love him and miss him. As for being friends......it seems impossible but time heals all wounds. It can happen.

[Tonia2]

God you sound so similar to me, it is uncanny. I am such a people pleaser, and that is exactly what i did in the relationship that you gave me such good advice about on the other thread. I pedalled harder and harder, because i was scared if i stopped i would find out that he didn't really care. Turns out that i probably made him not care anyway because i was doing all the work.

Have you ever had any addiction probs? Or been with people who do? I think they tend to go hand in hand. I find it so hard to focus on myself, and my worst fear is that people won't like me/ value me. Despite all that, paradoxically my mates would say I am extremely forthright, opinionated and feisty, but I don't seem to be able to carry this through to my relationships. I know that I am quite a funny, clever woman, but I often subsume myself in others and lose sight of this. Maybe this break will be a good thing for me. What is the latest on your relationship? He sounds like quite a nice guy, despite his shortcomings - who hasn't got shortcomings, eh?

The truth is that people will only treat us as badly as we allow ourselves to be treated. My bf is a wonderful guy who is intrinsically very kind (if a little arrogant) but really a nice guy. However, I sometimes brought out the worst in him as I never really challenged his behaviour. Sounds like you are a lot further down the 'self-worth' journey than I am if you are able to take positive action and break up with him. I have always clung to bad relationships for much too long. Which makes this one so sad, as it was a really good, healthy relationship for me in so many ways!

[cycletease]

The truth is that people will only treat us as badly as we allow ourselves to be treated.

This is a very insightful quote. I hope others will read this and take it to heart. If we do not value ourselves, others will not value us. Of course, knowing this on paper does not make it easier to practice for those of us who naturally put our own needs and feelings aside.

I think people pleasers can often create the selfish monsters that they end up with by allowing behavior that others would not allow. I notice in my sister's relationship problems that have never existed in any of mine. I don't think it is anything necessarily different about her choice of mate but by how she lets them treat her. For me, if someone were to insult me or treat me badly overtly they would get a close encouter with the curb. For her, she would wrather not have a fight about it and just ignore (but it isn't truly ignoring since you end up taking all negative things to heart) it.

Tonia, it sounds like you and I have a lot in common...which is why I identify so readily with your situation. You asked about my background, my parents divorced when I was very young and my mother was a hands off sort of parent. After he second divorce at age 9 I was pretty much placed in charge of the household any my 3 younger brothers (my older sister had moved in with my father by this time). Being in charge of a household and developing as a caretaker effects who you are and consequently I carry that through to my adult life. I certainly wouldn't trade this life since it has given me so many things, including maturity at a young age, appreciation for my family, a stong work ethic, etc., but it also has created some issues that I have spent years trying to work out.

[cycletease]

Relationship Update for all those who are interested.

The breakup happened on January 3rd, reconciliation on January 4th.

Several major talks since then and things are going the best that they ever have. The boyfriend who always avoided relationship talks has actually started conversations himself. We are communicating better than ever before and it is a relief.

There were several issues that we needed to work on:

1) His self-centeredness and constant taking from me.
He is trying really hard right now to take my needs into consideration more. This is a challenge for him and doesn't come naturally so any small step is huge for him. I actually broke into tears at work the other day when he emailed me out of the blue asking me about something for myself and expressing interest in something that was just for me. This was a breakthrough and I felt at that moment that maybe things really could work.

I know a lot of this relies on me so I am really trying to create boundaries. This is a challenge for me. I am trying to express my needs and desires more...even if it is small like what I would like for dinner. I know it sounds silly but it is big for me.

2) His moodiness
He was willing to take a look at himself and acknowledge his tendency to be grumpy.. We made an agreement that I will not put up with his bad moods. I told him that all of us go through times when we are not feeling agreeable but part of being an adult is being self aware and keeping ourselves in check. I want him to be more aware of how he treats me, in turn if he is not treating me well I am going to leave the situation and allow him to stew by himself.

3) My social life sacrifice
So I took a huge step! I went out for drinks with my guy friends on a friday night when I knew that he had no plans. Normally I would suspend my life until I heard if he had plans...then it was generally too late for me to make my own. It was super hard for me but I did it. I made plans and went out. He was actually happy about me doing it because he felt that I was really working on improving things.

Since then I have gone out drinking with the girls, have made a regular date night with my sister and am going away for a few weekend trips with my friends.

Since all of this has come to a head, these adjustments have made a huge impact on the relationship. He is now really responsive and happy to see me. He calls me to tell me that he misses me. He is more forthcoming about his feelings towards me. Before he had gotten to the point where he was really ambivalent and uninterested, which was completely unacceptable to me.

I told him during one of our talks that I deserve a man who is head over heels in love with me. A guy who can't believe how lucky he is to have landed me. One who thinks of me and smiles, sees me an get butterflies. I know this sounds mushy, but that is what he has with me and I deserve to have someone who reciprocates. Lately he is making me feel that this is what I have.

We will see how well this continues but I am really optimistic right now. I will keep you all posted with any developments.