In a verrrry sticky situation... maybe?

[TheTooya]

Well, some of you may remember my previous posts, most probably don't.

I am in a very interesting rut. I am a graduate student (23) who will be starting my full-time job as a software developer this January. My girlfriend (21) is finishing her undergraduate degree this May, and then she will live with me (most likely).

My mother has discovered that my girlfriend will be "shacking up" with me several hours ago, and has gone ape shit. There has already been slight drama in the past between my mom and girlfriend, check my earlier topics and you'll see what I mean.

Anyhow, my mother/father bought a property off of me that would cost exactly my tuition. They did this to help me, obviously, but since this situation has arose, one of the manny voice messages left states that I will need to cover the cost of Graduate School myself, as well as the down payment for my new apartment that they told me they would cover.

This... is kind of uncool, but **** it, a month of my salary (or month and a half) I will be able to pay for my semesters tuition up front... so I won't actually bitch.

Additionally, I was told to not come back home (Japan) for Christmas, since I am a disgrace to the family, etc....

My mom has sent my girlfriend a message, demanding she gives my mom her parent's contact information (for which my mom will then explain the situation, and try to have my girlfriends parents reprimand her). What, the, hell, we are supposedly adults! >_<

...*sigh*

I think I am mostly just ranting, but I want to see what other people think about my situation, am I in the wrong? Is it wrong for me to think, "I am an adult now, I can make my life decisions (such as who I want to date/marry) for myself"... or should I be factoring how my parents feel more?

And even more importantly, I will be pretty broke up until January 15th. January 15th I will get my sign-on bonus and first paycheck. My credit is kind of shitty.

My tuition is $20,000. By the end of February, I will have made enough to cover my tuition. Despite my poor credit will I be able to establish a bank loan that I will pay off before March?


Thank you very much, my night has been going ****ing aweeeeesome!

[warriormaiden]

Wait. Your parents want to call HER parents, to have like a parental conference? WOW.

Um, no, you're not wrong in feeling the way that you do. But I think when it comes to our parents handling our tuition and bills, some discretion kind of comes in to play.

Like I would never tell my mom that I'm leaning towards becoming an Agnostic, because I live in her home and she pays for my college tuition, and she's also going to be paying for Law School as well. I mean, yes, they should respect you as an adult......but since they're going to be paying for your apartment, I think it's no more than fair that they know whose going to be moving in with you, and if they agree with it.

Now do I think they're overreacting? Hell yes.

My advice will be, wait till you are completely on your own to 'shack up.'

[girl68]

Being an adult to means financially responsible since they're still helping you (in a really, really big way) I wouldn't say you're as much of an adult as you think you are.

[TheTooya]

Being an adult to means financially responsible since they're still helping you (in a really, really big way) I wouldn't say you're as much of an adult as you think you are.

I want financial independence, but they want to still be involved with every aspect of my life <________<.

Anyhow, a quick update, we have made up, but I still told my parents I am covering my tuition and am picking my own apartment. End-of-story.


My only real pet peeve was they told me to not visit back for Christmas. Since I have told them I will not be living in the same apartment as my girlfriend right now, they have lightened up in a big way, and now I do get to visit my younger sister, rest of family. 0.0

[girl68]

I think you just need to stand your ground! Maybe I don't understand but are they paying for your rent or apartment in any way? If they are, they have every right to dictate "who gets to live under their roof!"

Either way I have a story of parents threateing all sorts of "ape shit" on their kids. Friend A had an affair. Parents SUPER religous and proud rich parents who set Friend A up with her husband in wonderful paired marriage. It was somewhat arranged but we should probably say guided relationship. Family's rich friends, sucessful son. YOu get the idea a marriage parents can be proud of. Well she didn't love him, had an affair and for 2 freaking years tried soooooooooooo hard to get her paretns to accept a divorce. They wouldn't they threanted to disown her. Hated her, said they would never forgive, bad daughter blah blah blah. Well 4 years later she's divorced. JUST starting to speak to her parents again. Her parents don't speak to her bf. But do invite him to dinners.

She stood her ground but it took a helluva lot to get through. Basically my guess EMPTY THREATS.

[TheTooya]

For clarification, I will be covering my own rent. They wanted me to not waste money renting an apartment (and instead paying off a mortgage for something I own), so they offered to provide the security deposit. I would make payments every month.

I have turned them down, and will be getting an apartment anyhow.

It is of my impression that as long as I accept offers of help from my parents, they will believe they should have control to dictate what I can and can't do...

Even though I am paying for my grad school, and paying for my living expenses, they still are demanding I not live with my girlfriend right out of college. Which, sure I will give to them. If my girlfriend gets a job in Austin TX, then she will not live in my apartment, but get a separate one.

They believe that me having my girlfriend "shack-up" with me post-graduation will ruin my future, since I will be supporting her and myself.

[girl68]

For the record: you shouldn't be supporting her. She should be paying her share.

[TheTooya]

For the record: you shouldn't be supporting her. She should be paying her share.

I agree. I can understand why my parents don't want my girlfriend living immediately with me, since even if she can't support herself, I would be the one to take the fall and pay. But, she insists that she would have been paying her share of rent/food/etc.

Edit: Blegh, I guess I am in the wrong. I was just a little surprised the other night with my parents way of dealing with me making these kind of decisions. I paid for my flight over to Japan to visit them for Christmas, only to hear that unless I live separately from my girlfriend, they will bitch and I can't visit my family.

[girl68]

Draw up a contract with you gf. Yes, I know it sounds unreasonable but it's protection. In this world you don't know. She MUST have a job, a reliable one too. Just because you love her doens't mean she can get away with free rent. She's your roomate (and more) but your roomate and they always have to pay.

[TheTooya]

Draw up a contract with you gf. Yes, I know it sounds unreasonable but it's protection. In this world you don't know. She MUST have a job, a reliable one too. Just because you love her doens't mean she can get away with free rent. She's your roomate (and more) but your roomate and they always have to pay.

*shrugs* That would be the best thing to do, but as of now my gf said she is ok with living in a separate apartment for now.

[girl68]

Ok then, your parents should be able to get a grip... You seem like you "got this".

[TheTooya]

Yep, thank you for the advice and splash of cold water

[TheTooya]

Hmm... but that brings up another possibility that I thought about.

I am a software developer with a graduate degree. I have had 4 offers within the past month, and feel pretty safe and set with job security.

My girlfriend is a design major, with an undergraduate degree. What does happen if she simply does not get an offer at all? o.o

[girl68]

In that case your parents are right. Are you prepared to take on a girl with no job security ever!? I don't think so, that'd be stupid on your part. Your gf should be out there, looking hard if she can't find a job in her major tough luck- but she BETTER get A job. That's part of being grown up. Pay for your own shit, with money you earned provided it's legal, any job will do.