She says it's over after 2.5 years

[mmiller5373]

Thanks for the reply therobby3. I read your thread and will comment on it after this. My ex has always been the one to run away from problems. She's always been content with leaving things the way they were. Every time we would fight, I would be the one to step up and apologize. I was constantly showing up at her house or work to tell her I was sorry. With the exception of two or three times that she apologized. I just think she's a different kind of person. Her outlook on life is that she's right and everybody else is wrong. That's on every matter. It's nothing but selfishness. Her family can't even get along with her.

We were constantly telling each other that we loved one another. Here's the weird thing, dude. August 1st was the last time I spent time with her as her boyfriend. She cried and begged me to stay with her another night. Told me she didn't want me to leave and that she loves me so much. On August 14th, she text messaged me a picture of her holding a heart cutout, saying, "my love is all yours." Then August 17th we had a web cam chat and she was kissing me on the camera. Though I did feel some distance in her. Then, August 24th she breaks up with me. I still don't get it and probably won't ever get it.

I know I came on really strong. Trust me, I know. I've been feeling so insecure about myself since moving away and the breakup made me feel even worse about myself. I felt like if I didn't have her I was nothing. So, that desperation came out in pretty much everything I did. I don't understand why she thought I was dangerous though. I never did anything threatening or abusive to her.

That's what makes me feel like there's someone else.

[twinrexes]

Hey mmiller, it sounds like you're already on the right track. Keep those breakup books close at hand and when you're feeling crappy they'll remind you what you need to do. When life isn't going well it's easy to latch on to a relationship and think that it will make things "all better" even if the person you're hanging your hopes and dreams on isn't good for you. If her own family thinks she's selfish that should tell you something.

I've been where you were, with all the obsessing and analyzing and not letting go for months and months and it was really sick behavior on my part. I'm not sure, but I think what damn2010 meant by "dangerously desperate" is that the kind of jealousy and desperation you were feeling were very unhealthy. It makes you a danger to yourself. You drive yourself deeper down into a spiral of anger, jealousy, depression, more desperation, and on and on. Not good. So it's great that you got some clarity and started seeing the big picture. But really, stay away from Facebook and her house and her brother in law for a while. It's too easy to get caught up in it again.

Now, here's one point no one else touched on; the business about her and your mother.

I've been in a lot of relationships and I know it can suck when mothers think their kids made a bad choice. It's hard on everyone. I've now been married for 12 years and my mother in law and I have never been crazy about each other. That's been hard on my husband. BUT, we've all done more or less what we need to in order to keep things from getting ugly. My mother in law mostly pretends to like me and take an interest. I mostly pretend to like her back.

But most importantly, when there is a disagreement between her and me, my husband almost always defends his wife (me!).

If the mother and daughter-in-law don't get along, the husband has to choose. If he consistently sides with his mom, then who is his wife married to? Her mother in law? It would seem so, since she ends up controlling the relationship. That will never work out in the long run and I've seen many marriages destroyed by meddling in-laws.

This stuff starts before a couple gets married, and it sure did with you. Look out for this in the future.

[mmiller5373]

twinrexes, I'm going to go true NC this time around. That means no more calls, texts, e-mails, FBing, myspacing, or talking to her family members. I'm through. It's like when the patient told the doctor, "It hurts when I do this." Then the doctor replys, "Well, don't do that then." By talking with her or her family members it just makes matters worse. I know now.

I did all the wrong things in this relationship. I let my mother and other family members push me around. Things that really didn't even bother me about my ex, bothered me, only because my mother told me about it.

Here's the good news. I'm no longer unemployed. I got a job at a TV station (as a photojournalist, which is what I went to school for) and I'm moving out of my mom's place, back to where I went to school.
The bad news is that that's where my ex lives. That's actually why I texted her recently, to tell her I was moving back. So it's probably going to be tough at first for me, as there will be a lot of memories there for me. But I'm thinking the job will be good, as I'll have something to focus on and I'll have money to go out with friends and meet new people. It's an exciting time.

[mmiller5373]

Well, to make matters worse, now I know why she gave me a reason to act so needy and desperate. I just found some pictures of her romantically kissing another guy. These pictures were taken back in the middle of September. She broke up with me on August 24th. I guess I've finally got some closure now. Now I understand why she did everything that she did. She should have been honest with me and she's a hypocrite for not being honest. This guy must have swept in while we were having trouble. I don't know how long he's been there, don't know if she was kinda seeing him before she broke up with me. I would assume so because she's a virgin and it took us forever to kiss.

[Mybrandnewlook]

I agree with damn2010. At least sort of. Dangerous to you is mainly what I'd say. But I totally agree that you need to move on, shut her out, and focus on yourself. My advice is to focus on yourself because that's the person you can change. Whatever she was like, however she treated you, and whatever she wanted...that's the way you accepted her. Ask yourself why you didn't insist on being treated better--that's what I suggest. But I think your original post, which must have taken some courage to write, really says what's going on inside you. Maybe you should take a fresh look at what you wrote and consider what you would suggest to someone else who wrote that.

I think you have a lot of potential to be happy. Grab it. Insist on it! that's what I would hope for you.

[mmiller5373]

It's amazing what I've learned about her over the past few days. It's like she was a completely different person than I thought she was. She became someone else. I'm glad I learned all this stuff now. It makes me realize I deserve better. So much better. God help me through this rough time.

[therobby3]

Dang man... Just like my relationship, the HUGE thing that I don't understand is why was she so lovey dovey and stuff and then breaks up with you a week later?? That is EXACTLY what happened to me and I do not understand that one single bit. Love doesn't fade that fast. I seriously wish I knew that part man, like why did she make you a nice paper cut out and was even crying she wantes you to stay so bad? I do not understand that and it really makes me sad.. It sounds like even if everything seems great you can never truly know how someone else feels. =[ I don't get it man...

At least you got some closure I suppose. Hopefullyy iit will help you to get over her quicker, I know its gotta be a pretty rough thought though. =\

[mmiller5373]

Something or someone gets to them. I've read several relationship books over the past few weeks and when it comes to women, if they aren't getting respect or feeling appreciated, they're bound to search for it elsewhere. I was having trouble living far away from her. This guy must have been giving her attention while I was going through my thing. It's not true love. True love endures all. She wasn't in love with me.

The funny thing is that this guy is my exact opposite. He looks like a womanizer. I'm sure this won't last once he realizes he won't be getting any.

[therobby3]

Strange... I've heard the thing about feeling appreciated and what not too. Sometimes though, it sounds a little over-needy.. I get the impression that if we aren't appreciative with them them 24/7 around the clock they will leave. Maybe at this point, I just have the feeling that all people will eventually leave. =/

[Shariana]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, having someone you care about end the relationship is always painful and it takes a long time to come to terms with all the hurt and questions. One thing that did strike me about your posts is how much you both seem to have involved family members in your relationship.
This is never a good thing, because as you pointed out yourself, once you were over being upset at the person you were angry with, the one you were venting to was left with all sorts of negative feelings toward that person.

I also have to add that if I was on a date with someone and members of their family began yelling at me in public, I would probably never want to go near those people ever again, much less be friends with them on Facebook so I can't say I really blame your ex for that or for not saying more than hello and goodbye to your mother

Hard as it is to accept when you still have feelings for the person, sometimes relationships just can't work between two people.
It sounds to me as if you really do need to back off for your own sakek and try to stop contacting either her or her relatives so you can give yourself time to heal.

[mmiller5373]

Yeah, it's going to be hard to go back out into the world to search for love. Don't even know where to start. I think this new relationship she's in will be a but easier for her, as he's from the same culture. I just wish she would have told me about him from the beginning so I didn't prolong my moving on process.

I really do wish her the best of luck and glad that she's happy, if she is. She or her family won't hear from me again. It's time to move on.