I'm feeling the pressure

[lovemydevildog]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. Early on in our relationship (at about 3 months) he did something that completely destroyed the trust that I had in him. He didn't physically cheat... but he carried on a flirtatious sort of relationship with a married woman that he worked with for about a month. I had a key to his apartment already and one day went to surprise him to find her in there. It was an incredibly difficult thing to get through but I stuck it out because I believed in him. I actually met up with the woman, she showed me the texts between them and that he'd said he was single. As far as anything else though, her story matched his and nothing physical happened. I also found out that when we started dating, he was still involved with his ex-girlfriend. After I found out about the married woman, he continued to lie to me about the extent of the relationship and the other things that had happened for about a month.

Needless to say I was furious. Our relationship has been tough since then... I became very controlling and invasive and we fought a lot for a long time. But neither of us wanted to walk away, we knew what we felt for each other was special and that it was worth the effort. I've been on his ass about everything since. If something looks fishy, I need an explanation and I need proof, and I will not tolerate any more lying.

He is a marine, and we have talked at great lengths about what will happen if/when he deploys and I have dedicated myself completely to the concept. I have promised him that I will be there for him 100%, to support him, love him, and make sure that we come out of the deployment stronger and more in love than ever.

But last week, we were fighting a lot. He wanted to go out to a bar with some girls from work and I was really uncomfortable with it. I never have a problem with him going out with his guy friends or anything like that, but this I just wasn't okay with. He was angry with me and he told me that he wanted a break. I said that was fine, I sort of needed some space too. But then he specified that he wanted a break and that he wanted to be completely single during it for a month. I was not okay with that... needing some space is understandable and I could have used some myself, but I'm not going to just give him permission to screw around with whoever he wants and then have me waiting for him when he gets bored with it. Our fight got really out of control and I made it clear that he had an option: either stay faithful or never speak to me again. He said he would stay faithful.

Two days later I go on his old email and find nude pictures of one of his friends that she had sent to his phone and he'd emailed to himself. I go to his apartment and confront him about it, and he lies to me and says he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He has no idea how I found out, he doesn't know I have that email. There was no apology, no explanation. Later he told me that he had intended just to catch up with her and she was being flirtatious and it led to that, and that he still considered himself "single".

So I left. I was pissed, I'd had enough. An entire year dedicated to rebuilding trust and he broke another promise. But I'm caught now... because yesterday we got the news that he'll be deploying to Afghanistan next month. I always promised I'd be there for him. I really, truly love this man. I don't want to be without him and I don't want him to go through that experience without me. But I'm afraid of staying with him any longer... I'm afraid that a relationship with him with always lead to this, that he will always fool around. It's still never been anything physical but that doesn't matter to me... this crosses the line and it's not okay. He swears that since what happened early in our relationship until now he has been 100 percent faithful and I do believe that, since I've checked up on everything. I just don't want to have to do that! I want to spend time ENJOYING how much I love him instead of worrying all the time.

I just don't know what to do. He hasn't asked me to stay, could that be because he doesn't think he can be faithful? He tells me he misses me and loves me every day, I've seen him once and he broke down crying, saying that he doesn't know what to do without me.

I have never met anybody like him in my entire life. He has the ability to make me feel better instantaneously about anything in the world. We laugh constantly, we have conversations that get more interesting and insightful every day. When we catch each other's eyes across a room we both just stop and smile and know that we're loved. One touch of this man's hand and I am just a puddle of goo. He's attentive and he listens, he's genuinely interested in everything I have to say and everything that's going on in my life. He's helpful and he's sweet and he makes sure I never forget that I am beautiful and I am loved.

I want to stay. I want to be there for him like I promised. But I'm afraid that it's the wrong decision. I told him that if he ever lied to me again I would leave, so when he did this, I was sure that I couldn't stay. But now with the deployment, I feel like in the big scheme of things it isn't important.

[smackie9]

How much more proof do you need to show you how much of a dirty dog he really is? He has you so played. All he has to do is say whatever you want to hear. He lies to you all the time so who's to say he hasn't had sex with someone else. You just never caught him. Yes you are right you are making the wrong decision. You keep givinghim chance after chance and you get the same old results. Do yourself a favor and wright this jack ass of a BF off.

[girl68]

You don't trust him when he's right in front of you what makes you think you will way the hell over there?

[therobby3]

Sounds like a tricky situation. It seems most of the advice people always give is "leave them, there not worth it", but perhaps they forget how much you love the person and how much they mean to you. So I understand that it's not so easy to just forget about them like that and find someone else.

From your story however it sounds like he is not good for you and is just lying and hurting you. I would be pissed as well. Me or nobody here knows the FULL story of how you guys were together, I'm sure even though you mentioned some bad things he may still be a nice guy on the side too. Personally I would get fed up with the other person going out with the opposite sex or anything even related to that. My advice would be leave him.. But perhaps sit down and talk with him calmly and discuss things, you don't want to end it if he really is faithfully, but you don't want to keep getting toyed around with.

This sounds crazy... But perhaps he needs to SHOW that he loves you more. After all, actions speak much louder than words. You could always think of some really hard task that he has to do for you to prove he loves you... Like walk 50 miles somewhere by feet. lol, I know that sounds pretty damn crazy, but you can't say "walking 50 miles" doesn't say "i love you" alot more than the words "I love you" themself. Just a thought.

[Gratedwasabi]

I hate to tell you this but he's probably been cheating on you and he's playing you. You're the "at-home girl." He probably cares about you and likes to have the affection you offer but he loves being single far more. His solution? Tell you you're in a relationship and tell everyone else he's single. Women don't typically send guys naked photos unless they've slept with them or are very soon going to.

Using a deployment to stay together is a lot like using a child to stay together (except more like a child that's his, not yours, and you met a year and a half ago.) It's not a good reason to stay together. You can keep in contact with him if you're worried he's going to be in a bad place emotionally but you're being used. I'm not really sure what more proof you need. You already caught him with a woman in his apartment, caught him with naked photos of women he knows.. I mean come on. Do you need to watch him screw another chick until he finishes the deed to actually register that he's a cheater?

You're scared of losing him and you're building up the things you like about him to make his cheating seem less awful. He chose to enter the military. There wasn't a draft. It's his burden to carry, not yours.

[Cinnabella]

Sweetie :-(, sadly to say he's a Bastard, too obvious. I know it's so so hard to get away with someone you love but you will be likely to get hurt to stay in this relationship. He's like a dog that wants a good bf and playing at the saMe time, save yourself from it, you will be stronger person after all of this, and you deserve a better man than this :-)