Falling out of Love..Help!

[shadowy_libra]

Im married for 21 yrs with 3 perfect children. The man was great and almost perfect. But i think im falling out of love. I cant hurt him. But its showing. He even asked me, do you still love me? I said yes...can I say no? What will i do. He is hurting, I am too. Its hard to pretend...

[liamchico]

I'm sorry. I'm only 18 so I can't even pretend to know what's best for you. The one thing I can say is that honesty is truly important. You can't have a good relationship if you can't tell the truth about everything.

[gigigi4]

hmmm it's hard to speculate what's the best course of action without knowing a little more info...do you have any idea what has caused you to fall out of love with him? was there a particular event or situation that's contributing to your feeling this way? have you met anyone else you're attracted to (not judging, just trying to get a feel for the situation...)

[Gratedwasabi]

More details would definitely help.

Have you tried doing things to re-energize your relationship? Ie.. going on fun, silly dates like you used to? Taking a vacation somewhere you've always wanted to go? Try finding a new hobby that you both can enjoy and can bring you together?

[reeba]

it would be interesting to know the demographics of this site, but chances are you are asking for the advice from a gropu of people who are mainly comprised of 20 year olds who have never been in a relationship any longer than a couple of years. love evolves over the years. that initial passion lasts only so long and then you can evenually really see the person you have chosen. hopefully passion is replaced with someone that makes you content, comfortable, is considerate, and more importantly a person you respect. finding someone who can give you these things is worth ALOT. my advice is go to counceling immediately and get a pro's opinion.

[OkieDokie]

Well, I'm currently going thru the other side of your problem. My wife told me last month that the "love isn't there" anymore and she's seeing someone else. She didn't and hasn't told me why, part of me doesn't expect her to but I suspect its partly to do with this other guy(duh lol). We haven't been together as long as you, together for 8, married for 2. Do you want to work it out with him? When she first told me the love was gone she didn't give me much info on the other guy, just that they flirted. At that time she SAID she wanted to work it out with me and I was all for it. We could have done somethings to rekindle our love. I wasn't mad then and was all about working it out, I planned a couple of things and we actually did one or two. Turns out now that she doesn't want to work it out with me and is continuing whatever shes doing with him.

So to summarize (lol), tell him and make the commitment to work out your relationship if you want to or feel it can be. If you've only "fallen out of love" thats nothing that can't be fixed and if you both want to be together and he still loves you, you should be able to work things out once you figure out what is lacking.

[shadowy_libra]

Well, I'm currently going thru the other side of your problem. My wife told me last month that the "love isn't there" anymore and she's seeing someone else. She didn't and hasn't told me why, part of me doesn't expect her to but I suspect its partly to do with this other guy(duh lol). We haven't been together as long as you, together for 8, married for 2. Do you want to work it out with him? When she first told me the love was gone she didn't give me much info on the other guy, just that they flirted. At that time she SAID she wanted to work it out with me and I was all for it. We could have done somethings to rekindle our love. I wasn't mad then and was all about working it out, I planned a couple of things and we actually did one or two. Turns out now that she doesn't want to work it out with me and is continuing whatever shes doing with him.

So to summarize (lol), tell him and make the commitment to work out your relationship if you want to or feel it can be. If you've only "fallen out of love" thats nothing that can't be fixed and if you both want to be together and he still loves you, you should be able to work things out once you figure out what is lacking.

Hi OkieDokie.

Thanks for sharing your situation. I will be replying on next post...I will give more details on my case...

[shadowy_libra]

Thanks for all your comments. I really need all of it.

As what gigigi4 has said, I need to give more information. SO here goes...

I am married to an almost perfect man for 21 yrs now. We were blessed with 3 beautiful children. The man I married is handsome, i may say, very kind, straight and a very good father. He is not perfect though but I can categorized him as that. We met, became friends, became lovers and got married within a six month period. I never thought of that marriage as wrong or doubful in terms of love because it was a happy marriage all the time. I dont know if it was because of the happiness brought by my first child , and the second and then, the third. But I can say that it was a happy and peaceful marriage...until...

Because of financial matters, my husband worked abroad three years after the marriage. Of course, dollars there are better than here in our country. Since then, he still works there. He comes home every year at first. Then just last 2 years ago, every 6 months. And then this year, every 3 months. Normally, I should be happy right? I should be because we will be together often.... but...

Just last year, I felt this strange feeling, strange in a sense that, it was not expected. Not surprisingly though, because I somehow have past incidents and emotions that existed ...I think I'm falling out of love...Now...I cant look at him long. I cant even hold him with passion anymore or just by touching him makes me feel uneasy. And also beyond that (you know what i mean)... I talk to him like a friend. I try my best to hide this feeling. But i guess it will show. Yes it did because he already asked me questions like do you still love me?...I said yes...Can I answer no? I cant imagine breaking his heart...I cant imagine hurting a man who is so kind and loving, not to mention the fact that he sacrificed working far away just to feed us...so....

I am bad in the eyes of everybody. I will be the villain. It will be against all odds... He is hurting....but I am too....Its so hard to pretend. Its so hard to be unhappy. Its so hard to hurt someone's feelings...Its so hard to keep a marriage when you dont love the man you said your i dos anymore...

Until now..the situation is so painful...He is coming home again from work in a few days and the feeling is weird. Im unhappy. Im pressured. I know I have to pretend again just not to hurt him...But what makes it worst, i cant anymore....Im confused...Nobody will understand me if I would let this out....I know I have to do something about this...Should I be honest?..... Not now yet

And for the question of do another man? let me share this to you...

Six years ago. I learned to play online game. Ragnarok is a sample. I do not tell the people I talk to there who I am because I was just thinking oh well, whats the need, this is just a game. I did not tell my age, my appearance, my status, everything about me. TO make the long story short, I had several relationships there. No serious ones. No meeting in personal. Just chats and some thru messaging and calls. It gave me happiness. Not sexually but emotionally.There was this one who was a little serious which lasted for about a year.

Then now, at present, was the longest. We are now 2 1/2 yrs this month. I met him thru in game also. And this time, he know who I really am. We met several times before he went to another country on our sixth month. He is still there as of present. So that means, the relationship lasts only by chatting. Kinda amazing or what?

I love this other man but not to the point of having a permanent life with him in the future. Im married. He is single. He is very much younger than me. And most of all, I dont have any plans of leaving my husband despite this feeling of not loving him anymore. I want my family intact. I love my kids so much. And I want him to have a family of his own...

SO now...my question is: Am I really in love with my husband if I still fall for people who are in the cyber world, and im not even engaging in sex with them? Or I just love him because we are married and he is the father of my kids?

What will I do?

[VincenzoG91]

Your husband has been working overseas for most of the last 18 years? And he's surprised that the marriage isn't going well? Talk to him. He needs a new job or this marriage is dead.

As for the online relationship with the really young guy? Forget that. It's a completely unworkable situation. You're dabbling in fantasy and you need to come back to reality.

My parents went through a rough patch in their marriage. They got married at 22 because of me. My dad went back to school and got a business degree around the same time I went to college. Then my dad kept moving the family for career reasons, leaving my mom feeling more and more isolated as she kept leaving friends behind. They did some marriage counseling, and the counselor suggested that they start a new hobby together. They took up growing roses. Within a few years, they had a really impressive rose garden. They were still happily married after 43 years, when my dad died of cancer.

[RdHrshyKss]

Your husband has been working overseas for most of the last 18 years? And he's surprised that the marriage isn't going well? Talk to him. He needs a new job or this marriage is dead.

i don't know how you've been able to stay in this marriage for so long. i agree with Vincenzo here, you need to talk to him about this. Being separated for such long periods of time can kill a marriage, especially if neither parties are doing what is necessary to keep the love alive when you are together.

As for the online relationship with the really young guy? Forget that. It's a completely unworkable situation. You're dabbling in fantasy and you need to come back to reality.

totally agree here, you are living a fantasy online with these guys...trying to make up for what you are missing in your current marriage. and i'm not passing judgement on you, because i think most people would resort to that type of thing if they were in your situation...over 20 years in a marriage with a husband who is home only a few times a year! although you aren't physically cheating on him (although meeting this last guy in person was making things more complicated) you are cheating on him emotionally. i think you'd be way better off limiting your contact with these online friends and working with your husband to try to salvage what's left of your marriage. definitely try to get some counseling together and discuss him moving back home. i agree with vincenzo that this marriage won't last much longer if the long distance continues.

[shadowy_libra]

Hi everyone. Thanks for the all the comments and advice. Sorry it's just now that I was able to reply.

As for my husband to change his work: I'ts unrealistic for now. If he works here..we are dead. Take note of my country. Atleast he should work abroad for the next 10yrs more. My youngest daughter is just on her 3rd year in high school.

As for the online relationship: I cannot stop it right now. Well maybe yes, i love him and second, it lessens the loneliness I feel. If I dont have anybody, I dont know anymore how I will feel....

As for the working it out with him: I want to but as I've said, to the point of feeling uneasy even I'm just with him or just by the mere simple touch from him. Why? No single love for him anymore? But I will still try when he comes on Monday 'sic'...

I will update you guys on how it will be for us again during his vacation these holidays....Hope I will be happy...Hope he will be happy...Hope we will be both happy....I will try my best even though its really hard for me now....

[RdHrshyKss]

you are preventing yourself from working anything out with him if you are continuing your online relationship with the other guy...THAT is most likely the reason you feel uneasy when your husband is home. cut the online relationship out and give your marriage a solid chance before you throw it to the wind.

what does your husband do that he can't do in the philippines? is there no way that you can move to where your husband works? your youngest will be out of high school soon, so it doesn't sound like it would be impossible.

you are making things a lot HARDER on yourself in regards to your family and your marriage by continuing this online relationship. yes, it makes you feel less lonely...but choosing that route is very selfish and doesn't take into consideration what it will do to your husband and to your children if they were to find out what you were doing.

my personal opinion is that my family comes first, even before myself. you can agree or disagree, i'm not telling you that my opinion is the right way...but i think it keeps my conscience a whole lot cleaner than if i were to go the route you are going. you need to clear your plate of all temptations and have a serious conversation with your husband. tell him how you are feeling, tell him that you want to try to work things out if he is willing to try also. if after some decent effort nothing changes...then i'd say it would be the right time to discuss divorce/separation. and only at that time would having an online relationship become more feasible.

[red_sparrow]

everyone always falls out of love with perfect men; imperfections are like little strings tied to our wirsts, pulling us along.

[devonbrown]

You have to be open and honest with your husband. See a couples therapist next time he is home. Suggest doing more things together. Talk to him more. Surprise him with a romantic gesture. All the things you wish were happening with your husband try to make happen.

And I echo the comments from VincenzoG91. Forget the online guy. There is hardly any chance of that working. And it is only serving to help confuse you further.

Concentrate on one relationship at a time. That is the only way to really clear this up for yourself.