is this normal?

[confusedatheart]

I am seeing a married man, who has been separated since last May. I have been seeing him since last March. His ex to be had already found a boyfriend before that time. The question is this.. there are 6 children involved between them. She moved out taking one older child with her. He has the remaining children in the home ranging in age from 4 to 18. They agreed on a visitation schedule when she moved out and all went well for the most part until she got evicted from her apt. The child that was with her is now at home with her dad also. The ex is living in her car, and wants to move back in till she can get on here feet, or at least be able to come there and spend the evening with the kids EVERYNIGHT and then leave after she has tucked them into bed. Her visitation before was not for everyday and certainly not at his house. There have been problems on her coming and going when my bf is not at home, I have caught her in the home several times. She is fine with me, and we get along ok. I am less ok with her than she is with me. He wants me to move in with my daughter, but I feel like things are not normal with her always being there or wanting to be there. She will and has all along set out in the driveway for hours at a time and in the street with he and i home. I am very uncomfortable with it all and thinking I should just run no matter how much i love him and his kids. He doesnt understand why i get upset when he mentions her hanging out there and asks me if its ok with me or not. I blow up because he even had to ask and that is pushing him farther away from me. Why would she even want to be in the home, i have redecorated. Alot of my things are there and it looks nothing like HER home when she was there, shouldnt it be awkward for her to come there? I have the utilities in my name there and i help alot financially. I am confused.

[sweetkissesforu]

i had a somewhat similar situtation in that my ex moved in too my dads house
all family dynamics are not what they once were mother, father and children
i feel it is in the childrens best interest if you can all get along
but as for you moving in i dont think it would be good as these 2 have not been separated for very long
and as for her being homeless since they are only separated again in childrens best interest
that he maybe help her find a place if he can she may be an ex-wife but she is still the mother of his children
no person should ever have to be homeless

[Gratedwasabi]

As sweet mentioned, the thing is she's the mother of his kids and it doesn't sound like anything terrible happened that would estrange her from them, so he's kind of obligated to keep her from being homeless. Maybe obligated isn't the best word, but it's not in the interest of the kids for their mother to be homeless.

My recommendation would be to try and have a calm talk with him about the situation and see if maybe there isn't a way to help her find a job or a place she can afford to stay. It really isn't good for her to be showing up announced and/or hanging around the area of the house.. but it'd be worse for her to be homeless.

Tough situation but I think trying to have a calm talk and come up with some sort of plan to assist her in finding employment and somewhere else to live is the best plan. If she's spending all this time at the house, she needs to be out there filling applications for a job instead. It's really hard to fault your boyfriend for trying to keep his kids from having a mother that lives on the street.

[confusedatheart]

thanks for the reply.. she is working and has been the whole time. She got evicted because she was in the bar most every night. Sad but true, instead of managing her money wisely. I do not wish anyone homeless, but she does have family in the area and friends all who have turned her down. I have to wonder why? I think that her coming and staying back at home even for a few days would be very confusing to the kids. And Sweet... I am going to take your not moving in so quick advice, if it's meant to be then it will happen when the timing is better. Thank you both for your advice it is appreciated.

[ecojeanne]

unless you know his ex as you know your best friend then you cannot assume the following:

'His ex to be had already found a boyfriend before that time'
'She got evicted because she was in the bar most every night.'
' instead of managing her money wisely' (absolutely none of your business and again you cannot assume this)


'I have caught her in the home several times'
(how is this a problem or even worth mentioning considering she is the mother of HER children.)

'I think that her coming and staying back at home even for a few days would be very confusing to the kids'. (i think that's up to both the mother and father to decide. afterall you are getting your information about her from him. remember that it is a slanted viewpoint.)

my opinion: moving in at this delicate time would be insane for not only his kids but for your kid too. the situation needs to be resolved completely and that could take years.

[ecojeanne]

wow for some reason i missed this part:

'Why would she even want to be in the home, i have redecorated. Alot of my things are there and it looks nothing like HER home when she was there, shouldnt it be awkward for her to come there? I have the utilities in my name there and i help alot financially. I am confused.'

well i see that you are making sure she should feel awkward. in your mind you are making sure you will take her place (the redecoration and the bills). you are a fool to help financially btw.

[confusedatheart]

She the ex left him and there kids with nothing... so i made sure they had everything they needed. They had no dishes no furniture nothing. So yeah I did the right thing and made there shell of a house a home. I am not trying to make her feel awkward in the home, I did what I needed to do for the kids sake and his. Because I care and love them! It is now his home not hers.Take her place? I wouldnt want to take her place, she was a slob who did little for her family. I may be a fool to help financially but could you really let little kids set in the dark with no air or heat? I couldnt! And yes she is the mother of the children, but she chose to move on and yes i know for a fact she had someone before he ever started seeing me. And when she got evicted she lost everything she took from her kids belongings wise, so her greed didnt fare her well. I realize she loves her kids, but they now have structure and so much more. I have seen this man and his kids emerge happier people.

[reeba]

[QUOTE=confusedatheart;649805]I am seeing a married man, who has been separated since last May. I have been seeing him since last March. QUOTE]

....and you expected everything to work out perfectly? married, 6 kids, obvious financial woes, wife is homeless.....

why do you want to get emotionally involved in that mess? why do you want your daughter living in that chaos?

[ecojeanne]

you've only been seeing for 7 months for goodness sake! you cannot judge her from hearsay and what he tells you and you cannot try to take her place so soon. i actually can't believe you would allow yourself to get so involved so quickly when you have your own kid to be concerned with and if you care about her children then you would want them to make ammends with their mother. end of.

[xxazurexx]

Think I'd run. I couldn't be arsed with the drama.