dating vs. one night stand

[ashaya]

ok i have question for the women reading this forum.

does dating ever seem like an unnatural and contrived way of meeting someone? i've never successfully got a girlfriend from dating.

however most of my girlfriends have come about as a result of a one night stand. i think this is a much better way of meeting someone, because once you get the sex out of the way you can interact normally, and decide from there if you like the person enough for a serious relationship.

with dating there's just so much messing around trying to figure out if there's mutual attraction.

[Radarsonar]

I agree. Never found a gf through dating. Dating only got me friend zoned in the past, which is why I don't do it any more. Parties, pub crawls, even random meetings seem a lot better to me than the forced and pressurised process or dating. I'm no girl though

[Jonathanese]

I kinda see what you mean. normally, I'm angry with the guys who get one-night stands, because in most cases, it's manipulative and shallow, but you have a more meaningful type of one-night stand, which actually lasts longer, and gets any sexual tensions out of the way so an emotional relationship can be established.

It's really too bad that a lot of guys out there have been brainwashed into objectification, and not seeking out a better, more fulfilling relationship than one based on sex.

I'm interested to see the responses on this one.

"Never found a gf through dating. Dating only got me friend zoned in the past, which is why I don't do it any more."

It's sad that the guys who want real relationships are the ones "friend-zoned". Whereas one-night stands and random meetings seem to work. What do women seem to dislike about actually knowing a guy before having the relationship? The "I won't date him, we're just friends" attitude hurts guys more than a lot of other things, and it only hurts the ones who are actually looking for true love.

Havn't read through this whole thing, but I think it covers it.

[url]http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A22952-2004Apr18.html[/url]

[Radarsonar]

"Never found a gf through dating. Dating only got me friend zoned in the past, which is why I don't do it any more."

It's sad that the guys who want real relationships are the ones "friend-zoned". Whereas one-night stands and random meetings seem to work. What do women seem to dislike about actually knowing a guy before having the relationship?

It's probably because the process of dating is too forced, you're basically starting by spending entire evenings with each other. You learn a whole lot about each other in a very short time. That's exactly how the friend zone process works, you show the girl you like your emotions/inner self too quickly, lose your mystery and attraction and get seen as a nice, but not exciting person.

A relationship should start in a fun, care-free manner. Kissing someone while drunk, then finding out that person is kinda awesome is a lot more fun than exchanging facts while nervously obsessing over when you can get a kiss in later.

[xxazurexx]

I've never gone off to meet random men, especially if they weren't my type and in the hopes I click with one regardless, which it seems a lot do.

Seen it a few times in these forums 'Met this guy, seems nice, but he aint really my type....but we are going a date'

WTF? Why date someone you have no attraction for or who you don't at least view as 'relationship material'? This is why it goes from 'dating' to 'friendzone'. They are dating guys, there is no real attraction too.

I've only ever arranged to meet and gone out with guys who I viewed as relationship material and so those dates led to exclusive relationships.

We in the UK seem to be wired differently when it comes to dating, etc.

[Jonathanese]

@ RadarSonar: It's just. I don't really like girls until I know them personally. I'm the kind of guy who wants to date people who I know I can already be friends with. Why are women so turned off by this idea? I'm glad you see the real significance of a better relationship, but how many sleeze-balls out there want to take advantage of a women's trust to get in her pants? It may be exciting, but to prefer it over someone trustworthy just completely escapes my mind. If either gender starts a relationship on those grounds, they need to be able to face the consequences of gettig hurt by it, because they are the ones who set themselves up.

[xxazurexx]

.

A relationship should start in a fun, care-free manner. Kissing someone while drunk, then finding out that person is kinda awesome is a lot more fun than exchanging facts while nervously obsessing over when you can get a kiss in later.

I agree. I like the old fashioned way best and it's how I met most of my partners. Like I said above, I've never dated in the hopes I'd click. I've gone out guys to see if there was anything more, but with guys who I for the majority met unexpectedly and randomly...on an evening out with friends for instance.

Usually I'd meet someone and when I was least expecting too and unexpectedly.....it just happened and it's better that way, when it just happens and naturally.

I can't think of anything worse than going off on one of these dates. It would feel like a job interview...yawwwnnzz

Also, 'lining' people up to date and look for a suitable partner and in the hopes you will find one, reminds me of 18th century England.....when families would line up suitable suitors for their daughters.

[Jonathanese]

I will have to admit I've never officially dated, so it may be as pathetically boring as you guys make it out to be. But nonetheless, I've just been rejected enough for not treating women badly, because it's not "exciting enough". I've watched as friends are hurt by those they met out of the "he's such a hard-ass, and mysterious" feelings. Then she came to me, we had a short romantic thing going on and I helped her forget that guy. as soon as she got back on her feet, I was pushed away, back to "just friends", then she would date another guy who hurt her just the same.

So I'm sorry if I have a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, it's just I've been directly affected by the fact that women reject good guys on the premise of looking for a guy to hurt them, because it's more attractive.

[Radarsonar]

I will have to admit I've never officially dated, so it may be as pathetically boring as you guys make it out to be. But nonetheless, I've just been rejected enough for not treating women badly, because it's not "exciting enough". I've watched as friends are hurt by those they met out of the "he's such a hard-ass, and mysterious" feelings. Then she came to me, we had a short romantic thing going on and I helped her forget that guy. as soon as she got back on her feet, I was pushed away, back to "just friends", then she would date another guy who hurt her just the same.

So I'm sorry if I have a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, it's just I've been directly affected by the fact that women reject good guys on the premise of looking for a guy to hurt them, because it's more attractive.

This problem is as old as time itself. You should be nice, but not too nice. Most girls like their men to show some character, some spine and guys who act nice all the time are not perceived that way. Even though being nice has nothing to do with character strength.

We've all been there (at least) once, so don't feel too hard. Sounds like you're getting friend zoned often. Easy way to avoid this is to say right from the beginning that your intention is not to be a friend to her. Avoid being drawn into lengthy conversations about her feelings etc. You'll get plenty of that áfter you've gotten together with her.

[Jonathanese]

I guess you're right. after having conversations with other people, I'm pretty confident now that women would rather have sex with some random person, then meet them, rather than meet someone, ge tto know them, date them a bit, then maybe have sex.

I guess that means chick flicks are just a bunch of BS made up for the sole purpose of making men feel terreble when they see the real world. that women prefer Sex over love.

Again, sorry for being so aggrasive. I've been heartbroken for respecting women my whole life. I guess things have changed more than I thought. I know not to be too nice. But basically, I have to disrespect women as well. and what I'm looking for is love, not some sallow bar-hookup.

[Take2]

Well, since my experience has been totally different from anything posted, I will chime in.

I enjoy dating, have always enjoyed dating. Like azure, I don't date anyone unless I feel there is a potential for a future, so if I am on a date with a guy then I like him and want to get to know him better. Now, I try to give benefit of the doubt early on, but just don't move forward in dating at any point if it is obvious that it is going nowhere.

I have met guys I ended up dating mostly at large private gatherings of friends and their friends. I have also met guys I ended up dating at clubs and through online dating sites. I think it helps to view it more as a mutual exclusion process of looking for someone who is what you are looking for and you are who they are looking for. Too many guys seem to look at it like a test or competition that they win or lose, so a non-match feels really bad. I see it as a search, and even a date that goes nowhere may teach me more about what I am looking for. So there is no losing. Some guys won't like me, I won't like some guys, so we all keep looking elsewhere and it's all good.

[Jonathanese]

Thank you for being a shining light in the thread Take2. I agree you shouldn't waste your time with someone when you think it's going nowhere. At least there's someone out there who actually likes dating!

[Boisdevie]

It's also a question of how we define the terms 'one night stand', 'dating' and 'hanging out'. I've never had a one night stand but did have a brief NSA relationship which was exciting at the time. But since then I've been in bed with my partners by the 2nd or 3rd date. I suspect for some of us we quickly find out if the other party is attracted to us and if we are attracted to them then they end up in bed. And to be honest, if you're not sexually compatible then months of dating is ultimately a waste of time isn't it?

[ammi00]

Personally, I don't like how the word "date" sounds, nor what it involves. I've never dated. I'd rather "go out" with someone, see if he's my type and if he is, then I'd "advance" with the relationship.

[Jonathanese]

I guess it's just that I'm American, HA! I'd imagine I could get used to the idea of just sleeping around, then seeing if there's an emotional attachment. To me, though, that's putting too much priority on a sexual relationship, and basically saying you won't accept anyone who won't have sex with you the first time you meet.

Thing is, there are plenty of guys that throw lines out there, and are coached on how to pick up women, sleep with them, then ditch them the next day. If you prefer that, it's your own choice. Just realize that the guys who are successful at picking women up for that purpose are generally the same ones responsible for many sex-offenses, objectification, and basically judging women by their looks alone.