Lay down the law? Advice PLEASE ;(

[FloppyDog]

I'm currently in a relationship which is a few months old. We've started being intimate about two weeks ago and we've become very serious. We're currently talking about her moving in with me, and everything's been great until last night. We both facebook alot (how we met) and both have many fb friends. Last week she began talking about some guy "Dave" that's been messaging her on fb and replying to her posts excessively etc. Last night, her cell buzzed and I discovered (at like midnight) she had given Dave her number and they've been texting each other for the last couple of days. She says it's innocent, and I believe it is, but I can't help to be annoyed and jealous of this. I also feel disrespected that some guy is texting her while I'm sitting right there, and I feel hurt that she gave him her number in the first place. I realize that people make friends and text each other, but I think that the midnight texting is out of the ordinary, and I just plain don't like it. Her response when I confronted her was basically that we "can't change each other" and basically says that she'll continue regardless. My question is: Is it improper for them to be texting like this, or am I just being unnessarily jealous? Do I have the right to demand she stops this texting behaviour with this man?

Please offer any thoughts you may have on this, it's is really tearing me up inside.

Steve

[VincenzoG91]

Her behavior is inappropriate and she is unapologetic. And this is happening at an early stage when everything should be great. This relationship is probably doomed. If you dump her for this specific reason, she might learn something from the experience.

[Boisdevie]

You have lost her. Move on.

[Incognito]

As usual Vincenzo is absolutely right. At this stage in a relationship most people are falling over themselves to seem like "the perfect partner" and everything is peachy because of that. Sometimes things like chatting online are innocent, but once the (as I call it) 'real world line' is crossed where contact outside of the internet is made then it is not innocent anymore. The fact that she stated that you simply can't change each other should be translated "I have no interest in changing, and you can't do anything about it". Bottom line: Break it off. If you give an ultimatum she may say she'll stop, but she'll probably continue in secret. When you dump her you should ask her to ask herself why she 1. needs the attention of another man when she is in a relationship (i.e. attention whore) and 2. why she has no respect for a significant other.

[FloppyDog]

Thank you so much for the responses. To be more specific, I'm a semi-pro photographer and occasionally shoot nudes. Earlier in our relationship, she expressed some degree of discontent at this, and I soon told her I would respect her feelings and decided to no longer shoot nudes. Granted, she didn't ask me to stop shooting nudes, I made the decision to show respect for her and her feelings. This is an excerp of our text messages from this morning:

Me: Just so you know I'm willing to make whatever comprimises neccessary to make things work.

Her: Thats just it, we are who we are... We know that about each other..... Yes, there should be some adjustments made so both of us are comfortable, but I don't want to change you.... I wont change you.... I will give you me, and if you feel you need to change to be happy, or make me happy, then do so... I am not going to be the one to tell you what you can and cannot do... That is up to you to know the right from wrong,,, as same goes for me.

Me: Its just like the nude models.. I know you don't like it that's why I'm not shooting them... I respect your feelings

Her: You can shoot the nudes all you want... IDC, as long as it is photography related only... I can help if you want... I told you that already.... I never asked you not to shoot them.... If you think I would be more comfortable with you not photographing them, than I thank you dearly for thinking of my feelings...

Her: I will continue to meet friends, make friends, and have friends,,,, male or female..... I have no need to flirt or stray away because Im happy and content with you... if I am unhappy, or think you are straying,,,, then the door re-opens for me, and thats just the way it is...

Again, thank you in advance for looking at this and telling me what you all make of it. I love this woman, I truly do... and I don't want to botch our relationship because I'm unnessarily jealous or made rash decisions or assumptions. But, I can't seem to help but to feel very disrespected by this, especially when it's occurring when she's right in my home with me standing there. Am I wrong to feel disrespected by this behaviour?
Steve

[VincenzoG91]

Her intentions might be okay, but she is clueless if she thinks that a guy texting her at midnight is just being a friend. The important part is that she is unwilling to acknowledge your concern as potentially valid, and she is unwilling to modify her own behavior.

Just a random thought, but I wonder if women who have a lot of guy friends tend to be more likely to suffer from acquaintance rape.

[vertical_sky]

@ VincenzoG91

I don't think having a lot of guy friends leads to acquaintance rape. I think having no boundaries/being naive/playing with fire (drinking alone in a private place with only that male friend, for instance) does. Easily 75% of my friends are male, and I've never been touched inappropriately by any of them, or had any bfs complain about their behavior.

I'm a 25 year old straight female, and I agree with several of the posters here. You are not being overly jealous-you are feeling uncomfortable, and instead of validating your feelings ("I can see how you would feel that way"), and trying to find a compromise ("I am going to have male friends, but would it make you feel better if I <fill in option here>?") The strength of any relationship is compromise.

Also... f that whole concept of "I never need to change for my partner." If you are acting in a way that is hurtful, painful, or damaging to the other person, damn right you should change OR leave the relationship. Or... hey!... work on a compromise. The whole "you have to accept me 100% as I am" is a smoke screen to get away with bad behavior, in my opinion.

[Incognito]

I am not going to be the one to tell you what you can and cannot do... That is up to you to know the right from wrong,,, as same goes for me.

This should read: I'm not going to tell you what to do because I expect you not to tell me what to do (or even hint that I should change anything)

Her: You can shoot the nudes all you want... IDC, as long as it is photography related only... I can help if you want... I told you that already.... I never asked you not to shoot them.... If you think I would be more comfortable with you not photographing them, than I thank you dearly for thinking of my feelings...

She is obviously bothered by you shooting nudes and knew that by stating that she was bothered by it (rather than flat out telling you to not do it) that you'd stop because you are considerate. That also helps her argument about not telling each other what to do, because she didn't specifically tell you to stop. She stated that it bothered her, knew you'd stop, and therefore got the desired result while still being able to say "I've never told you what to do, so you have no right to tell me what to do". Clever, but I see right through it, and now you do too.

Her: I will continue to meet friends, make friends, and have friends,,,, male or female..... I have no need to flirt or stray away because Im happy and content with you... if I am unhappy, or think you are straying,,,, then the door re-opens for me, and thats just the way it is...

This is the part that you should pay the most attention to though. She is flat out telling you that she will continue to make friends no matter how you feel about it. The whole "I have no need to flirt...... because I'm content with you" may indeed be true, but the odds that she will meet another guy who suits her tastes better are extremely high since she seems to be intent on making more male friends. Perhaps she is even starting to have feelings for Dave, because if this was truly innocent she would have no problem not speaking to him anymore.

She goes on to say "if I'm unhappy, or think you are straying, then the door re-opens for me". She is saying, in so many words, that she is keeping her options open and will jump ship with one of her guy friends she has the second she feels like it. This is obviously not good, and disrespectful.

Look dude, I know that love can make you look past a multitude of things, but that is only good if the other person is in love with you and willing to look past a few of your imperfections in order to make the relationship work. She obviously isn't ready for a committed relationship where there are boundaries and where you have to compromise and show respect when it isn't always ideal. I realize that you love her, but if she is doing things like this right in your face, telling you she won't stop, and it is this early in the relationship you are better off not pursuing the relationship further.

A year from now when she's up at 2am texting John or Bill you're going to get the same tired argument. One day she'll be going out unexpectedly and when you ask where she's going she'll say "oh, I'm just meeting Joe for lunch..... he's a friend". By then you will know that she is worthless, but you can save yourself the heartache and wasted time by ending it sooner.... like now. One day she'll realize that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, but it will probably take you (and maybe a few more) guys dumping her over it and explaining that her behavior is the reason why.

[FloppyDog]

Thank you so much for the replies. I can't even express how hurt I am by this. I explained my thoughts and feelings in detail to her last night as I was taking her home. She didn't say much, then early this morning she texted me and the jist of it was pretty much "I didn't do anything wrong" and "I have the right to socialize" yada yada. I've never loved anyone as deeply as I do with this woman. But, in my heart I know you're right.... sad, but true.

[FloppyDog]

I wanted to thank you folks again here for the replies. Thank you for taking the time to talk with a total stranger about his relationship problems. What a fantastic group of people you have on this forum!

[Kama]

I'm currently in a relationship which is a few months old. We've started being intimate about two weeks ago and we've become very serious. We're currently talking about her moving in with me, and everything's been great until last night. We both facebook alot (how we met) and both have many fb friends. Last week she began talking about some guy "Dave" that's been messaging her on fb and replying to her posts excessively etc. Last night, her cell buzzed and I discovered (at like midnight) she had given Dave her number and they've been texting each other for the last couple of days. She says it's innocent, and I believe it is, but I can't help to be annoyed and jealous of this. I also feel disrespected that some guy is texting her while I'm sitting right there, and I feel hurt that she gave him her number in the first place. I realize that people make friends and text each other, but I think that the midnight texting is out of the ordinary, and I just plain don't like it. Her response when I confronted her was basically that we "can't change each other" and basically says that she'll continue regardless. My question is: Is it improper for them to be texting like this, or am I just being unnessarily jealous? Do I have the right to demand she stops this texting behaviour with this man?

Please offer any thoughts you may have on this, it's is really tearing me up inside.

Steve

In love there is jealousy and we want mate to be brutally honest to us. Text messaging is a common phenomenon and people have friends and this is their personal domain. But we feel envious about it. Of course in a relationship we want to have authority over someone and this is not unnatural but on the other hand it is her right to textmessgae someone

[Boisdevie]

In love there is jealousy and we want mate to be brutally honest to us. Text messaging is a common phenomenon and people have friends and this is their personal domain. But we feel envious about it. Of course in a relationship we want to have authority over someone and this is not unnatural but on the other hand it is her right to textmessgae someone

Bollocks. The woman clearly does not care about her BF. Yes, it's her right to text anyone she likes but she can't expect her boyfriend to like it. If I was the BF I'd tell her to get lost. This woman needs to decide quickly who she wants a relationship with.

[damn2010]

You might want to sit down and really now consider whether this is a relationship worth having. She's going to continue to be a text-fiend and spray her attention elsewhere and with other guys. You are TOO considerate and TOO respectful as thus she doesn't deserve to have someone like you. Find someone who is willing to make compromises just like you are.

Oh...and take up nude photography again, since she's not compromising on the texting issue.

You might want to sit down on the sofa or something and SERIOUSLY discuss it with her. Not in the car or anything, too easy to get distracted or whatever. But a serious sit-down talk lets people know that it is a big issue. Tell her it is not about "changing" her...but reaching a compromise like you did with the photography. Make sure you are especially serious about splitting up if she's not willing despite ALL your feelings.

[Incognito]

I agree with you partially damn2010, but issuing an ultimatum rarely produces anything positive. I think that by stating that he'll split if she doesn't stop will either result in her doing it secretly, or her stopping but resenting him A LOT. Resentment will eventually kill the relationship after that point. There is also the possibility that she'll simply say "ok, I'm gone, because I won't change", which obviously takes the wind out of his sails. Maybe I'm just a bit jaded, but I'd say just save yourself the trouble and possible embarrassment (by her calling your breakup bluff) and just end it while stating why. You might be sad, but you'll wake up tomorrow just like you always do and go on with your day.