He says he's not ready because he hasn't dated anyone else

[PinkAngel]

I need advice, please!

I have a problem and I'm hoping someone on here has been in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 1.5 years. I know he loves me. I do not doubt his feelings for me. I love him too. The problem is that every time I bring up the issue of commitment, and I mean simply moving in together, not even marriage, he starts getting emotional and says how he's not sure if he can commit because I am his first relationship. He is 31. I am almost 30. This has happened twice already. Both times he has mentioned how he doesn't know if he can commit because he hasn't been with anyone else. He even saw a therapist and she asked him if anything would change if he had other relationsihps and he said he didn't think so. I also asked him what he means by other relationships. Does he wish he had more physical relationships (shorter term relationships) or long term relationsihps. He says it doesn't matter. He just wishes he had more experiences. He's a great guy and has almost everything I'm looking for, but he is making me feel insecure.

I'm concerned about the fact that he feels he can't commit because he hasn't been with anyone else. When we talk about it and I suggest a break or that he needs to be with someone else in order to not have these feelings, he starts crying and begs me not to leave. He says he can't live with out me and won't find anyone else like me. I can tell he is being sincere and that he truly loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me. But what do I do about the fact that every time I have brought up commitment he started crying that he hasn't had any other relationships and isn't sure how he can commit. I guess what he means is that even though he feels like I'm the right girl for him (he even says he feels I'm the right one) he feels like he needs to have other experiences. I'm not sure if it's a guy thing but I feel like if you truly believe you found the right person you shouldn't feel like you want to be with others and commitment should not be an issue. Should I give him more time and wait? Any thoughts, especially from men?

[damn2010]

Ok...one-and-a-half years is NOT a long time. Perhaps moving in together right now is TOO soon and TOO much of a commitment for him RIGHT NOW. It doesn't mean it'll happen later.

Your boyfriend is at least being honest that he doesn't know how far he's willing to go with you but at the same time he needs to know you have limits too. The big question is: Where is this relationship going? You two might be on two different playing fields as he seems to want to go out there and "explore" more while you're ready to settle down. His tearful reaction is more a fear of being alone than a fear of commitment, but he needs to respect what YOU want out of it all.

I personally think that moving in after 1.5 years is a little quick and I'd be uneasy about that too. I would back off a little and just enjoy your time together. But if you see more of a wandering eye in him and a desire to go elsewhere, perhaps you need to help him along the way. You need to make it clear that you want a relationship for the LONG run...not just a test fly. However, for now, wait a couple months and then broach the subject again.

[Boisdevie]

1.5 years is a long time before moving in together. In my opinion. If this guy has problems with the idea is he really committed to the relationship? If I really loved somebody I would want to spend as much time as possible with them = living together. If he has never had a serious relation ship in the past, at his age, I'd be worried.

[xxazurexx]

He says he can't and doesn't want to committ to you and because he hasn't experienced other women. I'd take that to mean that he thought there was 'better' out there than me and that he was only with me because nothing 'better' had come along as of yet.

I don't think he does love you, sorry. Not in the way you think he does anyway.

Men in love, don't usually mention experimenting with other women.

[PinkAngel]

Thanks for your comments. I do think he loves me. I'm not doubting that. He does want me to be at his place more often rather than just a couple of times per week but not ready to move it together. To him, that's a big step forward. damn2010, I think you make a good point. It's good to hear other guys' perspective on this.

[xxazurexx]

When a guy tells you he won't committ and because you are his 'first' relationhip, he doesn't love you IMO.

If he won't committ to you now and because he hasn't tried and tested other women, he won't in the future either.

If you want to waste your time....then good luck.

[RockNRoll]

I agree that men's comment about it is more valuable, will just give you other girl's perspective.
First of all, it's his problem, not yours. If a guy doesn't want to live with you, it is not a problem: you might find someone else who does, or you can carry on like it was before if it's not bothering you.

It made me think of a situation with the one guy I know. He is living with his girlfriend at the moment, and has been with her (most of the time living together) for a few years now. He is trying to find his way out of it, because he feels like he didn't date around enough (spent his early 20s with this girl), while the girl has no idea about it and is expecting to get married soon. He would have left her already, if they didn't live together. I am not saying that your man could do such disgusting thing, just an example what happens when a guy doesn't feel he had enough of dating. You should consider yourself lucky, that your guy is not messing you around as much and you are aware of his concerns.
1.5 year is a reasonable time, and you are right to bring it up if moving in together is what you really want to do. Be clear with yourself about what else you want to do and if he is willing to do it/commit as much about other things as well.
Don't let his tears mislead you, he might be emotional about losing you anyway if you are fist first relationship, plus he doesn't want to be dumped and single. Didn't you cry when he told you that he wants some other abstract woman?
How came he didn't want to date other girls before you two got together?!

I'm not sure if it's a guy thing but I feel like if you truly believe you found the right person you shouldn't feel like you want to be with others and commitment should not be an issue.

I am a girl and I feel the same. And I know guys who feel and act in the same way. In fact, your situation should be other way around, with him asking you to spend more time with him/live together/marry, because you can't make him to commit, he will do it happily himself when/if he feels like you are the best girl in the world for him (and he doesn't want to lose you to the other man - speaking about your "break" idea).
I would advice at least to give up any plans that involve him committing to you.

[lexigon_5]

Hate to say it but i think xxazurexx is right.
Here's the the thing. It sounds like he is saying to himself "what if i go for her and then realize i could have had something better" ? Well how does he resolve an issue like that except by leaving you and trying out other women, and no guy who is in love would ever want to do such a thing. His ruluctance to part with you could just be due to the fact that with so little experience he believes he may never get another shot at being with someone.
He said to a therapist he didnt think other relationships would change anything, while also saying he can't commit without having other women first so he is pretty darn confused isn't he.
My suggestion would be to cut him loose despite any tears and let him find his way.

[devonbrown]

I agree with most of the other comments, but would add this - his reluctance is not about you, but rather about him. It is him realizing that he is not mature yet and starting to wish he had done things differently in the past. You believe that he loves you, and it is possible that he does. He may be worried about hurting you in the future if he thinks he is still too immature for a "commitment." In a way, this could be like an early mid-life crisis for him.
Maybe instead of suggesting a "break," which someone who is emotional will see as a negative, ask him to step into your shoes. Ask him how he would feel if you said to him the same things he is saying to you. Start a new dialogue on the subject, but from a different perspective. It may help you get to more answers.

[lexigon_5]

Yes sorry PinkAngel, ignore my last sentence in the post before. devonbrown's suggestion sounds like a better one

[Boisdevie]

Leave the guy. He doesn't care for you enough. But if you want to carry on with a doomed pointless relationship then be my guest.

[VincenzoG91]

My eyebrows went up when I read that he is 31 and hasn't dated anyone else yet. Really? Either he isn't being honest about that, or there is something else wrong with this picture. My guess is that he just has a fear of commitment.

Either way, this issue isn't going to go away until he feels that he has addressed it. And unless you're both willing to try an open relationship for a while, there is no possible way for him to handle his issue without cheating on you or breaking up with you. The way that he is defining this situation, you are holding him back from a necessary period of exploration. (Though I think that's b-s.) Set him free to try his luck on the dating scene. And then, for your own sake, move on. Maybe you two can get back together later on, after he has dated enough.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think you should break up with him as well, and tell him good luck finding another woman, considering it took him 30 years to find the first. End the relationship and tell him not contact you unless he wants to get back together for sure..this guy will be crawling back to you within a week of no contact, or you can give me your paypal account and I will pay you $20.

[cloudfa]

the length of time a man will stay with you is the same as your ability to drop his ass on the curb.