Is long distance really that bad?

[quietandshy]

So a quick summary: There's a guy I've been friends with for the past couple years. We live a plane ride away and have been talking a lot more since he told me he had feelings for me when he visited me last spring. I've kind of been on the fence about where I want the relationship to go for the past six months. After much agonizing, and another really enjoyable visit in the fall, I've more or less decided on relationship, but am waiting to tell him until he's physically in my presence in three weeks.

I am also a very private person and [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/personal-development-forum/47957-i-have-trouble-sharing-details-about-myself-friends.html"]have a very hard time sharing details of my life with people[/URL]. Well this sort of bothers my guy friend. He says that he'd have more of a problem with it if we were actually dating, but I think he wishes I would talk more about him because he wants me to like him and this is typically a sign of liking a person. He says he wants to run and shout at the top of his lungs about me.

So, I told him I would work on this, because I understand where he is coming from and he's not pressuring me or anything, and is actually being really patient with me. So I've been trying to tell a few people every now and then about recent developments in my life and tonight talked a little bit about him to one of my friends over dinner. She pretty much told me I was being stupid and irrational when I told her it was long distance. She asked me if it was feasible for him to live anywhere close to me in the near future and I said he is planning on coming out here in a year. She essentially told me I was wasting my time.

I know it's a weird situation. We met online (I didn't tell her that after her outburst about long distance) but we've talked almost every day for the past several years and on the phone every night since the spring. I know he's serious about this, and I feel I'm being smart by taking things slowly. But she totally shocked me with her reaction tonight. Are long distance relationships really that frowned upon, or is she jumping to conclusions based on her own needs from a relationship? I was always under the impression that they worked for some and definitely not for others....and I think I could handle this. Sure it's hard and everything but I've never been one for instant gratification nor dating. He and I have such a beautiful vibe between the two of us and I don't really want to give that up, nor do I view our experiences together as a waste just because I can't be with him every weekend.

I guess I'm a little hurt. Not to mention my fears of sharing details are more supported now...and I'm scared to tell anyone else. Advice please?

[smackie9]

Just you two meet first before worrying so much about the future. If things go really well and it's worth a shot at a real relationship, you both will work towards shortening that distance.

[cloudfa]

i was in a long distance relationship for 1 of 3.5 years and i'm a firm believer that it doesnt work. we were perfect then she went away to college and cheated on me then i cheated on her. i dont know if this would have happened if she didnt move away but i think the distance definitely made things worse

[Boisdevie]

Long distance won't work because you can't spend time in the presence of each other - and you have to do this to really get to know somebody.

[Gratedwasabi]

quietandshy, I see absolutely no reason why you can't have a long distance relationship for a year or so. It sounds like you two really get along.

Now about the communication thing. Your friend overreacted. It is not "more supported" now. Period. Stop making excuses.

He wants to hear details of your life because he's crazy about you. He wants to know everything about you. That's what happens when you start falling in love.

He isn't going to be judgmental of you or react like your friend did to anything you tell him. ESPECIALLY if you're trying long distance, YOU NEED to communicate and trust him.

You need to try and be stronger to your convictions. You absolutely sound like you want to date him, long distance or not, SO DO IT! No need for your post, you've already made up your mind and who cares what anyone besides he thinks? And he obviously wants to.

Do it. Have faith.

[Zabrinah]

I think long distance relationships DEFINITELY can work. Probably because my parents successfully had one for a few years, and they are still together! When these relationships don't work, I don't think it's necessarily because of the distance, but more because of the two people in the relationship (they weren't suitably matched at the end of the day).

Here are a few tips:

1. Figure out if you and this guy on are the SAME PAGE. Hopefully, you are both being honest about your intentions.

2. Put a lot of effort into the relationship, even when you don't feel like you have the energy anymore.

3. Find something productive to do with your time that doesn't have to do with him! You don't want all your thoughts and actions to be surrounded by this person

I totally agree with Gratedwasabi. You have to have faith and confidence in your own choices because this is your life!

Hope this helped!

[Gribble]

LDRs are the biggest waste EVER. The time you expend pining over someone you almost never see could be spent meeting someone local. Instead of spending the night chatting you could spend the night in the arms of another. Frankly, I don't think it's healthy. Romantic emails and verbose phone calls are no substitute for a real relationship. You're just screwing yourself out of actually meeting someone.

[quietandshy]

Just you two meet first before worrying so much about the future. If things go really well and it's worth a shot at a real relationship, you both will work towards shortening that distance.

We've met twice, both for four days, and he's spending a week here at the end of this month. I wouldn't be considering this otherwise.

i was in a long distance relationship for 1 of 3.5 years and i'm a firm believer that it doesnt work. we were perfect then she went away to college and cheated on me then i cheated on her. i dont know if this would have happened if she didnt move away but i think the distance definitely made things worse

I think what people tend to do when they judge these situations is base their opinions off of breaking up. You believe it doesn't work because you broke up....but don't most relationships end? Does that mean that relationships don't work?

quietandshy, I see absolutely no reason why you can't have a long distance relationship for a year or so. It sounds like you two really get along.

Now about the communication thing. Your friend overreacted. It is not "more supported" now. Period. Stop making excuses.

He wants to hear details of your life because he's crazy about you. He wants to know everything about you. That's what happens when you start falling in love.

He isn't going to be judgmental of you or react like your friend did to anything you tell him. ESPECIALLY if you're trying long distance, YOU NEED to communicate and trust him.

You need to try and be stronger to your convictions. You absolutely sound like you want to date him, long distance or not, SO DO IT! No need for your post, you've already made up your mind and who cares what anyone besides he thinks? And he obviously wants to.

Do it. Have faith.

I do communicate with him and trust him. I have no issues telling him things. What I meant is I have trouble telling other people things about my life, including about him. And I don't really want to tell other people about him if this is the reaction I'm going to get. But I know I'm going to have to and that not everyone will react this way. Thanks for your advice.

I think long distance relationships DEFINITELY can work. Probably because my parents successfully had one for a few years, and they are still together! When these relationships don't work, I don't think it's necessarily because of the distance, but more because of the two people in the relationship (they weren't suitably matched at the end of the day).

Here are a few tips:

1. Figure out if you and this guy on are the SAME PAGE. Hopefully, you are both being honest about your intentions.

2. Put a lot of effort into the relationship, even when you don't feel like you have the energy anymore.

3. Find something productive to do with your time that doesn't have to do with him! You don't want all your thoughts and actions to be surrounded by this person

I totally agree with Gratedwasabi. You have to have faith and confidence in your own choices because this is your life!

Hope this helped!

It did, thanks. I think we're definitely on the same page and we both put effort into things. I also have a really busy life so I think that helps in distracting me too.

LDRs are the biggest waste EVER. The time you expend pining over someone you almost never see could be spent meeting someone local. Instead of spending the night chatting you could spend the night in the arms of another. Frankly, I don't think it's healthy. Romantic emails and verbose phone calls are no substitute for a real relationship. You're just screwing yourself out of actually meeting someone.

This was her feeling too. I guess the way I see it is that I don't really like being physical with someone I barely know. It takes me a really long time to warm up to someone and I've never been very good at dating people. I know I'm sort of making predictions but I think I've already fallen too strongly for him to cut things off now. The nights I'm spending on the phone with him I'd otherwise be spending alone....not in the arms of someone else, and its only his arms I really want to be in.

Thanks to everyone.

[VincenzoG91]

I am also a very private person and [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/personal-development-forum/47957-i-have-trouble-sharing-details-about-myself-friends.html"]have a very hard time sharing details of my life with people[/URL]. Well this sort of bothers my guy friend. He says that he'd have more of a problem with it if we were actually dating, but I think he wishes I would talk more about him because he wants me to like him and this is typically a sign of liking a person. He says he wants to run and shout at the top of his lungs about me.

This part jumped as a warning sign to me. I think that you deliberately sought out a long-term relationship because you can't deal with a real relationship right now. If and when this guy moves to your city, I think that your issue is going to derail this relationship, because it's going to lead to trust problems on both sides. I think that you should break this LDR off and date locally for a while. If that doesn't work out, you might consider therapy for your social anxiety.

[quietandshy]

This part jumped as a warning sign to me. I think that you deliberately sought out a long-term relationship because you can't deal with a real relationship right now. If and when this guy moves to your city, I think that your issue is going to derail this relationship, because it's going to lead to trust problems on both sides. I think that you should break this LDR off and date locally for a while. If that doesn't work out, you might consider therapy for your social anxiety.

I appreciate your advice, but I did not deliberately seek out a LDR. I had no feelings for him until he told me he had feelings for me, and even after that it took me a really long time (months) to realize those feelings. I was kind of in denial about the distance, if anything, I think.

[Gratedwasabi]

I do communicate with him and trust him. I have no issues telling him things. What I meant is I have trouble telling other people things about my life, including about him. And I don't really want to tell other people about him if this is the reaction I'm going to get. But I know I'm going to have to and that not everyone will react this way. Thanks for your advice.

The nights I'm spending on the phone with him I'd otherwise be spending alone....not in the arms of someone else, and its only his arms I really want to be in.

Thanks to everyone.

I'm not going to say anything drastically different from my first post but with the negative feedback from your friend and a couple posters on here, I really think it's important.

For the first part, it's absolutely 100% your decision ANYTHING YOU CHOOSE TO REVEAL to ANYONE. If someone asks you a question, you don't have to answer. It's a choice. If you feel like someone is going to be unfair with their reaction, don't tell them. Or better yet, tell them and add that your mind is made up and it's what you're doing, PERIOD. You OBVIOUSLY have something with this guy so have faith in it and don't let anyone YOU CHOOSE to let into your life by telling them details about it come back and question you. Be firm.

Secondly, it's so drastically clear that you two care a lot and have something that could be special. The second girlfriend I had that I fell a bit for once said this to me "you know, where you are in your life is really important for a relationship. Sometimes there's just obstacles that make it not work." To which my response was "And sometimes a relationship, a person, means enough to you that you'd hurdle any obstacle to be with them or even TRY to be with them." That's kind of the difference in opinion you're seeing from reactions. Some people believe if things aren't lined up from the get-go it's doomed, some people believe if lots of things line up but some don't then maybe they just need a ruler.

You owe it to yourself and him to see this through. Maybe a few months down the road you grow apart and it doesn't work. Maybe he decides he needs to be with you sooner and moves to you earlier. Maybe you have blissful long talks and get to know each other deeply on an emotional level before too much physical involvement and then when you're able to be together it's the best bliss possible.

Sounds like you're giving it a shot and I really hope you do. Don't listen to the naysayers; you obviously want to and he obviously wants to and that's what matters. You can't please everyone, or even most, so you need to focus on pleasing those to whom it matters the most (you being number 1.)

[xxazurexx]

Just because it didn't work for others, doesn't mean it won't for you.

Communication is key.

[twinrexes]

Long distance is certainly safe for someone with social anxiety. In your case, maybe this is a comfortable way to get started and move toward a "real" one. A year isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things (I'm fifty, so to me a year is nothing!) and if you feel this strongly about the guy, then give it a shot. Just be prepared for things to change when he moves locally. Once you're right next to each other on a day-to-day basis, the honeymoon phase (which lasts longer with LDRs) is bound to end. That's when all the little habits and quirks that you thought were cute become annoying. And you get to see how you two do at handling conflict. But really, I wouldn't let other people's negative opinions of long distance sway you. Even if nine out of ten fail, maybe you'll be that one that works? Certainly if you start out EXPECTING to fail, then you will (law of attraction, blah blah blah...)

[quietandshy]

thanks for the advice everyone

[doppelgaenger]

LDRs SUCK, man. The romance actually starts to get annoying after a while. It's kind of like window shopping - you get to see what you want so much, you can look at it, but the store is closed and you can't afford it anyway. And if you ever do get your hands on it, you realize you never needed it all along. It turns out to be a big waste.