Am I doing the right thing?

[shipley]

Hi guys,

Excuse the long message however I wanted to get you all caught up on where I am at.

My ex girlfriend and I were together for 15 months (I am 22, shes 20). I was her first love. Now we had a history of fighting and we even broke up about a year ago which took a little over 2 months to get back together. However, recently I broke up with her 2 months ago but we continued to see each other as I wanted some changes for the both of us. I do regret giving up on her however I was quite confused on what to do. We talked everyday Up until November 12th when she got upset that I was going to hang out with a girl which she felt i was seeing other people, she then told me she couldn't do it anymore and that it was way to hard. She told me that I should of put the effort in seeing eachother however I didn't and it pushed her too far.

She emailed me this..

"I really do think it is for the best. We need some time apart. Like I said I can't be normal with you right now, and frankly we shouldn't be acting normal with each other right now anyways. Too much has happened to get over right away, for me at least. I said I need time, but I don't expect anything from you during that time. I want you to move on. Find someone who fits you perfectly. I think that you think I'm giving up on us and in reality it's what you wanted by breaking up with me. I know it was the right thing to do because we couldn't continue on the path we were on because it would have ended even more badly. And we can't really continue on the path of us being friends and me wanting more from you. You didn't show me that you wanted this, so I thought and thought and I think that all we need is time apart. I can't even imagine trying to put the pieces back together at this point. And no I am not blaming this on you. I know I need some work to be done for us to even talk again. I really hope we can be friends in the future, but like I said I need time to even get to the point of looking at you as just a friend. I think about you everyday, and I will probably continue to do that for a very very long time. It really does hurt a lot, you don't even know."

So I tried getting her back and it didn't work. Last wednesday I was in town in where she is going to school at and asked to get together and grab a coffee. She told me "Sorry but I don't think thats a good idea", she told me she still needs time and space so I let it go. She said if she saw me in person her feelings would be too strong and we would go back into a relationship and thats wrong at this time.

She then text me after I got off the phone with her:
"I know that I still really care about you because i didnt have the best thanksgiving and it took everything out of me not to call you and tell you everything that happened because your the only one who understands my family. That shows Im not doing doing this because im scared. Im doing this for us and if we ever do get back together it will be better. If I was doing this for me and doing whats easiest I would already be with you. But we need time to grow apart if we ever have the chance of being together again. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you and I dont think ill ever get over you and maybe that will bring us back together again idk"

Last Friday, I drove all the way up to where she goes to school at (2 hrs) and showed up to her door unannounced. I felt its good to see eachother in person because she hasn't seen me in a month. Also, I always believe the saying "Out of sight, out of mind". So I showed up to her door and She felt very uncomfortable and I told her what I did was wrong and I regret making that decision. I told her I love her and I care about her very much but she told me she accept my Apology however she told me we need space and time still. I told her I respect her decision however disconnecting from our communication is wrong and we will never grow if we stay silent. She told me that i may not be able to handle a friendship because she doesn't want to be pressured nor let it be awkward. She test me in asking questions about if she ever saw anyone or whatever what I would do and I stood there saying im okay with it (deep down I wouldnt! lol).she told me its hard to believe it but I told her I miss her and she said she misses me too. I told her I understand you don't trust the direction of us and I am not expecting her to trust me right away but lets not worry about the future but lets be present and see what happens. She agreed. I got off the subject of us and talked about how things are going with eachother and she laughed and smiled. I left on a high note and she text message later that day, she told me it took a lot of courage for what I did and that it was good seeing me again. She said she missed me but not to be confused of her wanting me back. She later told me "I don't know what If I want those feelings again but if you have no expectations and understand that then I accept your friendship offer". She then told me "This is different then last year when we broke up, I didn't know what I wanted but this time I do know what i want and that is not to be together right now".

Monday, I wished her a good day through text message and we just text back n forth about whats been up with us. I ended the text convo by letting her know I had a meeting to go to and that she is welcome to shoot me a text later or whenever. She then said to me "Idk whats up there but I know for a fact that you don't text your friends all day", I then played dumb and told her she was curious about something. Later that night she text message me "What I meant was I know what you did before when we broke up the first time, you tried to get me to talk to you more and i hope thats not what your doing now. Im not saying I dont want to text you but I just want it to be in a friend way". I told her I appreciate her honesty and let it be. she then kept questioning me if I was okay and I told her I was fine because I kept it lite and simple. Later that night she Facebook message me asking me If I wanted a recipe that I requested like 2 weeks ago and I appreciated her giving it to me. Which I kinda felt she was trying to find a way to start a convo or a reason to message me.

Yesterday, I sent her a simple hi and she was all "Hey whats up?" and I kept it short and simple. She then asked why i was being so weird but I told her nothing is weird and that im just helping us. She then asked "What are helping?" and I said "I am helping respect our space, helping respect our friendship, to me its not weird at all." she then said "If by that you mean us talking but not really saying anything i dont see the point" and I told her "I have love for you and im learning how selfish i was. I still agree with you that we require space and time and friendship." She then told me "Okay sounds good to me. Lets just be normal friends" and I said "I agree because sometimes when friends just say hi that says it all " and she laughed and said well I guess girls just talk more.

So to me I believe she still loves me but she is scared of getting hurt again and that she doesnt trust the direction of us because we broke up before. I love the woman very much and this time and space has allowed me to realize what I did wrong and if I could go back in time I totally would. I miss her very much but I am accepting a friendship because its better then nothing. She told me before "If your ever gonna be together again, you have to be friends first" and I completely agree. I know a lot of people have suggested to not contact that person and wait for them to contact you however I find myself thinking this does not apply for our situation because I broke up with her and I hurt her after we were dating after the breakup. She excuses it but why would you ever want to get back with someone who has not demonstrated their abilities to love and show the changes that have in store. I believe actions speak louder then words and I am not forcing it and its hard to show when someone doesn't trust me at this time. I am trying to open her up and being patient is one of the key things to it. I believe when she says "I need space and time" i believe it means "I need time and space from a relationship stand point".

I just want to know if I am doing the right thing because I keep questioning myself. I am not showing im needy or talking anything relationship related to her. Last year we were friends after the relationship ended and it took 2 months for us to get back together however I am not expecting the same outcome but i sure as hell hoping. I would love her you guys output and what advice you may have to move things forward.

[shipley]

bump!..........

[BeingAlpha]

I'll be the first to admit that I have no idea what the right thing is. I think you are being mature about it and accepting the fact that you hurt this girl and that you have admitted that. She may have accepted your apology truly but right now she just feels hurt. She may not trust you so much.

You need to give her some time to miss you though - constantly texting, im-ing etc.. isn't truly giving her the space she needs. She wants space and time NOT just from the relationship but from you. You've already communicated that you love her and miss her and want to make the relationship work. She needs to decide what she wants -- and thats basically all you can hope for. I am sorry man -- I think you just need to leave her alone for a while.

[Boisdevie]

Sorry, can you give us the short version - I haven't the patience to read all of that.

[carlosaugustine]

Hey Bud,

Don't beat yourself up too much because you initiated the break up. I know you are dumbfounded. You might be surprised to find out that she likes all the attention she's getting from you, even though she's telling you something different. You are not alone. These kinds of situations are quite common.

There's a guy I know who is expert at helping people like you if you are willing to do exactly what he says. The best thing is that this guy focuses on broken relationships where only one person wants to rekindle a dead romance. He provides some videos and there's a free 6-day course to help you start to figure out what to do to make a strategic effort to get back with this girl. Check out more at my profile.

[shipley]

Hey Bud,

Don't beat yourself up too much because you initiated the break up. I know you are dumbfounded. You might be surprised to find out that she likes all the attention she's getting from you, even though she's telling you something different. You are not alone. These kinds of situations are quite common.

There's a guy I know who is expert at helping people like you if you are willing to do exactly what he says. The best thing is that this guy focuses on broken relationships where only one person wants to rekindle a dead romance. He provides some videos and there's a free 6-day course to help you start to figure out what to do to make a strategic effort to get back with this girl. Check out more at my profile.

hey I dont see the link, i tried PMing you but it didnt work.

[shipley]

Friday (yesterday), She messaged me on FB Chat saying "Hey Friend". i didn't respond and she then left me a message "Ok, well I just wanted to tell you I had a dream about you, your mom and your little brother. It was really funny. Anyways I hope you have a good day ". She then signed off and later I sent her a facebook message "Hey sorry I missed your message, your still dreaming about me huh? care to share the details?". Now the reason why I said "Still dreaming about me huh?" because when we first met, a month later she got in contact with me and told me she had a dream about me and shared the details. Anyways, yesterday She replied saying that she had a dream about her going to "bed bath and beyond" and running into my mom, my little brother and ME. She said I didn't say much and that it was weird but funny. I laughed about it and wished her a good day.

Friday Night (yesterday), I was up at her college for a birthday party and I was intoxicated so I sent her a text saying "Hey, I am at a party in town and couldnt pass through without saying Hi". Now my intentions were not to see her in person because you have to be crazy to ever do that at this stage after what I pulled last friday. She then replied an hour later "It's not a good idea and you know it", thinking that I wanted to see her in person. I questioned her by saying "Whats not a good idea?" she then said "It's just not right". I continued to question her by saying "Whats not right?" she then said "To Party together, But I hope your having lots of fun ". I then told her "Who said anything about partying together?" she then apologized and said it was a misunderstanding. I then accepted her apology and wished her a good night. I told her "Idk when u get back from florida but before ur semester starts we may have to grab a bite at **Some restaurant we went to one time**.. it was good lol". She then said "Welllll I was thinking maybe a birthday lunch on your birthday?" (My birthday is December 18th next saturday) I asked when she was leaving for florida and she told me but said to let her know about the birthday lunch. I told her sounds good, have a good night.

So I have a question, do I accept her birthday lunch or say sorry I have plans and reschedule another day. She goes to Florida Dec 21st until the first week of January. It kinda makes me wonder about her not thinking its a good idea to see me last night (even though I didn't have any intentions to) but yet all of a sudden she wants to for my birthday, I hope she is not feeling bad because its my birthday. What do you think?

[shipley]

unbelieveable.. idk what to say to this..

"So I feel like I need to explain myself better, even though I really don’t have to. I thought about it all night. I’m not seeing someone else because I am completely over you and want to forget all about you. I want to see if there someone else out there that can treat me differently which will make me treat them in a different way than I treated you. I don’t know if I am a demanding person who is sassy sometimes and takes everything way too seriously or if that’s just the way you make me out to seem. Like I said before I really never felt good enough for you when I was your girlfriend and that’s the honest truth and I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that. I always seemed to be doing something wrong. Anyways, I know that we didn’t treat each other well and I was really trying to improve on that. It is not like I never want to ever have those feelings for you ever again. I just can’t right now. That’s why it is not fair to make me wait for those feelings to come back and it is equally not fair to you either. I might be making the biggest mistake ever right now and end up with no one in the end. But that’s okay because you and I can’t be okay right now. And I think it’s better to take the time apart than force something that I am not ready for. I just know myself if we were to talk again about getting back together and then another fight happened I would honestly probably just give up completely. I’m not ready to work on anything right now and you can’t put a half ass effort into something like this. That’s why I want to be friends because I know I can put 100% effort into that. But if you don’t think you can put 100% into it while I am seeing someone else then that’s completely understandable to me. I know it hurts you and to be honest it hurts me too. Like I said I don’t want to have to open up myself to anyone else again. You know first hand how difficult it is for me. But if that’s what I have to do then that’s what I have to do. Hopefully you understand where I am coming from and hopefully you are still willing to be my friend. Think about lunch and let me know. Have a wonderful day."